I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
I spank my 3 year old from time to time, but deep inside of me I feel like it is so wrong. I have learned about alternative methods and try to use them, but how do i overcome my urge to spank when I am particularly peeved? Needless to say, I was spanked as a child, by my dad. My mother, though, holds strongly the belief that spanking is not a good thing. I, too, believe that, but find it so hard not to give in to my urge to spank when I'm really upset. How do I get over this? I always feel like the meanest mom ever when I spank. Any good advive for me??
Mommy to Jane (3), Conner (1 1/2), and ???(due June 9th)
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
{{{Hugs}}} Mama! Feeling like that after spanking is telling you that something is remiss! If you aren't satisfied with how you are handling things then looking for other solutions is an empowering move on your part.
I too, have a nearly overwhelming urge to strike out...and it nearly *always* comes at a time when I'm tired, hungry, hurting, distracted or some other thing that keeps me off balance. This is when *I* need some empathy, and it's REALLY hard to give it to someone else when I'm in need of it myself! Now, my 21 month old is able to offer empathy at times (mama's boo-boo gets kisses for example), but when she's in need of it herself, she can't and doesn't. She's also a baby, and learning so I try to remember that her needs are more important to her than mine, and rightly so most of the time.
Spanking is a means of physical release of anger (which manifests as annoyance, irritation, frustration etc), IMO. If you have the urge, it may be an unexpressed feeling that needs an outlet. I would encourage you to find ways of dealing with your child in those times that are not physical. Leave the room, call someone, take 5 slow deep breaths, create a mantra for yourself (the one I use is "I express my anger in ways that are undamaging to myself and others", create one that speaks to YOU), get a drink of water, read a short passage from a book (Meditations for New Mothers or Mothers with Toddlers are excellent for this, I just open and read), listen to or sing a song that lifts your spirits. I have a sweatshirt from Disneyland with Grumpy on it, and it says Grumpy in big blue letters across the top - I can't possibly BE grumpy when I wear that shirt, because it's just so ridiculous! LOL! I dig it out when I need to laugh at myself - which really makes a huge difference! http://www.amitymama.com/images/icons/smile.gif
Currently, my dd is reciting "Ut oh" over and over, which means I should check on her. Hope you find some help here, and know that you're not alone in wanting to find a different way.
Hugs!
<font color=purple>PEACE!</font color=purple>
<font color=blue>~Amy ~ President, Ava Marie Fan Club ~</font color=blue>
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
No advice here as I need to know the same thing. I come from a long line of spankers and never wanted to do it myself as I was "spanked" until I was black and blue up and down my entire back/neck/legs (step-father did it because i wouldnt cry--so he was going to make me cry). So i really try to keep a lid on my anger because i know that i have the potential to go too far. It is really hard to do. So I will be watching this post to get ideas too. Hugs.
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
I know *exactly* what you are talking about. I was raised in a spanking and hitting/abusive home. I even had a Coke bottle thrown at me once (umm..that was back in the days of glass Coke bottles). Needless to say, I have had a hard time as an adult learning how to control my anger and have taken it out on my oldest dd at times, in the form of spanking. My dh and I no longer spank and I am against it now for two reasons--given our background, it is just not an option for us. We were raised in similar homes and have a hard time curbing our temper and it is easy to get out of control with "just a little swat" to "a good spanking"--I mean, do we really know how hard we are spanking when we are angry? Second reason...I would never want my dh to spank me if I did something wrong. I would want him to sit down and talk with me and treat me with respect and dignity. Yes, kids are different than adults and need more guidance, but they also deserve to be respected.
With that said, here is what helped me. My dh and I sat down and decided NO MORE SPANKING!!! Really...sounds funny, but we had to decide that, say it out loud, and hold each other to it. We had only been spanking like 1x a week or whatever, but still...knowing that it was an option did not help me with anger control, KWIM? I can seriously tell a change in *me* now that we have found new ways to discipline our children. It forces me to slow down and settle down. Just make it so that spanking is no longer an option. Make a list on the fridge of things you can do--redirect, sit & talk, hungry? bored? etc...and go to the fridge when you're angry.
Here's the other thing that has hit me hard--seeing my 5 yo act like I do when I get upset. Wow, that is an eye opener!!!! I never swear or anything like that, but that tone of voice I can get! When she did it one time, I knew I had to be much more careful with the way I talked. Think first about how you want your little one to talk--what do you want to teach her? How do you want her to talk to others? And then model that for her.
I understand the anger and urge to spank. I really do. That urge does not make you a bad mother, IMO. In fact, by you coming here asking for advice shows that you feel in your heart something is wrong with spanking and you are sincerely looking for help. There are a ton of good books out there--please check out the others posts. I suggest The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears as a good starting point.
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
Both my parents spanked & hit me as a child - it really is hard to make this switch when you don't have anything else to take its place, and even when you *do* have other ideas, the urge to hit can be very strong.
My suggestion - give yourself a time-out. Go into another room (run if you have to!) and shut the door and count to 10 slowly. You can tell your child that you're taking a time-out because you're angry and want to calm down a bit. I can't tell you how many time-outs I took when my dd was littler and I was trying not to strike her. The good news is - there is only one time in her life that I struck her & I apologized for it - AND I have been using gentler discipline for long enough that I don't even feel the urge to spank any more! You can do it! You can break that cycle! And don't be afraid to apologize to your DD, either, in a calmer moment, if you lapse. You could even ask for her help in reminding you of the rules - no hitting, period.
"If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however, if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that" Goethe
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
Whenever I feel the urge to spank, I just remember how * I * felt when I was spanked as a child. I hated it. I still remember it and I don't have a close relationship with my father because of it. I walk away and try to calm down. Sometimes I will just send my dd to time out in her room. Sometimes I just scream (AAAAAAAAHHHHHH) and then it seems funny because I am screaming. DD thinks it is funny, too.
<font color=blue> Ashley </font color=blue>
<font color=purple> SAHM to two beautiful daughters </font color=purple>
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
You are so NOT alone! I fight the urge to spank often, I have not followed through but dd has just approached toddlerhood and I often fear I will lash out. I have no advice for you mama, just ((((hugs))), and I totally respect your openness to discuss your struggle!
love&peace,
Heidi
wife to Tony since 5/24/97 & AP wahm to Olivia since 11/2/00
<font color=red>If you are looking for quality, educational, non-violent toys for a child you love OR if you are looking for a way to supplement your family income while being home with your babes, then ask me about DISCOVERY TOYS!<font color=red>
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
Man, once yo ugo down that road it's hard to turn back! When you switch to gentle disc. it gets worse before it gets better, they're pushing new limits! Nobody ever told me that and it wasn't a ? I could ask here before.....
123 Magic has been our transitional tool, we spend less time struggling adn angry and that's improved our relationship so much! I"m now finding I can implement more and more positive gently ideas since things have calmed down. I hate barking 1-2-3 at them and i'm doing it less and less, it's been 3 months since we spanked.
I"m happy for you that you can se where the problem is and ask for help, I think a huge percentege of parents who spank are coming from the same place, we need to be able to speak freely to help ourselves and our families!
[b]<font color=green>Amelia</font color=green>
Mama to [b]<font color=purple>Olivia 3.5 <font color=black>and<font color=blue> Michael 2
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
Yes, when I was first separated from their father, I had no one else around except people who kept telling me to spank my children. This frustrated me to the point where I actually did start spanking! Getting away from it was hard. everyday I would wake up and promise myself that I would not hit my children and every night i went to bed disappointed. Finally, one day I sat the children down and I said no more spanking. I made a resolution to use gentle discipline. There were a lot of mommy time outs. But we worked through it. You can do it too. We have had our slip ups but I always realize I have to start from scratch all over and ALWAYS ask for my children's forgiveness. This too shall pass.
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
I just wanted to thank everyone for your posts. I've noticed that the only time I spank is when I'm fuming. I never spank when I'm in a rational, non-angry frame of mind. So I guess the thing I really have to focus on is getting the anger under control. I've always had a temper and hit my poor siblings often. It will be a struggle but I won't give up. Thanks for the suggestions. I think giving myself a time out and telling my 3 year old that that is what I am doing , and even explaining that I'm doing it so I won't get mad and hit her, will be a good thing for her to see and learn. Spanking makes no sense. It only works in the moment and ends up teaching kids that it is ok to hit. My 3 yr old dd has actually hit me several times! Yikes! I am just going to keep working at it. My husband is the type who just follows along with what I do. If he sees me spank, then he ends up spanking more too. But if we talk about how spanking is useless, he will do really well. Sometimes I wish I could change my behavior as quickly as he does. Anyway, thanks again! Any more suggestions for handling anger with children will be much appriciated!
Miranda
Mommy to Jane (3), Conner (1 1/2), and ???(due June 9th)
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
Re: I need some serious help in overcoming my urge to spank
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