amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Kerri

iTrader: 4 / 100%

I'm wondering if anyone else has adopted older children and can share their experiences.

I guess I want to know how long it will take until she feels like she's ours forever. Right now I still feel like she's a naughty friend staying over. I mean, I absolutely know she's ours, but it doesn't feel permanent. It's hard to explain.

What are the stages of attachment? What kind of behaviours are normal? Expected? Worrisome? I worry about her and the trouble she's causing right now. Yes, you would think our social worker would be able to help me with this, but our agency works with infants, and this adoption was different in that the birthfamily placed an infant and then felt the older sibling should stay with the baby. She keeps saying she's going to send me information, but we've had the kids over 6 weeks now and I haven't seen anything.

Are there websites that talk about adjustment, attachment, behavioural problems, etc.? I'm sure there are, but I haven't found any yet.

Kerri

__________________
Mama to Cole (8), Naomi (7), Adam (7), and Noah (4)
All adopted - All breastfed
Wife to my darling David for over 11 years
Breastfeeding Counsellor and Doula
Waiting to hear back about my midwifery school application.
UPDATE 1/Oct/2009: I Got In. Holy Crap. I Guess We Are Working On Moving To New Zealand In January 2009!

mimmy

iTrader: 0 / 0%

I found this....http://www.olderchildadoption.com/ra...attachment.htm

good luck

__________________
Kathy
Mama to Zachariah (12) & Isaiah (4)

Phoenix~Rose

iTrader: 2 / 100%

Oh boy. What you are feeling is normal normal normal. I got my Sarah when she was 9. She is 13 now.

She doen't feel like yours because..well... bonding is a process. And oh the damage for her, having a new mama at the age of 4. I bet she is feeling abandoned. And she is acting it. How old is the new baby? She probably has sibling rivalry to deal with on top of adoption adjustment....

I am a therapeutic foster mom, so if you need more tips than I gave here, pm me.

What you do with her is similar to what you do with a new baby. Motion (rocking, playing, swinging), sweets and eye contact.LOTS of positive eye contact. In the first year, please do not look at her in anger, at all. Keep all discipline neutral if you can, but the most important is that she always sees love in your eyes. She will learn to trust you. Put her on your lap, look her in the eyes and give her something sweet, but it has to be put in her mouth by you otherwise the value is nil.When a baby drinks a botle or breastfeeds, they can see you and the milk is sweet. This builds neural pathways in the brain that facilitate trust and bonding and growth. The eye contact/sweets thing, done often and combined with touch, will do the same for your older daughter. DO NOT allow ANYONE excpet you or your DH to give her ANYTHING sweet. This is tough and may offend others, but your daughter needs to learn that all good things come form you alone, for a while. When she tantrums, hold her until she is done, hard as that may be. Speak to her in a soothing tone. Just think of her causing trouble as your baby crying. She is asking for you, although not effectively but she is 4. She is hurting mama.....and she needs you so very much.....

Phoenix~Rose

iTrader: 2 / 100%

Could you tell me what the behaviors are that you are worried about?

and try this : http://www.nancythomasparenting.com/About_Us.htm

HTH!