you'd think it'd be a no brainer, but I know this baby is being cared for by 2 different families each day ( I have no idea WHY!) Anyhow, if all goes well he will only be 3 1/2 months old when he comes here. Id love for him to come sooner, but things arent going that direction at the moment. I like to plan ahead so just in case things continue on the path that they are, how can I prepare myself and my kids to a new older infant and what are some things that will help the wee one adjust comfortably? I just want to be his 'mommy' I ache thinking about someone else caring for him, Im sure he is being cared for but is he being nurtured and loved? I sure hope so...but I want that job....anyhow, going off in another direction there. So, what advice do you have?
__________________ ~Dishka's Feedback~
Jessica
Loving Joe for Eternity
And our Babies:
MegynJames Mark and my Boob-Tick Abigail
I have friends that have adopted older infants (and kids) but Melody was only 11 days old when she came home, so I have not BTDT. Melody and I bonded right away. She lived in the sling. I think that helped a lot. I also nursed her (mostly comfort nursing) for about 8 weeks and I really believed that helped SO much too.
I will ask my friends. I do remember them saying with older infants and children to be the one to constantly hold them/give them treats (not applicable here), etc. I would say have a honeymoon time before introducing him to everyone! Like try not to have everyone in and out of your house right away until you think he's feeling secure enough. I know that'll be hard.
And most of all, don't worry. If you don't have those motherly instincts right away for him, I've heard to "fake it 'til you make it". They'll come.
Noah was almost 3 months when he came home and I didn't find bonding with him to be too tricky. I did nurse him, and he learned after a week or two of keeping at it. Co-sleeping, co-bathing, slinging, etc. Just all the regular AP stuff is really helpful for adopted babes, and even for older ones too! I know how hard it is to ache to have your babe safely home with you forever. Will you be able to adopt him, or do longterm foster care?
Kerri
__________________
Mama to Cole (8), Naomi (7), Adam (7), and Noah (4)
All adopted - All breastfed
Wife to my darling David for over 11 years
Breastfeeding Counsellor and Doula
Waiting to hear back about my midwifery school application.
UPDATE 1/Oct/2009: I Got In. Holy Crap. I Guess We Are Working On Moving To New Zealand In January 2009!
We are first going for legal custody, getting mom to sign over her parental rights and then going into adoption once we can afford ANOTHER retainer or whatever the fees will be for the adoption attorney. The way things ar now, we have to go the route that we are, it is what it is and we have to do it this way even if it seems like the long way. Anyhow, the attorney we are using now is costing us our entire tax return and then my aunt is paying part of the custody retainer and we are borrowing from family. God please don't let this go over the retainer!...really, Im actually praying for this not to go over the retainer.
Anyhow, the answer to the adoption, yes we plan on adopting I can't wait. Im just dying a little everyday that I think of a 'stranger' taking care of him even though I will be as much or even more of a stranger to him. *sigh*
Anyone know the rules about breastfeeding while you only have custody? I really don't want to ask DHR anymore questions because they are really putting me off. Everything I ask takes DAYS to get a response and they are less than helpful lately. And honestly I dont want to freak them out BEFORE we get the baby here kwim? Dont wanna give them a 'reason' to delay things any longer.
AND can I get the paperwork for a homestudy on my own, they said they were going to send it and never did. Id like to just get it myself and fill it out and get the ball rolling so that when we go to the next court date in April they don't have yet another thing to delay the baby coming here.
I definitely plan on using the sling and had acutally planned on having a welcome home party for the baby, but Im rethinking that after what you said, Lassie, about letting the baby get used to 'home' first. I was planning a big dinner for everyone to meet him, but now I can see how that might not be good right off. Definitely will put that on the backburner for now. I do plan on doing co-bathing, co-sleeping and anything else I've done with my other children, but Im not sure if there are different boundaries while you just have legal custody vs adoption.
And does anyone know if there are ways to get adoption grants, what you have to do to qualify? Where to find out about them? We don't make tons of money, but we do make enough to keep everyone happy and the bills paid kwim? We have the custody thing going on as well as some other things that the attorney is doing for us which is costing us a good bit. Anyhow, we want to adopt ASAP but as I mentioned may have to settle for custody until we can save up. What can we do? And what do I save to apply to adoption parts of the tax return? Can I apply the costs to get custody to the adoption portion of my taxes next year?
Long post and lots of questions, Im sorry. Thank you for being a great support in this. I don't know what I'd do without you!
You know, you may be fine to have a welcome home party as long as you don't pass him around too much. But that may be fine too. I don't want to be too weird about it. In fact we had a party the night we gained custody of Melody. It was just family, but we had it and she slept in the sling on me the entire time.
As far as BF goes, I wouldn't say anything about it.
And as far as grants goes, and taxes for custody, I wish I could help more. Go to the boards on adoption. com. There are people WAY more knowledgeable about that sort of thing than I am.
Can you not go straight for adoption? I am wondering why DHS is not appointing you a lawyer in this (paid by the state) if rights are to be terminated, etc. I am not very knowledgeable about that either, but I know they CAN get you a state-appointed lawyer.
And as far as them not answering questions right away, putting you off, etc.... that has been our exact experience too as well as most people I know that have adopted.
I dont' know the answers to your questions. But I AM praying for you--that the legal costs can stay down, that you will get him soon, and that you will bond in the best possible way.
Can you not go straight for adoption? I am wondering why DHS is not appointing you a lawyer in this (paid by the state) if rights are to be terminated, etc. I am not very knowledgeable about that either, but I know they CAN get you a state-appointed lawyer
We'd love to go to straight adoption. But circumstances which are unique to our own personal case are actually pushing us towards legal custody first. Not ideal, but I'll take that over not getting him at all kwim?
DHR gave my Aunt an attorney, the baby an attorney and literally said " you have to get your own" The judge had a lot more tact and simply said that we were signing a form saying we waived counsel for that court date (a month ago) and advised us to obtain counsel by the next court date since it's all handled in closed court. They aren't forcing her to terminate her rights, she will willingly do that but only for us. She wants us to have the child, but since dhr has custody and their goal is to reuinte baby and mom she is going through those motions at least until April. It's all very confusing and frustrating to me. We'd be great for this baby. Right now he goes to one foster family in the day while the other foster person works, and then to the other at night. WHY!!!!! WHY can't they give him some sort of stability?! Ugh it just literally is killing me! And my sweet sweet baby girl prays every night for Isaiah to come live with us soon.
My dd was over 4 mos at arrival; I wore her constanly and I bf her. If you can't do that, i would not anyone else feed. I also did not let anyone but dh and our older child hold her. (Although my mother and sister did manage to wrangle her free from me briefly at the airport). There was no passing around. We didn't have a party, but people did visit, just as they would a new baby. We had a Babymoon, however. I think we managed to hold out 3 or 4 days before answering the door of phone. (We put recorded a nice, but don't bother us message on our answring machine). I didn't have any problems bonding, and once I got my talons on her, she was mine. I even did have a hard time sharing her with dh. lol Of course we slept with her. In fact, I held her at night. On our sides, her head under my chin, my hand on her tummy.
We'd love to go to straight adoption. But circumstances which are unique to our own personal case are actually pushing us towards legal custody first. Not ideal, but I'll take that over not getting him at all kwim?
DHR gave my Aunt an attorney, the baby an attorney and literally said " you have to get your own" The judge had a lot more tact and simply said that we were signing a form saying we waived counsel for that court date (a month ago) and advised us to obtain counsel by the next court date since it's all handled in closed court. They aren't forcing her to terminate her rights, she will willingly do that but only for us. She wants us to have the child, but since dhr has custody and their goal is to reuinte baby and mom she is going through those motions at least until April. It's all very confusing and frustrating to me. We'd be great for this baby. Right now he goes to one foster family in the day while the other foster person works, and then to the other at night. WHY!!!!! WHY can't they give him some sort of stability?! Ugh it just literally is killing me! And my sweet sweet baby girl prays every night for Isaiah to come live with us soon.
{{{Hugs}}} That all makes sense how you are doing it. I was just making sure they were treating you right. That sounds very confusing and sad that he goes b/t two foster homes. I am glad he is not in daycare during the day though! I guess he's too young. Hopefully you'll get him before they do that.
I'm praying he comes home quickly! Will you be calling him Isaiah or Alex?
We want to call him Alex, but we still refer to him as Isaiah during this process. Im not sure how to make the conversion ??? His birth mom calls him a Isaiah and the courts will refer to him that way so we have been, but dh and I feel like using Alex (his middle name is alexander) sort of fits with our other childrens names and with our last name better. Our last name is Joyce. so, don't be confused if I say Isaiah once then I say Alex the next time lol. Im kind of scared, Im sure the people caring for him are calling him Isaiah, will it cause problems (for him)if we start calling him Alex when he comes here? I don't hate the name Isaiah, I just might not have chosen it myself. The only reason we are keeping his original name at all is because well...as dh put it he will be losing every other part of his identity, he deserves his name and that will be the one thing he will always have that his birth mother gave to him (other than life obviously)
Sorry for the confusion on that. I really don't have a clue what I'm doing anymore
I *love* the name Isaiah. It's always been on our short list of boy names. I understand that it's not one you would have picked on your own, but it is such a strong, wonderful name. Alexander is nice, but also very common.
Tough call. We combined birth names and one we chose. I think it's very important to retain a birth name in some form, if known. I agree with your dh.
This was really hard for us, too. Noah and Naomi's birthfamilies insisted we not change their names, even though, to be honest, I don't like either of them at all. So we honoured their wishes, resentfully. It's hard because naming your child is part of the claiming process and I still can't always remember Noah's name when people ask me! It's disgraceful. We would have called him Rueben if we had the chance. Naomi was too old, but I would have liked to be able to have a say in at least her middle names. Legally, we could have changed them, but ethically we felt it wasn't right knowing how strongly her birthfamily felt about it. Ugh.
As far as breastfeeding goes, I know what I and others have done is simply not mention it. In public or with the social workers, don't bring it up. They'll assume what they will. I know there are women at the adoptive breastfeeding resource website who've done foster nursing, and there is a little information there on their experiences and legal issues. For me, I would do what was best for the child (attachment, breastmilk, etc.) regardless of the issues. After things are finalized, then I might do a little educating, but until then, I'd keep my lips sealed. That's just me, and I'm not saying it's what's right. But for me, breastfeeding is too vital of an issue to risk someone with no clue (social workers, in my experience) having a say.
We want to call him Alex, but we still refer to him as Isaiah during this process. Im not sure how to make the conversion ??? His birth mom calls him a Isaiah and the courts will refer to him that way so we have been, but dh and I feel like using Alex (his middle name is alexander) sort of fits with our other childrens names and with our last name better. Our last name is Joyce. so, don't be confused if I say Isaiah once then I say Alex the next time lol. Im kind of scared, Im sure the people caring for him are calling him Isaiah, will it cause problems (for him)if we start calling him Alex when he comes here? I don't hate the name Isaiah, I just might not have chosen it myself. The only reason we are keeping his original name at all is because well...as dh put it he will be losing every other part of his identity, he deserves his name and that will be the one thing he will always have that his birth mother gave to him (other than life obviously) Sorry for the confusion on that. I really don't have a clue what I'm doing anymore
I am sorry, I was just curious. I hope I didn't confuse you more or ask too many questions. I know it's so hard. Hang in there. FWIW, I know people that have changed names and feel strongly about that, then I know people who feel stongly about keeping them. I say go with what you feel in your heart. I think he'll be young enough that it won't make much of a difference Initially, maybe it will later on, I really don't know).
I was curious about Isaiah b/c my sister is currently adopting brothers (ages 2 and 6) and she is wanting to change their names, and one of the names she's chosen is Isaiah. But she's stuggling with the decision too! We wonder about this as well as we are planning to adopt a toddler (not a specific one, but we're searching). Whether we change his/her name or not will depend on a number of factors.
Don't feel bad. I wasn't directing that towards you or anyone else here. I just am coming across more and more that I'd never thought about before. But it's JUST like when you give birth to a baby, all sorts of surprises and new information kwim?
Like I said, I don't hate the name Isaiah, but it doesn't seem to flow well with our last name. I think Alex is a better fit. However, I may FINALLY get to see him and determine that he is in fact an Isaiah after all kiwm?
The reason I was saying I dont know what Im doing anymore is because Im not sure how to feel. I want him to come here, but I dont know how Im going to react if he cant. I want to call him Alex, but I dont want to hurt my Aunts feelings and I dont want to confuse him. I want to start planning and setting things up for him, but I dont know if I could live with having to take it all down and put it all away if he doesnt. So, like I said I just don't know what Im doing anymore. Ive been trying to be hopeful. Trying to have faith. Praying like you wouldn't believe. But doubt sneaks up on me sometimes and then I feel bad, like Im giving up(even though Im not) but you wouldn't think that I'd doubt anything if I truly...I mean TRULY had faith and knew I would fight this until the end. Everyday that passes I feel like Im losing him. I feel like that's another day that we didn't get to bond. Another day that I wonder if he is being loved enough. I get so frustrated and then sad and then doubtful and then I feel guilty like I said. I don't know how some of you have lived this cycle or lived the ups and downs emotionally and are still able to keep it all together. This is the most stressful and most emotionally draining situation I have ever experienced in all of my life. Sorry to ramble. My dh is snoring right now so he is obviously not up for conversation at the moment lol
James 
Mark 
and my Boob-Tick Abigail 
I think that helped a lot. I also nursed her (mostly comfort nursing) for about 8 weeks and I really believed that helped SO much too. 
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