amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

mothersrem · 07-02-2003, 04:27 PM

I have been busting my tail to get my dd's room decluttered. She will not let me get rid of anything. I have to clean when she is asleep. Well, if finally had my putaway box ready to put away of all her art supplies. yes, it is a huge put away box. anyway, one of her friends was over and I apologized for the condition of my kitchen counter and table since I was moving the art supplies to the kitchen so I could watch my 2 yr old with them so she would not draw or do glitter in her sisters room. Well, just as I apologize to my dd's friend, my 5 year old says,"your a yucky mommy because you don't take care of things."

I know she is five and I know children try and say funny things but this hurt me. this is the 3rd really rude, insulting thing she has said about me to my face in front of people today.

I am trying to decide where to go with this and how to handle it the next time. The irony is that it is all her stuff I am trying to organize.

TIA everyone,

dreamseeds · 07-02-2003, 04:38 PM

Just tell her you are trying to make things neater and that sometimes it gets messier before it gets neater. ITS TRUE!

Does she have negative influences-cartoons, tv shows, friends.
If that could be where she learned it, then get rid of it.
There are times my children say wierd things and I find it came from a tv program. So then they are not allowed to watch it.
We limit tv anyways for that reason.

Do not take it personal mama. Just keep on loving her and
being the good mama you are.

Phoenix~Rose · 07-02-2003, 04:54 PM

Ouch! That would not be acceptable to me either.

I can pull a trick out of the therapeutic parenting bag that would apply to this situation, but you might feel it is a bit too harsh for her. I''ll share it and then you can take it or leave it and consider that it comes from a therapeutic foster parent situation. Some of it works for kids with less severe behavioral issues too.

First of all, you are the mommy and whether she "lets" you organize or not, you are in charge here and you have the right to take care of it the way you see fit. She can be given the choice of filling one small box with extra special things that you will not put away, but that would be it. Kind but firm is the key word.

If she has said these rude things to you in front of other people more than once, it seems to be she knows that this is hurtful to you. You are a yucky mommy?Mmmm...not very nice.
I think it might be a good idea to tell her how that is a hurtful thing to say. I mean, how would she feel if you called her a yucky little girl? In front of her friends, no less? It sounds like she is angry with you, but she needs to tell you this in more appropriate ways. For instance, tell her that she can say"i am mad at you" so you guys can talk about it. Saying mean things is off limits. It hurts feelings. Period. It is also disrespectful to you and the guests.

When my foster daughter did this for a while, I explained to her, after she had said hurtful things in the presence of guests, that for the next two times someone visited, she would be sent to her room immediately. No discussion. And then I gave her a timer set for 30 minutes. When the timer went off, she was supposed to come out and tell me whether she felt she could choose respectful words or would she rather color or play in her room for the time we had company. She choose the respectful words both
times. She was a bit shocked that i followed through though. The first time someone stopped by and I allowed her to greet the visitor, then handed her the timer with the words:"Sarah, go spend some time thinking about which words you will use today", she was floored.

Now remember that Sarah was 9 (though developmentally more like 7) and she used disrespectful words much stronger than your dd. But the approach worked quickly. You could modify it too, for age etc.

Just sharing what we did. HTH

jacNal'smom · 07-02-2003, 05:00 PM

O.K. before you read any further...I'll let you know I am a yucky mama and I'm sometimes "mean" too...

We have a big issue with Miss Alicia and her stuff. It's everywhere and she never wants to get rid of anything. And, she has a big craft supply collection in her room with a gate...otherwise the 2yo would be in it or she wouldn't have free access.

I have come to the conclusion she is quite capable of organizing her own things. She just doesn't feel like it. So, here's the deal...we expect her to keep it at a reasonable level. That means...picked up-sort of. She can arrange it however she likes...but it can't just be all over the floor and spilling out of her room. When it's out of control...which most of the time it is...I make her go in and clean it up herself. Then, she cries and whines and says she doesn't even want it, etc... So, I bag it up and drop it off at the homeless shelter.... (that has happened twice, btw...)

I understand she is not capable of clutter control for the most part, so when she isn't here, I go in and weed through stuff once in awhile. Basically, she is just responsible for keeping a path cleared.

I am a firm believer that if you do it for them and take the responsibility for the process...they will never learn how to do it themselves. That said...it was a evolutionary process to get to where I am now... I used to feel bad about getting rid of her things, but now I don't. Oh, and I don't get her new things if we are having a phase where we can't keep up with what we already have...

As for the mouth...I would say it isn't tolerated. Yes, I have heard it and yes, sometimes it isn't even worth the effort for me to deal with it. I think it's an age thing and I know she's trying to assert her independence...but I don't like her to talk like that. She has a couple friends who are allowed to talk like that...so we limit contact with them. Also, no t.v. or very little. That has helped immensely.

I think if you take the responsibility for her mess and then she talks to you like that...you are not teaching her personal accountability. And, I believe that's a huge problem with people today...we blame everyone else for our doings...

Anyway, I know she's only 5, but she's smart enough to start learning to take care of her own things. And, I know this is long...but currently Alicia is in her own room stewing over a messy art table that has sort of overflowed into the whole room.... I told you I was a yucky mama...

07-02-2003, 08:53 PM

with mine I have said that for each new thing they bring into the house they ahve to choose one other thing of the same or close to the same size to give away to another little boy or girl. the rule is at the store they cannot get "whatever" unless they are willing to do this and I ask them to think about what they don't want or don't need anymore on the way home to play with their new toy. and they may not play with the new toy until they have. (that way it gets doen fast because they want to play with the new toy)

I have also given time limits such as "if this mess is not cleaned up in 30 min I am coming in with a garbage bag and anything that is on the floor is going in it. take it to the salvation army, take it to the garbage (if you have the strength) or tell them because they can't take care of their toys they need to go away for awhile until they can learn to put them away properly (eg; two weeks) most of the time they don't even know their gone anymore leaving you time to get rid of the bag.

they can whine and cry but I find that if I continue even when I feel like a horrible no fun mom that they know you mean busness! good luck!

maybe make the job smaller, maybe it overwhelms her, ask her to put all the beads in a jar or all the coloured paper in this bin or that.... I pesonally hate mess to the point that I make my kids clean up several times a day. (clean up before snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack, bedtime) and there is no cool snack or getting out of new toys until they have. I guess I'm blessed but I started at 7 months with the put the toys in the bucket game. I guess I'm crazy though too LOL!