amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

lillaurensmomma · 08-31-2003, 09:41 AM

This is a whiny vent more than anything, but if you have any advice, feel free to toss it my way. Lauren is easily a "spirited" child. She is 19mo and constantly on the move. She is now at the point where she knows my buttons and lives to push them. She takes "no" as a personal challenge

. She whines and screams a lot. She is not really verbal so I can't even tell her to use her words because she doesnt have them. I know most of this is just typical toddler stuff, but I just don't know how to deal with it! I've read The Discipline Book (several times) but nothing seems to help. I can redirect her all week and if she wants it, she WILL keep going and going and going after it. She climbs on everything (thus the broken wrist a couple of months ago). I know she understands so much more than she can say, she just chooses not to respond a good portion of the time. I think I could handle most of this, but DH is not with me on the gentle discipline front. When we first started talking about it, I was basically told "you handle it your way, but if it doesnt work I'll handle it my way....I'm not raising a brat" He believes that any child who is not spanked is automatically a brat...and frankly Lauren isn't proving him wrong. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, but I have to fix this or I'm going to lose this battle. I can't stand the thought of him spanking my baby. He says I don't know what I'm talking about with spanking because I wasn't spanked, I was beaten (which is true, but I still don't see the difference KWIM? Either way, you're striking a child). Ugh. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I keep hoping each stage will be easier...but she just becomes more of a challenge. I think she will definitely be an only child.

j

amey · 09-05-2003, 03:05 AM

j,
just letting you know this isn't going unread/forgotten....

d is sick today, and i've been pondering your post since i've been camped out on the counch all day.

trying to think of something useful...

~a

Linda · 09-07-2003, 11:06 PM

Oh-I am so sorry. Spirited children can be so trying. Did you read the 'Rasing your Spirited Child" Book? I know it has helped some of my friends.

Maybe find some reading for your husband regarding spanking and violence. I know that you have read the Discipline Book...has your dh read anything?
Here is a link to Dr Sears about how Spanking is awful...
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t062100.asp
maybe if you give your husband something in this small of a size to read he will read it. Maybe he can think differently about it. Also enlist his help to play with her. Playing is a form of distraction. You can make him think it is his idea...and he won't even catch on to what you are doing! If she is happily playing then she will less likely to get into trouble.

I wish I could be more help.

Hugs, Mama!

~Denise~ · 09-08-2003, 10:55 PM

She is so young that even if you did opt to spank? It'd not teach her WHY she should not jump on the couch or do this or that. It would teach her to fear you, and to fear doing certain things but she will not grasp why......To me, that is not discipline. Discipline means to teach, not harm, cause pain, etc. However at her age, it's hard. And really, she does NOT understand and "get" many things said to her and the reasons why. Have you tried to prevent the problems, as in say she has an issue right now with the coffee table, and refuses to stay off of it.....how about moving it? I know, I know, moving the furniture for a child?! Well, yes. I get sick of saying no all the time, and knowing my toddlers did not GET why I was saying no and why it was not ok to jump on this or that, we just removed it. And as they got older, 2 1/2 or so, we could replace most things back into the room (had them in another room, out of sight, garage, etc.) and we could tell them no and why, and they were beginning to understand. THAT was when we could discipline them, as they began to understand the whys and hows. Otherwise, it's no use and is only confusing to them. And yes, spanking does work in a way. Who wants to be hit or caused pain? Of course she may begin to listen and stay away from that table or chair, she knows it will get her spanked, meaning pain......BUT this is teaching her only one thing......that doing that will get you spanked and in pain. It does not explain to her why, and to me, that is really confusing. They don't get why their Mom and Dad are causing them pain.....what's the use in that?! And once she can understand, she's old enough for other methods of discipline, and those are all ones that work better anyhow. (o; But at her age? You can't expect too much. She is just not mentally old enough to get many things.
I'd consider her hot spots and minimize them. Focus more on positive. If she is jumping on the couch, and it's not ok, how about offering her a bed of pillows on the floor to jump on? Telling her to jump on these and making that funner for her? If she gets on the couch to jump, remove her to the pillows and tell her to jump there, motion jumping on them with her. And you may have to do this over and over.....Or even consider another area distraction. Go outside and jump, etc. If she refuses to leave a certain dangerous thing alone, consider moving it. Minimize the word "no" also, or it becomes so over-used and less effective...and many experts believe once that happens, the child begins to want any attention, even the negative "no" stuff, and they will seek it out over and over. Or just to see your reaction. Lessen your reaction to things you can. If she knows you will jump and be startled and tell her "no!" when shr throws her food, simply remove it....or offer food on her tray and not a plate, etc. I think at her age it's more about distraction and not really discipline. You are setting the grounds for discipline, and to me, you want to keep that positive and meaning teaching right from wrong and why....not teaching that we don't do this or that or you will be spanked. Kinda defeats the actual teaching. (o:

Good luck Mama. If you want, place some examples here of her "trouble" issues, like tell me what caused an issue today, and I can offer what I'd do in that situation. (o: I have 3 kids, and mine went from ultra easy to average to spirited. LOL.

MyYogaBaby · 10-02-2003, 09:47 PM

Have you ever paid close attention to her food? We notice definite behaviour trends in our almost 3 year old when she has sugar or juice. Even if I give her cups of 1/3 juice, over a few days her behavior gets terrible. She's obstinate, combative, just crazy!

At preschool today, someone had a birthday and brought brownies with chocolate frosting and sprinkles...washed down with juice. Afterward, we went shopping for a coat for my dd. Within 5 minutes she was refusing to put on a coat, throwing herself on the floor having a royal fit. It was such an extreme reaction that we knew she just couldn't cope right then. We left *quickly*

Anyway, some kids are really sensitive to sugar. For others, it can be preservatives or food coloring. Keep a close eye on your dd, especially after eating common foods to see if you notice any trends.

Good luck

MGray · 10-04-2003, 10:23 AM

Personally, I don't think it really matters what kind of discipline you use as long as you are consistant with it.

If you consistantly have consequences for unwanted behavior then it will stop.

My 1 yr old is climbing on everything. Every time she gets on something she shouldn't, she gets taken down and told "no". Everytime I see her trying to climb up on something she shouldn't she is told "get down".

It is working, she no longer tries to climb on some objects and she gets down when I say.

But, that means I have to stop what I'm doing and deal with her - every time. That's not easy. Sometimes I don't want to stop what I'm doing. Sometimes she is so darn cute that I want to get my camera! But I have a job to do.

Also - when it comes to whining, temper tantrums or defiant behavior. Figure out what they were wanting and give them the opposite. Never reward that behavior.

And - prevent meltdowns. Make sure she is well fed and rested.

It will not get easier with time if you do not handle these things now. It is important to deal with rebellion before age 3 - to have your child learn that difiance and disrespect will not be tolerated. Ever.

The consequences you apply aren't really important as long as you apply them every time. And as long as they motivate your child to change. Every child has different things that motivate them.