Is it availability?
Is it generosity? If so, is it financial or material generosity? Or more emotional generosity?
Is it wisdom? Honesty?
Is it compassion?
Is it their ability to make small talk? Or do you like the deeper conversations?
Is it shopping? The car they drive? The clothes they wear? The house or place they live in?
Is it gossip? Or lack of gossiping? Is it privacy?
Are your friends the same faith?
Do they parent the exact same way? Similar? Not even close?
Are their kids the same age, if they even have kids?
Are you similarly aged?
What attracts you to become a person's friend and how do you do it? Endless phone conversations? Eating out at dinner or lunch? babysitting for each other?
What makes a good friend?
__________________ Missy
Live in such a way that if anyone should speak badly of you, no one would believe it.
Is it availability? Yes
Is it generosity? Yes
If so, is it financial or material generosity? Or more emotional generosity? Emotional
Is it wisdom? Not necessarily, but the ability to admit when they don't...lol
Honesty? YES...above all
Is it compassion? Yes
Is it their ability to make small talk? Yes
Or do you like the deeper conversations? That too
Is it shopping? Sometimes
The car they drive? Who cares?
The clothes they wear? Ditto on this one
The house or place they live in? Triple Ditto
Is it gossip? NO
Or lack of gossiping? YES
Is it privacy? YES
Are your friends the same faith? No, not necessarily
Do they parent the exact same way? No
Similar? Yes
Not even close? Some
Are their kids the same age, if they even have kids? Mostly
Are you similarly aged? Yes, generally
What attracts you to become a person's friend and how do you do it? Honesty, openness, in the past it's been neediness (but no more), mutual respect
Endless phone conversations? YES
Eating out at dinner or lunch? YES
Babysitting for each other? If necessary...as long as it's two ways
What makes a good friend...you know, I have been asking myself this more lately while doing some soul searching and I am not sure you can put it into words so simply. A good friend just IS.
someone who I respect (this includes life choices. I could not be close friends with a drug user or someone who didn't care about their children) and respects mine.
for me, I need friends to be flexible. If we don't talk for a week or two I don't expect a big scene, just happy to see you and talk to you kind of thing.
Are your friends the same faith? no, but I do not expect to be ridculed about my faith.
Do they parent the exact same way? Not exactly but in the same general frame of mind.
Are their kids the same age, if they even have kids? Most of my friends are 35-50 some with and some without children.
What attracts you to become a person's friend and how do you do it? Similar frame of minds and sense of humor about life. Maturity.
Endless phone conversations? God no, I don't have time
Eating out at dinner or lunch? No time
Babysitting for each other? Yep, no problemo!
If someone says "I'm just a big kid I'll never grow up" that person is not destined to be friends with me. I need *adult* friends. I don't need grief or guilt or immaturity. I can get that from my family LOL!! It is also rude to ask someone's age. This is a pet peeve of mine with friends and shows me they are immature.
My best friends are gay, straight, Democratic, Republican, Catholic, and agnostic. We are polite and I don't discuss politics or religon with them. My mother always said it was rude.
What do I do with my friends? We chat, we visit, we have a supper club, we have a wine tasing group. /We go to the park, we get the kids together.
We laugh and have a ton of fun. They are there for me and I am there for them. I don't have tons of friends because I'm pretty picky about letting people in.
__________________
~Meg~ teacher, podcaster, but mostly sahm to my trio of little women (4, 6, 16)wife to Mr Big and dog-ma to Indy the crazy miniature golden retriever
A good friend to me is someone who knows the real you. Who you really are.
Someone who is real- gives real advice, not agreeing with everything you say.
Someone who you respect and they respect you back-again doesnt have to be someone who agrees with everything you do, but at least has respect for who you are.
Do you think being a good friend is a learned trait or genetics? Or is it cultural? For example: I don't remember my mom having GREAT friends that she could count on. She had a couple neighbors that she got together with occasionally, but I don't remember any BEST friends.
Do you think that at age 34 it is too late to learn HOW to be a good friend? I've been "duped" by many women that I tend to block people out; I don't let people in real life get close to me for fear that they will mock me and/or gossip about me. I try to be the kind of friend that I want, but end up being used a lot of times. I sometimes come off as standoffish because I have that fear as well.
kind to me and to my kids even when they are being brats. A good friend is someone who I can call if I am sitting in the hospital with a sick kid and just need someone to talk to. The same good friend would even take the time to sit with me in the hospital as I am waiting for test results supporting me. A good firnend is someone that I can be honest with and laugh with over a McDonalds hamburger and not feel like it should be in a ritzy place. A Good friend is someone that I can B*tch to about life and she will not try to tell me what to do but to just let me vent. A good friend is someone that I can be crazy with, cry with, laugh with, and be mad with.
I think being a good friend can be a learned quality. You know, Missy, as a child, I don't recall my mother ever having a close friend, either. But, I think alot of it had to do with the fact that my father was so controlling of her. Since she is no longer married to him, she seems to have developed some close friendships.
I think of friendship as "giving" of myself to someone. Giving my trust, giving my time, giving my consideration, giving my love. Personally, I believe that I should strive to be a good friend to every single person that exists. I am certainly not saying that I am there yet, but I believe it is where I should be.
Whether they are a good friend to me, I should still be a good friend to them if they need me. JMO.
Originally posted by Mrsmissy Now here's another couple questions.
Do you think being a good friend is a learned trait or genetics? Or is it cultural? For example: I don't remember my mom having GREAT friends that she could count on. She had a couple neighbors that she got together with occasionally, but I don't remember any BEST friends.
Do you think that at age 34 it is too late to learn HOW to be a good friend? I've been "duped" by many women that I tend to block people out; I don't let people in real life get close to me for fear that they will mock me and/or gossip about me. I try to be the kind of friend that I want, but end up being used a lot of times. I sometimes come off as standoffish because I have that fear as well.
Are some people just destined to be friendless?
No, I think you just have to fine tune your friend radar.
I think it's learned. My best friend has been duped a few times, and she thinks it's her fault. I think she's just too nice. She lets everyone in and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and has been hurt at least twice by friends IRL.
I think you can be private without being standoffish. My inlaws are suspicious of everyone and it sucks. They have no close friends. They seem to be irritated that we do.
I think it is cultural as well. If you go to groups that you enjoy, or classes that intrest you, you are likely to find friends. I met Anne my best friend in childbirth class. I met other friends through work, through spouses of my dh's co workers, seminars etc. I don't see that one needs tons of friends around. I'm content with a few close ones, some couple friendships, and my family.
But you do have to risk a little of yourself every time you make a new friend. I have made some missteps. I can't deal with immature, high needs or needy friends. If I get caught with that, I have to practice 'creative avoidance'.
Originally posted by Mrsmissy What makes a good friend?
Is it availability? Yes and no. I don't expect any of my friends to be available all the time, we all have lives outside of each other. But I know if it was important they would be there, kwim?
Is it generosity? If so, is it financial or material generosity? Or more emotional generosity? Hmmm...if anything, emotional generosity. I like to share with and do things for my friends, and I have one friend in particular who I feel is really generous with "things" but that's not why I love her. I think it's nice for friends to share with each other but I think the emotional aspect is so much more important.
Is it wisdom? Honesty? I like learning from my friends, and sharing experiences with them. Honesty is one of my top priorities.
Is it compassion? Yes...I feel my friends are compassionate. I think it would be hard for me to be close with someone who wasn't.
Is it their ability to make small talk? Or do you like the deeper conversations? Both, but the deeper stuff is more important. The 3 friends I am very close to are the ones who I can be silly with and talk about nothing, yet also pour my heart out if I need to.
Is it shopping? The car they drive? The clothes they wear? The house or place they live in? Nope.
Is it gossip? Or lack of gossiping? Is it privacy? Hmmm...I am not sure what you mean by privacy. Like if I tell them something I know it stays with them? Yes, that's important to me. Gossip isn't important to me. I think some gossip is normal, like my friend will tell me about something that happened to her at work.
Are your friends the same faith? Some yes, some no. It's not important to me though.
Do they parent the exact same way? Similar? Not even close? All of the above, though most of my friends with children are pretty similar in parenting. I have to admit the one friend who was polar opposite of me as far as parenting, we aren't close anymore. We just had a hard time relating to each other and didn't agree on much of anything.
Are their kids the same age, if they even have kids? Yeah they're all pretty close. One long time friend doesn't have children.
Are you similarly aged? Two are my age, one is in her early thirties and one is forty. (I'm 24).
What attracts you to become a person's friend and how do you do it? Endless phone conversations? Eating out at dinner or lunch? babysitting for each other? Two of my friends (the ones my age) are long time friends from school. One from third grade, one from fifth. We just stayed in touch over the years, not always close but we've become closer again as we got older. My friend from 3rd grade and I became close again after she had her dd, my friend from 5th and I are just now beginning to talk again after not talking for a year or so. Nothing happened, we just drifted apart and are making an effort to be closer. My other two friends I met online...we just seemed to click and started talking. One is local (Jen) and we hang out when we can, talk on the phone a lot. Our children are friends. Sometimes we don't see each other for months at a time, but I don't know what I'd do without her. My other online friend and I may never meet in person, but she is a very important person to me. We talk via e-mail just about every day, and we've been talking for almost 2 years now I think.
What makes a good friend? It's hard to answer, it's really complex for me. I think you just know it when you have it, kwim? I used to have a ton of friends, now I have 3 that I feel very close to, and 1 that I'm getting close to again. I feel very lucky to have all of them in my life. I couldn't pinpoint every little thing about them that makes them a good friend in my eyes, but they mean the world to me.
__________________
~*~Amber~*~
Mom to Chloe and Lily, and a BOY on the way in September!
Originally posted by Mrsmissy Now here's another couple questions.
Do you think being a good friend is a learned trait or genetics? Or is it cultural? I think we all have the ability to be good friends. I've been reminded of that a lot since having children. I love how nice young children (usually) are to each other. I think after that it's mostly learned. I know I've learned a lot about myself and the kind of person I want to be as I get older. That's reflected in my friendships. The friends I thought were great at 14-15-16, I probably wouldn't be friends with now.
Do you think that at age 34 it is too late to learn HOW to be a good friend? No. I don't think so. I have a hard time letting people in too. That's part of how I knew I was close to my 3 good friends...because I could talk to them about anything. When I get to the point when I can tell someone anything, that's a good friend IMO. I know this isn't what you're asking, but I think you would be a wonderful friend Missi. You have to give yourself the chance to be. I think that's the hardest part. Sometimes it's hard to find the balance between doing anything for a good friend and being walked all over. I had to do that recently and I thought the friendship would be over but it's stronger than it was before.
I am really shy at first and I think it makes it harder for me to make friends initially. I think being shy can be seen as standoffish, so it's something I am trying to work on.
Are some people just destined to be friendless? I don't think so. I think just like there is a soulmate for every person, there is at least one true friend. I think some of us just find those people sooner than others.
Originally posted by Mrsmissy
Do you think that at age 34 it is too late to learn HOW to be a good friend? I've been "duped" by many women that I tend to block people out; I don't let people in real life get close to me for fear that they will mock me and/or gossip about me. I try to be the kind of friend that I want, but end up being used a lot of times. I sometimes come off as standoffish because I have that fear as well.
Are some people just destined to be friendless?
Missy, It's never too late. I've been duped and used and gossiped about, too. (I hear rumours flying around about me quite a bit online, too.) At one time it brought my life to a standstill. I became agoraphobic. Didn't even have the internet so I was completely cut off. I had to force myself to get back out IRL. It was very hard. I have a very good friend who I met a year ago. We have lots in common but many more differences. We just sort of clicked. You have to risk the slings and arrows in order to be open to the possibility of friendship. I guess that is why I've stayed here so long.
__________________
Susan
Don't judge me
You could be me in another life
In another set of circumstances
Don't judge me
One more night
I'll just have to take my chances
I know it's just not in my plan
For someone to care who I am
I honestly don't know what makes a good friend. I have three really good friends that I have been friends with for over a decade. They are all so oooo different. One is a guy, two are girls. And the girls couldn't be more opposite. I don't even see them on a regular basis because they are all over the world. LOL
My close friends who I see everyday... they tend to be people who are similar to dh and I. All of the DHs are computer guys, they all like outdoorsy stuff, we all live in modest homes that are nicely decorated, we all have young, young children, we are all democrats, some of us share the same very liberal faith, we live near eachother, we all have "natural" aspects to us (vegans, veggies, cloth diaperers, enviromentalists...). And undramatic. I don't do dramatic friends anymore. I can't handle it. I know that sounds hard, but after a very dramatic first couple years of marriage, I am all about just having fun and being happy.
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