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Sept 11th.
I was 29 weeks pregnant with Leah on Sept 11th. I still have not tapped on issues from that pregnancy, but I am pledging today to tap on the actual day Sept 11th. My feelings, fears etc. This will be a gift I can give to my daughter, tapping on it from my perspective, then tapping on it form her perspective(surrogately)
I woke up that day early(5am?) with strong contractions. Really strong. I had been on bedrest for 9 weeks with contractions on and off...weekly visits to the Doctor and a trip to the Labor and delivery for contractions. My husband had stayed home form work. I Was waiting for the Doctor's office to open at 9am and I was nervous about how strong the contractions were. So I turned on the TV and saw a video shot of the Towers...just then my MIL called to ask if I heard the news. I was confused, i didn't really know what was going on(I had only seen the shot of the towers)...she explained it to me. She also told me that Her Daughter and family were in Hawaii and I knew her husband was in Korea. Her son also worked at the Pentagon(although I am not sure at that point if we knew about the pentagon)
Of course, I was upset about the World chaos. I also still had to deal with my contractions...I got through to the Doctor's office and they told me to meet them at the hospital. I remember laying on the gurney in Labor and Deilvery and all the staff were in shock. There were no TV"s there (thank goodness) as I Was not in a hospital room. They gave me IV fluids to see if hydration would decrease the strength of the contractions and it did not help. Then the Doctor wanted to try my on Terbutaline(I was already on Procardia). I very reluctantly agreed with lots of thinking and discussion with the MD and dh. I HATED the terbutaline..so did Leah...and it did not help at all. I would not let them give me a second dose. I believe the contractions kind of eased off all on their own.
I remember thinking "please don't let Leah be born today. I don't want her birthday to be today."
I remember thinking what a crazy world we live in. I remember not really being scared for myself at all, but feeling super vulnerable bringing a baby into the world...the baby made me feel vulnerable, not the actual news or craziness in the world. THis in turn made me think; "why am I bringing a child into this world?'
I remember going outside with my husband the next day. It was so beautiful and sunny and clear. There was not one plane overhead. I lived in the boonies, in the desert. It was so quiet. It was the strangest feeling. I kept thinking about Stephen King's book The Stand...the incredible quiet reminded me of that.
Now from Leah's perspective...
Mommy is so scared(AGAIN)
She was scared when I was tiny...in those first 12 weeks that she would loose me, as she had lost my sister before me.
She was scared she would loose me at 12 weeks when she was bleeding...
She was scared at 19 weeks when she was working at the hospital taking care of the patients and having contractions all day long. That was when she quit work and went on bedrest. THe doctor told her not to work or she might loose me.
Everyone was always so worried! I began to get worried too! Why was everyone so worried???? If mommy was worried, if Daddy was worried, and the Doctor was worried, than I should worry too. All the trips to the Doctor, the trips to the hospital...
Then ON Septmeber 11th. Mommy's uterus was really contracting a lot. IT felt so tight! She was scared again. In the hospital they gave me that YUCKY medicine that made my heart beat REALLY fast and made me and mommy feel so strange. I am so glad they didn't give us more of that. YUCK!. Mommy told me everything would be OK..but it did not sound like she even believed herself. She didn't want me born today on September 11th. She thought it would make my birthday's too sad.
Maybe the world is a super scary place? That is what I felt in mommies tummy. The world is so scary and dangerous. Mommy feels helpless. What is going to happen to me if my own mommy feels helpless? How is she going to take care if me if she is so scared and helpless?
Then when I flipped around at 39 weeks...The Doctor told mommy that it was too scary to have me naturally. She did not deliver breech babies...it was too risky ..something about my umblicial cord could prolapse and I could die. Too scary. So they scheduled a ceserean...because they were scared.
The world is scary. Mommy loves me so much, she wants me so much, but the world is a scary place. Mommy is scared and so am I.
(there is more on Leah and her birth..but that is too long for now)
__________________
"If you only believe what you see, then you are limited to what's on the surface. If you only believe what you see, then why do you pay your electric bill?" Dr. Wayne Dyer
Hot, yummy, pretty coffee...NZ style.
 
Last edited by Linda : 09-11-2007 at 07:18 PM.
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