amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

lakshmi_mama · 09-07-2003, 10:10 PM

What I am dealing with is by no means a unique problem I am sure, but when I am right in the fray of it, I feel very alone and overwhelmed. I could use advice or whatever you have to offer - even if it is a smack across the head to tell me to "just get over yourself!" (ok- I don't really need any smacks - I do that to myself enough. gentle taps will be tolerated

)

I am just at my wits end with my patience and parenting. My dd's are all in their own way driving me to the edge. The biggest difficulty is my 2 1/2 year old dd who is pushing us ALL to our limits. She in at the absolute thick of the trying times that come with this age. She will scream, whine, hit - anything to get her way NOW. I know that this type of behavior can mean that she needs more attention, but honestly, she gets nothing but attention. I have tried every strategy I can think of to get her to temper it down even a little bit, but it just seems to be increasing daily and my patience is wearing out very very quickly. I need to find some sort of answer/relief to this situation before I do something I regret. I already regret what I did today - I yelled at her and put her in a corner for time out. I HAD to do that because honestly, I was so angry and frustrated that I had to step away from the situation and put myself in a time out.

I hate so badly feeling like this. The toddler woes are compounded by 2 pre-teen dd's who just don't seem to follow with the idea that caring for the house is a whole family responsibility. I am so tired of either picking up their crap or when I decide that I am not going to do it - looking at it sitting around or tripping over it. I told them today that whatever they don't take care of by leaving it lying around I am going to give to charity. I swear I will probably end up giving everything they own away because they just don't give a sh*t. I had to spend over $100 on school supplies this week and part of it was on things like markers and colored pencils. I swear I have found dozens of said items spread around the house in the few short days past. And you know they will be fast to come and ask me for more when they need them because they "lost" what they had. I told them today that what they have is all they are getting no matter what. They just stare at me with these "eat sh*t" looks on their face and put on drama like they are neglected children. I won't even get into the state of their rooms that are literally bursting and overflowing in crap out into the common areas. I can't even stand to go upstairs because of the state it is in.

I am horribly behind in my own housekeeping duties because I cannot get **anything** done with my 2 year old around. She literally will follow me around and undo whatever it is I am trying to accomplish. My own room is a disaster area as well because I spend all my time trying to keep the common areas of the house semi-livable. Our diets have been absolutely horrible because I am not able to take the time needed to prepare meals. We have been eating insane amounts of fast/ready made crap. I want to throw-up just thinking about it. I can hardly get to the grocery store because dd will not sit in the cart and if I let her walk she runs away. If I bring the older girls along to help with her she just ends up screaming that she wants me and not them and throwing major tantrums in the store.

I could go on and on with all the details, but I think you get the picture. Things are just plain out of control and spriraling more and more out of control each day. DH is gone for 10 days right now, but things were not hunky dorey before he left so I know this is not just a result of his absence. I don't want to ask my mother for help even though she lives blocks away because she is a very toxic person. She makes a huge deal about any little thing she does and never ever takes the kids for me without being absolutely sure I am overly aware of what a major sacrifice it is for her. I do NOT need to deal with her bs in the midst of my trials with my own family. I am very isolated where I live in the suburbs. My closest friend lives 45 minutes away and she does not have a car so I have to pack everyone up and drive to her place if we are to see each other. When I have so much that I need to do at home, this is just not really any help to me.

HELP! I really need creative thinking here to help me through this. I am failing miserably with my meditation and prayers about it. Each time I find myself getting more frazzled than the last and it is harder and harder to find peace in any aspect of it.

Thanks for letting me dump. I know this isn't a very "crunchy" topic but I trust you gals here and don't want to post this on another forum.

Now I better get back upstairs where by the sounds of things trouble is in full swing.

Grandmommy · 09-07-2003, 10:33 PM

1) Pick the room that bothers you the most and clean up that one room--at least you'll have one place of order to retreat to.

2) About stuff. Kids who don't work for their stuff don't respect it. So...find a big box (or two or three) and everything that is left out of place in your "clean roon" goes into the box. Kids can only retrieve those items by doing extra chores (your choice of chores). Stuff that hasn't been redeemed in a week (or however long you choose) gets donated to the local thrift shop/Salvation Army/Goodwill, etc. No more "freebies" if they want new stuff (and that includes school supplies) make 'em work to earn them. Remember that your oldest is just 6 years from being an adult! Tell them that the free ride is over and it's time for them to start learning to be responsible adults. They will not have mama slaving for them all their lives and now is the time to start learning to take care of their own needs.

3) Make up a schedule chart with daily chores for each child--and don't let them have supper until the day's chores are done. Nothing motivates like a growling tummy, LOL. Every single one of my girls tested me to see if I meant it when I told them that work came before food. I did! There is nothing like doing chores on an empty stomach while your more cooperative sisters are eating to cure cure a case of the lazies.

Another good motivator is to put the TV in the attic or closet until the house is in order and the children have learned to obey. They will definitely howl at first, but I promise you that following this will make your life much more peaceful in the long run!

4) Whenever a kid throws a fit--the answer is automatically (and ALWAYS) "No!" That can be hard when the kid is pitching a fit over something you were going to give her or let her do anyway, but...stick to your guns, mama, you CAN turn this around!

Linda · 09-07-2003, 10:59 PM

Big hugs to you , Mama. I am not so sure that I have any advice...I am only working on one dd now. However, I did like Grandmommy's advice. Have those kids work for their privledges. I really like the idea of working to get their stuff back. It sounds like they have way to much 'stuff' That is a problem in and of itself.

The pre teens are living under your roof...and need to be contributing members of the family.

Structure and boundaries. They are testing you!

For the toddler...check out the gentle guidance forum. There are great references in there.

More hugs to you...I am glad that you posted. I am sure some sage mama's will give some more strategies for you.

Robin · 09-07-2003, 11:02 PM

Grandmommy you gave great advice.

We have a rule in our house that if I have to pick up toys then they go away (usually out to the garage) until such time as I see fit to bring them back.

I know when I was growing up by the time I was your older dd's age I was helping with the housework regularly. I did laundry (whites and towels) and almost all of the dishes. I think your children are old enough to learn some responsibility for helping around the house. Being a part of a family has some responsibility and you are the only one that can teach them that.

Also with the younger dd definitely set a limit and stick with it. I know it can be hard but it only takes a while for them to learn that you mean what you say. Our oldest only threw fits in the store a few times before he learned that it is a priviledge to go to the store. If she throws a fit take her home and let one of the older girls watch her while you shop or take her to the car with one of the older girls who can sit with her in her car seat and watch her. When one of our boys acts up in the store then they know they will end up in the car with one of us (me or dad) or if I am by myself I take them home until I can go back to the store without them. This can be a pain but it is worth my sanity to have to leave a store once or twice because now they rarely ever act up in the store.

Also I have both of my boys help me with different chores. They both like to "help" fold clothes (ok so I have to refold them but it keeps them entertained) also they like to help with loading the dishwasher and the washer and dryer. I find that allowing them to help with the chores gives them something to do so that I don't have to entertain them and also teaches them how to help keep things clean and picked up. I help both of them straighten their rooms but they have to help. They will put books up and toys up as I direct them. They also both like to help make up the beds. Find things she can help you do and this may distract her from undoing all your work. Oh they also like to have a rag and a spray bottle of water to wash the table or floors with while I am cleaning.

I know it is overwhelming. I am looking at having 3 boys under the age of 4 when the baby comes in November and I am wondering when I will ever get it all done. But I know that this too will pass and one day I will miss having to clean up one more spill, at least I hope I do. LOL

thrrrnbush · 09-08-2003, 02:39 AM

I don't have any practical advice, I'd give you a hug if I could, or better yet, clean your kitchen. I can't tell you anything about the preteens being so inexperienced personally but I like the sound of the advice already posted. They're fast becoming women and the responsibililties should precede the freedoms.

As to the terrible twos. I've been through that quite recently and even today my generally sweeter than a sack of sugar three pitched a huge fit at a baby shower. Time's the only cure I know of, she needs to develop maturity (communication skills, empathy, confidence all that stuff two's are just discovering, but so far from mastering). Here's the phrase that became my mantra for most of that year....

"This too shall pass...

like a kidney stone."

organicmama · 09-08-2003, 09:08 AM

*LOL*
You ought to see the big whopping list of stuff my kids have to do when they get home because they did a lousy job-totally incorrectly, etc....

I have a feeling I will be finding MORE to add. WHen they get home from school it will be busy for them.

But like you I have given up.
So no phone, outside, friends over or going out.
No TV no nothing until things are done correctly as they know they should be.

It is very agravating though with those teens that know what to do, but won't.

The toddler, well what can you do. They seem to get to a stage where they are strongly independent. You just got to continue guiding as best as you can.

One thing that I want to point out is that many times AP mama's let their children run the show.
I really want to stress that our children need to know we have authority over them and that we are better equipped to help them through life than they are.
Why would they need parents if we were not supposed to teach them basic principles of respect and compliance. They will have to do those things all their lives with all sorts of people (teachers, bosses, husbands/wives/ friends, etc)
*Not accusing anyone of negligence anymore than I would be guilty of it too*but I notice in circles of AP parents, many children have mama and papa running around trying to please their children letting them do whatever they want. Even getting into other peoples things and accepting it as being explorative. However they need to respect others and thier things and they aren't being taught.

So do not knock yourself over the head for being frustrated with your little one. Because she probably is difficult to manage right now
*I have one going through the same thing right now*

But don't give up. See if papa can give you a break and go shopping yourself.
Or have your preteens babysit.
But get away from the stress on occasion if you can and try to unwind mama.

Really, HUGS to you mama. Motherhood always has its difficulties and challenges.
Just continue being the best mom you can be and don't lose faith in the direction you are trying to lead your child in

And come here anytime to vent. It is ok and we all need peer review and advice on parenting. It is indeed a journey and a challenge!

harvestgirl · 09-08-2003, 09:20 AM

you have already gotten some wonderful advice

sending many hugs of support your way!!

organicmama · 09-08-2003, 10:01 AM

Oh Mama,
AS soon as I got done posting my last reply, I went into my room to make the bed and gather laundry.
My toddler kept asking me if he oculd go to work with his daddy.
I kept saying no as I was busy making my bed.
Over and over this happened and I had no idea my toddler was arguing and kind of yelling.
I was just repeating the same thing over and over while consciously thinking about getting the morning work done in my room.

Dh says, honey do not let him argue with you.
I was like, huh?

DH said my toddler got louder and louder and more insistant with each question.

I realized dh was right when I thought about it, and then I thought of you and wanted to just say, I hear ya, mama!!!!!

I have so much to learn!!!!

.:Becca:. · 09-08-2003, 10:52 AM

Just wanted to give you some {{HUGS}} You can vent here anytime you need to

My 4yo dd is the same way. She thinks the family should revolve around HER.

So, I know what you are going through.

Dannielle · 09-08-2003, 10:58 AM

Great advice!

I would maybe even start out by *helping* each older girl with her room to get it decluttered, organized, and clean so they at least start out in maintenance mode. Now by helping i don't mean rolling up your sleeves and jumping in along side them. I know my 8yr old dd resents the intrusion even if it is help. What I do is set her up with an empty basket for laundry, a box for give aways, a box for storage (things that aren't played with and could be given away but have sentimental value or something), and a trash can. Then I grab a book or project of my own and sit on her bed. I'm there to offer advice when needed and keep her moving but she cleans her own room. Sometimes we end up having great conversations

We all work together on my 2yr old's room...he helps too but isn't soley responsible for it yet.

They're also WAY old enough to have regular duties around the house. Even the big stuff...laundry, dishes, bathrooms.

My 2 yr old even has his chores. He loves helping so I take full advantage of his willingness to help LOL! He is a very good wiper. I give him a damp washcloth with a little soap on it and he washes kitchen counters (he loves doing this because he gets to stand on a chair) and the sink. He wipes down the cabinet doors, refrigerator and dishwasher. He loves taking a scrub brush to the kitchen floor. And he likes washing steps. Both kids have their own broom, mop, dustpan, and mini broom/dustpan. I got them at the dollar store and cut down the handles with a hacksaw (replaced the little cap after cutting off the top). They also have their own cleaning aprons. Kinda dorky but it does seem to help bring on a cleaning mood.

For me simplifying as much as possible is key. I really struggle with housework too. It's just not fun for me. LOL! If it gets too out of control it's so hard to even start. I've drastically simplified toys, created storage, and I'm working on weeding out unneeded clothing and getting laundry caught up.

When I was a kid my parents took allowance and chores to the extreme. At the age of 10 we were cut off financially. We earned clothes, toys, toiletries, treats, etc with our allowance. My sisters and I did all the basic housework. We cleaned the kitchen after dinner, did our own laundry, cleaned bathrooms, vacuumed and dusted. We knew better than to leave stuff lying around...it got thrown away. My parents did their own laundry, their own bedroom and bathroom, and did the yard. Their favorite punishment was 15 minutes of weeding. (I still hate weeding LOL!) They took things to the extreme but our house was always spotless with 3 kids.

My house is never that clean but we also live here...between my wahm biz and homeschooling we generate more mess. I don't mind if our house looks like people live here (my parent's did mind) but I do like it if I don't have to be embarrassed if someone pops by unexpectedly.