amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

missythemom · 09-14-2003, 09:33 PM

i freaked out today at my almost four year old dd.i didn't spank her or anything like that at all but i yelled so much that i made her cry and the look on her little face broke my heart.i talked to her a short while after and told her that i was angry and i was very sorry for yelling like i did.i also explained that i should not have reacted the way i did because it is a bad way to let someone know how you feel.i am so upset with myself because of this.why would i let myself do that??do any of you have any ideas on how i can calm myself down if i get that upset again?any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.thanks,
missy

Mommyof2 · 09-15-2003, 01:00 AM

Hi Missy. It really does sound like you both feel terrible about it. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I've struggled with yelling too and here are some things that really helped me, and are also helping a friend of mine who was a big time yeller until recently.

If you feel yourself getting mad or frustrated, stop and count or breathe or whatever you need to do until you can speak calmly. My 3 year old has always been into everything and is SO trying. Sometimes I would repeat to myself-she is only 3, she is only a child, she is only 3...etc.

I sat down and really thought about it. Would I allow dh or anyone else to yell at me because I did something wrong? Would I even listen to someone who was screaming at me? No...and I want to treat my children the same way I want to be treated.

If you feel like you have to, leave the room. A minute or two alone can make a huge difference.

I talk to them, really express how I'm feeling. Instead of yelling "hey-stop doing that!" I will sit down and explain how I'm feeling. "I don't like when you tease your sister, it makes her sad and it's not a nice thing to do to each other."

If you're yelling because your dd isn't listening to you, try whispering to her. My dd's often get caught up in playing and don't notice if I call them, but they'll always stop what they're doing and listen if I whisper.

Don't expect perfection from your or dd. Everyone has bad days...the important thing is that you two talked about it. (((Hugs))) Hang in there! It does get a lot easier and I am sure you will get some good advice from other mamas too.

~Denise~ · 09-15-2003, 02:48 AM

Kudos to you Mama, for explaining your wrongdoing to her. You have just taught her some very valuable things. One, that we all make mistakes. Even Mama. Two, that apologies are a wonderful, meaningful thing. Three, that it's ok to be wrong, to admit wrong, and to change the wrong. Do you know how many parents would either not see the wrong in the yelling, or see the wrong but not be willing to admit it? Quite a few! It takes a humble and strong Mama to do what you did, and your daughter will greatly benefit from it......(o:

That said, to avoid the yelling? I agree with the above poster. It takes patience, and a lot of it. We all hit a breaking point, and we all get pushed too far now and then. From being over-tired, to hungry, to PMS, to just a busy day....parenting is hard! Along with the above ideas, I have found it very helpful to try to prevent the things that cause meltdowns in me and the kids. No, not always easy or possible, but with effort? Huge difference. (o: Making sure I get enough sleep. Making sure I can turn to dh and say I need a break. Making sure the kids are well rested and well fed....it amazes me how we can go about a busy day only to think wow, when did we last eat?! No wonder the kids are grouchy. LOL. Avoiding the stores at busy times...seems simple, huh? But geez, if we have to shop, we have to shop. LOL. And let me tell you, lines means grumpy kids, meaning a grumpy Mom, meaning we are all tired, hungry and so on.....it lasts all night. LOL. Seriously, those types of things really affect our household, and I have seen a HUGE drop in tantrums, from me too, ROFL, since we started really trying to be aware of things like this. (o:

missythemom · 09-15-2003, 12:47 PM

thank you for your kind words,i knew i could find the help i needed here.thank you for the ideas too i will be using them and praying that i can be patient and really show her that just because we get angry doesn't mean we have to lose our cool.thanks again mamas you are terrific!

KayasMama · 09-15-2003, 07:27 PM

Four year olds!

I know how you feel! I have yelled at Kaya before and I started crying myself. Sometimes my hormones get the best of me.

First off, make sure you sleep enough and sleep sound. I am always easily frustrated with Kaya if I am tired. Eat good and well the rest......when Kaya gets the best of me, I let her know it. I give her "the look" and try my hardest to treat her and speak to her the way I would want to be spoken to. It almost always gets her cooperation. Thats the good thing about 4 yr olds...they like to please!