Attached Mamas Working Outside the HomeDo you face the unique challenges of balancing your career with your children? Come on in and talk with other moms who find ways to make their situation work for the whole family.
Can anyone relate to just feeling crazy all the time?
Hello working mamas!
I am very grateful to have the best of both worlds. My best friend and I share childcare - I get the boys 2 days/week and she gets 'em 2 days/week so that I am able to continue at my job 20 hours/week. PLUS, I have THE BEST BOSS in the world. He way cares more about me - and about my family - so much more than he cares about deadlines and such.
But - the back-and-forth of staying home with energetic boys one day, then "acting" (that's how I feel) like a professional the next day - plus all the weekly keeping-up-with-the-house - I just plain forget sutff and lose stuff all the time! And then there's those times when my husband is like< "are you ok? because you seem to be really out-of-it lately." And he HATES it when I'm "out-of-it."
So I try to fake it and not look so out-of-it! But then, underneath it all, I have this FEAR - becuase I am 4th in line after 3 generations of crazy women - and I get nervous that's where I'm headed.
So what do ya'll do to keep your sanity? I'm already taking lots of B vitamins, and just trying to get enough sleep....
May I ask how long have you been in this situation when you felt you have to juggle many things?
The reason I am asking is that - it settles. No, it does not all of a sudden become calm and serene (I wish!), but we develop a certain rythm, iykwim.
However if you have been at it for years and still feel like you are going crazy - you might have too much on your plate!
To answer how I keep my sanity... many ways.
Exercise.
Sleep.
Get out - all by yourself, or with friends, even if for an hour to change the scenery.
Baths with candles around help me. Or just candles when I have a chance to have my 1/2 glass of wine at the end of a long day.
Music (now rediscovering the importance of it)
I write a "plan for the day". One at work, one at home on a dry-eraze board. Then cross stuff out as it gets done. It helps not to keep all that in your head.
And another one you probably don't expect - slack off sometimes. AKA - give yourself a break. Delegate. Kitchen does not have to be spotless - you sanity is more important. Trash can wait until your DH gets to it. Once in a while TV dinner is OK. Once in a while a DVD to keep kids entertained is OK.
And may be heart-to-heart talk to DH is in order. Yes, you feel "out of it". Can he help? Maybe just by listening and understanding? May be by picking up something to give you that precious 15min breather?
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Irina,
Mom to Matt 08/87 Valerie 07/00
Yes - I have had times when things have settled, it's just that as soon as I catch my breath, something else changes and... here we go again! I think it's specifically hard on me the way I switch back and forth between being at home and being at work. When I spend a day at home, I often wish that I could stay home the next day too. But then when I have a good work day, I wish I didn't have to stay home the day after that!
And as a family, we are getting steadily better at planning a night off for mommy each week, and working together to keep the household running smoothly and orderly.
I remember back when I was pregnant when I started getting loopy. Everyone said it was hormones and stuff - and everybody I knew that was pregnant too was loopy too. I knew it would get worse adjusting to a newborn - especially missing out on sleep, but I had expected that I would have gotten over it now. (BUT, then again, my 2yo is only now starting to sleep through the night!)
It's not that I'm unhappy - I am having a blast being a mom and I love my work too, and I've got a great marriage. But I get so frustrated when I can't find stuff, or when I forget important stuff that I was supposed to do (and my lists didn't help me for whatever reason). And in those moments when I'm late for work because I just can't figure out for the life of me where my glasses are (when we have a small house, which happens to be very clean at the moment, with very little clutter around... and I still can't find them!) I just feel like I've lost my mind.
Thanks for sharing what you do - I know for sure that getting more consistent with my exercise will help - I always feel so clear-minded (and powerful!) after a good power walk!
Hey! I just saw in your profile that you're an engineer! What kind of engineer? I'm a landscape architect in a multidisciplinary firm, and so I'm always sharing and trading responsibilities with our civil engineers.
I would be 3rd generation female to go down the slippery slope of dementia, beginning at menopause. The women in my family are prone to hormonal imbalances in a major way - I am so much like my mother, it is almost a given. However, I know what to do when the time comes so can get the meds etc I need and my family knows to gently nudge me if I start acting weird, and drag me kicking, if need be, if I am unwilling.
But I am not there yet.
My point though is you can develop a plan so you don't have to worry about the genetic stuff.
As far as getting loopy, I too lose my keys, my shoes, my purse, etc on a regular basis. I put things down or drop things because I have forgotten I was holding it. I work full time, am currently a single mom, to four kids - including two teens that have been a little wild lately.
I love all the areas of my life. I do keep in mind the following:
- I keep clutter to a minimum - less to lose
- I have a place for all the important things and I make sure those things (keys, glasses, etc) are there
- I pay all my bills a month in advance so I don't have to freak if something wild happens and I get distracted for a week
- I run regularly, eat well, and have a bedtime that I stick too
- I cut out ALL activities for the little ones and me for Mon - Thurs. I work, we eat, we play together a little, and go to bed
- I make sure I always keep up with dishes and laundry every day. The house can get messy - teens clean it on the weekend
- and lastly, I cut myself some slack and KNOW that I am ok - I get a little loopy because it is my personality, I am very busy, and juggling a gazillion things at a time.
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Jeni - wife to a great guy and mama to 3 at home plus one adult child who is expecting Feb -09!
You are one smart mama, Irina! Thanks again for sharing!
And Jeni - (love your name btw!) I appreciate you mentioning cutting yourself some slack. I think that's one thing I'm really not doing for myself. Anytime I do something loopy, I just feel so much pressure inside over it. When I have one of those really crazy moments when I've got 2 toddlers running around and I'm trying to get everything together and get everybody in the car to go do something important (I've actually taken 2 toddlers with me to go work out on a site a couple of times!) and when I can't find my keys, I tell myself stuff like "I'm losing my mind!" and that's probably not so good.
I know too, that the women before me in my family gave themselves so much to their families early on, and I think they just wore themselves out in a very bad way - and so I have to be careful not to repeat that trend!
Last night I had a breakthrough with how I'm feeling! It started with a breakdown... isn't that how it usually works?!
Long day at work, picked up my son to waste time b/c Daddy got a new amp needed alone time to set it up and test it. So we ran some random errands, and little boy was NOT into it. By the time I got home, I was mentally depleted - couldn't even deal with unloading the car from the day!
As we went to bed, DH asked me where the cell phone was, because we share one instead of paying for two. I told him it was still in the car... turned out he'd missed a call, and he wasn't happy about that. DH is REALLY into staying connected - and that's just not my thing. We've had a few "discussions" on this issue. I've really tried to do better, but with little result.
So he said to me, "I'm not mad, but I've missed a few calls lately."
Normally I try to be gentle and patient, but this time... "Fine. Why don't we just plan on you always having the cell phone from now on." After that, silence for a long time. When he initiated, I just told him the truth was, I simply could not keep up with one more detail in my day. Period. No room left in my brain. Sorry.
And I went on to tell him how busy that brain of mine has been this week, and how I feel like it's just going to explode! And trying to do everything I do and do it perfectly causes me great anxiety and I was close to my limit in that area.
(Did I mention I have the best DH in the world?) He had every right to fire back at me, but instead, he apologized. He apologized for being grumpy around the house for the last few weeks instead of being encouraging and supportive of me. He told me what a great job I'm doing in a very detailed way, and told me that it was totally fine when I missed things like this. He told me he would try to do better in the future so I didn't feel like the buck stopped with me and my performance on so many things. Let me tell you - I catch a glimpse of understanding of God's grace through my husband, and I am so grateful for him!
And as we talked, I saw how much I degrade myself in my mind, how much I notice all my mistakes and make such a big deal out of them in my head that I can't even notice the things I do well. So - it looks like that's the problem right there, and I can work with that.
I'm so grateful for my husband. AND I AM IN AWE of all you mamas out there who work and take care of your kids solo. YOU ARE AMAZING!
Location: "the stars are matter, we're matter, but it doesn't matter."
Posts: 3,016
I can relate! Recently I guess my burn-out has been showing at work. I had a really stressful month last month, and I had a few days where I was barely holding it together. What your husband said to you about looking "out-of-it," my co-worker said to me. It was really the case of just having too much to think about, too many details demanding attention.
It has all leveled out now, and I'm sure yours will to, if you hang in there. There's good weeks and bad weeks, ya know?
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Dawn,
mama to Maxine Day(8/01) and brand new Ivan Wolfgang(6/08), partner to Jason.
Yes. I do feel crazy all the time.
I have four children (one is a baby) and I work over forty hours a week.
I just feel like I am in overdrive always because I AM!
I TRY to relax by spending one day a week doing as little as possible- we live in Florida and the weather is usually good so we try to spend one day a week at the beach or swimming or hiking or something outdoors. It really helps to have that day.
Thank GOD I have a job with weekends off!
One day for play and one day to catch up on laundry, errands, etc
Hope
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Mom to Ettie, Drake, Isabella, and Jasmine
I just started back to work full time - 40 hours a week (sometimes more) after almost 7 years home raising kids and doing home daycare. I work in the mental health field so my days are pretty busy lol.
I have a 17yo, a 6yo and a 3yo. The older two are in public school, my son is in preschool. My dh works construction as a plumber. He has been amazing honestly. He gets them up, dressed, brushed and to their respective schools at 8am (I leave at 7:30).
Then he picks up our son, takes him home to meet the girls (teen picks up 1st grader and they walk home together) and 3 days a week he goes to his second job. My teen is a Godsend - she helps so much. She does at least one load of laundry every day and on the days dh works his 2nd job she heats up dinner and helps pick up the house and watches her siblings from 3-5:20 when I get home - and dh gets home around 6pm.
For my sanity? I exercise - in the morning before everyone gets up and 3 days a week in the conference room at work with my friends. Wednesday nights is Awana - I drop off all three kids there (the teen teaches) and my dh and I get an hour and a half ALONE.
On saturdays I get organized - I cook for the week (Today teen and I did 7 freezer meals), we clean and hopefully do something fun. (Today was a movie for me and my son and the mall for the girls).
Sundays is my true sanity day - I get up and have coffee, read the boards, pray and head to church. We come home and have a nice lunch, finish off any cleaning we have to do and then rest. The afternoon is swimming, the park, reading, watching movies or visiting with friends.
Oh, and usually 1 night every two weeks I go out with a girlfriend. We rotate Starbucks, the mall, the gelato place etc.
And at least 1 saturday every month we do nothing. Sit on the couch and watch movies in our pj's lol. This month has been so hectic it hasn't happened. I can't wait for memorial day since I have that day off so its for sure a PJ DAY. I love pj day
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~Barb
Mama to 18yo Chelsey, 8yo Zoey & 5yo Roman
Zoeys 8th birthday!
Jeni - what you are saying sounds sooo familiar! I haven't posted in a while, but your post hit home. It does smooth out, but I think as long as we try to juggle both being home and being at work we may feel a little flaky! There are definately days when I am home that I literally dread going back to work and then days that I work that I feel so great and like "me", that I wish I worked more. I also sometimes forget little details b/c I am not at work every day or at home every day. I don't do many hobbies that I used to do b/c on days I am home, I am trying to keep up with home stuff and on days I am at work I put in long hours. But, I am sooooo grateful that dd isn't in daycare and that I have to option to work 20 hours and that my schedule is flexible and that I like what I do both at home and outside it. Anyhow... I hear you!!!! I am glad this forum is on Amity now.
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Mama to my 15 year old Stephen and my 3 year old Layla. Wife to Jeff for 15 years!
I also work part time, but my work days are consecutive rather than every other (so M-W rather than M, W, F). I don't feel crazy at all. Feels very normal and routine to me.
I do make sure to work out. I have someone else clean my house. And, I don't expect to be super-wife (I am, however, a kick-butt cook).
It's never made me feel disjointed, but I think that's because I'm a professional for three consecutive days and then a home professional the next four rather than alternating back and forth.
Oh, and I don't bring work home. if I cannot get it done at work, I wait until the next Monday (granted, I have a kick butt boss - myself).
May I ask how long have you been in this situation when you felt you have to juggle many things?
The reason I am asking is that - it settles. No, it does not all of a sudden become calm and serene (I wish!), but we develop a certain rythm, iykwim.
However if you have been at it for years and still feel like you are going crazy - you might have too much on your plate!
To answer how I keep my sanity... many ways.
Exercise.
Sleep.
Get out - all by yourself, or with friends, even if for an hour to change the scenery.
Baths with candles around help me. Or just candles when I have a chance to have my 1/2 glass of wine at the end of a long day.
Music (now rediscovering the importance of it)
I write a "plan for the day". One at work, one at home on a dry-eraze board. Then cross stuff out as it gets done. It helps not to keep all that in your head.
And another one you probably don't expect - slack off sometimes. AKA - give yourself a break. Delegate. Kitchen does not have to be spotless - you sanity is more important. Trash can wait until your DH gets to it. Once in a while TV dinner is OK. Once in a while a DVD to keep kids entertained is OK.
And may be heart-to-heart talk to DH is in order. Yes, you feel "out of it". Can he help? Maybe just by listening and understanding? May be by picking up something to give you that precious 15min breather?
Irina,
Oh, these are great tips!! Can you do me a favor and give more on the thread I just started asking for help in balancing full-time work with family?
I suspect you have a lot more that can help.
Michelle
__________________ "If it (salvation) is based solely on following rules, then it isn't grace via faith in Jesus Christ"
to you mama!
Oh mama! How happy was I to read that.
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