amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

FromRoseCottage · 05-01-2003, 07:04 AM

We were grocery shopping yesterday afternoon and there was this little bitty girl, probably 2, who had a whistle (don't even get me started on giving a child THAT age a tiny whistle - that is another rant) and she blew it continually for the 20 minutes my children and I were in there. I was almost insane by the time I got my shopping done and was to the check out. I just mentioned to one of my older girls how my PMS must be really bad because things like that don't usually get to me so quickly. This young woman who was our checker says "Oh I know, she needs her little butt paddled!" I said "No, her mother needs to take the whistle before she chokes on it and remember that there are other people in the store and it is rude to disturb everyone." The checker says "Well, I would tear her up." To which I replied " Well, I don't spank my children." She was stunned. She knows us, she knows I have raised six children and she just could not believe I didn't hit them. So I suppose thinking I was lying, she turns to my 7 year old and says "You mean you have NEVER had a spanking?????" And the sweet little man looks at her very seriously and says "Ma'am I am not really sure what a spanking is." I almost peed my pants. She just was SO surprised and went on to say "Well, maybe that is why you are always so well behaved in here." I told her she might remember that if she ever had children of her own.

Is it really that popular of a disciplinary action? I have never been spanked, beaten, whipped or whupped if you are from around here. My husband might have gotten licks in highschool from a teacher once or twice but that is it. I don't hit him, he doesn't hit me and our children don't hit each other.

Realizing this maybe a stupid question but can't you live your life making hitting unacceptable and that be fairly easy to comprehend? I think it would be hard to explain to children that hitting is wrong if you hit them. And besides, hitting an already out of control person be it a child or adult, just doesn't seem likea solution - I know if I was upset and someone hit me it would not make the situation better. I have never known of a situation where I thought it did anything beneficial. I have seen REALLY REALLY rotten kids who got spanked on a regular basis and it was kinda like they thought subconsciously if no other way that "Well, I am going to get in trouble so I might as well do what I want."

Anyway I was very proud as well as amused that my little one responded like he did. He's such a precious child. It would absolultely break his heart for one of us to hit him.

I have personally found over the past 24 years of parenting that good behavior takes LOTS of time and conditioning and if you put forth the effort, it will pay off. But you have to spend an enormous amount of time with your children and teach them HOW to behave not just demand it. They are reactionary...as we are. And they have to be conditioned to react a certain way ~~without violence.

Not meaning to stir up trouble but I have quite a few years of experience and I have found spanking to be most definitely unnecessary.

Suzi@RoseCottage
Plays in the Dirt
Natural Woman
Savonnière
Bibliophile

bwylde · 05-01-2003, 08:14 AM

I love your son's comment. Priceless.

My mom always says to Ethan "I'm gonna spank your bum!" and I'm like, you better not!!!!!!! (we were spanked as children) People I know around here do it automatically. My aunt, who has a 6 year old son, started spanking him when he was 6 months old

. What can a 6 month old do to "deserve" a spanking? At the mall where I used to work, people would grab their kids and whoop them right in front of everyone. I'd call someone and get the attitude that it's "just" a spanking, nothing serious. Not in my opinion. When it's adults beating on another, they get hauled off in a police car. Sorry, this topic just makes me mad

I think that spanking is often what first comes to mind for some people and it provides the parent with a sense of relief because they were able to release their frustration. I dont' know from experience, but just from listening to people I know who talk about spanking their kids.

I could go on and on about this. Voilence of any sort usually doesn't solve anything but rather makes the problem worse. I can totally picture a child who was often spanked hitting another child and when getting in trouble saying "but you hit me". There are better ways.

Carla V.

FromRoseCottage · 05-01-2003, 08:19 AM

we see a child acting out:

There are no bad children, only bad parents.

Not always true but you do see some REALLY bad behavior from parents -- it looks like a grown up could behave themselves in public doesnt it?????

tandemmama · 05-01-2003, 10:02 AM

I hope that you planted a seed in that checker's mind and that she understands there are alternatives now. I was spanked as a child (and abused by a stepdad as a teen...) and saw everyone I know spanked, so therefore, I've never HEARD of not spanking. When I got older, I honestly figured that if you didn't spank, then you didn't care and your kids would turn out rotten. This is all a result of the way I was raised. When I got pg, I had friends with small children and watching them being disciplined (spanked) I started to think.. "was that nessocary?" and looked up some stuff on discipline and learned that it is NOT ok to spank and that teaching can be done very effectively without it. I was relieved to learn that I could raise my children without hurting them. It may sound silly that I had to learn that and I didn't just know it or figure it out, but I was honestly raised to believe that it was nessocary whether you like it or not. I am glad that I came to this realization before my first child was ever born. who knows, maybe my instincts would have guided me away from it when the time came (like they guided me towards other aspects of AP that I never imagined I'd do) but honestly that checker will probably think twice now when she has children of her own. I used to be one of those people in the grocery store when I was 18 thinking..if that were MY child......

Kori · 05-01-2003, 03:10 PM

That's so weird because I just had something similar happen with a checker. After the people in front of me left she remarked that the child needed a spanking. I told her I disagreed and we just changed the subject. I won't get in her line anymore.

I do think people who were raised being spanked think it's normal.

elsie · 05-01-2003, 04:36 PM

I think its VERY common. I just finished up 21 parent conferences at work, and I'd say half mentioned some kind of corporal punishment, from a smack on the hand to getting out the belt (and yes, I'm talking about 2 year olds here!

)

My mom was here last weekend, and she and Abel and I were out to dinner. I mentioned the conference stuff to her, and she asked me, "so, you've REALLY never hit Abel?"

I almost had to leave the table. But I stayed calm

Told her, no, not even close. Said I cannot imagine anything he could do that would frustrate me enough to hit him in any way shape or form. She just shrugged her shoulders. Abel 1/2 listened to this whole conversation, and I am quite sure he does not actually know what "a spanking" is, since he's never had or seen one. And that is a very rare thing for a 4 year old.

momgoddess · 05-01-2003, 04:53 PM

I love your son's response, that's AWESOME! My favorite quote, I think I'll add it to my sig line is "Children behave as well as they are treated" it's SOOOOOOOOOOO true. I don't spank, but I have that on my refrigerator and my my computer monitor to remind me that every day.

I used to spank occasionally many years ago, and I realized very quickly that it didn't work and I hated the guilt I felt doing it. I used to get criticized for *not* spanking so much that it led me to spank because I felt like I wasn't disciplining them good enough (as a first time mom I felt inadequate and didn't have the confidence in my own maternal instincts and beliefs then) but I don't let ANYONE influence the way I raise my children anymore which is why now I pretty much do EVERYTHING outside the mainstream.

A friend of mine said she spanks because it "gets the job done" and it immediately makes her child stop what he is doing wrong. And I said to her, "Tying your child to his bed would keep him from getting up and 'get the job done', but that doesn't necessarily mean that is the healthiest way to handle the situation and won't cause long-term effects" She didn't even get my point.

::sigh::

missionheart · 05-01-2003, 11:38 PM

and quite frequently! But I have never spanked my own. I always felt it was not right at all and hubby feels the same. It's true- as we have now raised some to adulthood, that it works. Yes- it takes effort as many people just can't take the time to " train " and " guide " and not haul off with discipline / spanking. A properly trained child never needs discipline. It hurts me to see so many little spirits crushed so often....and so needlessly. Yes, Suzi- people are shocked at our children too. We get compliments all the time and then later at some point when people find out we don't spank- they say " How did you do that?"

amy373 · 05-02-2003, 04:32 PM

My mother was beaten with a broom when she was a child. My grandmother was proud that if she leaned in to talk to her children they would all take a step back because they were afraid of her.

My dad, well, he was raised in a family where you didn't raise your eyes (or voice) to an authority figure.

Mom is mousey and quiet and dad was a hell raiser. Neither of them ever hit my sisters or me when we were growing up and we're all rather nice people.

My DH was beaten as a child. He was also emotionally broken (he once asked his mother why she never told him she loved him and she threatened to commit him to the local psychiatric lock-up.)

We will never, ever hit our children. It's wrong. It doesn't make sense. It's true that when adults hit each other one or both get locked up on domestic charges. You can whack the heck out of a child and face no consequences. I don't understand.