Belinda, you're right that we need probably need therapy, but between episodes I feel like everything's fine and we don't need to. It's silly to keep going through the same pattern, but I keep thinking things are better. And they ARE improving. ALOT. Man, I did not think we'd survive the first year. Holy Crap, was that ever torture.
Naomi's our daughter and we love her. And honestly, I talk to lots of people going through this and they ARE getting therapy and they're in the same situation as us ANYWAY. It's specialized therapy that we need and noone seems to be able to help us. Actually, Naomi and Dave need to just connect, and having Daddy-Daughter dates and stuff like that helps tremendously if he can be forced into it. The problem is between her and him. I just get involved because I feel like I have to mediate everything. And I'm the one reading the books and worrying about the long-term implications of every little thing.
And most of the time, things are just fine. I think we're just at the point now of a regular blended family where it's not perfect and people clash, but it's still a family.
I just had to vent and scream when I first started this thread, and it did fill its purpose in that I got it out. LOL.
Kerri
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Mama to Cole (9), Naomi (8), Adam (7), and Noah (4)
All adopted - All breastfed
Wife to David for 12 years!
Breastfeeding Counsellor and Doula
Accepted into midwifery school for February 2009!
We are moving to New Zealand on January 29th
Yikes, there is TONS to do before then. Gulp.
Well it all came crashing down today again. Good times baby!
The school called me to come get Naomi this morning. She was having a huge tantrum where she hit her teacher, screamed for a good half hour, kicked the principal and vice-principal, called the principal a ****ing b!tch, etc. Oh the public shame of it all.
They also called my husband because I didn't hear the phone the first time it rang (I was in the yard painting the fence.) So we both showed up there, Dave from work, me and Noah covered in paint. Had a big talk with the principal, teacher, vice-principal.
The GOOD thing is that now this has happened at school, they can document it and try to get us help through the school district. They know us and want to help, but really had no idea how bad it was until it happened in front of everyone. Last year it happened a couple of times, but the principal and vice-principal weren't involved. This time they saw it themselves, so reports will be made, etc. We're going to have a meeting with a counsellor, the teacher, principal, vice-principal, a First Nations support worker (because Naomi has native heritage), and Dave and I. Hopefully this will be a glimmer of hope and they'll help us get some support. We need it.
I've never seen a 5-year-old get suspended before. Especially over not wanting to colour a brown dog. It's just so out of proportion. Sigh.
That's awful but good. I know it's embarrassing, but sometimes our kids have to prove themselves as having problems at school - and she did it in a big way!
Did I tell you Wade's been behaving so badly at school that they're actually INCREASING his teacher's aide hours this next term? It was supposed to reduce, they gave us a short-term fix of 5 extra hours per week, with it disappearing this term. But instead, he's increasing by 5 hours - so he's going to have 25 hours per week!
It all came to a head a month or so ago when his teacher was having panic attacks trying to deal with him, and the principal called the ministry of education because Wade was being SO AWFUL. So you're not alone. And they didn't believe us either, until it got to tipping point and he was behaving as badly as he was feeling, and they HAD to deal with it. It's amazing how quickly things get done when the principal gets involved!
So don't feel embarrassed - she's got a Big Red Flag to services now! I'm so sorry it's not perfect, but really, this is the truth - she does behave like this, and she does need help.
XXXOOO
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Our first family pic in AGES!! And it's already out of date. Oh well
Kerri;
You responded to some posts I made about Alex, so you know I've been there. Just yesterday things go so out of control with Alex that I had to send him to nap early just so I could calm down. The thing is, Alex doesn't throw tantrums, but he whines constantly, repeats everything 500,000 times and get physically worked up so quickly (running around, jumping on things, rolling over things, etc). I feel like such a failure sometimes, because this precious, beautiful, needy child has been placed in our home to love, protect and raise and I struggle so much to feel what I believe I should toward him.
Our situations are different, but our emotional struggles sound the same.
Logan--if you read this, I don't think you should feel guilty about thinking about what the Drs have said AT ALL. THREE people have told you this in a year...think about it, consider it, look into it...that doesn't mean you have to do it, but it will help you to be prepared, yk? Dear, dear Walter.
Jeni
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Mama to Alex, Miriam and Noah; Wife to Chris.
Alex (Weatherman), Miriam (Fancy Nancy) and Noah (Good Knight), October 31, 2008
Missing Hazel Irene, born still on April 18, 2008. A Broken Hallelujah
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Guys, I NEED input today. It's a holiday, my parents are out of the country, and I can't get help from the school or anywhere else today. Tell me how to handle this . . .
Yesterday Naomi's fingers were so bitten and bleeding from biting her nails. I was totally shocked how bad they were, maybe even infected. Anyway, this morning, trying to be a fun and loving and goal-oriented Mama, I said that if she could stop biting her nails by the first weekend in November, we'd go shopping for a beautiful dress. Truth is, she's never been shopping with me and picked out something. I usually buy her stuff from thrift stores or we get clothes given to us. So I thought this would be fun, wrote it on the calendar, etc. I stopped biting my nails younger than this for a sundae from McDonald's, so I really thought it would work.
It totally backfired I guess, because she started absolutely RAGING that she wanted it NOW and would NEVER stop biting her nails. I very calmly explained that was her choice and that I couldn't make her do anything, but she would be rewarded if she stopped. So she screamed and swore at me that I don't love her and she hates our family and I'm a f***ing ass****, etc. I said she couldn't be in the living room if she was going to talk like that because honestly it just sucks and I don't think I should have to hear it, nor the other kids. After about a half hour, she came out, said she was sorry, calmed down, said she wanted to try to stop, etc. Everything's good, we move on with our day.
We went to a friend's house who makes hemp jewellery and my 3 older kids got to choose the beads they wanted for their necklace they're getting for their birthdays next week. They picked up hazelnuts from their trees, etc. We even rented a movie on the way home. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. We saw it at the movies, they all loved it and we've read the bookd, etc. (I always think things will motivate her, but they don't, apparently.)
As soon as we get in the car, she starts biting her nails. She's looking me straight in the eye, and totally challenging me. I said that I know she wants to watch the movie, so she needs to try to stop. She determinedly continues to stare at me whilst biting her nails. Seeing as I've never seen her bite her nails before (she apparently does it in bed at night), I know this is just a way to piss me off. So I said that I know she wants to watch the movie, so she needs to stop before we get home or she'll have to watch it tomorrow, not today. No change, she continues to chew away to show me she's not listening. I said, "Naomi is making a choice to have a rest when we get home and not watch the movie" to be sure she understood, and she of course kept on chewing with a hateful look on her face.
We get home, I say that the boys can watch the movie, but she needs to rest instead. More raging: I'm a mean b***h. She hates me. She never will love me. I hate her. She's leaving this family. I never want to buy her a dress. She loves to bite her nails, etc. I carry her into her room and close to door and try to ignore it until she calms down. She throws a picture and a chair (now broken) and breaks a hole in the new door. I go in there and try to restrain her so she stops breaking things. Doesn't change anything, except she's screaming that I'm breaking her arm, which I'm really not. (I was only trying to hold her arms down because she was trying to hit, break, throw, etc.) Whatever. I lose my cool and leave again because I feel like throwing her at the now-broken new door, honestly.
Obviously, this has all backfired, but I have three lovable darling boys, who while mischevious, do deserve to have fun. I'm sick of them missing out because of her. So they're watching the movie and she might be able to watch it tomorrow. But I hate doing this and being mean. I want to let her watch it to shut her up, but she just learns to fight longer that way. I'm trying to look at the bigger picture, but it hurts that I tried to give them a special day and this is how it goes.
Kerri, hugs to you! You really need some support with your dd. I don't know much about her, but, like Logan, she sounds classic RAD. RAD kids need to be parented differently than "normal" kids....what works with normal kids simply doesn't work with RAD kids...
There are many excellent books and resources for RAD; I found the book by Nancy Thomas extremely helpful when we had RAD foster kids.
Please, get as much help as you can...find a good counselor who is familiar with RAD and can help guide you. It's a tough, tough road, but it can be done!
__________________ “The real leader has no need to lead he is content to point the way” ~Henry Miller
Kerri, hugs to you! You really need some support with your dd. I don't know much about her, but, like Logan, she sounds classic RAD. RAD kids need to be parented differently than "normal" kids....what works with normal kids simply doesn't work with RAD kids...
There are many excellent books and resources for RAD; I found the book by Nancy Thomas extremely helpful when we had RAD foster kids.
Please, get as much help as you can...find a good counselor who is familiar with RAD and can help guide you. It's a tough, tough road, but it can be done!
Honestly, I didn't find Nancy Thomas' book helpful. I haven't found many of them helpful. Nancy writes of using these techniques even on children who have committed murder and molested other children, but what I find frustrating about her book and many others is that there is no "plan B". She recommends strong sitting. Well, great, but what do you do with the child that refuses to sit, and then when you send him to his room to "rest", he breaks out the windows, urinates on the floor and punches a hole in the sheet rock? Or the child that when you tell them that they can eat what you prepared for dinner or wait until breakfast proceeds to hurl the plate across the kitchen, sweeps everything else off the table on his way out, and then screams and screams and SCREAMS for hours, until the neighbors are complaining and your other child starts asking to live with her grandparents out of state.
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peace and moonpies
Logan, proud parent to Cass, the anime nut and Walt, the American Idol.
"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. Because if there is no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world." ~ Angel
Yes, you're right about that! What I found helpful was more that she "gets" RAD kids, kwim? I was able to read and go....yes, yes, that describes B! It made me feel better, if that makes sense.
IMO, some RAD kids cannot be in a family setting and should be in a theraputic home or the only child in a home. I know that's unpopular, but it's how I feel.
We had a RAD child that was like you described...when there weren't any toys/objects to break, he'd go for walls, windows, doors, etc...which was not good considering we were living in a rental home! Fortunately my neighbors were rarely home, but there was a night where he screamed so loud for so long....dh could hear him at the end of the block (and our windows were shut!). We were his fourth home in four weeks due to his severe behavior, and we were only able to handle him for three weeks before I had him moved. It was totally unfair to my other children (bios and foster) to live like that.
So, the books didn't help me deal with his behavior, but they did make me understand him, and understand why nothing I did helped, lol!
We won't take RAD kids anymore. Someday, when our kids are grown and out of the house, I might consider it.
Yes, you're right about that! What I found helpful was more that she "gets" RAD kids, kwim? I was able to read and go....yes, yes, that describes B! It made me feel better, if that makes sense.
IMO, some RAD kids cannot be in a family setting and should be in a theraputic home or the only child in a home. I know that's unpopular, but it's how I feel.
We had a RAD child that was like you described...when there weren't any toys/objects to break, he'd go for walls, windows, doors, etc...which was not good considering we were living in a rental home! Fortunately my neighbors were rarely home, but there was a night where he screamed so loud for so long....dh could hear him at the end of the block (and our windows were shut!). We were his fourth home in four weeks due to his severe behavior, and we were only able to handle him for three weeks before I had him moved. It was totally unfair to my other children (bios and foster) to live like that.
So, the books didn't help me deal with his behavior, but they did make me understand him, and understand why nothing I did helped, lol!
We won't take RAD kids anymore. Someday, when our kids are grown and out of the house, I might consider it.
Unfortunately, I have learned that unless I can pay for residential treatment or have insurance that will pay, the only other way to get him into a residential facility is for me to legally abandon him and go to court to have my parental rights terminated. I can also be charged with abandonment and have my other child removed from the home. Only once he is in legal custody of the state of Louisiana will Medicaid pay for residential treatment in a group home.
Logan, I'm so, so sorry, that's just horrible!!! I know of many people in your shoes, it's totally ridiculous! I used to work in a group home, and that's what one family had to do to have their child placed there, it's just awful.
I usually don't post much here, but I am so moved by your story. I am impressed at your courage and kindness and optimism in taking in a child like your daughter.
I'm posting the link to this website: WhileChildrenSleep
I did telephone counseling with Jan Hunt for a while and she suggested the site and it was really helpful with some garden variety new baby issues. Obviously, I have no idea if it will be helpful for a situation like yours, and I am almost embarrassed to post it at all because I am totally ignorant about adoption of older children and don't even know what RAD stands for.
Again, I am amazed by your kindness and willingness to do what's difficult to help a child.
Military wife of a deployed soldier. 
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