Attached Mamas Working Outside the HomeDo you face the unique challenges of balancing your career with your children? Come on in and talk with other moms who find ways to make their situation work for the whole family.
I don't know what to do. I'm married to a guy who can be a real jerk about money. We have plenty of money. He makes a great salary, we live below our means, we don't have credit card debt but he still makes me feel like having to support me is a huge burden on him. I wear Walmart clothes, I only have a few pairs of shoes, we don't go out to eat, or really out at all, we don't take vacations.
Before we married, we decided that if we had kids, barring a major issue, I felt it was really important to stay home. Well, really I told him I would only have children if I could stay home, if this was a problem, I wouldn't marry him. He agreed.
Well, here we are 7 year and two children later and he makes me feel like an absolute twit - like I'm just a drain on him. In reality, I have a Master's degree and supported myself quite well before he came along. I worked up until the day I went into labor with my first. In fact, we have a very comfortable nest egg in savings right now because I bought a house in a hot area before I ever even met him. I held onto it and sold it during the big boom last year - made a huge profit. So, I've brought a lot into this relationship.
Anyway, I'm struggling. Anytime we have an argument, he brings up money. In fact just this past weekend following a nasty argument, he says he wants me to pay my own way. He wants me to take that money in savings and put it in a separate account and pay half of the bills with it. I'm not willing to use that money because our marriage is shaky at best and if we divorce, I want that money to get started again. Of course, after the fact he apologizes and says he doesn't want me to get a job but I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm a drain on anyone. I can support myself just fine.
So, I'm torn. The thought of getting a job and being away from my kids for any amount of time absolutely rips my soul out. I can't imagine doing it. If I got a job, it would only be part time or on weekends so I don't have to put them in day care but still..... Thinking about it makes me vomit.
Having a master's in social work with Child Protective Services experience basically means I can get a job at any point. So, I applied and I haven in interview on Monday. I just don't know what to do.
How did you make the decision to go back to work? If you didn't have to do it financially, would you? Part of me wants to just let him rant and rave at me about money and let it roll of me - go emotionally numb so he can't hurt me. But part of me wants to show the a$$hole that I can support myself and I don't need his money
I might consider therapy and work or therapy before trying work. Money is a control issue - not a supply issue. My exH used money over me all the time and it wore me so thin.... and he had millions, literally. And when I did finally snag a dream job he sat and cried and clung, saying he was losing me, and f'd with me so bad that I got fired in three days for crying on the job. So - my advice, based on personal experience, is that even a dream job can fail to be the ticket. Figure out what is snagging the relationship before striking out.
Location: True health flows from loving relationships, good food, time spent in nature, daily hugs, inner work, meaningful work and breathing thankfully for the richness of this life.-Kate Gilday
Posts: 22,735
Honestly, being poor made me go back...lol
My dh is self employed, we have no health insurance and make no extra to set aside for retirement.
The construction field here in NW Arkansas has been on the decline for a couple years and seemed to bomb out this past year. It hurt us SO BAD.
Not only was there no extra, there was not enough period.
Dreamseeds thankfully got us through soem very difficult days, but that is also an uncertain income. And it takes all my energy to do.
So, I had been toying with the idea of WOH for a few months, but, like you, was afraid of being away.
DS and I did soem errand running a few weeks back and ran to get a salad to go at our favorite restaurant (a high end mom and pop place) and I made the comment that I never se new people working there and that they must not hire. The manager said, well, actually we need people right now. So I filled out the app and was hired the next day.
I have not waited tables in a restaurant in over 10 years. 7 years ago I was a supervisor in a large corporation for home owner and vehicle insurance and then was snagged by the systems department. However I ahve no college education, nor an degree. So I cannot just go get a good job, KWIM? And since I had no degree, I got far less pay on those jobs than others with a degree.
but anyway, back to what I was saying, I got this job. It is stressful, but I am a workhorse and can handle it (I think-it has only been 2 weeks)
I feel much better knowing that I am doing all I can do to get us through the rough patches and hopefully get some needed repairs on our home and pay down the credit cards we have lived on the past year.
My olders help with the youngers and I pay them a daily wage. If daycare was a factor, I dont think i would have applied for any job.
You jsut gotta look at the situation and move in the direction you really feel is best.
I can tell you that I enjoy what I am doing. The restaurant closes betwen lunch adn dinner so I am not obligated to work longer, etc...
Looking back, this is the perfect job for me for this time of my life and I had no idea it would work so well for my families schedule.
I enjoy it so far. Let us know how your interview goes. Keep in mind what you need and be sure they know you want to work X amount of hours/days.
Sometimes in interviews they want us for what THEY want us to work. But sounds like you have some needs of when you can work. So be sure not to feel nervous and give in to whatever jsut to get the job. Be sure your needs will be met.
Location: "the stars are matter, we're matter, but it doesn't matter."
Posts: 3,023
****, that's a really hard situation. It sounds like your marriage is really on the rocks. But at least you know that would would be financially able to leave him, if it came down to it. I've definately been there with arguments about money. Dh and I broke up when I was pg because of them. We pulled through, though.
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Dawn,
mama to Maxine Day(8/01) and brand new Ivan Wolfgang(6/08), partner to Jason.
My dh is completely weird with money. He is angry that my ex-dh hasn't always paid enough support (though I think it is none of his business). He has had every toy you can imagine only to turn around and sell it at a major loss within a year of buying it. I work full time because I MUST support myself (having been through one divorce already) and btw I earn way more than my dh.
We are now separated (as of earlier this year) and even though my income has been chopped by between 1/3 ish to 1/2, I have MORE money and kept all the bills.
He, on the other hand, is in a nice but inexpensive apt. and has bought all sorts of **** on a payment plan and is now broke.
Oh - too broke to pay for half of the marriage counselling bill which I insist on having before I will even contemplate reconciliation.
So far, no counselling.
Good Luck.
If it were me - I wouldn't play his games. I would figure out a way to get what you want on your own, even within the relationship.
I work from home as a computer technical analyst, system design and am also head of my department. I have been telecommuting since my youngest of four was born. My teens help me look after the little ones after school but when the little ones were not in school, I had a full time nanny (who did not live with us) and that worked out very well. I could see the kids whenever I wanted to, and she would bring me the baby to nurse. She also cleaned my house and made dinner. I paid her very well but it was 100% worth it.
So, follow your dreams. You CAN do everything you want without the BS.
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Jeni - wife to a great guy and mama to 3 at home plus one adult child who is expecting Feb -09!
My dh is self employed, we have no health insurance and make no extra to set aside for retirement.
The construction field here in NW Arkansas has been on the decline for a couple years and seemed to bomb out this past year. It hurt us SO BAD.
Not only was there no extra, there was not enough period.
Tommy is a journeyman plumber on a construction site and here in Arizona its not been steady for many reasons. Health insurance was running us nearly $600/month, we were $30K in debt on the heloc just trying to make bills. No eating out, one vacation a year.
It sucked and it was killing us both.
In our case I was the one with the degree and job experience and walked into a job making only about 10K less then I left 7 years ago. I'll be bumped up I'm guessing within a year to making what I used to make - maybe two at the most. Daycare is/was a huge expense - but my companys insurance is $125/month for me and the kids vs $560/month we were paying. Saving that money pays for Romans daycare.
I don't know. For us - our marriage is great, we're best friends. The fights about money weren't blaming or controlling - just each of us losing our minds with worry about what was going to happen. It got to be way too much and things have totally changed since I went back. My kids are older, Zoey is almost 7 and in 1st grade so me working didn't change too much for her. Roman is 3 1/2 (four in July) and honestly is doing better in preschool then he was being home with me. I think he was bored. I know I was bored. I was DONE with the homedaycare - tho like KR, the home daycare and my tiedye businesses got us through some majorly hard times.
Now things are already easing up a little. We're doubling payments on the heloc, there is money for Chelseys tuition, people are seeing the doctor and dentist again regularly/as needed, we're buying clothing, getting haircuts lol.
We're all going to the movies together once in a while.
It was/is a major adjustment but for us it worked.
I have no idea what I'd do in your situation. But for me working after 7 years home raising my kids is/was a good thing. I'm enjoying my own social freedom, using my brain differently, being intellectually stimulated and creative on a different level then I was in my role as a stay home mama.
I miss my kids - I do. But my time with them on evenings and weekends appears to be more quality time now. I'm having even more fun with them during those hours. And they're loving school - learning - doing things that they've not done before. We found an awesome school, so its not like I am even worried about that.
rambling over morning coffee.
Good luck whatever you decide
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~Barb
Mama to 18yo Chelsey, 8yo Zoey & 5yo Roman
Zoeys 8th birthday!
I might consider therapy and work or therapy before trying work. Money is a control issue - not a supply issue. My exH used money over me all the time and it wore me so thin.... and he had millions, literally. And when I did finally snag a dream job he sat and cried and clung, saying he was losing me, and f'd with me so bad that I got fired in three days for crying on the job. So - my advice, based on personal experience, is that even a dream job can fail to be the ticket. Figure out what is snagging the relationship before striking out.
hugs,
Cathy
I wholeheartedly agree with Cathy.
I work, I am a main bread-winner in the family and yes I work for financial reasons (if not for my salary we would go from lower-middle class to being dirt poor) and I would not if it was not for money, BUT you situation is completely different and your situation is not about money, no matter what your husband tells you.
Again, agreeing with Cathy.
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Irina,
Mom to Matt 08/87 Valerie 07/00
I definitely agree with the others about therapy, but I wanted to mention that with an MSW, you might be able to teach social work classes online. If that interest you, you might browse higheredjobs.com, check with Phoenix University (they might require a Ph.D), local state schools and community colleges.
How did you make the decision to go back to work? If you didn't have to do it financially, would you? Part of me wants to just let him rant and rave at me about money and let it roll of me - go emotionally numb so he can't hurt me. But part of me wants to show the a$$hole that I can support myself and I don't need his money
First of all....and this may not be easy......I'd ask myself if going back to work will solve the marriage problems. It is possible your husband will move onto beating you down emotionally about another issue?
I decided to work outside the home when our youngest was in school all day long. Like you, I was committed to being at-home with the children when they were young (for me that was before they were in school all day).
I did not have to work for financial reasons. We also live below what my husband makes and he does bring in a good salary. We are not financially "rich" but are comfortable and better off than many.
I started working because I love teaching. (public school teacher) The ideal position came open and I applied. If the ideal position would not have come open, I would not have applied for it. However, prayer was the biggest deciding factor for me. My husband supported either choice...whatever makes me happy. (working outside the home or being home as a homemaker)
My decision has brought me a lot of happiness and self-confidence. It has nothing to do with the money. I will admit that it is nice having extra $ to spend on things we never would have done before and also to pay off debt. (home mortgages, two cars) Our children (five of them) are also getting more expensive the older they get. (especially the teenagers!!!!)
I do think that you should make sure you want to work. If you are doing it just to get back at your husband, from the sounds of what you have shared, that will not work. I'd ask myself who I would end up hurting in the end if revenge is the motivating factor. (and I don't blame you!) It may be that you would not affect your husband at all but would negatively impact yourself or your children. I guess I'm trying to say this: make sure working outside the home is a positive thing you want to do and feel is the correct step at this time in your life.
I support your decision either way.
Michelle
__________________ "If it (salvation) is based solely on following rules, then it isn't grace via faith in Jesus Christ"
I work so that we can have extras and because I enjoy it. I couldn't let my DH talk down to me like that. You decide what you need for yourself and go from there.
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Natalie
mom to
DD #1: tiny terror (6/01) who's becoming a nice little girl
DD #2: peanut 3/04 who's becoming a toddler terror
Wife to Mick -13 yrs
You know, I've set a hard and fast boundary against the way he talks to me but he crosses it on a regular basis. Short of divorcing him, I'm at a loss on how to get him to respect my boundaries
Thank you all for your thoughts. I do know that if I get a job at this point it will only be to prove that I can support myself. I would hate it and the children would hate it. Plus, at this point, I don't know that I want a dangerous job and working for CPS is dangerous - you go out on your own, knocking on doors accusing people of hurting their children - often times the people are on drugs, hostile and angry etc... When I was in my 20s, I never gave it any thought but now, I realize how dangerous it is and I don't know that I want to put myself in that position anymore
Wow, it's amazing how answers have a way of revealing themselves to you.
My kids have been healthy for months - no colds - nothing.
Well, my youngest started sneezing Sat afternoon. By last night, she has a fever of 102.5 and a sore throat She was miserable all night and won't be going to school today. There is no way I'm going to a job interview this morning and leaving her.
So, DH and I had a talk and I reminded him about the "jobs" we both agreed upon when we had kids. He was very apologetic, acknowledged how he was making me feel and swears he will work on it.
So, for now, no job interview and I'm going to put off looking. But, I told him I want to trust him but I don't yet and he acknowledged that and said he'd work on it with me. We'll see.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and sharing your stories. I really appreciate it so much!
You know, I've set a hard and fast boundary against the way he talks to me but he crosses it on a regular basis. Short of divorcing him, I'm at a loss on how to get him to respect my boundaries
I just don't know what to do
We went to a marriage weekend that was all about respect & talking to each other with respect. That's it's a basic right to give to a human being. If full therapy is too diffucult - maybe just a weekend seminar would help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by amcal
Wow, it's amazing how answers have a way of revealing themselves to you.
My kids have been healthy for months - no colds - nothing.
Well, my youngest started sneezing Sat afternoon. By last night, she has a fever of 102.5 and a sore throat She was miserable all night and won't be going to school today. There is no way I'm going to a job interview this morning and leaving her.
So, DH and I had a talk and I reminded him about the "jobs" we both agreed upon when we had kids. He was very apologetic, acknowledged how he was making me feel and swears he will work on it.
So, for now, no job interview and I'm going to put off looking. But, I told him I want to trust him but I don't yet and he acknowledged that and said he'd work on it with me. We'll see.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and sharing your stories. I really appreciate it so much!
Glad that he listened to you and that you are at peace with your decision. There are a lot of factors w working and $ is not the only (or deciding) one.
I've definately been there with arguments about money. Dh and I broke up when I was pg because of them. We pulled through, though.
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