I am so sad. I'm at a loss. And I don't know what to do.
Most of you know, we have Nico here on the weekends. She is 4 1/2, and has always been extremely compassionate, empathetic and caring.
But in the last 5-6 weeks, her behavior has changed SO much!! We thought, originally, that the hub-bub of the holidays was too much for her, but the behavior is continuing.
She has been hurting Kaya, and even our friend's son, Emmett, who is 3. We've had one (or more) instance every week since the week before Christmas.
First, she squeezed Kaya's hand, and dug in with her nails ~ so hard that it left marks. She said it was because Kaya tried to take something away from her.
The next week, she slapped Kaya on the head while I was down stocking the woodstove. She had no reason other than "I don't know"
The week after that, she punched Emmett in the back when she "thought we was going to eat all of the carrots and peanut butter" even though there was A LOT left on the plate.
Last weekend, she bit kaya's finger, leaving tooth marks that stayed there for 24 hours. She said it was because Kaya looked like she was going to shove her.
Last night, as we were making doll furniture out of egg cartons, I went downstairs for a piece of wood for the table top and I hear Kaya scream. Nico had hit her two times on the head with a artists paint brush. She left two HUGE lumps on her head that are now bruises. Her reason was "I don't know"
I am at my wits end. I don't know how to dicipline her. It only seems to happen when J is not here (except for when she punched Emmett) and her reasons don't make sense. Not that there's a reason to hurt someone, but you know.
I am at the point where I don't want to leave Kaya in the same room with Nico. Now, 98% of the time, they are sweet and lovey to each other. Nico seems to adore Kaya. And then, all of a sudden, she lashes out. I don't understand. And it makes me sad because I feel *SO* angry with Nico after I see the welts or marks she's left on her. I know I am an adult, but it very hard for me to forgive her when I hear Kaya cry in pain.
I don't know what to do.... Really. J has brought up the punishment that we both got as kids if we did something like that... But... :sigh:
I am in tears over this. I don't even know where to begin.
Please, I need some advice.
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How Time Flies ~ Luna Blue is Two!
Tree hugging, vegetarian, breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, home schooling, drum playing Step-Mama to my sweet Nico Sage and Mama to my curly Kaya Jade and wee Luna Blue. Lovin my hottie ~ J. Blogging From the Boonies My Etsy Shop
I wanted to add that I don't think it is an attention thing, either. Nico and I do crafts, worksheets and activities all day long. She gets more of my attention that Kaya does, it seems.
Yes, but I'm sure, in Nico's eyes, Kaya gets to "keep" you all week. I don't have any suggestions, but I can really feel for all of you. I hope others have some good ideas.
Hana
anger direction? As in, using her words to say I am angry, perhaps punching a pillow? She must be seeing this somewhere, ya know? Perhaps talking to mommy may figure this out? Perhaps she's seeing this on TV?
I don't know what to tell you.
But e-mail or PM Amy aka Dancing~Giraffe or post to the gentle discipline board.
Maybe she's jealous because Kaya is with J everyday, whereas she only gets to see him on the weekends?
Maybe she's lashing out at Kaya because she thinks that Kaya has taken her Daddy away?
Just guessing....
Well, the good that has come of this, is that we have been having a better relationship with Nico's bio-mom since this happened. Actually, a week after the holidays, Ananda was putting Nico in time out when Nico grabbed her face and squeezed in anger. It left several big scratches on Ananda's face, and Ananda did end up giving her the punishment that J has brought up.
We all got together two weeks ago and had a discussion with Nico that this is NOT acceptable. We decided that, for now, if she intentionally hurts anyone, she will go into time out for the rest of the night except for meals and bathroom. But she is able to get up for 10 minutes every hour to expend energy. Time out, for her, is sitting in her desk chair facing the wall. I know it sounds harsh, but this is the best thing we could come up with that would let her know that we have a "No tolerance" stance on that sort of thing.
i know i'm the last person that should be giving advice on this kind of thing but....
nico may be getting closer to you and feeling like she wants your attention more than her own mother. her behavior is very typical of sibling rivalry. though you say you give her loads of attention to her it still may not be enough. the book "siblings without rivalry" is a great one. though they are not true sisters they are still siblings and will go through some of the same stages. a lot of older siblings will go as far as saying they want the younger one dead when at the same time they do not want them gone. talk to her about her feelings about kaya even if they sound harsh let her talk and try to understand. also, kaya just started walking which is a new thing. older siblings go through some rough stages when the baby starts to crawl and then starts to walk.
or.... something may be going on w/ her mother. does her mother spank at all? that will lead to aggression. does her mother have a new boyfriend?
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I agree Meeshi, she *needs* the discipline, or else she will continue to do it if there are no consequences to her actions. A chiild who is not disciplined and given borders, limits, is one that will have problems later on. These limits that parents provide make a child feel secure and kind of "save them from themselves," if you know what I mean. Kids need to know that they aren't the ones in charge.
Our daughter has been doing the same thing to Louis recently, (although she hasn't actually hurt him yet, but has made the attempt, ie. shoving him, slapping his hand) and she does it at her dad's house too, to her stepmom and brother over there. She has to stand in the corner facing the wall for 30 minutes. If she looks around, starts fidgeting, what have you, she gets another 10 mins. for each incident. When she comes out of time-out, June is usually very affectionate, sweet and apologetic. Go figure! I figure it's best to lay down the law now so that when she's a teenager, hopefully things won't be so tough (yeah right!).
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That is a really really really long time out for a 4 year old to sit in time out. I know hitting isn't appropriate behavior, but some aggression between siblings is normal behavior. I would worry that such an extreme punishment would backfire and make her more resentful of Kaya. In all honestly, I would worry about damaging her self esteem.
When Ara (who is four) hits Simone, I ask her to go sit on the couch until she feels that she can control her behavior and not hurt anyone. I tell her it is my responsibility to keep everyone safe and I cannot do that if she hits. Sometimes she sits for 10 seconds, sometimes she stays for a few minutes. It is always her choice - I don't want to take away her control and make her feel more powerless, I want to empower her. I don't think punishment/discipline should make them feel powerless to make changes. Anyway, when she rejoins us, I always say that I am glad she is back and ready to play with us.
Ara is very impulsive and can be pretty aggressive. Doing this consistently (after trying some other methods) has worked for her. I find she needs time to chill out and collect herself.
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Allison
mama to Ara, Simone, and Zarin
Allison, I do agree that it is a long time. She has only had the "time out till early bedtime" punishment two times. The first time, she went in at 6:00, had a half hour out for dinner and was in bed by 7:30. Last night, the incident happened around five, she had about a half hour for dinner, a ten minute play time and in bed by 7.
I know that some aggression is normal, but this is going beyond the shoving etc that I suspect is somewhat normal. The bite to the finger was pretty bad and the welts she got from the paintbrush (long wooden handle and metal part holding on the bristles) were downright scary. J and I both fear that the next attack could land Kaya in the ER, you know?
Like I said, we just don't know what to do to stop this. We've talked about ways to let go of anger without hurting, like hitting a drum or pillow. We've let her know that if she ever gets sick of Kaya, she can either play in the playroom or her bedroom alone (I will take Kaya aside), which she loves. We tried putting her in time out until she felt calm and ready to join the family, and when she came out, it wasn't a half hour before she hurt her again.
And the agression goes beyond Kaya, though it seems like she's just the easy target. She has gone after our friends child and her own mother as well...
Julia, yes, Ananda did spank her the time Nico grabbed her by the face and scratched. It was her first one ever.
:sigh: I don't want to take away Nico's control and make her feel powerless, but I want her to know that if she hurts someone, she will not just be forgiven in 5 or 15 seconds. I feel like she has to take responsibility and own up to the actions she makes.
since it seems to happen when J isn't around, do you think she's testing some sort of limit with you as a parental/authority figure? maybe she's jealous that you and kaya get to be with J all week and she doesn't?
i'm so not an expert on this, lol, so take it with a grain of salt.
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Jennifer
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:sigh: I don't want to take away Nico's control and make her feel powerless, but I want her to know that if she hurts someone, she will not just be forgiven in 5 or 15 seconds. I feel like she has to take responsibility and own up to the actions she makes.
I hate this. [/b]
Meeshi, I don't think it's about making the child feel powerless, it's about showing them that when you invade the personal space of another human being, and harm them physically, there WILL be consequences. I think that a child of 4 may not know why or wherefore they are being punished, but they are learning that for every action there is a reaction, cause/effect. FWIW, June is 7yo, so when she's in time out, I think she's actually starting to understand that it's not just cause/effect, but that she's there b/c she violated someone else's body/space, etc. Also, when she comes out of time out we always discuss WHY she was put there, and why we felt it necessary to do so. Our speech usually ends something like this: "We love you very much and we don't want you to hurt other people, b/c you're a great kid, etc. etc." All punishment ends on a positive note.
aww Meeshi, no advice here as I've not had to deal with siblings yet but maybe Nico is sad or upset that Kaya gets to stay there all the time and she doesn't? That wouldn't explain the situation with Emmet though... I hope you find a way to resolve this soon.
*edited to add* I just read the other replies and realized everyone else suggested the same thing lol
Advice please? ~ Re: Older siblings hurting younger sibling...
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