amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

lillaurensmomma · 09-11-2003, 02:50 AM

well, you asked for it Denise

Here is what's going on today to make DH highly annoyed with Lauren (okay, me too). Right now, everything makes her mad. If I won't give her ANOTHER cup of milk, she gets mad. If I won't turn on the TV, she gets mad. If she wants to go outside and it's not a good time, she gets mad. All that I understand and I don't have an issue with her feelings. But right now when she gets mad, she will go find something (usually something of mine, but
hers will do in a pinch) and she throws it acoss the room. She will also slap me (or DH) if she's close enough. This drives both of us crazy!

Any ideas?
j

RocketScientist · 09-11-2003, 07:24 AM

You're right- it's OK for her to get angry. But it's not OK for her to hurt you or your belongings. If she does, it may help to redirect her to something she *can* vent her frustrations on - like throwing a pillow at the wall, or pounding a cushion. Tell her "I understand you're frustrated/mad/sad about xyz. You can hit this cushion like this (and show her how - you may even want to guide her hands briefly)." Or model for her how to throw pillows or soft balls against the wall in a safe area, saying something like "you're really mad! When I'm mad, I like to throw things too, like this!! oof! grr! toss!!". She may even laugh at you modeling this behavior, but that's perfectly acceptable - there can be laughter in learning.

This isn't going to be a magic overnight success, but with time and consistency, she'll learn ways to vent her anger without hurting others.

Oh, and if it's something of hers that gets thrown, you might put that item in time-out for the day.

Have you read "how to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk"? I know she's pretty young, but there are ideas in there that I found very helpful even for the littler ones... like if they ask for something you can't give them right then, write it down (and then follow through later) - this shows them that you find it important enough to write down and actually do, and will help *you* not to forget too. Another idea I've used is to exaggerate their wants if you can't give them what it is they want... for example, if Lauren says she wants ice cream and there isn't any and she is still very unhappy after you've tried other ways, turn it into an imagination adventure... "You want ice cream - a BIG bowl - a BIG bowl of RASPBERRY icecream with whipped cream... and a cherry on top... and nuts! And it's 2 feet high (showing her).. no, SIX feet! no, as big as this ENTIRE ROOM!!!" she might be giggling by this time at the thought of such a huge ice cream treat. Humor can be a great tool!

I hope this helps!

~Denise~ · 09-11-2003, 06:19 PM

I agree with Margaret. And I remember my kids doing this, and then looking at me. Looking at me, seeing my reaction, to see how I'd react as well. So keep calm. LOL. Distraction is also good here when you can. And like Margaret said, letting her know you HEAR her feelings. "I know you are mad about this, but we can't have more cookies. We can, however, read a story, how about that?"......Or if she wants to go outside, how about an alternative, like hopping on the pillows, etc. Try to think of an option that may be close to what she is asking for. I think also part of it, for me, was making sure I said yes enough. I saw my kids getting madder and more aggravated through the day if they asked for this and that, and always got a no. I really tried hard to make things a yes, and give them control and choices too. Sometimes it was hard! Darn it, it's so much easier to chop carrots when I can use the big knife and do it alone.....but they'd want to help, and I felt like I was saying no for the wrong reasons. Or things like playing play-doh....I admit to saying no cause I knew the mess that came after it, LOL, and knew that was unfair of me. So I'd say yes more, and let them know I'd need help cleaing up after. "Yes, we can get out the play-doh, but you will need to help me clean up afterwards, ok?".....and I'd remind them of that whether it was help in play-doh, wiping the floor after a dish washing session, LOL, or cleaning muddy rain-boots from puddle stomping......(o: I am *not* saying you are saying no too much, or for any wrong reasons.....but I was and did, and sometimes still do. LOL. And need to remind myself of that now and then, and realize how they are feeling. (o: If distraction does not work, and she was to continue to try to hit you, or throw things, I'd ignore her if it was applicable, or I'd pick her up and tell her "I know you are mad, and I am sorry, but we cannot hit, you need to stay in your room until you can stop hitting".....and leave her there. Don't hold the door closed, she may come right out and stop hitting...or maybe not. And you may have to put her back in there over and over as calmly as you can til she realizes you mean it. But many times, this is not needed and can aggravate her....she will already be mad and having trouble expressing those feelings and dealing with those feelings in a "good" way (hard for her age!!!), and adding MORE mad feelings (which placing her in her room will, of course, make her madder) can overwhelm her and she may get really mad and out of control and not hear anything you say.....try and avoid this. I really think making sure she knows you "hear" her, and showing her how to deal with her feelings without telling her a plain "No, don't hit", really helps! I know I also try to make sure my kids see me deal with things. If I order a book and it's not here yet, I will say "Wow, I am really mad that that book is still not here!"...things like that, so they see me acting out appropriately. It's funny, cause as my kids get older, sometimes they say the exact same things as me, sometimes in the right context and sometimes not, LOL.......(o;

Good luck Mama!!!!!!!! Let us know how it goes. (o: