Gentle guidanceThis board is not a debate board regarding spanking vs. non spanking. While we strongly believe that children need and thrive with guidance, we also believe that hitting is not the answer. If you have come here to discuss spanking and your reasons, please desist.
Need book rec's about parenting/raising boys and aggression/violence
MIL just sent me an Amazon gift cert and I've been meaning to look into some books about raising boys and their aggressive/violent sides. Does anyone have any favorites to recommend that will mesh with my gentle parenting beliefs and practices? Also, I am not Christian so please no recommendations for books with a religious focus.
I found a lot of raising boys books were either for older boys, as in teen feelings...or recommended physical discipline....ugh. These books that I will post below do not recommend that, and in fact, quite the opposite, citing that as a trouble spot in behavior for some boys.
Real Boys by William Pollack
The Men They Will Become by Eli Newberger
Both address issues with boys, like aggression and violence, how society helps encourage those behaviors, what to do, how to minimize.....etc. Plus other issues with boys, that will help you with your son, age wise. (o: It did for me at least. (o; Justin is 4....
__________________ "Custom will reconcile people to any atrocity."
George Bernard Shaw
Thanks for the replies. I'm ordering most of these, except for the ones our library has.
And I agree with you Laurie. My son isn't really aggressive or violent per se, he is just very impulsive and strong-willed. Unfortunately he expresses much of this through physically aggressive behavior.
Last edited by Mom2Steen : 10-03-2003 at 11:29 PM.
...hits the dogs, pulls their hair out, tries to pull their legs off...
...head butts mommy in the face & bloodies her lip, sticks his finger in her nose and bloodies it, and slaps her...
be considered "agressive"??
I am just beside myself in the past coupla weeks. I don't know what has come over my sweet little boy. Maybe he is reacting to me being at work for the first time since he has been born (just 10-20 hrs. a week.) I am off to look for some of these books...
Originally posted by Adria Steen is so big! I like Real Boys. Not very far into it but it's good so far.
lol I can't believe what a big boy my baby has become. Sigh... He is growing up so fast and of course this brings new parenting challenges. I'm looking forward to reading these books. He was such an easy child the first 3 years but since turning 3 we are facing all sorts of new issues. I never needed to read parenting books before this.
Oh, 3 yr olds - what an age. Every day is a struggle!
I love Dr. Dobson's book about boys - "The Wonder of Boys" (I honestly can't remember the title - it's something like that). I know he's a Christian, but it was a great book. The thing I liked about it was he talked to men about things they did as a little boy and it made me realize that even though my boys do crazy stuff, they are not destined for a life of delinquency!
I loved his story about the boy who put some type of cherry bomb in the sewer and blew up all the toilets in the neighborhood! He's now some type of normal respectable man.
Melinda
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Angelbaby. A 2 yr old is a mere baby. They do not have the cognitive abilities to think these behaviors through. It's mostly about impulse control at this age. Plus, 2 yr olds love big reactions. It's not often malicious intent.
I think a 2 yr old who acts like this needs constant supervision and many gentle reminders, " Gentle with our dog. Pat the doggy gently like this" and show him how. Tell him "No hurting. Gentle touching" and show him how. As soon as he reaches for your nose, I would hold his hand gently and say, "Gentle touches. No hurting in this family. Touch Mommy gently". And show him gentle- take his hand and show him how to pat gently. All this said as calmly as you can. If he hurts you still, put him down. Remind him. "No hurting, gentle touches. No hurting ".
Since he must be with a babysitter the hours you are at work, I would specifically ask that he *not* be handled roughly in any way. He needs models of gentle behavior. He sounds like a challenge. He should *never* be left alone with the dog. The dog could hurt him. Model model modle the behavior you wish to see. If you see him go towards the dog, be right there. Touch the dog first. "Gentle pats. The dog likes you. Gentle touching'. Over and over and over again.
I don't know enough about your child to say whether he is in need of intervention or what have you. But I would strongly caution agaist any sort of physical punishment. The last thing an impulsive childneeds is an impulsive adult being rough.
This prob doesn't help. Impulsive children are challenging-- but these are the children who most need adults to be in gentle control.
I also like the book, The Highly Sensitive Child by Aron. It's a very thoughtful book on challenging children.
Thanks for the advice Laurie...and that is EXACTLY what I have been doing. I would never use physical punishment no matter what. I was spanked as a child and I remember the physical and mental pain it left me with. Each time he is around the dogs (which there are 4), I pet their backs gently and say to him "Be nice to the doggies, love the doggies." And he imitates me, then I see him 5 min. later go kick the dogs! And I keep telling him, "No, do not hit, we have to be nice. That hurts mommy/doggie, etc."
Also, my mother watches him while I am at work, and we have all lived in the same house since he was born, so he is very comfortable with her. Yet, he still "acts out" when I am gone, and especially right after I return from work. My mom is gentle with him too, but my father thinks my son "needs to be disciplined". It makes me SO mad when he says that! I just say, "Yeah, ok, what do you want me to do? Spank him when he hits the dogs or me? What kind of lesson would that be? That would make it all worse!"
Anyway...I am not really worried that he will grow up to be super aggressive and violent because he is such a rambunctious 2 year old. I just am just trying to figure out if my sons behavior is normal and how I should deal with it. Thanks :O)
Angela, I am so with you!!! lol DH and I swear that neither of our other boys were this way when they were 3... but geez, Adam is a whole 'nother sort. ;-)
DH is reading Playful Parenting right now, I am reading Kids are Worth It. Between us, we are finding things that are working more often.
One thing that worked that amazed me (I was thinking, NO WAY WILL THIS WORK!)... he was hitting someone for something (probably because they got on the other end of the couch). I went over to him and put my hands around him and todl him I *COULD* be using my hands to hit, but I wasn't. Then later on that day (yes, that day) he bit Lauren on the back. I made sure she was ok, then went over to him and pinned him down and told him that I *COULD* bite him with my mouth, but I was gonna kiss him instead and then I kissed him all over his face/neck. Both times he ate it all up. Now... of course I do those things other times so he doesn't do the mean things to get the hugs and kisses he so wants/needs.
This too shall pass.
I think I might still have the *your 3 year old* book if you want it. I think I have it memorized now. ;-)
Originally posted by Mom2Steen Thanks for the replies. I'm ordering most of these, except for the ones our library has.
And I agree with you Laurie. My son isn't really aggressive or violent per se, he is just very impulsive and strong-willed. Unfortunately he expresses much of this through physically aggressive behavior.
my 4 year old has been this way too...for several years now. he was assesed as having "behavioral and social" problems and attended the preschool through the school district that caters to their needs-i have noticed a difference in him while at school...it really sounds to me like part of your sons agression is that he needs more stimulation. they get bored and act out in some situations.
Great book. I am reading his book about special needs kids now (my son is mildly autistic.) He has a technique he calls "floor time" where you spend one on one time with your child, playing on the floor, following his lead, and communicating face to face as much as possible. He says, in a nutshell, that this reduces undesirable behavior and helps special needs kids develop as well. It's not quite that simple, but sounds great. I notice that my son does better when he has more one on one adult play time. Check it out, the library should have it. Easy reading too, no mumbo jumbo jargon. HTH, Laura
Military wife of a deployed soldier. 
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