amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

waterlily · 01-05-2003, 10:22 AM

Mamas, I wrote this because I love this place so much...please take the time to read and digest it before you respond...

When stepping away from the computer isn’t enough…

Sometimes a membership has to take thing into its own hands. Sometimes moderation can only accomplish so much, and a membership has to take responsibility for the atmosphere of its own dwelling. That is what this essay is about.

As has been the case at other parenting message boards and boards at large, there are peace disturbances. Sometimes it feels like a place is targeted by those who would disturb an otherwise supportive and peaceful place. Sometimes we feel like victims of those abusers. We decide to close what has been open, retreat into ourselves, not share our lives and our passions to avoid being ridiculed. But we don’t have to.

What I am proposing is some ways to empower the peace loving community to protect our home on the web. Some ways are more passive and others active. Perhaps with an effort from everyone we can make a difference. Although I emphatically advocate stepping away from your computer before posting emotionally, we are all human and it’s hard to hold your tongue sometimes. We all know that disturbers of the peace aren’t looking to be changed, they are looking for attention. Although explanations of why you disagree with them may seem to be a good idea, they aren’t usually effective. Maybe if you take a look below you can find something else to say that won’t fan the flames.

If you like what I have to say and agree that you will try to use some of these suggestions, do your part to keep the peace here at Amity’s, then please sign your name below in the form of a reply. If you have criticisms of what I have to say I am more than willing to hear you. You may pm me or start your own thread to discuss, but I respectfully ask that we kept his thread intact as a document of positive intent along with its supporters. Also please keep in mind that I am acting as an individual with the help and suggestions of a few other members. I in no way represent Amity or Amitymama or seek to replace the Discussion Forum Guidelines or User Agreement.

Option One and the most important:
Exercise your right to ignore
You have an ignore function here at AW. If there is a particular poster that always gets your goat, that you always feel compelled to respond to in an unconstructive manner, thereby threatening the peace here at AW, you may consider putting that poster on ignore. This is a very personal decision and difficult as it means you may be missing what “everyone” seems to be talking about. From the experience of mamas who have done this it makes visiting AW much more enjoyable. Try it.
PRO: Ignoring someone who is trying to cause trouble takes the fuel out of their fire, as what they really crave is attention.
CON: This takes a whole lot of self discipline.

Option Two:
Identify the troll
Guess what. A troll isn’t really a person as much as it is an action. Visualize trolling, trailing a fishing line from the end of your boat as you continue along your merry way, hoping for the fish to follow the bait. Yes, that’s right, we are the bait. But you know what? Anyone can be a troll. If you start a post or answer a post unconstructively you are trolling. If you are bringing up something that has been hashed out over and over again and no one cares to discuss it anymore you are trolling. And we reserve the right to call you on it. If you see a troll and just can’t ignore it, consider replying with simply the word “troll” in the subject line. If you have to say something else about it, say why you consider the post a troll. Keep in mind that by responding to a troll you may be trolling, yourself.
PRO: Alerts other members, as well as the poster, that you don’t appreciate their attempt to stir up trouble.
CON: It does draw attention to the troll, as well as keep the post bumped, when it would probably better off be buried. But, if you have to say something it’s better than responding emotionally.

Option Three:
PLONK
To quote another member, “Are you familiar with the term "*PLONK*" in usenet speak… The original meaning of "plonk" was "the sound a newbie makes as he hits the bottom of the killfile." (A usenet killfile is equivalent to completely ignoring someone's posts from that point on).”

I feel that if we exercise this option we should all be prepared to ignore the post, thereafter. No discussing why, no arguing over the posts meaning or intent, no slipping in that last word. It is most effective if used in the subject line with no message text. It is, in effect, a shunning and therefore should be used very sparingly, when it seems we have no more options.
PRO: This is the ultimate statement to a poster that you will not honor what they have to say. It should be used with discretion because it is a powerful statement.
CON: Again, it bumps the post back up and does indirectly give the poster attention.

Option Four:
Humor and kindness
As simple as this sounds, it is very effective. Sometimes when you feel the urge to hash it out with a poster you disagree with or feel is talking out their rear, what they really need is tlc. Try to find the good in what they have said. Try to be incredibly helpful. Sticky sweet, even. This reminds me of the movie “Point of No Return“ when Maggie is taking lessons in grace and her instructor says, “just smile a little smile and say something offhand like, ‘I never did mind about the little things.”’ If you just can’t bear to do that, make a joke. A joke always diffuses difficult situations. One of my favorite scenes in the movie “Moonstruck” is when the whole family is seated around the table waiting for Loretta’s soon to be ex-fiance to come in and the grandfather says, “somebody tell a joke!” This works really well with the occasional off day for someone who is normally positive. “Oh my goodness, wherever did so-and-so go, someone has taken over her username and just gone crackerdog!” (James Herriot reference, sorry). Here’s another one, “Oh! It looks like so-and-so is back looking for more attention. Snuggles, rainbows and sunshine to you dear! Do you feel better?” OR, “anyone care to help me put out this fire? Add your water buckets below….splash!”

PRO: lots
CONS: not much

Option Five:
Liberal use of the rating system here
We do have a rating system, have you seen it? You have the option to rate the value of a post! If you see a particularly useful post feel free to rate it highly. If you think it stinks, rate it low. Feel free to post about why you rated it as such.

PRO: gives credit where credit is due, and gives constructive criticism when needed. It also gives a way for someone of a non-confrontational nature to give input.
CON: I don’t see much in the way of cons here.

And last but not least….

Option Six:
Responsible Posting

Set an example to your fellow mamas by being a responsible poster. Responsible posting means you:
Stay on topic
Offer constructive comments and support
Limit your post size, snip your quotes and use other netiquette
Refrain from feeding trolls
Apologize and move on if you’ve been less than helpful, delete or edit your offending post
I’m sure there’s more

All pros here.

Thanks for reading mamas. I feel that if we can come together as a community to keep Amitymama a peaceful place we will all enjoy ourselves more when we visit.