"Just b/c it's true, doesn't mean you need to say it."
This is what I've been teaching my 8 yo ds. He's been intent on some truth-telling of late, at the expense of others. For example, a sibling may show him a picture and ask "what do you think?" and he will say "well, I think it's ugly." Not trying to be mean, just trying to be honest. So I have been training him that he doesn't need to go forth throughout our house proclaiming truth in all it's glory. In essence, I've been teaching him tact.
I find in my life that there are times when I feel compelled (I would even use the spiritual term "inspired") to do some truth-telling.. perhaps calling someone in my family, or a friend, on something that concerns me. It's rare however, as I try to respect basic boundaries of free choice.
I have a friend who whines about $$ all the time. Yet her choices w/money really bother me. She has a hard time being frugal. I struggle with biting my tongue a lot.
I do try to share my knowledge of money, and help when I am asked. And in shutting my darn mouth up, I've found some new "truths" to the situation that I may have been too prideful to otherwise see. I can see more clearly why she is where she is on her "money path" and that she is progressing, in her own time. And lest I really become full of myself, she has about 10 up on me in the patience department. And ya know what? She has never once called me out on my yelling. Does that mean we're idiots and enabling each other in bad money habits and screaming at children? No, it means we're adults who don't need extra "parents," and who love and support one another in growth.
People really can grow in life w/out others feeling it's their "duty" to give them a written list of what they are doing wrong.
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Mary
mama to 5 children, 2 step-children; and wife to a fabulous man!
Thanks, Mary!
I have a very good friend who compliments me as well. We learn from each other...at least, I learn from her. I hope she learns from me...LOL.
It's wonderful to be surrounded by people who inspire you through action and not just through words.
You know what I've learned? I had a very best friend in grade school (still a friend!). I would often try to tell her how to "solve" her problems because I had figured everything out. I was a clever, sensible young person, and I felt it was my *duty* to help her change her ways (lol I was a little big in the head back then!).
Then, at some later date, she would figure out the solution herself, often without even remembering that I had discussed my opinion.
I guess what I'm saying is this: people cannot change, learn new things by others telling them what to do. We *all* need to figure things out for ourselves.
I know that I'm just learning now....20 years later---some of the "lessons" about life that my friend tried to teach *me* back then.
I also know that I can get very defensive if someone close to me is critical of my actions, my choices. And when I'm defensive, I dig in my heels and don't change. I'm far more likely to look at my actions and consider change when I'm approached by someone I trust, someone who comes to me without judgement.
A bit off topic.
But I truly agree, Mary, that half of knowledge, of kindness....is knowing what *not* to say and when not to say it.
(I know we're teaching our children to never make any negative comments about any food that is put in front of them. A simple "no thank you" is fine if they don't want to eat something.)
Mary,
What an awesome post. I have c&p'ed it to dh, I hope that's ok!
((HUGS))
Jessica
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Mama to *3* boys Isaac, Gabriel, Jack, and Hannah, the long-awaited one, born into water and her Daddy's hands on 4/30/2005!
Sometimes life can be so surprising!
Re: "Just b/c it's true, doesn't mean you need to say it."
Quote:
Originally posted by hadalamb
I find in my life that there are times when I feel compelled (I would even use the spiritual term "inspired") to do some truth-telling.. perhaps calling someone in my family, or a friend, on something that concerns me. It's rare however, as I try to respect basic boundaries of free choice.
I have a friend who whines about $$ all the time. Yet her choices w/money really bother me. She has a hard time being frugal. I struggle with biting my tongue a lot.
People really can grow in life w/out others feeling it's their "duty" to give them a written list of what they are doing wrong.
Oh this thread is so timely. I have been struggling with this lately, too, because it is very hard to be an overly instinctive "no BS" type of person and try not to say what you are thinking, even if it is the honest-to-goodness truth. I have learned that some truths are not worth telling, even if they might help...they could also be turned back around at you and become the cause for resentment. The way I figure it even if they DON'T figure it out on their own, that has to be just under the category of "NOT MY PROBLEM"...kwim? LOL
A LOT of people come to me with problems, troubles, or just to talk and I am often asked for advice on things from friends. Maybe it's because I am a very open person, I don't know. It's not anything I mind, but I will mention something I am thinking in that situation because if you ask my advice, be ready for it! LOL
"Just because it's in your head it does not need to come out of your mouth. Put on a filter."
It works well for us!
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~Meg~ teacher, podcaster, but mostly sahm to my trio of little women (4, 6, 16)wife to Mr Big and dog-ma to Indy the crazy miniature golden retriever
Once upon a time, I, too, thought I had the answer to every question and felt obligated to share these with everyone else. Then I had children and they showed me that the lectures tend to go in one ear and out the other, and that the best friends, mothers, etc. lead by example. I have found that I learn and grow so much by following the good examples set by others and I hope that they see the good things that I do.
And having children serves as a constant reminder to me that I'm not really as "together" as I thought I was and that everyone makes mistakes and hopefully, we'll all grow from them.
Location: Paradise. No, really, I live in Paradise, PA.
Posts: 2,251
This is an excellent thread and I'm glad you posted it. I have some friend who is making some seriously bad decisions and I've listened, sympathized and given advice when asked. None of it has made a wit of difference. She tells me that my advice is great and then goes and does something else. I have been struggling hard with wanting to lay down The Truth on her, but I know it wouldn't do a darned thing and it would be pretty arrogant of me to assume I've cornered the market on Truth.
Thanks for the timely reminder.
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Elise
Wife to Duane
Mama to Jonah (6) and Ruth (4) and Benjamin (2)
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