amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

JodiM · 09-26-2004, 01:49 AM

Some of you know I have been having alot of problems with Lucas, nursing, thrush, me on meds, etc.

I have been feeding Lucas and then supplementing him whatever he needed, and he cries *all* the time it seems like, he nurses for close to a hour, and then he'll eat a ounce of formula, then he's up again in about 20 minutes, hungry again.

My husband just told me that he doesn't want me to breastfeed the baby any more .... that he thinks he's not getting enough, and it's just too much on all of us.

I am really upset with him, I mean, honestly, it's not HIS body, it's mine.... and MY body is the one who went through all the work for this baby. NOT him.

I know he should have a say in this, and I know we have been struggling, and I'm having lots of problems, but I should be the one to say when I'm done.

I don't know, this whole thing has been really hard on me, it has always been 1 problem after the other, and now this.

I have tried reasoning with him, but he is firm, and says no way.

Dh hardly ever tells me no about anything, and it's really wierd he's doing it this time... but when he says it, he always means it. And he's too stubborn to back down.

I am sooo upset about this... I know it might be for the best, as I have been bleeding from my nipples again, and my poor baby screams soo much.... but I think it's too soon to stop.

I'm sorry, I just had to vent, my mother is being no help as she agrees with Ben, as it's in the "best interest of my health, and the baby's"

mrsinchworm · 09-26-2004, 02:10 AM

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with bfing....I can totally relate to how difficult it is...my dd never was able to latch and I pumped for 5 months before my supply went too low and we had to switch over to formula and it broke my heart. But my dd is fine and smart as a whip....you do what you can. If you think you can keep trying, then keep trying and don't worry about what anyone else says. They can deal....you are the mother and YOU know what is best. But if you have exhausted your efforts and have tried everything you could but it is too much on you and on the baby, then just switch over. You know, you could make your own formula too, you don't have to use the canned store bought stuff. There are lots of recipes for all natural formula made with exceptional ingredients. I did it for a while, but then dd ended being allergic to some of the ingredients so we stopped. But she did like the homemade stuff as far taste and it kept her satisfied longer than the regular store bought formula. Just an idea...hang in there mama....you are doing a great job just by trying to consider what is best for baby AND for you. Get well...

Mama2miracles · 09-26-2004, 03:35 AM

I'm sorry he's not being more supportive Jodi - I do know how that feels as my dh has said many times through out my struggle to bf the twins that he would rather I wasn't. I've got support from him basically by costing formula - esp hypoallergenic times 2 babies. Our 2 year old has many allergies so if she hasn't been bf - would have had to have the hypoallergenic formula. So he has put up with this due to the cost. Though he even went so far to say with the last run of mastitis/thrush that he's *praying* that the twins will wean soon.

He also seems to think that I will magically get my pre-twins body and energy back as soon as I am not bf-ing.

Any chance he would be more o.k. with you double pumping and bottle-feeding? I know I would have been sunk without my double pump through all of this. When it was too painful to nurse - it was often easier and less painful to pump and then bottlefeed. Esp if you use olive oil to lubricate things. My pump paid for itself in the first month of use - for what formula would have cost. I have an Ameda Purely Yours. I do think it's your body and should be your choice though. My dh isn't really happy (other than the $ savings) about my bf-ing and all the stress with pumping, latch issues, thrush, mastitis, and plugged ducts - but no way would he try and say I couldn't bf'd. Though initially - he didn't want me to at all (with my 1st) but after the childbirth classes wanted me to for 6 weeks only for the immune benefits and then go to bottles - but then she wouldn't take bottles.

artymama · 09-26-2004, 06:37 AM

Hi Jodi,

Sounds like you are javing a pretty tough time and not getting enough support. In Australia, we have the Australian Breastfeeding Association and in nearly every shire there is a support group. They also have 24hour free phone support and counselling. Do you have anything like that near you.
I had a lot of problems feeding my dd and ended up pumping and feeding aswell as bf. I had thrush, cracked nipples, was told she wasn't getting enough etc etc. I wish I had known about support groups then.
If you can find a group or a lactation consultant, pp doula etc, they should be able to help with latching on, which should help with your supply and nipples.
Maybe you could explain to your dh that giving up feeding is not necessarily in the best interest for you. You seem very dedicated to bfing and if you stop because of your dh then it could really effect the way you feel about yourself and your baby. It could also mix up your hormones etc.
I really feel for you and I hope that everything will work out really soon. You and Lucas know what is best for you.
How old is he? Could it be his sucking reflex, not that he is necessarily hungry?
It is so great that you are putting in so much effort.

Maybe you've already tried this, but I found the link to different LLL groups.
http://www.lalecheleague.org/WebUS.html

Love Abby

JodiM · 09-26-2004, 06:42 AM

Shilowe, where can I get recipes for natural formula?
We even tried to get natural/organic for him, but they only sell it for toddlers.

Cheryl, I have a mini electric and a medela double pump... but haven't tried pumped lately (as he was nursing all day anyway)
I'm hoping Ben will be more reasonable this morning.

And I don't want everyone to think he is agains bf'ing... he was very supportive the first few weeks, and the whole 15mths Adriana nursed.
He was even disappointed when she didn't nurse until at least 2.

Which is why this is sooo strange to me.

I'm hoping he is just a bit stressed over Lucas crying alot yesterday and will 'see the light' today.

I hate to give up bf'ing, but I also don't think I can go against my husbands wishes.
Especially since he rarely ever tells me not to do something.

MyThreeSuns · 09-26-2004, 06:43 AM

Jodi, Sean used to do that too! It turned out that he was a really gassy babe, and had a tummy ache all the time, so he would want to keep eating all the time. Why he thought eating would help, I have no clue. LOL
Is Lucas a gassy babe? By you sig pic, he certainly doesn't look like he isn't thriving!
Man, that sucks when you don't have support from your spouse.

JodiM · 09-26-2004, 06:50 AM

Abby, we do have a group similar to that.
Sadly our biggest issue now is supply, as we've tackled most of the others. (I'm on pills for supply)

Jody, he is gassy, but I don't think that's it... as with the formula he sleeps better, and doesn't cry hardly at all. Not to mention he is in a better mood all over.

To tell the truth, it kind of makes me feel like crap that he does so much better with it.

Ocelot · 09-26-2004, 09:16 AM

Not to state the obivious but have you cut out all dairy?
That made all the difference for us as far as fussiness.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard esp. when you are post pardum and have a wee babe to care for. I hope nursing gets easier for you! But please remember whatever you decide your baby will be fine

harvestgirl · 09-26-2004, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JodiM

I know he should have a say in this, and I know we have been struggling, and I'm having lots of problems, but I should be the one to say when I'm done.

I have tried reasoning with him, but he is firm, and says no way.
[/i]

i apologize if i seem blunt or curt in saying this..but those statements above just seem absurd to me. (what he said, not you saying what he said..lol)

WHY should your dh have a say in whether you BF or not? i mean, it IS your body & for pete's sake it is the BEST nutrition for your babe.

i just don't understand that at all. i have been following you story abit, so if i am misinformed , sorry.

why are you supplementing? how do you know that WHAT you are supplementing with isn't what is causing your babe to wake, etc.....could it be refulx probs that is waking him up?

i am SO sorry you are going thru this, i truly am. but under NO circumstances i wouldn't let my dh dictate to me how i fed my baby.

Kathy · 09-26-2004, 09:28 AM

Well I think he thinks this is the easy solution. He sees you and the baby upset and just figures if he goes on a bottle it will make things easier for everyone.

Trouble is you don't know if that will stop him from fussing.

sweet~potato · 09-26-2004, 09:36 AM

I'm sorry you are feeling so unsupported right now. Bf'ing is sometimes hard enough, then add no support and things can feel really tough.

Do you think that something you might be eating is making your little one gassy? I'm sure there is list somewhere of foods that can cause gassiness in babies ~ anyone know?

Do you think your dh would be happier if you pumped and fed ds from a bottle so you would know exactly how much he is getting, or maybe feed him a certain amount of breastmilk by bottle and then top him off with formula? Just some things that came to my mind. I really hope things get better for you, ds and dh.

artymama · 09-26-2004, 09:37 AM

Hi Jodi,

Was just about to go to bed ( it's almost midnight here) and I couldn't stop thinking about you. All of a sudden a thought came to mind, a supply line. Have you tried one? I hadn't even heard of them till I did my doula training.
It is a tiny tube attached to a bag or bottle. You can use expressed breastmilk, though that's hard with low suppli if that's the problem, or formula. You line it up with your nipple and while Lucas feeds he will get breastmilk and whatever is in the bag or bottle, while also stimulating your milk. It is a great tool for building up your supply and also keeping the closeness between you and Lucas. It may help your dh not to be so stressed about it and give your body a chance to relax and enjoy.
I have heard of lots of mamas of adopted babies using them, women that have not lactated before and they end up feeding, or partially feeding, their babies.

I too would check out the dairy thing, it's one of the most common "crying" problems I hear of.

I also agree with the fact that it is up to you, not your dh. There are a lot of things I would compromise on with dh, but not bfing. It is your body, your baby and the best for him.

Hope all works out.
many blessings
Abby

beanandpumpkin · 09-26-2004, 10:40 AM

Jodi, maybe your dh is seeing how upset/stressed out you are about the whole thing and thinks formula feeding would make it easier on you. Not to excuse him, or to say that he is right, but maybe that's why he's feeling like that.

I'm sure you are working with a lactation consultant or something (and if not, please fine one! Mine helped me immensely!), but I just wanted to bring up one more issue it could be: When Rebecca was a month or so old she wasn't gaining weight well and was very gassy/pukey. I eliminated all dairy and it seemed to help some, but not a whole lot. At the advice of my LC, I started treating it as oversupply (oversupply of foremilk and not enough hindmilk). I fed her on one side per 2 or 3 hours...so if she ate at 8:00 and 10:00, it would only be on the left side, and then all feedings from 10:30 or so until 1:00 would be on the right. Within a week she was gaining weight again and the vomiting decreased greatly. Just a thought.

Good luck with this...I know it's so hard to make the decision to go to formula. I had to do it with my son after my supply went down...he did end up having some issues with it, and if I knew then what I know now....but that was 3 years ago, and he's fine now.

I hope it all works out for you.

Michelle

lifetapestry · 09-26-2004, 11:12 AM

I'm really sorry that things are so hard for you now, and I hope you find the right solution for you.

I wonder if it might be useful for you and him to not only think about what will get your family some relief right now, but what will be best for you and the baby in the long run. Of course, when you look at it in the long run, there is no question that breast is best. Of course baby's comfort is important now, but building his immune system for a healthy future (including reducing his risk for disease like diabetes) is important as well. BFing is also the most important thing you can do to reduce ear infections in childhood, as well as colds and viruses. If he's a physically healthier infant that will reduce the stress on your family as well. If you put him on formula and then he starts to pick up all those colds your kids are bring home, you won't be getting much rest either. I think you have to weigh the positives and negatives right now, but also consider how those might play out 2 weeks from now, or 2 months from now, or 2 years from now.

When I look back on my nursing relationship (still ongoing with my 3 year old), there were so many times that I was so glad that I was nursing, including when I was on my first airplane trip and the plane was taking off, when he had a terrible GI bug as a 1 year old, when he had a bad cold last year, and when he and I spent 2 weeks this summer without his Dad.

HTH,
Karla

PoetMom · 09-26-2004, 12:31 PM

You're getting LOTS of support for continuing to breastfeed, and I think that's wonderful. I nursed my first son to 2 yrs, 9 months in spite of working full time from 3 months on -- I had a great pump. We also faced thrush - 3 times -- but never to the degree you did. We overcame a lot in the first few months -- but then things smoothed out and got a LOT better. He also was never a LONG sleeper, but he was a regular sleeper. So we had some stuff going for us.

Now I just want to offer the opposing experience and frankly I don't care if I get flamed off the board.

With the twins it was a whole 'nother ball of wax. Until you've had two children who are physcially miserable before and after every nursing session, who are SO hungry and then turn around and puke it all up -- I tried cutting out anything and everything and the only thing that made a difference was cutting out chocolate. But it didn't solve anything. They just didn't scream for quite as long. My sanity and that of my family's was toast. It was a horrendous strain on my marriage. It was my body, yes, but I was my husband's wife, those were HIS children puking and screaming and not sleeping, and that was HIS older child who wasn't getting the attention he deserved either.

He never said I should quit, but he urged me -- strongly -- to consider the alternatives.

In our case we knew the kids had a pretty evil case of reflux and Enfamil AR was designed to address that. I tried it for ONE day and the difference was amazing. I went back to nursing them the next day and the projectile vomitting and screams began all over again. It wasn't anything IN the milk -- it was its consistency. The formula was thicker, heavier. They threw it up, too, but in much smaller quantities.

And so I quit -- it was the most heart-wrenching decision I can ever recall making that first year. I was just devastated that I hadn't been able to provide for them in the same way I had for their older brother.

But jeez louise -- they slept, they smiled, they gained weight. I slept, I could read to my firstborn again because the twins weren't screaming, and I could dare to take the group out in public again -- key for us because my husband's job took him from home so much.

I didn't trust home-made formula although I did consider it. The protein to carb balance in breastmilk is really unusual and very hard to reproduce with natural ingredients. Your mileage may vary. I don't discourage you from investigating it. We did Enfamil AR until the boys were about 7 months old and their reflux began to get better. Then, after doing a lot of research, I switched them to ordinary Target formula. (Which is made by a company that has been around just as long as Enfamil and Similac) And again, they thrived.

It was our experience that they weren't sick any more than big brother. That was just our experience. Actually, big brother was sick much more often than the twins, but I attribute that entirely to his daycare experience. Ben and Milo were rarely sick until Max started first grade and began bringing home more germs. They weren't any sicker than Max was though (with the illnesses he brought home).

It *is* your body and you *do* have the final word, but parenting and marriage is a team sport and while that does NOT mean you have to quit here, if does mean noone can call you foolish for not taking his opinion into consideration.

But how stressful for you, mama. {{{{hugs}}}} This too shall ALL pass. Blessings upon your decision.

Alaska