amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

elfmaker · 12-08-2003, 12:16 AM

i know this is a new relationship for you and i can see you are so excited. the other mamas have given some great advice so i will jsut add a few things to think about:

how is blending families going to be? his ex? your ex? soemtimes all that bagage can get too heavy to carry. make sure it you are both going in with your eyes wide open on this one. btdt.

follow you intuition!! if something doesn't seem right--its not!!!

are there any red flags?? heed them!!!!

good luck!! what an exciting time.

my dh and i went a bit unconventional way- and he and i are great together--not perfect!! but we always work things out.

luna

bunnymom22405 · 12-08-2003, 12:35 AM

Some great advice so far!!

I will add that I waited & was what some of my friends called "too picky" about whom I was to marry. But the end result on that advice... most of my friends are now divorced, I got to marry my best friend, and two of the others I could have married make me totally sick now when I see them!

DH and I were best friends first & foremost... we hung out together & did things with others in our little group as well as together. When DH finally decided that I was "the one," we were on our way to see a movie & he pulled out some roses & told me that I was his best friend but he wanted more out of the relationship & he wanted to move forward. Shortly after that, he ended up proposing while I was washing dishes at his place after supper (totally romantic timing, huh!

)

I always tell people that the most important thing to remember is that you have to actually LIKE the person you're marrying because some days you don't wear those loving rose-colored glasses! Huge difference between LIKE and LOVE on those days... LOL

joyfuljourneys · 12-08-2003, 12:36 AM

You can graciously and sincerely say you are sorry without even feeling you were wrong.

Treat him with honor and respect, always.

Give him 5 compliments a day,,I promise they come back to you.

Say thankyou for what he does for you, even if at times it doesn't seem enough, or as much as he should..

I hve more,,and may come back later to this. My toddler is desperate for me@

superman · 12-08-2003, 01:04 AM

I agree with a lot of what has been said already.

Starting from the beginning.... Before you ever get into a lifelong relationship, you need to experience being totally happy, independent, and satisfied just being by yourself. It's harder with kids, I'm sure, but in some ways it probably makes you stronger, because you've had to care for them and yourself as well.

Next, my big thing is shared values. If you're starting from a place of agreement on what's most important to you, then you can feel free and safe to grow and change together and not feel threatened by changes in the other person. Arguments will be about relatively small matters, not undermining the foundations of your relationship.

And ITA about the wedding thing, too. Tim and I hadn't planned on getting married, just staying together without that "piece of paper". But a few weeks before we were to move to Ohio together, we decided to do it. We planned and executed our wedding in less than two weeks. It was small and simple. There were 12 guests and it was at a small chapel at a navy base here (my dad was in the navy [my mom, too] so he arranged it). It was even a Catholic wedding, which is usually impossible on such short notice, because they want you to do the 9-month "pre-Cana" preparation, but the Navy priest cut us some slack. Anyway, my point is just that we had a beautiful, ideal (for us) wedding on a very small budget with very little lead time and almost no stress, so it IS possible and very nice to do that way!

Good luck! Follow you heart, but check with your head.

norasmama · 12-08-2003, 01:24 AM

First, I agree that men do not read minds. That's why they call it "women's intuition." If you want him to do or say something, ask him to. Of course, avoid nagging -- that does nothing to motivate.

Secondly, don't keep score. Don't let yourself think "I washed my dish after dinner, and he just left his on the table," or "I listened to him complain about my job, but he watched tv when I wanted to vent." If it is something that bothers you, nip it in the bud. If it doesn't bother you enough to say something about it right away, let it go. It is not fair to either of you to let things fester in your head, and then add them to all the other "stuff," usually coming out in an argument about something completely different.

And as for cohabitation, I don't think it works. Keep your own homes until you are TRULY ready to make the real commitment. Especially with blending families, you need the "real thing" and shacking up just doesn't cut it.

Hope you & Cameron have many happy years together.

Wiggles12 · 12-08-2003, 01:52 AM

It's hard work. Nobody every told me it was hard work to stay married. It's hard work to learn how to manage money and to discuss it without somebody freaking out. I'm sorry I don't have any advise, other than it's not a joke, it's not always fun, but if you work at it, it's the most rewarding thing outside of raising children you can do in life.