amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

07-13-2003, 01:55 PM

I am at the end of my rope with this little girl! I don't know what to do. She is 2 1/2 and very deffiant (sp?). If I ask her a question she ignores me. If I sit her down to try and explain (why she can't play near the stove, has to ask to get in the freezer, why she can't pick up the cat by his neck and on and on) she starts screeming don't yell at me momma don't yell at me. I am not yelling I am talking in a normal voice! She used to never get into the cabnets, freezer, fridge and now I find her there all the time! One morning while I was in the bathroom I come out to find her sitting down with the freezer open (the freezer is on the bottom) eating her dads ice cream. This I thought was a little funny, but when I took it away she screamed and screamed mine mine mine. I know that this dosn't sound to bad, but its everything. Every question I ask her, nap time, bed time anytime she has a tantrem or tells me no mama you do it, don't yell at me, don't hurt me (this one really gets me! Its usually when I pick her up during a temper tantrum because it's somewhere she could get hurt. I don't know what to do. I think boundries are very important, but establishing them where she understans seemes impossible. I need some help!
Thanks ahead of time.

freedomlover · 07-13-2003, 02:44 PM

(I don't recall my other kids being quite like this)

The way I handle it is to say what I want clearly
"Close the freezer door for me so the food will stay cold"

If he doesn't want to so something I tell him I need for him to do and starts to have a tantrum I say

" If you do not stop your tantrum when I count to the number four.....I am walking out of the room til you can do as I ask....1, 2, I love you and hope you can calm down.....3, 4"

Then I just turn and go to another room and usually he calms down somewhere between the start of the tantrum and me actually walking to another room.

If he doesn't calm down and follows me to the other room still tantruming I say

"I will talk to you when you have calmed down and can talk in a clear voice......until then I can not discuss things with you"

It takes so much energy and work dealing with the ordeal....

it seems to be getting better now that he is nearly 3 (in a couple of months)

I actually see him seemingly thinking things out and not choosing tantrums.

It seems you need to tell your child when she says "don't yell at me mama" or " don't hurt me mama" something like "Mama is talking nicely....you do the same for mama" or " Mama wouldn't hurt her honey.......I am just moving you to a safer place since you aren't moving yourself"

07-13-2003, 08:12 PM

You have similar ways, but a little different so I am going to try your approach.

Thank you VERY much!

MGray · 07-13-2003, 08:34 PM

Something that I always do with my kids is that if they don't listen to me when I first say something, I go to them and have them do it.

For instance - if I call them to me (in a situation where I know they heard me) and they don't come to me. I will walk over to them, take them by the hand and lead them to where I was and then get on with whatever I wanted them for in the first place. With a little one like what you have, I'd say "come when momma calls you" or something simple like that.

So for your ice cream episode, I would have said, "get out of the freezer" and when she ignored it, I would have removed her from the freezer and said, "listen when momma talks" or something like that.

Now for the tantrums - I tell them how its too bad that they are so upset, I'll talk to you when you calm down. And then I often pick them up and take them to their beds. As I plop them on their beds, I remind them that when they calm down, they can come to me.

Sometimes I will walk away from them - but if that was my kid in the ice cream, they would just go back to the ice cream! So, I don't close the door or anything, and if they follow me around screaming, I will either ignore them or just silently put them back on the bed.

When my oldest was that age, he got so he would flop himself on the bed when he was all out of sorts - kind of giving himself that cooling off space.

So in a nutshell - here is my advice:

Keep commands simple, short and concise. Too much talk makes them tune you out.

Also - don't ask them to do stuff, command them. No "could you pick that up" instead "pick that up for me".

If you give instruction, see that it is followed through every time. Be careful to only give instructions when you are willing to get up and make them follow through.

Give very little emotional response to screaming - either remove yourself or your child from the situation and let them regroup.

I also make my kids say yes mam or respond in some way that they have heard me. This is taught just by reminding them over and over. But that way, they know they can't just blow me off like they haven't heard. If they don't respond, I go touch them, look them in the eyes and repeat the instruction. Also - my kids know better than to directly say 'no' to an instruction, so the response sort of prods them along!

HTH - Melinda

pmjmomma · 07-24-2003, 06:36 PM

I struggle with my own kids with similar issues, and really don't have any advice, but had to sahre. . .

I was reading your post with my almost 4 year old on my lap. your post describes her to a tee at that age, btw. She sees the pic of your little girl and says "That's my friend. See how she used the markers on herself? That makes her my friend because she likes what I like. All kids don't like that, but I really do. I'm sorry, I know it makes you mad mommy, but that's my friend and she understands because she does it too."

Out of the mouths of babes? I don't know why some kids are more "more" (to borrow a term from raising your spirited child) but I find that lately mine has been reminding me that it's just who she is. I'm trying to remember that passion is a great trait in adults, we just have to teach her appropriate *use* of that passion, yk?

07-24-2003, 08:17 PM

Thank you! I really needed to see your post.