amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

Kbsmama · 07-17-2007, 11:01 AM

Sooo...I disappeared last weekend because we decided to head out and visit my parents on their sailboat about 4 1/2 hours away from where we live. My birthday was Thursday, and they called and wished me a happy birthday and said they were on the boat and we should come and see them. They've had this boat in this port for two years now. We've received lots of invites to go there, and really, never have I ever seriously considered it. So, I figure I must be doing pretty well in general when they ask and I automatically say, "That sounds like fun." They have had about three boats, each one slightly bigger than the last, over the last 10 or 12 years. I usually hesitate to go sailing with them for two reasons: 1. The harbor they are docked in is 4 1/2 hours away. 2. I get seasick just sitting in port.

So, I was surprised at myself for actually wanting to go in the first place. I tapped on the seasickness. I told myself that I was going, and I was going to feel great and have fun. I touched briefly on a fear of water. I nearly drown when I was a kid (maybe 5 or 6). I felt like that was at the core of my seasickness, but I didn't really take the time to tap it out completely.

We didn't take the boat out because of gusty winds the first day. I did fine on the boat, I don't know whether it was the tapping, a fairly quiet harbor, or the fact that this boat is bigger than the last one I was on. The kids fished off the back. We slept on the boat. DS#1 got DH up first thing in the morning to do more fishing. After I got up, both boys were sitting on the dock fishing. They are narrow catwalk-type docks. DH left to go to the bathroom. I was standing in the cockpit holding the baby and DD was at the front of the boat, standing across from the boys on the dock. They had those rocket fishing poles, and DD was saying she was going to shoot hers into the water, but she was pointing it at the boys. DS#1 said, "She's not shooting that thing into the water," stood up, and stepped back off of the dock (not intentionally). I panicked. He yelled for me, he was swimming, but I wasn't even where I could see him. I was looking frantically for a life preserver, but we had put all but the ones attached to the back of the boat down below the night before because it had rained. So, nothing. I yelled at my mom (twice, BTW, before she responded). She immediately came up and grabbed one from the back (which I had completely forgotten about). In the meantime, DS is yelling at me, and I am yelling back saying, "You're OK. Just keep swimming." He stood up on the pole that held the deck up. By then, a couple of guys came from their boats and helped pull him out. DH was down the street and didn't hear anything. My dad was down below, in bed, with a cast on his leg. He had headed up when he heard me yell, but wasn't able to move very fast. On the way down, he had scraped his armpit pretty badly on the dock. He didn't take in any water or anything, thankfully.

Now, I am really bothered by the fact that I really did very little to help my little boy in this situation. I am thankful that it was him and not DD#2 or DD because they don't swim or don't swim well yet. DH came back and wondered why I didn't put the baby down and jump in after him. I will tell you that I didn't even think to do that because I didn't know how much I could help him. It's silly because I am quite capable of swimming, but the thought, frankly terrifies me still. Then I think about what if it had been another child, what if he had hit his head and wasn't down there swimming, what if...? And what if it had taken us 3 or 4 minutes to get to them? UGHH.

So, I am a shaking mess after this. I get him changed and dried off. We find the scrape under his arm and clean it up and put some gauze on it. I don't think Ben comes back until after DS is dressed.

Later, we go sailing. Well, actually, motoring because it turns out there's no wind at all. I was OK above deck, but below reeked of diesel and I did not do well down there. But as we went on, I recognized even more that I am afraid of the water (fortunately for me, it was not a rough trip). Probably adding to my fear is one of the first times I went sailing with my dad and it was so bad that the boat was leaning wayyy over on it's side, and I was certain it was going to flip.

Kbsmama · 07-18-2007, 10:05 AM

I still haven't tapped on this. Of greatest concern to me was, of course, my inability to react when my child was in danger. I was talking to DH about how terrifying it was when that happened, and my what ifs again. I found myself crying. I didn't mention my fear of water.

It occurs to me that boating is not really the ideal vacation activity with four young children. We also visited a small lighthouse with wrought iron stairs (you know, the kind with holes in them?), and the kids were scared. I felt badly, one, because we had put them in that position and didn't even think about the fact that they might be scared. The boys didn't really even want to look over the side when they got to the top. DS#1 said he would have liked it if it weren't for the stairs; he viewed them as slippery. DS #2 pretty much didn't like it, period.
Then I felt badly because I've had these dreams of camping by the lake and going and exploring lighthouses, etc., and I thought, well, I guess that won't be happening...DH assured me that, really, the kids are just too little yet.

Anyway...my rambling is probably OT for this forum. I intend to tap, but I'm not ready to do that yet for some reason (and maybe I need to tap on that!).

Linda · 07-19-2007, 01:19 AM

J~I want to let you know I *just* read this...
I am MORE than happy to tap with you on these issues, yk? It might be safer/easier for you to do it with someone else.

THere are ways/tearless trauma to tap on a scary incident~like almost drowning...guilt over not helping your son more.
Mind you, I am NOT judging you, those are YOUR words, not mine. Thast is what is IMPORTANT. You can write down thoughts and feelings regarding the incident and then tap on each one until it clears. I am sure it will take you back to being a child as well...and guess what...your parents were involved inthis one(you had to call your mom 2X's before she came and healped) so it is dredging up your history with them as a child~iykwim?

I am glad everyone is OK.
Tap, sweetie. I know it is hard. You can tap on the fact that you DON"T want to tap on this 'issue' it will make all the difference.

I just had to tell you...today I was watching a Presentation on the EFT DVD's from someone who treats allergies with EFT. She is NAET trained(that is how I orginally cleared our allergies) and I was getting so worked up watching this womans presentation./ It really triggered a lot of stuff for me. When she said "Wheat is really hard to clear, I have a hard time clearing it, Devi(the founder of NAET) has a hard time clearing it, I just tell people to take it out of their diets, even though I treat it..."
I got all upset...thinking..OK..we eat wheat, we are fine, but she says it is hard to clear, she is an EXPERt...RIGHT?"
So, in the car on the way to pick up Leah, I tapped on "Even though all the allergy experts say wheat is hard to clear..." "Even though I am afraid we are going to be alergic to wheat again' etc etc..
and I feel so.much.better.
I know I need to go back and tap on the fact that I used to feel the same way when my mother would describe something as black and white(LIke I say it is this way, therefore it IS and I am the only one who is right)...but I took the intensity out of the wheat issue.

Linda · 07-19-2007, 01:49 AM

Here is a good article n using EFT on a specific trauma/incident

An EFT Formula for Specific Trauma

Linda · 07-19-2007, 02:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kbsmama

I still haven't tapped on this. Of greatest concern to me was, of course, my inability to react when my child was in danger. I was talking to DH about how terrifying it was when that happened, and my what ifs again. I found myself crying. I didn't mention my fear of water.

It occurs to me that boating is not really the ideal vacation activity with four young children. We also visited a small lighthouse with wrought iron stairs (you know, the kind with holes in them?), and the kids were scared. I felt badly, one, because we had put them in that position and didn't even think about the fact that they might be scared. The boys didn't really even want to look over the side when they got to the top. DS#1 said he would have liked it if it weren't for the stairs; he viewed them as slippery. DS #2 pretty much didn't like it, period.
Then I felt badly because I've had these dreams of camping by the lake and going and exploring lighthouses, etc., and I thought, well, I guess that won't be happening...DH assured me that, really, the kids are just too little yet.

Anyway...my rambling is probably OT for this forum. I intend to tap, but I'm not ready to do that yet for some reason (and maybe I need to tap on that!).

your kids probably are too little still for this stuff. But on a practical side, teching them to swim?(all of them) and when you tiny one gets bigger then you can all do water stuff. Or when by the water, on a dock, in a boat, wear life vests. BUmmer on the iron railing...that just made it all worse, yK?

When you clear YOUR fear of water, you might be more clear on your family IYKWIM? I mean your fears are clouding the picture right now.

Also, I am sure your kids sense your fears as well.

For context, neither of my kids can swim(yet, we are working on it

), but I am thinking of taking them kayaking, with life vests. But neither dh or I are afraid of water.

On your inablitly to react? was that really it?(obviously that is something for you since you mentioned it

) It sounded like you kept him in view, kept talking to him and called for help as well as looked for life preservers? You had a babe in arms right?

Kbsmama · 07-19-2007, 09:30 AM

I did have the baby in my arms. DH suggested that I could/should have put the baby down and jumped in. I guess that's where I started feeling like I had failed to do the right thing, but, again, I am not sure how much help I would be IN the water (especially because the space to move was small). The best bet was, likely, to get him out, especially because he was swimming. I could not see him from where I was. I could hear him, and was talking with him.

If I had found the life rafts, I would have been with him sooner.

Again, here, I get freaked out when I start thinking about, what if it had been one of the youngers? Liam can swim, but I don't know about under duress. Molly really can't yet. And, what if he had hit his head? I guess there is fear that if I needed to, I wouldn't have responded correctly, not so much that I didn't do what I needed to in this particular case, YK?

I don't know...I might have been inclined to start tapping on it, but some issues with my MIL came up....

Linda · 07-19-2007, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kbsmama

I did have the baby in my arms. DH suggested that I could/should have put the baby down and jumped in. I guess that's where I started feeling like I had failed to do the right thing, but, again, I am not sure how much help I would be IN the water (especially because the space to move was small). The best bet was, likely, to get him out, especially because he was swimming. I could not see him from where I was. I could hear him, and was talking with him.

If I had found the life rafts, I would have been with him sooner.

Again, here, I get freaked out when I start thinking about, what if it had been one of the youngers? Liam can swim, but I don't know about under duress. Molly really can't yet. And, what if he had hit his head? I guess there is fear that if I needed to, I wouldn't have responded correctly, not so much that I didn't do what I needed to in this particular case, YK?

I don't know...I might have been inclined to start tapping on it, but some issues with my MIL came up....

This is one of those incidents with a whole line up of aspects like my miscarriage....
starting with your fear of water and your child falling in...
then your dh telling you you did not do something 'right' like a parent, teaacher, etc...
the guilt of a parent...'what if he had hit his head and drowned? I didn't help him...what if it was one of the kids who can't swim?
the MIL issue etc.

you can break it down in to pieces/aspects.
the thing is, you have the tool to tap on these issues. You are safe to face them.
if you had a physical feeling when you were scared for you sun, a feeling in your chest, your gut or somewhere else, you can tap on the physical side first and see where it gets you.

visiting with family always brings up a suitcase full of issues...

IN any case.

Deborah · 07-23-2007, 02:20 PM

Hey Jody,
This is so ON track for this forum. This is a real life example of a trauma (at many levels) that EFT can neutralize. Water issues are huge! And so is mom's guilt. I'll p.m. you as well ...
Hugs,
Deb.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kbsmama

I still haven't tapped on this. Of greatest concern to me was, of course, my inability to react when my child was in danger. I was talking to DH about how terrifying it was when that happened, and my what ifs again. I found myself crying. I didn't mention my fear of water.

It occurs to me that boating is not really the ideal vacation activity with four young children. We also visited a small lighthouse with wrought iron stairs (you know, the kind with holes in them?), and the kids were scared. I felt badly, one, because we had put them in that position and didn't even think about the fact that they might be scared. The boys didn't really even want to look over the side when they got to the top. DS#1 said he would have liked it if it weren't for the stairs; he viewed them as slippery. DS #2 pretty much didn't like it, period.
Then I felt badly because I've had these dreams of camping by the lake and going and exploring lighthouses, etc., and I thought, well, I guess that won't be happening...DH assured me that, really, the kids are just too little yet.

Anyway...my rambling is probably OT for this forum. I intend to tap, but I'm not ready to do that yet for some reason (and maybe I need to tap on that!).

Deborah · 07-23-2007, 02:23 PM

Linda,
As an FYI --
I trained with Sandi (the allergy person you mention) and completely disagree with her on the wheat. That's her personal experience (and she's seen it in clients) and I think it's tied to her belief system. I think it's limiting and don't agree. I also get the underlying issue for you was figuring out what's true for you when an expert has a different opinion. But I did want to add my two cents (for now!)
Hugs,
Deb.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linda

I just had to tell you...today I was watching a Presentation on the EFT DVD's from someone who treats allergies with EFT. She is NAET trained(that is how I orginally cleared our allergies) and I was getting so worked up watching this womans presentation./ It really triggered a lot of stuff for me. When she said "Wheat is really hard to clear, I have a hard time clearing it, Devi(the founder of NAET) has a hard time clearing it, I just tell people to take it out of their diets, even though I treat it..."
I got all upset...thinking..OK..we eat wheat, we are fine, but she says it is hard to clear, she is an EXPERt...RIGHT?"
So, in the car on the way to pick up Leah, I tapped on "Even though all the allergy experts say wheat is hard to clear..." "Even though I am afraid we are going to be alergic to wheat again' etc etc..
and I feel so.much.better.
I know I need to go back and tap on the fact that I used to feel the same way when my mother would describe something as black and white(LIke I say it is this way, therefore it IS and I am the only one who is right)...but I took the intensity out of the wheat issue.