amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Breila · 09-09-2003, 06:23 PM

When we first moved here four years ago, I met another mom in the grocery store, we will call her Alice. We realized our sons were about the same age and exchanged phone numbers and eventually started a playgroup that grew to include some wonderful mamas that I highly respect.

Over the years I have realized that Alice and I have very differing parenting styles. I was disappointed when her dd was born and she refused to even try BF’ing, her breasts were hers, not some child’s plaything. I was mortified when I found out that she swore by Babywise methods, but I simply said that I disagreed and had plenty of literature and science to back me up. Now her dd has permanent voice damage due to severe reflux and I often wonder if they are related. She was so influenced by Babywise that she called me once in tears b/c dd would not nap in the crib and cried every time she laid her down. I suggested that the dd may have an earache and to try the swing and see if inclining her helped. It did, and the dd did have an ear infection, but Alice was convinced that the baby would never sleep in the crib again now. She would not let her children, even a sick child, ever sleep in her bed, that would ruin their sleep habits.

She keeps an extremely neat and organized home, to the point where these poor children have only been exposed to paint and playdough at preschool (should I mention that she had her oldest ds in a Mommy’s morning out program at 8 weeks old and her dd went to preschool at 18 months???). Anyway, those things are way too messy for her house, along with a list of other typical child activities that her children are banned from doing in her home because of the mess factor. She is mortified that I let my dog in the house!

Alice is also a pretty high stress personality, and I wonder how it affects her children. She always seems like she is on the edge of a meltdown. Plus, they are always go, go, go, and these children get very little downtime from the sounds of it. She is very much the socialite, and her children are too good for second hand gifts, which I learned after letting her know of the great thrift shop I found for kids toys for the holidays

Anyway, we have made it to today agreeing to disagree, and often simply not bringing topics up that we differed on. But today really got to me.

This morning I was browsing AW and came across an older post about corporal punishment in the schools today. Curious, I did some research, and found out that spanking in schools is still legal in my state and that my county still has a corporal punishment policy. I immediately called the school, where I was reassured that they do NOT ever spank in that school. Then I decided to call some friends who had children in other local schools to let them know.

When I called Alice, she said “well, you picked the wrong person for this crusade”. When I asked what she meant by that, she told me that it was her opinion that the problem with the public school system today was that teachers no longer had the right (the RIGHT?!?!?!) to spank. She said that she hoped her child would get paddled if he deserved it, that he should have something to instill fear and respect for the school system! Okay, now I am truly mortified beyond belief, I mean, I knew we had differing opinions, but I didn’t know it was this extreme. I am heartbroken for her children.

Her ds and mine have grown up together, they are very close. But on the other hand, they recently moved to the other side of town and it would not be that hard to let the friendship fizzle. But Alice and I are both part of a few groups and would still have to see each other regularly. Should I end the relationship? I am so heartbroken. DS had his first sleepover at their house just this past summer.

What would you do?

~*~Seeking*Simplicity~*~ · 09-09-2003, 06:36 PM

If it were me, i wouldnt persue the friendship. If it wont be hard for your son, I would just let them fade away. I dont think it would be bad for the kids to remain friends (at least her son would be exposed to a different way of parenting!), but if it means you have to endure someone you can not stand or your son has to be away from you at her home, it probably wouldnt be worth it to me to continue.....

~ Anne-Marie

DawnMM · 09-09-2003, 06:50 PM

i would probably just let the friendship drift away. I dont' think I would flat out refuse to be social w/ her or let your kids hang out but I would not encourage it either.

Did you not know she was pro-spanking before this phone call? I would have assumed that she was pro spanking if she did the whole babywise thing.

dawn

Nutmeg · 09-09-2003, 06:56 PM

If it bothers you so much, I would suggest that you sit back and look at her. Why do you want her for a friend? Does the negative outweigh the positive? If it's too hurtful for you to consider a friendship, then just slowly let it go.

She may have many of the same feelings towards you too, and perhaps feels the same way in the reverse.

Breila · 09-09-2003, 06:57 PM

Yes, I guess I knew she "popped" her children occasionally. But to me there is a big difference between spanking and an occasionaly pop on the hand or thigh to get a child's attention. Mind you, I don't do either now, but when I was a young parent trying to take in everyone's advice and make sense of it, I did pop my oldest son on the hand or thigh a few times.

And even if you are pro-spanking, to me there is a world of difference between spanking your own child and knowing that there is someone out there who has the authority to spank/paddle your child without your advance knowledge. I just don't see how anyone can be in favor of that!

Vanity Fair · 09-09-2003, 07:34 PM

Simple disagreements over co sleeping and the like are one thing...I could not be friends with someone who hits their children, no matter how seldom. I draw the line at endangering children.

Erin

Melaniee · 09-09-2003, 07:38 PM

I'd just let the friendship drift...no drama so there's no tension (or less tension) in your mutual groups. Can you imagine what would happen if your children were playing and she felt they did something wrong?

grapefruitbaby · 09-09-2003, 07:51 PM

I would also just let the friendship drift. Stop calling, stop going out of my way to talk to her at groups, just kind of casual. I am sure she has seen the differences you two have and may be thinking along the same lines as you are. If she does notice and ask you I would just be honest and tell her that you don't feel you have enough in common.
I would dump the relationship because I wouldn't want my children exposed to that kind of attitude as they grow. I can handle little differences, but all of these differences together and hitting kids is too much for me.
Good luck. I am sure it is painful.

Vanity Fair · 09-09-2003, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by grapefruitbaby
I would also just let the friendship drift. Stop calling, stop going out of my way to talk to her at groups, just kind of casual. I am sure she has seen the differences you two have and may be thinking along the same lines as you are. If she does notice and ask you I would just be honest and tell her that you don't feel you have enough in common.
Good luck. I am sure it is painful.

I agree, there's no need to belittle her or tell her that you don't agree with her lifestyle, she probably won't change and she probably feels the same about you.

Erin

~Denise~ · 09-09-2003, 09:33 PM

Yikes....well, since I consider some of those to be damaging to the child(ren), I'd have to end the friendship. I'd have a loss of respect for her, as a person, knowing she did things I felt were damaging in her parenting. And it really is not a matter of just differences to me....I mean I would never not be friends with someone who did not breastfeed, or had their kids sleep in cribs, or used disposies, etc. But spanking and CIO? Those, to me, are damaging to the point where it'd be hard for me to want to see her....I'd feel resentful and angry, and sad for the kids. Not a friendship I'd want to continue nor someone I'd enjoy being around. I agree letting it fizzle out is best.....but admit that if she called me and asked me why I was so distant, etc.? I'd admit to her that I simply felt our parenting differences were too strong. After all, when you have young children, many friendships tend to revolve a lot around others with children. JMO. (o:

momgoddess · 09-09-2003, 10:03 PM

I would let the friendship go. I just recently had to do the same thing (sever a friendship) because of massive disagreement of parenting styles. It's hard, but it's for the best.

thea · 09-11-2003, 01:15 AM

I think I would say let it fizzle out, but I don't feel like I completely understand the situation. You haven't mentioned why it is that you are friends in the first place. Is just because your children are friends, or are there things you like about her too? Do you have things in common?

Breila · 09-11-2003, 09:52 AM

Gosh, that is kind of a tough question. Convenience probably has played a large role in it to start with. When we met, we had both just moved here and neither one of us really knew other people with children. Our sons were about the same age, so we got together. Then the playgroup got started, and the moms in the playgroup would go out in the evenings occasionally. I really like and respect some of these women and I always went along, as did she. Then we both served on the executive board of a local volunteer organization for two years and spent a lot of time together doing that. And most recently, one of our mutual friend's daughters got very sick with cancer and that brought us all back together, with Alice in the drivers seat. She was the one that kept the rest of us updated and that organized babysitting schedules for the baby brother of the sick girl, that made sure meals and such were provided. We all kind of depended on her to know what we were supposed to do next.

We have never agreed on parenting styles nor many social issues. I guess I would say that under other circumstances, I would never have pursued a friendship with this person, I didn't really pursue it in the first place, everything just sort of fell together. There are other mamas in this playgroup that have some similar views as myself on parenting and certain social issues, and they have always seemed to be able to look past the differences and continue to count her among their friends, so I tried to do the same.

What do I like about her? Well, to be honest, she has always been there for a friend in need, and she has occasionally given me a different perspective on life, even if I didn't necessarily agree with that perspective. I think she loves her children dearly, I just think she has a skewed idea of how to show that love.

I have not called her since Tuesday, nor has she called me. I think I have pretty much decided that I will be friendly to her when I see her and not go out of my way to not see her. But other than that I don't think I am going to put any more effort into maintaining this friendship.