Location: Oh, mama, could this really be the end? to be stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again
Posts: 10,668
Weird situation with SIL
She's apparently thinking of putting up her baby for adoption when she has her, but wants to go outside the family. We offered, but she said no. I know that it was a long shot in that family. They're very concerned with appearances and whatnot.
Anyway, I'm not going to force myself on the adoptive family (the people being considered are just a couple hours from me), but I do want them to know we're here if baby girl grows up into a kid and has questions, wants to meet some of her biofamily, etc. Nana thinks it would be better if we didn't. I said open adoptions seem to be working well for all parties. She said that it would be weird if aunts and uncles met baby girl, but her bio mom didn't. I said she'd still be able to answer some questions and know we all love her, and the biomom thing isn't any different whether she knows we're around or not.
I think I'm right, of course. I get that biomom's disinterest would suck, but that's not going to be changed by knowing us.
I'm not that attached to the idea - if SIL and the APs don't want us involved, we won't be, but I just wanted then to know we're available if she comes to that place with all the whys and what was biofamily like questions (my cousins both had a lot of those, but that was in the time of closed adoption).
you are an adult capable of making your decision regardless of what mil or sil think. If sil is giving the baby up for adoption, that's her issue and you have no obligation to not contact AP against her wishes - jmo.
Personally, were it me, I'd fight like hell to be the adoptive parent, but if that just could not happen, I'd say screw sil, I'm going to do what I can to ensure that this precious babe can contact me if precious babe and babe's AP want that. If the APs are not for it, that's one thing, but if sil voluntarily gives up baby, I say she forfits rights to what you chose to do.
I know that has to be hard for you, that your SIL won't consider giving babe to you guys. I see where she must feel like she has to have babe far away from her in order to allow babe to have a life with his/her parents, though. I am lucky that if Allie would have had her baby, and could have given it up..she would have considered me first.
I agree with Rebecca...doesn't matter what anyone says, if Adoptive Parents will allow you to be in babe's life in some capacity, try for it. If they won't you can't do much about it, I suppose. I hope they will. Heck, I hope somehow you can talk SIL into giving you that baby for that matter.
I don't know..I'm the last person who can give coherent advice these days..
Love you, though.
__________________
Meg
Mama to Alexis, 21; Jacob, 18; and Elijah 11/20/02 and Sophia Jane, 11/20/04
Allison took this picture of my lovely girl:
I definitely think you should contact the AP and offer your involvement. Thumbs up to you guys for doing so. I so wish we had that for our daughters.
I don't think I'd fight to be the AP though. I'd let her know your desire, and how strongly you desire it, but ultimately it's her decision. And if family is too hard of a decision to make, then that's that. That must really hurt though, and I'm sorry.
Location: Oh, mama, could this really be the end? to be stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again
Posts: 10,668
I'll have DH talk to SIL again, but these people are odd about things like this. I was trying to see if I was the one who was off here, or Nana. Like I said, I'm pretty sure that the more contact, the better, when possible. Nana's not all that versed in adoption, especially not in the modern world of open adoptions. She is willing to listen to reason, however, so I doubt I'd have to fight her for the contact info for the potential APs (she works with them).
Or... I could take see if DH can talk his sister into letting my sister, Gael, adopt. Since she apparently is willing. Everyone wave to my sister:
The wee one would have the same cousins, aunt & uncle, I'm sure they would help us. Plus the issue of the $6,000 for the IUD removal that I don't have. It's putting my getting pregnant off for a long time. I just got turned down by the government program that my doc thought could help me. Can't find another one that pays for surgery, the hospital says I can put it on my cc card. not. It would just be a matter of getting xt's family and the dh on board. What are the chances of that?? I'm not getting my hopes up, but I want new baby!!
ok heres my opinion. please don't flame me, its just an opinion
if I were sil and you were trying to do this your way, like that with regard to MY decision to put my child up for adoption, I would be livid. There may be reasons she does not want to have an open adoption, & it is her reasons and it really isn't any of your business if she doesn't want it to be your business. I am sure adoption is hard enough for her, not having you doing this. I obviously don't know your family and the whole senario by your one post but giving the facts you gave I would be pissed at you. sorry..
side note: keep in mind my experience with adoption is limitd so I may be way off this is just my feeling. but My brother adopted his first child and hadn't decided when to tell his daughter yet (she was 3 (this was early eighties),his sil stepped in and told her for him! because she thought she needed to know people need to stay out of peoples business unless asked to be in said business
Location: Oh, mama, could this really be the end? to be stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again
Posts: 10,668
boobymama- Everything I said came from a conversation with MIL, not with SIL. I haven't pushed SIL into any corners, nor did I say I did. I, in fact, stated that I wouldn't do anything she or the APs didn't want, did I not? Check the first post again. I was just wondering what people thought of what MIL said.
I could care less what she does with her baby - it's her decision, unless she keeps it and then abuses/neglects it. We haven't talked to her since she started considering adoption. We only just learned of it. We offered to adopt the baby when she first found out she was pregnant, but at that point she said she wanted to keep it.
The adoption to people MIL knows would by nature be somewhat open. It's not as if MIL would never hear about the kid again.
We are the only people in the family who actively try to give SIL any credit for being a capable adult. We respect her decisions, but we're not going to cave in to MIL's opinions without further exploration, including a conversation with SIL and the APs.
I get that biomom's disinterest would suck, but that's not going to be changed by knowing us. 
Everyone wave to my sister:
a little slow on the uptake sometimes. grab a cuppa tea, sit back and browse a while...
Glad to have ya here 
$6000 for an IUD removal? that's jack. holy carp, gael!!! 
sorry..
people need to stay out of peoples business unless asked to be in said business
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