Gentle guidanceThis board is not a debate board regarding spanking vs. non spanking. While we strongly believe that children need and thrive with guidance, we also believe that hitting is not the answer. If you have come here to discuss spanking and your reasons, please desist.
Anneka has (for about 2 months) having tantrums at the drop of a hat. Part of the problem is her inability to communicate. She is very verbally delayed-no other delays she is advanced in other areas.. She wants to run into the road and gets very very angry if I try to stop her from doing that or most anything. If she is doing a puzzle if Evan even looks at her she is mad and yelling. I am up with a hot pack on my back because she did not want to leave a friends house today. She made her body so stiff I literally could not set her it the carseat. I tried to calm her for about 15 mins but just got screams so bad my ears have been ringing.
Please tell me that this is a phase, a very short one. I never had these kind of tantrums with Evan. She is very independent, confidant and strong willed. Those are great traits but add frustration and it is quite a volatile mix!
I am dreading taking her to the fair tomorrow. DH and a friend will be along, perhaps my friend who has 3 children can give me some pointers..
TIA
Jen
((HUGS)) Jen - I hope others reply too because, for me, it's nice to hear LOTS of options I may not think of and to try each out to find a best fit.
That said, my opinion, start implementing some preventative stuff. If you know she is going to run into the street, make sure you have her hand firmly and tell her, "No running, running away in the street can hurt you." If she is an escape artist, throw her in a sling (which sounds like it may not work if you are hurting) or use one of those ~gasp~ toddler harnesses. Her safety is at stake, so whatever means are necessary to *prevent* is what needs to happen. If you can do this without it feeling like punishment, all the better. She is just being a wilfull spirited child.
As far as the carseat goes, I'd try to not go anywhere until she quits power-struggling with you about it. And try to setup some carseat time inside the house to desensitize.
Have you read "Kids and Power Struggles"? I found it especially helpful for my almost 4 yo who is a VERY strong willed kiddo.
Enlist your dh's help and tell him you need some extra support during this trying phase your dd is going through. Have him step in when you are "done" and exhausted.
((HUGS)) You'll get through it. It does get a little tougher before it gets better. When power struggles are in play, kids try HARDER to test boundaries. It's all part of being young.
Thanks for the advise. Yesterday I tried to wait it out in the parking lot. She wasn't going to quit and Evan was in the back seat screaming "QUIT" with his hands over his ears, they he started to cry. She normally has no problem with the carseat. We kept on that was in the accident (it is fine) for her to play with. She loves to sit in it. It was that she didn't want to leave.
I had a copy of Kids and Power struggles, and the tape. I never read it because Evan was a newborn. I always try to get and audiobook for DH because he hates reading and I want him to hear the info too. Tomorrow I will listen to it on my way to Stanford. I have 8 hours by myself in the car tommorow, I think I'll dig out a lot of audiobooks!
Aw yes, the leaving issue. And the "I'm in the store and want something NOW or else I am going to throw a fit" go hand in hand. At least at my house they do.
What we did regarding leaving is to use a timer and give a 5 minute notice, 2 minutes, then 1. Then we would wave bye bye to everything as we left. Kids can't argue with a timer. lol You just have to tell her how much longer she has and stick to it. It *may* take a couple of times of tantrums, but she'll get the idea. I'm sure she is smart as a whip.
In the store, I will allow the kiddos to look at something they find fascinating, but they are told we are not buying anything to take home (I do this before entering the store). I tell them they can hug the item and wave bye bye to it. Again, keeping an even, level non-punitive tone in your voice is key.
My mini-van doesn't have a cd or tape player. I wish I could listen to books on tape. lol
wow Jen (((hugs))) I never went through that with Jack, but I think Jonas might be my challenging child, and he is only a week shy of 9 months . so, I am eager to hear some other responses too. hope you find some answers mama.
~jen
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~*~Mommy to Jack and my twinkie boys Jonas and Lucas ~*~
My son just turned to, and he is also verbally delayed-- doesn't speak in words at all, although it seems like he understands pretty much everything said to him. He is much better now, although he used to tantrum. I do think what you're experiencing is pretty normal, for strong willed and spirited children. What seemed to really work for me (both to help me cope and also to reduce the tantrum frequency and severity) was to try to give DS as much freedom as possible within his environment, while enforcing very clear boundaries in that freedom. I also found that shifting my emotions during tantrums was helpful as well. Finally, I worked on explaining the "rules" to DS over and over, in very simple language, with as much warning as possible. Lemme explain a little further:
1. Creating an environment with freedom-- I have tried to structure our home where things that DS can't have are in locked cabinets, or out of sight or out of reach. We no longer need to use the gates at the bottom and top of our stairs, because he can get up and down the stairs safely. Although I generally follow him from room to room, I don't really "need" to-- anything that he can't have is out of sight or out of reach. I think that minimizing the number of times I had to say "no" during his tantrum periods was really helpful.
2. Enforcing clear boundaries. Once I've said no (which is fairly rare), I never, ever back down. Additional whining or bursts of tears don't change my mind, nor does a full blown tantrum. I get on DH to do this too, but he's more of a softie. I think it's a matter of short term pain (listening to whining or crying) for long term gain (a reduction in that behavior, as it isn't rewarded). I do find that DS at this stage is pretty associative in learning (as in cause and effect, pretty basic stuff-- sort of like where my dog is); what doesn't get reinforced happens less often.
3. Shifting my emotions: I've come to just feel matter of fact and zen-like about tantrums. I don't take it personally, I don't feel embarassed about it, I don't see it as a failure of my parenting or anything else. When it happens, I often comfort to DS (a hug, if that's what he wants, or nursing), and I say verbally to him, "I know that it's upsetting to not get what you want, when you want it. " or something like that, usually more than once, and I might explain something like "you can't run into the road because it's dangerous. Cars drive down the road, sometimes too fast, and can hurt you." If it seems like comfort is not what he wants, I also might leave the room, saying to him "I'm going to be in the kitchen, you can come there if you want to." Sometimes it seems like he just needs to cry it out by himself and I just get in his way. It might be a useful exercise for you if you examine your own internal and external reactions to her tantrums and see how they might be contributing to them. For example, you may have reinforced your daughter's tantruming behavior by "waiting" while she was tantruming, rather than just forcing her in the carseat. If you actually couldn't physically get her in the carseat, I probably would have chosen to just put her in the car, drive 10 feet, annouce to her that she will be strapped into her carseat now, and then strapped her in. I suspect that once she realizes that tantruming is not going to prevent you from leaving, she'd cooperate enough to at least be put in her seat.
4. Explaining the rules, with warning. I think somebody else offered this advice as well, but I think it's really important to talk with toddlers about what's going to happen and about what you expect. This morning, we were out for a walk, and I am enforcing sort of a neighborhood boundary about where we will walk. I don't want to cross a busy street with a traffic light. A few days ago when I refused to let DS cross that street (he tried twice, at the traffic light and then down the other street at a driveway), he had a fit, sobbing on the pavement, to the amusement of the cars passing by, for a good 10 minutes. Finally I just picked him up, still crying, and we went straight home. This morning as we were approaching the corner I said something like, "we are not going to cross the street, it's too busy." He started whimpering a bit and then fussed a little at the corner and again when he asked to cross the street at a driveway, but then he quickly got back up and we continued walking. This strategy has worked so well with DS that it astounds me. I have employed it in other ways (e.g. by reinforcing the rule that you hold my hand when crossing the street, you don't get off the sidewalk, etc). I think the key to these rules is to also offer options and freedom-- he doesn't have to hold my hand when we are walking down the sidewalk, and while he can't go down driveways towards the street, he can go up driveways (though he usually doesn't, and I don't follow him unless he's out of sight), and he can choose which direction we walk on the sidewalk, and where we cross the street. My DH pointed out that enforcing just a few rules has actually given him a lot of freedom, and I think he's right.
I also think that praising and thanking him for his "cooperation" plays a positive role as well. I try to take every opportunity to thank him or praise him for doing the right thing, even if I should expect it from him or it sounds kind of silly. [this approach also works on his father BTW]. DS loves to be praised and I think this contributes to positive self esteem.
Thanks for all the great advise!
Karla-Your reply seems right on. I have A LOT of trouble with #2, my fault.
Also I don't know if she has audiotory processing problems like her brother. I can really explain the rules because she doesn't seem to process well. I do all of the other stuff
One example was today we are at a concert at the fair. She wouldn't stay quite so I walked around with her. I wanted to put her in the stroller hoping she would fall asleep (we spent the entire day there!) She did the limp thing then stiff body and screams, so I said forget it and let her run around more. Should I have enforced that she was to be in the stroller, she was hard to keep up with in that crowd. I have mixed feelings about it, but it might send the message that a tantrum will result in getting what you want.
By the time I figure this out she will be past this stage
Everyone's advice is great. I just wanted to add...you said she is not very verbal? My second dd is an intense person and started having lots of tantrums soon after her first birthday. We taught her sign language to help communicate with us and she has done much better since. Don't know if it would help you but it worked wonders for us.
Good luck getting through this!
We tried sign language. I started early on and her teacher continued. Her teacher said she had never seen a child so reluntant to use signs. She knew them too. I signed thank you instead of please and Anneka corrected me the correct sign. She just didn't want to use signs.. We did the picture exchange system and that worked a bit.. She is pretty good at communicating her needs though.
Anyone need sign language books????
Originally posted by Evan&Annekasmom By the time I figure this out she will be past this stage
That's so true.
I also have found that when I concentrate on a parenting issue for awhile, thinking about how to approach it and/or asking for advice, things have a way of turning around before I implement any solutions!
I do think it's possible that she's learning that a stiff body position is a good way to get what you want. Since the stiff body is so close physically to a tantrum, I wouldn't be surprised if she has learned that these are effective ways to get what you want.
When I want DS to do something affirmative (which is actually pretty rare in our environment, as he pretty much sets his own pace and structure), I try to be strategic ahead of time about whether or not what I want him to do needs to be enforced or not. If, for example, we're out for a walk with the stroller and he seems tired (because I'm pushing the empty stroller, he's walking), and I'd prefer to just go for a walk and have him in the stroller, I approach it as a question, picking him up and asking the question, "do you want to ride in your stroller?" Because he's nonverbal, the only way he can answer no to me is to respond physically. In that case, not putting him in the stroller is respectful of his expressed wishes (and I have asked him what they are). But when we were in a crowded airport a few weeks ago and he just wanted to run and this seemed unsafe given all those electric cars zipping around and people swinging heavy bags, I told him that he needed to be in the stroller and there was no response to his expressed wishes to not be put in the stroller (well, except to repeat that he needed to be in there, for safety reasons).
This is a long winded way of saying that with a nonverbal child, you have signal to them ahead of time whether a request is optional or not. The struggling to be put in a stroller (the stiff body thing you experienced) is a perfectly acceptable "answer" to a question but not an okay response to a requirement.
MY DD is the same age and not speaking at all yet- well, she's said a couple words and then hasnt repeated them.
She's never done the "we're leaving fit" so I don't have great advice for that. I always talk to her "we're leaving after ____. ok, you're almost done with____ , and then we're going to leave. Alright, lets clean up____ so we can say goodbye.
At home fits I usually sit down next to her and let her know I'm there for her "You can't have the _____, but if you need a hug mommy is here" and I let her cry her fit out with me "ready" to hold her. If it is just her attempt to get something, she cries and refuses to come to me. If she is honestly feeling hurt or sad she usually comes running to my arms and quits crying. either way, once we implimented that plan (Daddy is doing the same) tempers have near ceased. Now theya re more of "emotional blow ups" that hugs and love and fix.
I guess in that case I would have picked her back up out of the car and held her until she stopped crying without saying anything. Our girls are probably real different, but mine probably would have been laying on my shoulder after a minute. Then I'd explain very quietly and calmly that "Tommy said bye bye, so it is time for us to go home and do______" or "Remember the (insert something dd likes) we bought while we were in the store? We need to get it home before it gets to hot! Are you ready to help me take it home?"
. so, I am eager to hear some other responses too. hope you find some answers mama.
Hope it improves!
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