amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Holly · 12-31-2001, 11:25 AM

My oldest dd is a total performer--really, she loves to dance & sing and capture everyone's attention, and that permeates every aspect of her life LOL. She does things just to get a reaction (negative or positive) and I've been rethinking the way we respond. I'd like to know how you would handle this? For example, she'll whine if she doesn't get her way (she's a big whiner to begin with, she's very dramatic). Usually we just ignore that. But we also have to consider that she's teaching her 2 yo sister to whine as well.

On the flip side, this morning she dropped some toast off her plate and my 2 yo got down to get it for her. My dh said "Thank you, Rebekah for getting Catherine's toast." That was it--no big fuss or anything. So, then, Catherine takes something off Rebekah's plate, drops it, gets it, and looks at Ted for a response. He didn't even know what to do since he was so surprised she did it! She does things like that for attention-whether it be positive or negative.

I'm sure she is not getting as much attention as we should be giving her, but we do make a big effort to give her as much as the 2 little ones. And I do school with her 4 days a week so she pretty much has my attention completely then. We spend time alone with her (both dh and I take turns). What else could be going on? What can I do? Any suggestions would be helpful...thanks!

I'll probably post another Q about her as well if I have time later. I appreciate your time!

Holly
thebornhome@juno.com
Wife to Ted &
Mom to Catherine (5),
Rebekah (2) & Isabel (8 mos)
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12-31-2001, 11:51 AM

Holly,
Your daughter and my son sound like the same person. It drives me nuts really but I've learned a few things about Peter. He loves attention and will do anything to get it. This could lead to problems if I don't do something right now.
I do school with him also 5 days a week but it never seems to be one on one because of either Sean or Matthew. I do ask that when dh is home that Peter and I get to do school or science alone. Just me and him. Dh also takes Peter places like the hardware store or autoparts place alone, because he's a big boy. I also try hard to do a Peter and Me alone time twice a month. We went to the movies last month and we'll go again next week. We'll go out to lunch then the movies then some icecream or dunkin dounuts. No this isn't cheap but he needs this for some reason.
He also doesn't see school or baseball or cubscout or anything as his special stuff because he's the oldest. All Peter is able to see is Matthew gets to be in my arms.
I try to explain to Peter that holding a 4'6" 7 year old that weighs 85 pounds is impossible for me. Instead I remember to hug him and kiss him more.

Love
Heather

 Homeschooling,Breastfeeding,Loving Momma to 3 boys, ages 7,3 and 21months

waterlily · 01-02-2002, 06:45 PM

Rae, trying not to assume I know what your homelife is like but to me the danger of too much praise or positive attention is that they start to need it to feel ok. I know "catch your child doing something right" is very popular and I am not advocating not noticing the wonderful things about your child, but recognizing when they are dependent or relying upon it is important. Could you possibly give her attention without "calling attention" to her? For example, she craves to be noticed by you so keep her with you throughout the day as your little helper, giving her jobs to do that make her feel needed an important, a necessary part of the family in her very own way? You may be doing this already, but it was what popped in my head when I read your post.

~~~waterlily~~~
You mean she actually slows down?
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"No trumpets sound when the important decisions in our life are made. Destiny is made known silently."
~Agnes DeMille
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Holly · 01-02-2002, 09:01 PM

I do think that we have overpraised her in the past, so I think perhaps that is the problem. We have been so much more guarded with how we talk to her, oh say, in the last 6 months, but I'm sure that we could still be doing it too much. I so appreciate you calling my attention to that.

Thanks for the suggestion, too. I do find that if I "stay on top of her" so to speak, all day long, things go much better. By staying on top of her I mean involving her in everything! If I forget to involve her in something, she does something else for attention. So, you pretty much hit the nail on the head with the problem & probably solution!

Thank you so much.

Holly
thebornhome@juno.com
Wife to Ted &
Mom to Catherine (5),
Rebekah (2) & Isabel (8 mos)
http://www.boomspeed.com/hrborn/FamilyPic2.jpg
View or leave me feedback: Amity's World ~ Ebay

01-03-2002, 12:04 AM

I was thinking our dd's sound alot alikehttp://www.amitymama.com/images/icons/wink.gif
Livie is such a performer.I know we over praise b/c she seeks it out alot now. But sometimes I'm truley totally impressed! Today she drew a picture that was just SOOOOO CUTE I had to gush a little!
She starts gymnastics next week in the hope that it will partly give her performance time not to mention an outlet for her boundless energy!

[b]Amelia
Mama to [b]Olivia (3/10/98) and Michael (10/4/99)



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my feedback

Mrsmissy · 01-03-2002, 10:18 PM

WOW! This is MY SON! He is a BIG performer---good and bad. However, if someone comes over to our house, he feels the need to be the loudest, clingiest, most annoying to get the attention.

I'm trying to spend quality positive time with him so he doesn't feel the need to do that. It is quite frustrating!

Missy

Change the world---
Nurture a child

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01-17-2002, 12:23 PM

wanted to post link to a great article about "child centered" parenting, and the drawbacks...
http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html