amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

joyfuljourneys · 08-24-2004, 04:46 PM

I am connected through the ministry I worked with for 2 years with the Crisis Pregnancy Center, and I talked with the director about adoption (they had 3 successful local adoptions this last year)..she is going to have the counselor who does the most with the girls who choose adoption call me tomorrow.. (I don't think they handle adoptions themselves, but encourage it as an option, refer out to someone equipped to handle it, and then support the women through that time..)

So what do I need to ask?

Any experiences with open adoption here? My gut tells me that that is the way we need to go. I may be a little jaded, but I am not afraid of having a birth mother in our lives occasionally,,

I guess it is because technically I am a birth mother (gestational surrogate) and I see that family at least once a year, we email all the time, we get his hand-me-downs for Joshua. And while my surrogate baby just turned 5 and doesn't really know his story yet, we worked together to put together a journal of the pregnancy for him, and he will know who I am as soon as it comes up,,right now I am just their cool friend in Colorado they get to see once a year or so,,

So stories? Help..what do I ask about, what do I need to know for step 1?

grlgalileo · 08-25-2004, 10:09 PM

We're adopting through foster care, (both were placed with us as newborns from the hospital) but have been very open with all of the bio-parents of the children that have been in our care and I am so happy that we have done things that way. Our son's birthmother left before he was three months old and so we'll never have contact again... but our daughter's birthmother has been someone that we've had contact with and we're really grateful for each time we get to see her. I say that because she's still using (so our daughter who is only 15 months old does NOT get to see her) and so the contact we have is unpredictable... but I hope for Ruby's sake that we're able to maintain a relationship with her birthmother because that is the woman who holds a piece of her history that I cannot give to her. If not, at least I have all the conversations that we've had so far, and the pictures we've taken so far... and that's much better than a mystery birthmother.

I think the more you read about adoption the more you'll see that you're on the right track, it's amazing how much adopted children think about the fact that they are adopted and so making sure that they know it's ok to talk about it as often as they need to and that you've kept that link there for them seems like the right way to go if at all possible. I read this book "20 things adopted kids wished their parents knew" or something close to that and it was really good.

Best of luck, it's a LONG complicated journey but of course it's all worth every second of it in the end.
Jen

geekmama · 08-27-2004, 10:56 PM

I'm a foster-soon-to-be-adoptive parent. I've had 18 children. Any that I had longer term I had contact with the birth parents. The children that I'm adopting I have a lot of contact with their parents. I prefer open adoption. I think that it's generally better for everyone involved as long as the parents aren't wanting to kidnap their children or hurt the people who adopt them. If you're going to go through a regular adoption agency where the parents are deciding to make an adoption plan for their child then I wouldn't worry about those problems.

I would talk as openly with the birth parents about what you're comfortable with as far as contact. Talk in examples, do they want pictures and/or letters? Do they want to send gifts? Do they want visits? How often. Mostly I wouldn't be too nervous about dealing with them. I deal with parents whose children were taken from them against their will and still we forge a good relationship that will benefit the children as they get older.

Good luck,
Aileen