amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

~Meeshi~ · 05-24-2002, 07:54 PM

And if so, just how do you go about it??

Whether it be racial, religious, etc....

There's been so many times I've been slammed about my spirituality... So many times I've seen and heard nasty reactions to J's appearance (dreadlocks and beard etc)... I honestly can't count the number of times people have snickered and openly ridiculed J *in front of their children, no less*!!!

I want to raise Nico and Kaya to be as tolerant and open of others as I can....

How do I go about it??

Just looking for a little feedback, I guess.....

Thanks, Mamas!

JennyC · 05-24-2002, 08:16 PM

Sure.
We don't have a plan about it..but we're very tolerant people by nature...so it's just sort of natural.
We certainly don't talk down to other people or make negative comments about them...and I guess when we see people doing things differently from how we do them - i.e. people eating meat at a restaurant - if Eli asks, we say, "Well, different people make different choices for different reasons." and leave it that.
I think there's a website www.teachingtolerance.org that might have more info. for you.

byumommy · 05-24-2002, 08:23 PM

My Boys are still very young, but their being tolerant is extremely important to me. Unfortunately my parents are very INtolerant & prejudice. They know very little about my boyfriend (my dad doesn't even know he exists) because I know they are going to freak (I am caucasian christian, he is arab muslim).

I show my Boys by example. I talk to everyone regardless of appearance, etc. I never point out people's differences, just treat them all the same.

This is truly important to me not only because it is the right thing to do, but because one day my blond-headed, fair-skinned, blue-eyed boys will have ½ arab siblings. Not to mention an arab step-father. And our house will be both islamic & christian.

~Meeshi~ · 05-24-2002, 08:35 PM

Thank you for that site, Jenny!!

We had a problem for a while with Nico staring at people. Though it's not exactly intolerance, it can be very uncomfortable for the stare-ee... We've been there, you know? Like when we saw a man in the grocery store with an amputated leg, he was in a wheelchair. After asking her three times not to stare, J told her "If you are curious, at least smile and say hello!" She did, and the man stopped and talked with us for a little bit... He was really nice. And the next time we saw someone in a wheelchair, instead of just staring, Nico flashed a big smile.

We are tolerant by nature as well, but it's hard where we live... It's pretty darn *white* out here....

That's the one thing that I don't like about being way out in the country. It's not very multi-cultural at all....

ChristinaMarie · 05-24-2002, 09:00 PM

Not that this answers your question at all but.... I have such a pet peeve with calling it tolerance or tolerating.

Here is the dictionary definition (I snipped for relevance and brevity!):
Main Entry: tol·er·ance

2 a : sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own b : the act of allowing something : TOLERATION
3 : the allowable deviation from a standard; especially : the range of variation permitted in maintaining a specified dimension in machining a piece

To me this means that you would be teaching your child that they are allowing for someone elses beliefs that deviate from your standards, not exactly what I think you are trying to say?

Now back to your question......
I teach my children that we are not always right and we do not know everything about everything. Basically that we are not superior to others. (or inferior!LOL) Instead of tolerating others beliefs as compared to our standards I just teach them that each family has different standards and that is very ok and personal.
Our religious beliefs teach that we are to go out and share the good news of Christ. I don't ever take this to mean persecuting those who do not believe or telling them they are wrong, just to share my joy! I share the story and God takes care of souls....
Does any of this rant make sense?
Christina

Penguinlady · 05-24-2002, 09:02 PM

ChristinaMarie · 05-24-2002, 09:03 PM

Oh, I like that much better! Thanks! I couldn't come up with a good alternative! (preggo brain)

Startingover · 05-24-2002, 09:07 PM

Children are naturally tolerant. Fill a room with 2 year olds and they don't care what race, religion, or disability any of the other kids are they just play. Children are unfortunetly taught to be distrustful of other races to look down on other religions and how well that lesson is taught will determine how intolarant they will be as adults.
Your actions and reactions (both spoken and unspoken)are a HUGE influence on your children's tolarance of others.
But don't feel bad if your child stares or another child stares at you it is a opportunity to learn and a extremely natural thing for a child to do. The first time my son saw a black person (not brown but jet black) he was 3 and he wanted to know if she had been burned. She looked at me with disgust and I had to explain that we did not watch t.v. and lived in the country. Then asked if she would allow my son to touch her skin and hair? The whole time explaining to my son that each person is born different...ect.. ect.

Umm...confession time...I'm sorta prejudice against men with long hair...lol... I look at a guy with long hair and automatically think...BOY. I was a military brat, an active duty soldier for 6 years and now I'm married to a soldier. So to me only boys have long hair all the men around me have short hair. Sorry silly but just a automatic reaction for me.

Regina

maryhannahkali · 05-24-2002, 09:19 PM

Hmmmm......great question.

I don't think tolerance is taught. I think INtolerance is taught. The majority of my family is very prejudice. This was something that was passed down generation to generation. Children are very tolerant; they don't care who/what a person is, as long as they will play with them!!!

I remember my oldest dd telling me something one day when she was about 8 or 9. I had to pick her up afterschool one day and she wanted me to meet a friend of hers. I asked he what she looked like so I could find her amongst all of the other kids coming out of school. She said 'well, she's about my height with long hair. She pretty much looks like me.' Well, she was right, Mary's height, long hair, and very, very dark. Funny how kids don't notice these things!!

Now, all this coming from me - a person raised in an all-white town with a prejudiced family. Now married to the best man in the world and with a very culturally diverse family!!! Sometimes, you realize what your taught is wrong.

ElDucko · 05-24-2002, 10:11 PM

I don't know if I teach it so much as try to live it ya know? We see lots of different people around and stuff. Charlie has a tendancy to blurt things so we do a lot of 'we don't say people are fat, it makes them sad' at home. She is only four [almost!] and I'm not sure how much she's taking in. If she makes a comment or asks a question then I will certianly step in if I know, or tell her 'why don't you ask' which almost always works out. I haven't had anyone get really po'ed at that approach yet, I think they can tell she just doesn't know. I'm hoping that between me and my husband we'll have really openminded kids. We're really different people who learn from each other. I think a lot of this is my anthro degree, I can't help it! When I first learned about the field I felt like I'd come home in a way, it's all about not judging people by your own rules. You have to learn thier system and why they are doing things they way they are, etc.

I hope that helps! Sometimes I just confuse

jessica

Mama2HoneyBears · 05-24-2002, 11:14 PM

We do---for living in South Dakota our neighborhood is very racially, ethnically, religious diverse which makes our jobs easier cause the differences are no big deal to my 5 and 2 yr old. We talk about differences alot and that differences are ok. Makeslife more interesting, etc. We talk about choices too like another mama mentioned .

saffronne · 05-25-2002, 12:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by MeeshiMama
Thank you for that site, Jenny!!

We had a problem for a while with Nico staring at people. Though it's not exactly intolerance, it can be very uncomfortable for the stare-ee... We've been there, you know? Like when we saw a man in the grocery store with an amputated leg, he was in a wheelchair. After asking her three times not to stare, J told her "If you are curious, at least smile and say hello!" She did, and the man stopped and talked with us for a little bit... He was really nice. And the next time we saw someone in a wheelchair, instead of just staring, Nico flashed a big smile.

When things like this happen- and they do to everyone- we are always as matter of fact about it and explain it clearly without trying to put a spin on it. For instance, one of the women who works at a local health food store is fully veiled- only her eyes show. Maggie, my 4 year old, walked right up to her, looked carefully for a moment, and then turned to me and asked "what is that lady wearing?" I made eye contact with the lady in question, smiled, and told Maggie it was a very special kind of hat. Maggie asked why she was wearing it and I told her it was because it made the lady happy. This was enough for Maggie, and the lady behind the counter thought it was all pretty cute.

She's asked (loudly) in stores why that person is in a wheelchair, etc, and usually (after making some sort of friendly eye contact with the person in question) I'll explain that the chair helps them to get around, etc. This usually suffices. If it doesn't I then ask Maggie is she wants to talk to the person- she usually doesn't. But she will flash them a smile and take it for granted that people who are different exist and that it's no big deal. There's always a reason- even if you have to look a little harder. I haven't had to deal with any questions about race yet, Maggie is just very accepting that different people look different from each other. I imagine that, if asked why so-and-so looks dark, or has different eyes or hair, I'll just explain that there need to be many kinds of beauty in the world or it'll get dull. Or something along those lines- make it up as I go along.

Sometimes I think we adults read more into a simple question or curiosity than there needs to be, and we should keep that in mind when thinking about what a kid is saying/doing/thinking. Like when Maggie says, "That person looks like so and so" and it just so happens that the people being comapred are dark skinned, it doesn't mean she's taking notice of race. I've paid close attention and she does these sort of comparisons all the time- that person looks like daddy, like Uncle Jeremy, etc. So sometimes making it into A Conversation About Tolerance can demonstrate that there are Differences To Be Aware Of, instead of just being matter of fact about it and not calling attention to it beyond a simple and straightforward explanation. In my opinion kids are basically born tolerant- if curious- and have to learn intolerance from others.

Boy, I've really rambled on now.....

Hope this helps.

saffronne · 05-25-2002, 12:54 AM

Along this vein, with kids asking/staring at unusual items of clothing or wheelchairs or what have you....

We were at a restaraunt a few months back, getting ready to be seated for breakfast. An African-American couple walked in. The husband/boyfriend had one one of those cloth-type head coverings. Someone told me they're called Do-rags? I have no clue, but I hope you know what I'm talking about. They come in and sit down in the waiting area. Maggie looks at him hard for a second, turns to me (I'm bracing for it at this point) and says loudly-and pointing- "Mommy, is that man a pirate?" His wife/girlfriend just cracked up and laughed till I thought she'd pass out. I tried to explain that he wasn't a pirate, he was just wearing a different kind of hat. The poor guy is standing there, caught between indignation and gut busting laughter when Maggie says "Well, I guess you're right about him not being a pirate. He doesn't have a parrot." His companion managed to keep her amusement down to a snicker but this clearly caught her imagination and she just giggled and chuckled till they were seated 5 minutes later. I tried to catch the man's eye and say sorry but I think he was trying to be aloof to the whole thing- I caught his friend's eye and said sorry to her but she was so amused I don't think she cared.

Just one of those kid things...

PosieMama · 05-25-2002, 09:13 AM

I teach by example.LOL that is I guess why my girls say "O man" a lot.LOL and a few other choice phrases.LOL

No seriously though I beleive that is the only way they will learn to be truly accepting and to care about others just because they are people.YK all the outer noise aside we are all the same inside, that is what I try to get across to them.

We to have had the occasional akward ?'s come up.YK you are in the grocery checkout line and the 4 year old says "Hey mom.....you fill in the blank with whatever embarassing phrase that comes to mind." I am trying to get my girls to understand that if they are curious about why someone has a broken leg, purple hair or even a piercing that is different to them, to ask the person about it. I know some people would be uncomfortable with that but I truly think that curiosity is a healthy thing and that it is better for a child to ask than stand and stare without getting thier ?'s answered.That is of course if the situation seems appropriate.YKWIM? Knowledge about "others" is a good thing IMO. I have found that most people will welcome a ? from a child. I mean who could get mad at a little child if they asked them if they were a pirate? To me that is such sweet genuine curiosity. Of course there are some people out there who are very intolerant of children and that can be a teaching moment too.

Okay this may sound dumb to some people but I was in one of our Trader Joe's stores and the check out gal had pierced cheeks and those gromets in her ears.Okay I was dying to know how bad that hurt to have done. I asked her because I knew she had to "feel" I was looking, I mean I could feel that others were looking at her. YKWIM? She was totally cool about telling me about it.
True acceptance and tolerance I think comes from having an open mind, a true love of humanity and a willingness to learn something new about some one else with out making a judgement call. If WE do that our children will learn to do it too.

J3 · 05-25-2002, 09:32 AM

I do try....but sometimes come up short, but I'm trying my best. Ellen wants to know why a woman wears a headcovering (Musilim) and I couldn't think of anything on the spot so I just told her that in her church that is what women do. Next time I will tell her because it makes her happy (copied from here!thank you!) She's also loudly asked why some people have a dot on their forehead. She is also very curious about wheelchairs and how people got to be in wheelchairs. She wants to ask the person if s/he was in an accident or born that way. My baby is sometimes afraid of or curious about African American people only because she isn't around them except for stores and appointments. She's just shy in general but I'm helping her to realize we're all people just in different skin.
I hate to admit this but my inlaws are very racist, classist, and regionalist. I'm embarrasssed, sad and angry. When they talk about racial things I try to distract dd's, talk over them, or leave the scene, change the subject. They also resent their ds married me, who is a "yankee" and not southern born. They resent people born in north or those from north of Mason Dixon line -I'm totally serious- they are still fighting the civil war...not so much from fil's side (dh likes to tell me that Key West was Union) but from mil's side. Also classist in that they pretend to be old money when in reality just barely getting by and making bills.
Sexual preference differences: I try to teach my children that these people are just people, no better or worse than the way we do things, just different. I have no problems with gays and my children seeing them holding hands, hugging or kissing. I would have problems with people, whether gay or straight doing sexual things that are not appropriate for public behavior in front of my kids.
This country was founded on freedoms, so I want them to know that we are all free to do what makes us happy as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, and that we should respect others who may be different.