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I experianced some gross negativity on my vacation, it's sad the way people think.
We went to visit dh's family, whom we haven't seen in 2.5 years. Every time we've gone to visit, his sister, mother and aunt make a big deal out of me breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding (and tandem-oh my!). It's sort of a novelty, since none of them have ever done it. They make jokes and comments. I laugh at first, I can see humor in it, it's cute.
This time, I was ready to punch somebody.
His sister couldn't go 3 minutes without saying something like "See, I get my baby's milk from a can and he's still alive!" or "Oh, how nice it is to throw this poopy diaper in the trash!" or "I'm not afraid to spank my kids!" I didn't say anything to provoke this. I feel to each their own. I never preached to her about any of these issues. I didn't argue with her when she insisted that the formula was the same thing as breastmilk because the can says "nutrients found in breastmilk". I kept my mouth shut when she said "I get mine from a can, and once you're 6 months old, I say 'no more!, you get cow's milk' that sh*t's too expensive to do it for a year!" I know it's pointless to argue, I won't change her mind, she won't change mine. So, why did I have to listen to this NON-STOP?? She kept saying crap like she needed to convince me or herself that she was doing an ok job with her kids. Like, I was SO threatening because I do things differently. I don't act self-righteous, I don't judge. She doesn't think it's all that important to use car seats, well I do. I didn't say a word. But she sees my 5 year old in a carseat and goes on and on about how her kids are just fine and happy without them.
I shouldn't even mention the crap his aunt said (but I will! I need to get this out!)
"OH MY GOD!! Shannon!! what are you thinking????" (in regards to breastfeeding my one year old)
"OH for heaven's sake!! What is your problem??!!" (in regards to breastfeeding my 3 year old)
"Oh my God, that's just disgusting!!!!" (in regards to cloth diapers)
She says these things very loudly.
Why do people think that this is an acceptable way to treat a family member, a guest, a fellow mother?
I've never experianced such negativity. I've never had anyone say such things to me. I've never been made to feel like I'm stupid and don't know any better because I have different choices. I've never wanted to cry, scream and fight so badly in my life. I'm very disappointed in my in-laws.
I learned that there are people out there who are very insecure in their choices. I learned that there are people that think they can say anything they want to someone that they assume has no feelings.
I learned that I'm VERY happy we don't live near his family, and we only see them every few years.
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Shannon- mama to JJ, Janae and Peyton
Where was your husband while this was going on? Couldn't he have stepped forward at some point and said, "Enough!"
If he wasn't there to know, could he write them a letter now that says, "Let me know when you're done being a defensive jerk so we can visit again . . ."
Only, you know, far more diplomatically
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Alaska So proud of my 7th grader and 1st graders My feedback
I made the sweater, too.
I don't know why some people get so defensive when others choose to make different life choices from thier own. I so understand the position you are in. I had the same situation because I hs my kids. Certain members of my family saw it as a personal affront to thier life choices and went on and on about WHY they do the things they do, and honestly - I couldn't give a who if they hs or ps thier kids or not. I can only concentrate on my own issues. They went on and on until it finally turned into a shouting match - and I NEVER said one word about what they should do with thier kids. Sigh.... family can be so difficult, because they feel they have a right to say things that would be better off unsaid. {{{HUGS}}} sounds like you didn't have much fun.
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Delpha
Homeschooling Sahm to 2 boys - Devin Grey 10!, and Logan Dale 3, happily married to Casey
Location: The mountains, the plains, wherever my road my lead me...
Posts: 8,333
I'm so sorry mama. Honestly, you did the right thing by taking the high road and letting them blather on showing their own ignorance, but I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
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lorraine, mama to my sweet baby boy
Wow, Shannon...that must have been SUCH an un-fun trip! I am so sorry.
Honestly, I would never go back. I mean, a comment here and there I could handle, but there is no reason to subject yourself to that kind of non-stop harrassment. It's unprovoked negativity, and why should you use up your good energies battling that??
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Laura, mama to Abel, age 9!
~my 2 favorite boys~
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
Oh, I am sooo sorry they said such rude things! I don't know how you kept quiet. I hate confrontation, but if I were under such attack I would either leave immediately or be nasty right back and start making little comments to them. Hugs to you, momma.
__________________ Patti - Momma to Beth (2/02), Dom (10/03), and Lily (12/05)
I too am sorry you were treated like that. IMO it only shows their ignorance.
I doubt I would ever see them again if they felt they could be so snide to me.
And I used formula with both of my kids and even I know breast is best, but it sucks when someone attacks you for your parenting choices/needs. The SIL obviously has problems if she felt the need to point out all the things SHE does and you don't.
{{{HUGS}}}
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Toni, UNC Tarheel Lovin' Mommy to Bailey, Caleb, and Daisy!
I would not have been able to bite my tongue. No way. Especially with the carseat comment. I mean, sure formula feeding probably won't kill a kid but not putting him in a carseat WILL if you get in an accident. It has nothing to do with being happy. It's about safety. I'm sorry, but your ILs sound like a bunch of idiots.
__________________ I've Been BOO'D!!!!
~Sarah~Single Momma to Reese~ 4-30-02~ My Feedback!
you do threaten them!!! you make them feel they are wrong because they have some idea that some (not all) of waht they do is not the best but the easiest...
my SIL who makes similiar comments and is prg. w/#3 recently asked me about my ds and his attachment to me or preferience for his dad. in my answer blah blah blah....he nursed for 20mo...blah blah blah....she says"wow, he'll be really healthy" and she doesn't nurse her babies more then 2 months.. my dh says its an old wives tale..LOL LOL..then he realized what he had said and how far 'modern' women have come from the knowledge of their mothers.
I'm sorry you went through that. I'm proud of you for not sneezing in their food and swirling their toothbrushes in the toilet. Good for you for not chucking that big ol' can of Carnation at sil's head and laying his aunt out on her @ss.
You did better than I could have--but you've always been one cool cucumber, chica.
I love yo' freaky slinging, National Geographic boobied, birkenstock wearing, hairy legged, brown-sporting ass. So there.
And for next time, this is a very effective way to stop those cows in their tracks. As SOON as one of them opens her pie-hole about breastmilk, nursing, tandem nursing, extended nursing, slinging, co-sleeping, gentle parenting, carseats, or any other thing you don't want to hear about--cut her off with a very firm:
"My parenting practices are not up for discussion. I do not owe you an explanation for the choices we make." And walk away. And if they bring it up again, say it again verbatim. Over and over and over. Verbatim. They'll get sick of it and eventually leave you alone.
(((Shannon))) Love ya, sunshine.
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Cami, mom to some kids and wife to a guy
Last edited by BunnyMcFluff : 07-03-2004 at 02:03 PM.
i've come to the conclusion that the people that voice the strongest, loudest opinions are the ones that are least secure with the choices they've made.
i'm so sorry you had to listen to all that crap on your vacation.
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The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children. Dietrich Bonhoeffer
That's terrible that they were so rude to you. I am also very non-confrontational so when someone has made a comment like that to me I usually just listen politely and then continue what I am doing. Then dh hears all about it when we get home. I don't understand why people have to make comments when what you are doing has no connection to their lives. You sound like a great mama to me.
__________________ ~Karen
Mom to Evan so happy to be 8
and a new little one due at the end of Jan 2009
Location: somewhere between complete exhaustion and utter euphoria
Posts: 5,858
Re: I experianced some gross negativity on my vacation, it's sad the way people think.
Quote:
Originally posted by tandemmama
I learned that there are people out there who are very insecure in their choices. I learned that there are people that think they can say anything they want to someone that they assume has no feelings.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I think everyday she is not reminded of how she should be parenting. However, even if you were not meaning to, you were throwing it in her face that she is not good enough (her feelings, not nec truth). Many are threatened by differences. For the most part it is because they are insecure in themselves or know they should be doing it differently. My mom takes my parenting to mean she did it wrong.
((((Mama)))))
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Michelle
-- Mom to Beth, 11 and Sam, 8
sorry you had to deal w/ them. i think i wouldnt go back unless dh was willing to go to battle for you.
I don't understand why people have to make comments when what you are doing has no connection to their lives. You sound like a great mama to me.
so happy to be 8
and Sam, 8 
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