I don't know if there are any Mamas here who've adopted older children? If you haven't been there, I'm going to sound really harsh and unfit, so please don't judge me for this. It is just so so so so so so so hard to love her sometimes. Everything can be going fine, and she's improving and doing better then all of a sudden our progress is gone and she's acting up again.
For example, we finally have gotten her to stop swearing at me, which has been a long haul. I don't think I should have to be screamed at and called a ***** by a 5-year-old, so we have worked hard on helping her see that it's absolutely unacceptable. Actually, it's having other people see this behaviour and be so shocked that's finally gotten through to her. So, that's a victory I suppose. She hasn't done it for a couple of weeks anyway.
However, tonight I went out to get school supplies, which was, as always, a freakin' nightmare. I've put it off as long as I can and they're supposed to bring them to school tomorrow. So I explain to her that I'm leaving and Daddy's going to put her to bed and everything's fine and I know she can be brave, etc. She seems okay with it. An hour and a half later I get home, hauling everything in from the car, and I can hear her gasping and hyperventilating from crying. Basically she's screamed herself sick ever since I left. Yes, I should probably feel sorry for her, but honestly this is such bull**** it just makes me angry! After two years I still have to be held hostage by her?
I understand she had abandonment issues, etc. Yes, I understand all the abuse from her birthmother that has screwed her up for her whole life. But how long do we have to suffer through this? It's time for her to act normal, because I don't have an ounce of strength to deal with it anymore. I'm just so so so so so tired of all this. Are we never past this stuff?
This is just more manipulation. She used to puke if I did anything she didn't like, like sleep downstairs or something out of the ordinary (sometimes I'd sleep on the futon with the baby because Dave went to bed late or had to get up early or something.)
And I love her. But I don't like her. It surprises me how angry she makes me. I feel like we've done everything we can to attach to her. I think I just have alot of resentment that she's cost us SO much emotionally and ease-and-happiness-wise and we still have to deal with this crap. Like we've paid the price and for what? She's still controlling everything. I still feel like I'd walk away from her quite frequently if there was an easy way out. I'm sorry to admit this guys, it's so personal and vulnerable.
I feel like she's the high price I've had to pay to have Noah, and that just breaks my heart (we adopted them together.) I don't want to be a psycho Mum who doesn't like her kid. I know it's not her fault she was born to somebody so dangerous and unfit. I really do. But I do think she has choices in how she acts now, and she's choosing to act up more than necessary. Everything she does is to somehow make a point, even if it makes no sense.
Anyway, I just had to cry here. I'm so worn out with it all.
Kerri
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Mama to Cole (8), Naomi (7), Adam (7), and Noah (4)
All adopted - All breastfed
Wife to my darling David for over 11 years
Breastfeeding Counsellor and Doula
Waiting to hear back about my midwifery school application.
UPDATE 1/Oct/2009: I Got In. Holy Crap. I Guess We Are Working On Moving To New Zealand In January 2009!
No judgements here mama. That is a hard row to hoe. I have two friends who have adopted neglected babies and I see how they struggle. Your situation sounds much more difficult than either of theirs. I have great admiration for what you have done so far. I hope you can find some peace in your household.
Thanks for responding. It's usually not this bad. I see improvements in lots of ways. But when I think we're doing better and then we have an episode like this, it's even MORE discouraging because I hoped we were past it. It's hard to explain.
Also, this is just very poor timing because I'm presenting a workshop at an adoption conference today and my view is very clouded this morning. I hardly slept at all last night, and now I'm supposed to encourage people to adopt older children? Ugh. I feel like warning them to run screaming from the idea like I wish I had sometimes. I guess I have to laugh or I'll just keep crying. LOL.
While we have not adopted, I will admit to sometimes feeling like this with Nico. As much as I love her, I have WAY less tolerance for her at times. (((hugs))) Sorry you're feeling this way!
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Tree hugging, vegetarian, breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, home schooling, drum playing Step-Mama to my sweet Nico Sage and Mama to my curly Kaya Jade and wee Luna Blue. Lovin my hottie ~ J. Blogging From the Boonies My Etsy Shop
(((hugs))) mama, I know what it is like to stuggle with such difficult feelings about your own children I hope you found some ways to convey your heart to the group of potential adoptive families. I know what a burden that responsibility can be.
While it is a different situation, I take calls from parents in the NICU who are deciding whether to raise, or put up for adoption, their little ones with Prader-Willi Syndrome. I feel an intense responsibility to not sugar coat the reality but it is hard to get across how amazing the experience is also how intense and all consuming it is.
Up until a year ago I would tell them that by the end of a hard day I could come back to seeing that I am blessed to be raising this beautiful child. Now, I honestly tell them that sometimes it is not until the end of the week that I can pull my head above water for long enough to see the purpose and the blessings of my path. I am prepared that in the future there may pass a month or even a year before my path still like the one I am supposed to be on. It is very hard emotionally and I am sending some of my hearts strength to you right now
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Jenn, mama to Nicholas and Jacob. Blessed to have been so loved by Peter.
Usborne books!! www.ubah.com/Z1151
100% of my commision always goes straight to the Foundation for Prader-Willi Research!
It went okay today, I was honest, but still encouraging I think. I wish someone had told me it would be this hard, so I wanted to be more realistic about the whole thing too.
I don't know. I don't feel like much of an example right now. And I'm so sick of her behaviour when I go out, that I've told her I'm just going to keep leaving her until she can learn to act better. Honestly, there is no reason for her to have a tantrum like that. She just can't handle not having her own way and I'm **** sick of it and maybe some practice will do her good? Or at least help her appreciate me or give me five minutes peace, even if I have to pay because she's worse when I get home. Not very AP of me, but I'm close to breaking point these days.
Yikes. Is this really the life I chose? What the hell was I thinking? Oh yeah, nothing. I didn't have a clue it would be anything like this.
And Meeshi, I totally know what you mean. All the kids can be doing the same thing, but it's Naomi that's bothering me! It just takes so long to attach to bigger kids I think.
It's so sad. These are the kids that need families the most, but they can just be so unlovable.
While we have not adopted, I will admit to sometimes feeling like this with Nico. As much as I love her, I have WAY less tolerance for her at times. (((hugs))) Sorry you're feeling this way!
Meeshi~WOW! I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I've been wanting to post/ask others about it, but I'm so scared of sounding like the wicked step-mother. I'm sorry that you feel the same, but glad that I'm not the only one.
Kerri~I have great admiration for your strength to provide a good home for this little girl. Hoping that she realizes the security and love that she now has......
Tobey, being a step-parent is not an easy thing at times. It seems a lot easier to side with the child that is biologically yours, some times. I try my best to treat everyone equally, but on the other side of things, I expect more from Nico because she is older, you know? I do love Nico so much, but it can be a struggle to treat her as if she were my very own child.
Location: You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better. ~ Maya Angelou
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I am so sorry, mama. I don't even know what to say. Just know that I read and I care. I know that's not much, though.
I have some friends in Maryland who had to adopt the older sibling as well in order to get the younger infant they were interested in. They have had a really horrible time with their older son and will probably have to place him in a live in situation as he is too much to handle.
He was drug exposed and sexually and physically abused. They can not trust him with other kids unless they are RIGHT there at all times.
Kerri, I am so sorry that you are struggling still. It sounds like your daughter is a classic RAD child. Is she getting therapy? Are you? You deserve a safe place to vent.
I'm probably the last person to be offering words of encouragment right now. My son will be 8 in a few days, I've had him for nearly five years, and today his psychiatrist told me that he feels he will only get worse and I should start looking for a group home for him. He's the third doctor to tell me that in a year, and at this point I'm ashamed to admit I'm actually considering it.
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peace and moonpies
Logan, proud parent to Cass, the anime nut and Walt, the American Idol.
"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. Because if there is no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world." ~ Angel
I think what you are doing is one of the hardest things in the world. My heart is with you and I respect you. You are doing your best in a difficult situation. Adopted older abused children is so noble, but so...hard!
And Logan, thanks for your input, as scary as it is. I hate that these kids are damaged before we even get a chance to try and parent them. It's just the saddest thing that these are the ones who need us the most, but are the most unappealing to parent. It's hard when you don't bond to them because they are so antagonistic and you just don't feel like they're yours the same as the others. It's just hard.
On the other hand, I do blame my husband for alot of this. He is immature and teases and jokes around and has no impulse control. He has a scary loud voice and Naomi just doesn't want to be around him. But instead of him trying to change so she can get to know and love him, he just feels rejected and doesn't try. So he's in a place where he thinks she hates him so he'll just hate her back. Of course I'm exaggerating it, but that's kind of how it feels. And I'm in the middle. It's the single hardest thing our marriage has survived and it's the ONLY thing we fight about anymore. He just can't be bothered making an effort for someone who doesn't like him. It's so complicated and emotional.
Aw, I'm so sorry Kerri! OK, time to finally implement some therapy here! It's not getting better with time, and you and Dave and Naomi and the whole family really needs to get some help. I think you need to beg, borrow or steal the money to go to a good family psychologist who can work with all of you. Out of town, probably. And not cheap - but entirely necessary. She's not a lost cause, she's just got special needs.
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Our first family pic in AGES!! And it's already out of date. Oh well
My daughter is pushing me over the edge . . .
I hope you found some ways to convey your heart to the group of potential adoptive families. I know what a burden that responsibility can be.
Aw, I'm so sorry Kerri! OK, time to finally implement some therapy here! It's not getting better with time, and you and Dave and Naomi and the whole family really needs to get some help. I think you need to beg, borrow or steal the money to go to a good family psychologist who can work with all of you. Out of town, probably. And not cheap - but entirely necessary. She's not a lost cause, she's just got special needs.
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