amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Cuddlemama · 04-11-2002, 01:09 PM

and I'm not feeling guilt about it.

On the heels of the guilty moms thread, I started questioning my own parenting. This is something I don't do often, because I've learned that I deal better with life if I'm not full of self-doubt.

I think I parent much in the same way that I believe. I'm pagan, but have definate Taoist leanings, when it comes to the general philosophy of life.

When Emily was born, I was a militant AP mother. I wore her constantly, I nursed on demand (generally around the clock), her every whim and whimper were my world's focus. I was determined to meet her every need before she even KNEW she needed it, ya know? It was working for her, but it was KILLING me. I became withdrawn, self-conscious of my mothering because I thought I had ruined her if she cried at all, and full of stress from the lack of sleep and time to concentrate on my own psychological wellbeing.

I cracked under the pressure. When she was about 16 months old, I woke up one morning knowing that I COULDN'T do this anymore. I was newly pregnant as well, and knew that I could never offer myself THIS fully to two children at the same time.

So, I left Emily with her dad for a full 24 hours while I took a break BY MYSELF and tried to figure out what my responsibilities as a parent truly are and how I could best fulfill them.

And here is what I realized:

I am responsible, at this point, for Emily's physical wellbeing. I MUST offer her a place to rest, nutritious food to eat, a chance to exercise her growing body and growing mind, and an environment safe from dangers (both human and mechanical).

I am responsible for Emily's spiritual wellbeing. I MUST expose her to issues of faith, morality, and personal accountability. I must demonstrate, through MY OWN EXAMPLE, tolerance and justice and love without condition.

Those are my responsibilites as her mother. I am NOT responsible for filling her every minute with pleasure. I am not responsible for maintaining her "perfect" mood in her "perfect" world. In fact, by trying to do so, I neglect my responsibilities.

I make sure that Emily has nutritious food and drink available to her at all times. But, I do not force Emily to eat anything at any time because my responsibility for her means that I have to teach her personal accountability. If I make her eat when she is not hungry, or refuse her food when she feels hungry, then I've created a situation in which she loses control of her body.

I make sure Emily has books, toys, and music available to her at all times. But I do not PLAY with Emily unless ~I~ feel like playing. I am here to facilitate her learning. I show her how things work (sometimes, other times I let her figure out things on her own...just to see what SHE thinks is the "right" way) and then leave her to discover on her own. It's sort of a Montessori based idea, I guess. I make sure that she has the materials, then I let her make her own way to them in her own time.

For the first 16 months of her life, Emily did not EVER sleep more than two hours in a row. She slept 5 hours out of each 24, and spent alot of of the day miserably being "played with" or fed or asked to nap, etc....

By 18 months, after I started giving her more control over her own life, she was a happier child. I had been stifling her independence by assuming she should be carried or held or played with constantly.

Now, she's 25 months old and she sleeps 8 hours per night in her own bed, in her own room. She wakes in the morning, takes her diaper off and goes potty in her potty chair, dresses herself in whatever suits her fancy and picks her morning meal from a selection of things I've left for her on her table.

She plays with toys or watches a video sometimes...generally making a major mess, but enjoying it tremendously. When she is ready, she comes to my room and lets me know that she's awake (of course, I know this because I keep a monitor on at all times...I may be a proponent of independence, but I'm not CRAZY!!) and that we can start our day.

During the day, Emily follows her own path and I follow mine. Right now, my path is to care for Nathaniel (who is AP'ed just like Emily was right now because he's still incapable of caring for himself, but will be given his independence as he grows older) constantly, and to work at my computer establishing both the diaper business and continuing my freelance writing career.

Emily's path runs parallell to mine, but not ON mine. She plays near me, but not with me. She explores the world at her own pace. I offer her interesting opportunities and she digs into them as she chooses. Today, for example, I filled her "office" with construction paper, small bowls of colored water, chalk, newspaper, paint brushes, and some dolls and books.

She's made a mess, of course, but it was worth what the cleanup will involve to see her smiling face when she ran in her with her newest discovery..."Mama, red water and blue water is purkle (purple) water."

And, it was worth even more knowing that SHE DID IT ON HER OWN!

Ok, now I'm done with my torrent of words. Mainly, I wrote this because I needed to reaffirm, to myself and the world, that I've chosen the path that is right for our family. But, also, I want to reassure all the moms who just can't constantly entertain their children that it IS OKAY....kids need a happy or relaxed mom way more than they need a "fun" one.

Leigh (whose daughter is now singing along with a bluegrass CD...fake hillbilly accent and all)

tara · 04-11-2002, 02:10 PM

I try to provide a rich environment for Sam, and make sure he has ample play opportunities, but I don't feel I need to play with him all the time. It's not difficult for me to do this, because he is okay with brief periods of independent play. He checks in with me to ask a question or share an observation.

However, I do spend at least part of the day (if possible) somewhere out of the house that is fun for him. This could be the playground, the library, a friend's house, a park, a museum, our open-air market, etc. Sam craves out-of-the-house stimulation. Our usual schedule is to do our outings and other high-stim stuff in the morning, and after his nap he plays around the house while I cook dinner and do other chores. I often observe him playing out some of the scenes he witnessed in the morning (like visiting our neighbor at his car repair garage, or stopping in at the bakery, or shopping for produce - Sam will fix his matchbox cars or pretend to make cookies or weigh produce).

I agree strongly that once a child can understand this, it is good for them to know that parents have jobs, be it in an office or not. Sam knows that there are things that I need to do (cook, clean, run errands, etc.) and that it is part of my job. Part of his job is to play! If he's needy for my attention and I need to get something else done, I get him started in the activity, play for a few minutes, and then do my chore - usually within eyesight so he and I can check with each other easily.

Your dd is so independent! Your description of her morning routine is so cool! Sam is much more dependent on me to help get him ready for the day.

Tara

Mama2littleman · 04-11-2002, 02:14 PM

That serves both yours and your childrens needs. I happen to agree with your choices. But that's only incidental.

Nikki

Mrsmissy · 04-11-2002, 02:16 PM

I am thoroughly intrigued by this. I feel like I kind of do the same with my kids. They have learned how to entertain themselves, yet I am there to help with learning when they ask. I try not to force learning, but rather through my guidance.

I'd love to learn more about this. I'm trying to make myself more assured that it's OK to be like this. I don't have to be playing with my kids in order for them to be learning, or for them to know that I love them................ Do you have any book or Web site recommendations?

Thank so much! Lovely post!

04-11-2002, 02:28 PM

I think that it's really important, too to feel good about the parenting choices that you are making. If something "feels" wrong, then change it or you won't be happy or able to live with yourself well.

I, too, teach my children our spiritual beliefs, they sleep (mostly) in their own beds (sometimes in mine), and they cry quite a bit. (not really, but it seems like they are usually upset about SOMETHING). I am not an incredibly strict disciplinarian, but I do lay down the law with some things and will allow them to be dissapointed and cry. But I always love them alot.

I carry my children when they need to be carried, I loved wearing my infants in the sling, but mostly they play by themselves or with each other. I don't really enjoy playing with them. Mostly I work beside them, doing gardening (which I love) when they are playing outside, dishes when they are playing in the sink, reading/folding laundry when they are watching a video/PBS, etc. I allow/encourage them to help me in everything. And I will play sometimes, but not all the time. (I build train tracks, make towers, let the doctor fix my pretend hurts, find the fires for the fireman to put out, and provide lots of artsy things to do)

I have chosen to post on Amity's even though I am not a traditional attachment parent because of the wonderful environment here and becasue of our commonalities in some things. I'm happy to know I'm not the only "different" one out there!

Becky

The cd, bf, sling wearing, loving mama

Mrsmissy · 04-12-2002, 07:23 PM

I'm bumping this because I'd like to find out more!!!!!! I'm still learning here (as a mom of an almost six year old). PLEASE!!!!!!

04-12-2002, 07:31 PM

What exactly is Emily's office? I am interested in how she plays unsupervised with colored water (and doesn't stain the rest of the house while she is at it). Also, what kinds of foods do you leave out for her breakfast? I would love to have a less hands on approach with my 28 month old but I don't understand the logistics of it. Does she crumble muffins all over the carpet (which is what my son would do) or is she just a naturally neat child?

Thanks for the feedback!
Cary

mum2sunshinegirl · 04-12-2002, 10:11 PM

Those are my responsibilites as her mother. I am NOT responsible for filling her every minute with pleasure. I am not responsible for maintaining her "perfect" mood in her "perfect" world. In fact, by trying to do so, I neglect my responsibilities

I loved the whole post, but those words in particular. I really feel more mainstream than most mamas here but more unconventional than alot of mamas IRL. Leigh, it sounds like our parenting styles are very similar.

Bronwyn · 04-12-2002, 10:15 PM

I made this shift too, when I got pg with #2.

There was no way I could do 200%.

Sometimes I feel guilty that my ds was not coddled like his big sister was, but hey that's what birth order is all about.

Thanks for spelling it out like that.

Cuddlemama · 04-13-2002, 12:59 AM

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond here. We spent the day trying to take advantage of what was FINALLY some decent weather.

Responses:

Tara--Sam is a cutie! Emily is, I think, by nature a very independent (some would say STUBBORN) kid. She takes care of herself mostly because she prefers to have things her own way. Guess she just doesn't like my style, already...~laugh~

Missy--I'm really just winging it here. Making it up as I go along. I don't have any book or website recommendations except maybe The Mother Trip by Ariel Gore (the founder of hipmama.com...may it rest in peace). I don't parent by any book because none of the authors has ever lived MY life with MY kids, ya know. I take suggestions from all over the place but I guess I do what could be called "instinctive" parenting.

Becky--I'll bet you're a GREAT Mom. And, yeah, you're different...we all are. Sometimes I think we struggle so hard to find a place to "fit in" that we forget how wonderful it is to be unique. So what if you don't parent like everyone else does. If you're raising healthy, well-adjusted children then you're parenting the right way...whether that is "AP" or not.

Cary--Emily's office is actually just a corner of our family room that we've set up to sort of mimic our adult office. It's a small chair and a red table that she uses as a desk (and a diving platform, and a stage when she wants to shake her booty, and a grand table when she's having a tea party, etc...ya get my drift), a set of yaffa blocks that we store her supplies in for the day, and one of those file-folder case things (sort of hard paper) with the different pockets. She likes having her own space downstairs as well as in her room. Of course, she spends about as much time on the table or under the table as she does sitting at the table.

Breakfast foods are generally things she can eat with her hands. Dry cereal (she's a big fan of generic cinnamon toast crunch), granola bar, apple slices, cheese toast, etc... We are also luck enough to have one of those teeny-tiny fridges left over from college dorm days. So, we can put things like the fruit and her juice and milk in there for her to get out when she needs it. That eliminates my need to run downstairs first thing in the morning for her drink!!!

Yeah, she's messy. But that was one of the sacrifices I made in order to keep myself in a better frame of mind. I also firmly believe that teaching her to clean UP her messes is another part of my responsibility. It's just one more step in teaching her personal responsibility. She's good friends right now with her pal the "Bust-Duster"....you know, the Dust Buster. She loves to suck up her crumbs!

Kelly--I couldn't think of a better person to share a parenting philosophy with. I'll bet we'll have even more in common when the new babe is born. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

Bronwyn (it's Amy in there, right? I keep forgetting if Bronwyn is your handle)-- I definately understand exactly what you mean by not being able to give 200%. It's hard being one person responsible for multiple lives. As for not coddling Nate the way I did Emily...yeah, I don't. But I don't feel guilty really, because I've learned that the coddling thing was ok at the time, but probably wasn't all that great in the long run. Don't get me wrong, Nate gets PLENTY of attention. I just don't try to fill his every waking moment with my presence.

Wooohhh...that's a long post. Good luck getting through it! I think I'm off to bed. Oh wait, I wanna post a pic of Em first in another thread. Got to show just exactly how silly and messy an "independent" girl can be.

Leigh

04-17-2002, 07:45 PM

I really enjoyed reading your words. you sound very content - not living in a realm of guilt and resentment b/c you've lost yourself along the way.

Daintre

Gypsylily · 04-17-2002, 08:04 PM

I need to get off the computer right now...but Leigh - that was so beautifully written and so RIGHT ON! I know exactly how you are feeling - although I have only one child.

You sound like a great mother and your daughter sounds like one very happy and lucky little girl!

Your kids are adorable!

RFamHere · 04-17-2002, 08:21 PM

Oh I'm glad this got bumped up so I could read it!!!

In a way I think what is described is in the AP field - you are attentive to the needs of you and your children. You are their for them, helping foster them into moral, independent, secure members of society.

Thank you for sharing. I know it might have taken some courage, not knowing how it would be received.

~Heidi~ · 04-17-2002, 09:15 PM

Fantastic mama...absolutely fantastic! This is how we parent (dh is still having troubles letting Branden be independent). Although Branden is still in our room...but he has always gone to bed alone (not when he was really little) and slept all night.

I feel that a child needs to learn responsibility...when does this happen?? It can't start too early, nor can it start too late. I am so happy that you posted this! You can't make your child's life perfect...soon they have to be able to make his/her own way...and they need to know how to do that.

04-17-2002, 09:26 PM

I've ALWAYS felt like an inadequate mother because I don't play with Justin 24/7. We cloth diapered, family bedded, baby wore, BF and more, until it was no longer working for Justin and/or my family. I've always tried to give Justin TONS of opportunities to explore something new (try putting some paint on a paperplate and adding tapioca or oatmeal, then let them paint with their hands! DIFFERENT!!!), do what he wishes, give him choices (though we have to limit it to two, that way I've got some control over his choices, but he also feels more in control...he's what you might call *ornery* at times!).

Thanks for putting into words what I've been feeling and practicing!
(((((