amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Lydiasmomma · 08-04-2006, 07:49 PM

Were you always positive it was the best choice for your family? If you have biological children, were you ever afraid you wouldn't love an adopted baby as much?

We are considering it. Honestly, I have wanted to for some time, and now dh is on board and says the ball is totally in my court at this point. Now that it is a very real possibility, I am scared. All these thoughts are going through my head, but the biggest is I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to bond to the child/wouldn't have the maternal instincts for him/her.
However, I had these same fears when I was pregnant with Levi.
DH wants to adopt internationally. I do too, but worry that will make it even harder to bond, b/c there will be no chance of getting a very small baby. I worry about attachment disorders.
I've been consumed with thinking about this.

Gypsylily · 08-04-2006, 08:40 PM

Well, I've always wanted to adopt since I was a child, myself! I never had a "clear" vision as to where the baby would originate from, though.

I pondered many options: Liberia, Ethiopia, China, India, Pakistan, Guatamela, etc.

And I still would do any of the above. However, as it happened, the agency I chose to do an African adoption with was closed (temporarily). They advised me to stick with my domestic agency and see what happened.

Well...what happened was I had 2 hours notice of an available newborn. So, yes, that is the advantage of U.S. adoption - a fresh baby.

However, it is not uncommon for babies in Africa and Guatemala to be 4 months old upon coming home. Babies in Guat get VERY good one on one care by a foster care provider. Babies and kids from Africa (I am told have little to no attachment disorders). They are very well loved, but life is hard in Africa. Many of those African babies are orphaned due to aids or relinquished due to NO FOOD. (Parents feel that they should place baby or child in an orphange to ensure some food for their babies. Very sad).

African adoption are very affordable. Guatemalan seems higher ime. I forget how much China and India are. Higher than Africa, I know that...

In terms of bonding...well, the love is the same for me and for many others I have asked.

It really is. I love my birthed boy as much as the baby who was gifted to me by adoption.

I hope I answered your questions. I have to change a dirty diaper, so I must go!

Anyhow, what country are you considering? Good for you for considering adoption. It is a wonderful experience!

lassie · 08-10-2006, 11:18 AM

I absolutely, without a doubt, love my two youngest with the same love I love Whitley (our only bio.) with. In fact, of the three, I had the easiest time bonding with Melody, who came home at 11 days old. Noelle was my hardest to bond with, but several factors I think factored into that. First, it was sudden, and we were expecting maybe *years*. Second, rights on her birthfather were not terminated yet, so she was considered a "legal risk" adoption. Third, even though she was still so young, she was not a newborn. She was almost 4 months. I never thought that would make a difference, but to me, it did, a little bit. Anyway, all that said, I still bonded very quickly to her, and she bonded very quickly to us. Now, after her being home for 4 months, she seems 110% *mine*.

I've wanted to adopt since I was at least a teenager. I remember as a girl playing "orphanage" with my neighbor on my porch. It's always been in my heart. I don't think I had any real clear idea on what kind of adoption I wanted though.

I don't know much about adopting internationally, but several women on this board have done it, or researched it thoroughly. HTH a little.

JeniLyn · 08-10-2006, 12:46 PM

Well, if you've read my other posts, you know it's been difficult to bond with Alex. He was 2 years and 3 months when he came to live with us, was virtually non-verbal and had been removed from a stable foster home (they weren't interested in adopting any more kids) to be place with us (kinship care). My mothering instincts were strong, but I found (and still do) that my patience runs out faster with him; I don't always tolerate his outbursts well.

However, I love, love, love him. He's a dear child and he's MINE. (When his bio parents call to talk to him, and doubts I have about my feelings toward him disappear!)

And, as you stated, you had these same fears with Levi. I know some parents have trouble bonding to kids, bio or not. My mom has a good friend that had to deal a lot with the "ideal" of her daughter before she could accept her for who she was...and that was a birthed daughter. She talked with my mom about it, but followed Lee-Ann's advice to "fake it til you make it"...which is what I do now.

Do I notice a difference in my feelings toward Alex as compared to my other kids? Yes. Do I think those differences will go away. Yes.

Also, FYI, the laws are changing for adoptions from Guatamala next year sometime, making it a bit harder to get children...you might want to look into that before you decide where. I know you are interested in international adoption, but I really encourage you to look domestically, too...especially if you are at all interested in fostering to adopt. It's not uncommon around here to be foster parents to a baby from birth and then be able to adopt.

Jeni