My neighbor was outside at my house today and her little girl (just turned 2) started walking down the sidewalk towards my oldest two who were going for a walk. The mom very quietly said the girls name. And the girl didn't respond--gee, probably because she didn't hear her mom. So the mom just turns and says to me, "she's gonna' get a spanking!" I was too surprised to say anything. What would you have done/said?

I would have blantantly said to her that 2yrs old is just a baby & that we've chosen to teach our babies non-violent communication :)

Maybe she'd take a moment to think about her choice, when confronted with yours, kwim?

Oh I'd send her a no-spanking tee shirt from CookiePants (that was a joke I hope you know)

Honestly, there's not much you can do. I think I would raise my eyebrows and say "I'm glad I don't live with you" but that wouldn't win any friends or help her.

It breaks my heart, it really does........

EVERY big family dinner (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc) my cousin threatens to spank her dd (who is now 3 1/2) for any little thing. I don't know if it's a control thing or what, but all you hear is "If you do that one more time I'm going to spank you" over and over. Usually she takes her in the bathroom to spank her at least once or twice, and it puts a damper on the whole occassion, KWIM? It just proves to me how ineffective spanking really is, because it certainly hasn't worked as a deterrent for my cousin's little girl.

This may not be a popular answer...

I would probably say nothing. I don't like spanking, I don't do spanking... and if she asked me my opinion I would have told her my thoughts and beliefs about spanking and tried to convince her to try some other way, BUT she didn't ask me, and I feel that I don't have the right to "preach" to another mom about how she chooses to disipline her child. I really dislike that when someone else tells me how to raise my child. Plus we really don't know if she was actually going to spank her... she may have been venting and tired. What I probably would have done is asked her if she needed a break or some help and watched the little one for her for an hour, then *later* I might have carefully mentioned some things "that work for us".

I should say that I *would* say something if I personally saw an abusive situation or someone really losing it.

I never say anything to my cousin, either. It wouldn't do to start a family debate over disciple practices, so I usually just leave the room.

I did once see a man smack the you-know-what out of a little girl, and I called Children's Services and reported him (it was a public parking lot and I got the license plate number). He was pretty out of control and just kept hitting her. I will always regret not doing more. I was so in shock that I couldn't move, but I should have tried to stop him. No child should ever be treated that way.

I wouldn't say anything either. Was she being completely serious? I mean I joke to my friends sometimes when Connor has had a day of less than desirable behaivor, and it's just a joke, they know it. (of course, I'm the only one of my friends who doesn't believe in spanking.. :() Anyway, I wouldn't say anything, I don't say anything to my friends who believe in spanking, that's how they were raised and they want to raise their children that way, it's not my place to tell anyone else how to raise their children, KWIM? (not that I don't get incredibly disgusted when I hear them making spanking threats :()

Assuming that the OP was asking what would you say about this particular instance and not about spanking in general, I probably would have just said to the mom, "I don't think she even heard you call her."

I am also of the opinion that one shouldn't "preach" about their parenting choices. I know that I hate it when someone else tries to tell me how to parent when I have not asked for advice. There are very few times that I have ever stepped in and said something unasked for about how a parent was handling a child.

Jan has some good info/articles about this very thing, but for the life of me I can't remember the url! I thought it was naturalparenting.org, but that's not it... maybe someone else will know!

You have to be careful, for example, in that parking lot abuse situation, I think it was WISE to not intervene. Children who are abused often get it WAY worse when they get home if someone intervenes on their behalf.. the parents "blame" the child for their embarrassment, yk? Personally, I would have called 911 in that kind of situation if I had a cell phone, or ran into the store and called. Of course, if it's that immediate, yes, I suppose it would be called for to intervene.. I'm talking in circles... just be careful! tough choices.

In the everyday type of situation, I just usually cringe at the parents, or say something gentle, like "aw..." Nothing really overt, but just trying to show some sort of empathy for the child (honestly, I'm never w/ppl who spank their kids though.. I'm referring to just threatening or talking about it). One woman was laughing once about "having" to spank her little toddler. I flat out ignored her b/c it ticked me off so badly (she wasn't spanking him, just talking about "how much longer till he gets in trouble" type of thing). It was a situation where I could tell I was expected to laugh a little and commiserate, but i just completely ignored her. I hope it got the point across.

I agree that I don't like to be preached to about how I parent, but if a mother tells me she is going to spank her child ("she's gonna' get a spanking!") then it seems she's wanting affirmation or some response for her decision/action -- and I would be more inclined to say something. It might be in the form of a question: How's that working for you? It may be in the form of humor/sarcasm: Yeah, she's acting like she's two years old! It might be in the form of a direct statement: Perhaps you'd like some other tools to help with this kind of thing? It would all depend on the relationship I had with the person and (probably) my mood.

I am silent plenty of times -- have lots of friends who spank and often mention spanking in conversations. They are not asking for advice or seeking any affirmation -- just relating events -- so I don't usually say anything.

Harder for me -- my younger brother. He spanks (liberally) and is proud of it. He knows our thoughts about spanking. Sometimes I think he spanks his children when we are around just to "prove" his point (i.e. that he can spank his children). Not too long ago, my brother related a horrible story to DH about how he spanked his son very hard for throwing a rock. Taught him a lesson about throwing things. That weekend, my nephew had a HUGE problem throwing toys at DS and DD -- so no, spanking did not stop the throwing problem. DH had to just listen to this story and bite his touch and he knew my brother was telling the whole gory story to sort of brag how he spanks. Sad. I probably would not have been silent if I were there -- and an argument would have ensued. It is difficult for me to not speak out.

My older brother and I had a huge argument about six months ago and one of the many horrible things my brother said was that he was the right to spank and beat the crap out of his children whenever he wants for whatever reason he wants. Needless to say, I was not silent (actually, but at that point I BECAME quite silent, hanging up the phone...my brother was drunk and often gets enraged like he was).

I would probably not respond or, if I did, it wouldbe subtle, not confrontational. Directly criticizing someone's parenting choices might make them feel defensive, rather than win them over. I beleive that many people who spank do so because they don't know what other choices they have. Teaching by example is important wether you are trying to teach kids or adults. My mom doesn't believe in spanking, and never had, but she spanked my brother and me because she didn't know what else to do. I know lots of people who don't spank, so I know I don't have to. Perhaps, if we all just go about our business of raising our children without hitting them, other people will see that and know that they can do it too!

Thea
mom to Louisa May 9-30-02

I don't think this is preaching to someone about their parenting style......I think it's also how you say it. And yes, you better believe I'd say something! I think I'd say "Ouch, I hope not!", in a nice tone, with raised eyebrows, or "Yikes, I don't think she even heard you call her!".....I'd not sit quietly, then I'd feel like I somehow was saying I was ok with it all....and whether it's my business or not (we all have different ideas on what our business and when it's ok and appropriate to say something and when and how), I'd feel I needed to speak up. In cases of abuse, I agree it's often best to not say something to the parent, but to alert authority, but realize that is not what we are talking about here, so I'd feel ok saying something to her. JMO. (o;