Right now Lauren is having the Queen of all tantrums. I dont even know what this one is about. I picked her up, she squirmed to get down while crying and is now in the hallway having an absolute fit.
She smacks me if I try to pick her up and is doing the kicking and thrashing routine. I'm trying to ignore her but it feels so mean to leave her crying...but what can I do? Ugh, I thought the toddler years were supposed to be fun

j

I posted to on of your posts the other day. Your dd sounds a lot like mine (or maybe it is all toddlers! ;)) The toddler years ARE fun! you just have to breathe deep! ;) I want to encourage you. My dd just turned 2 and I SWEAR we have turned a huge corner! I thought the twos were supposed to be worse. But I think some wait until they are three to start throwing around their weight and some start early. Mine was early (dont get me wrong, she is still into everything, etc. but the TANTRUMS have gotten MUCH better and much fewer). I either let her go at her tantrum and went on my way. OR, sometimes when I felt she was getting out of control, I would pick her up despite the hitting and kicking and screaming. And just HOLD her tight. And sing softly. Like where she has to stop to hear you. It is difficult especially if you have had "one of those days". But I try to put myself in her shoes. And if I was feeling emotional like that I would want someone to comfort me. Talking, reasoning did not work with my dd. Too young. But either the ignoring (for milder tantrum) or holding would work. It DOES get better!!

She really is a lot of fun most of the time...unfortunately you all end up just hearing me vent lol. I was gathering up my wits to go pick her up when she came in here, still crying and threw herself at my feet. She sobbed a few more times and then was suddenly quiet. I looked down and she was asleep! It's still early for her and she didnt show any of her normal "sleepy" signs. I moved to get her and she woke up. I asked her if I could pick her up and she climbed up in my lap and fell back to sleep. Poor little thing...I dont know how people who CIO do it...I wanted to just kiss her to pieces and I was right here for her the whole time!

thanks again:) we will survive!
J

Empathy
Distraction

It's really that simple. If she's freaking out and thrashing, be a compassionate witness and try guessing what's going on - "you're frustrated cause you wanted the blue cup, not the red cup?"; "you don't want to stop painting?"; "you really would like to go outside?" Don't try to change it, be present for it and allow her to express herself in a way that is safe for everyone (meaning no hitting, kicking, throwing). Yelling is safe! ;) Even if it's not all that pleasant sometimes. Empathy goes a LONG way with my 3 yr old...and she actually is quite empathic with her friends, her daddy, me...it's beautiful to see it develop so naturally within her, having had it modeled practially from birth.

Once I've identified (if possible) the issue, I can offer an alternative - usually something favorite. Not as a bribe, as in "if you stop crying I'll give you a cookie" but more with the intention to contribute to her well being. "I would like to do something fun with you. Would you like to come bake cookies with mama?" or "shall I pour your juice in the blue cup instead?" KWIM?

I'm not familiar with many toddlers who DON'T have tantrums and meltdowns. It's really a developmental milestone IMO. They are learning our language to begin with, and don't yet have the mastery to express themselves with clarity when they become upset. Combine that with the development of their physical abilities, attempts to individuate from mama (and papa), fatigue, hunger, boredom, overwhelm...and you've got a screaming, writhing small human on the floor in front of you! ;)

I liken it to being in a foreign country without knowledge of where things are, how to ask for what I need and the fear of the unfamiliar. Does that make sense and perhaps reframe the tantrums for you?

Here is where my philosophy has grown from:
http://www.cnvc.org/raisekds.htm

This too, shall pass mama. Remember to breathe. ;)

You can do a search through the Gentle Guidance forum when things like this come up. Because they do, frequently! ;)

http://www.amitymama.com/vb/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=27

Empathy during a wobbly makes my toddler more mad. Steaming mad...

"I NOT ANG-Y!" or "I NOT FUSTATED!" and if you try and distract he will hit, bite, kick or throw what/whoever you try and distract with.

Best for us is to ignore him as much as possible or give space until he starts to calm down and then ask if he is sad and/or offer cuddles.

Jamie,

I hope I didn't sound judgmental in my post to you! I have done my share of venting for sure. I have realized recently that most of what i tell my mom is the HARD things about my dd! i have to make an effort to tell the good things although she is a BLAST! She just seemed to be so much more (and stil is) INTENSE than most kids!

I forgot to add that I too try to explain what she is is feeling. Like for instance, "Oh I know you are upset about leaving the park. I dont like leaving places at times either. but you may NOT hit mommy. What you CAN do instead is... (and enter appropriate behaviour.)" One thing my dd loved was blowing. I would make a big production out of "blowing out her anger". Puff up my cheeks and everything and she would end up laughing and trying it. ;) I also made up a song for her "If youre angry and you know it blow it out (phh phh make the sound lol) If youre angry and you know it then your face will surely show it (make a grrr sound). Sounds silly but works with mine! :D

We are dealing with this right now with not one but two children! Yikes! But they are on different levels! DS is almost 4 & is really starting to give dirty looks & scream if he doesn't get what he wants! DD is 18 months old & throws herself on the floor & screams & cries! I think she is still too young to really do much about the tantrums. I've tried holding her which usually helps. If it doesn't we try distraction or just ignoring it & those do help! Now with DS I will have to try that song! I really think that will work with him! That's a great suggestion, lassie!

Good luck, Jamie! I know we all have or are going through what you are! I know I totally understand how you are feeling because I am right there with you & are dealing with it as well! Hugs, mama!

Thanks. it has worked for us. Also the explaining I thought was WAY over her head but we started it a few months ago and it WORKED! But the song I made up one day out of pure desparation lol and she looked shocked and started laughing instead of screaming. And she works so hard on her phhhs and grrrrs that she forgets what she was upset about. ;)