Up until the last few weeks, DS (almost 4) has rarely had problems with inappropriate physical actions -- hitting, kicking, etc. However, the past two weeks he has started doing these things -- either to his little sister or to us. Yesterday was a very hard day and I did not cope well -- resorted to yelling and I eventually had to just go in my room to get away from kids for a few minutes. We don't spank -- so that's not an option. I think time-outs are ok, but I feel they can be over used AND I feel we are now over using them. We generally put things in positive terms -- "we touch nicely" or "we are kind to people" but now that DS is older these phrases don't seem to be working.

I do know part of what is going on is that DS is understimulated. Whereas we often have activities and go places, we have been staying at home much more -- and even at home both DH and I have had less time/attention for our children. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm being honest. DH has had some huge work stress the past few weeks, requiring him to put in a lot of hours. Though *most* of those hours don't impact DS (i.e. DH works from home in the evenings after DS has gone to bed), DH is just less available than normal -- both physically and emotionally (he is in stress mode). DH is a GREAT father -- very involved with our kids. He is probably more prone to yelling than I am. He also seems at loss for how to deal with this pretty sudden, difficult behavior. As for my part, I have had quite a bit of physical illness that has impacted my energy level and mood. I am starting to feel better today, but I have been pretty sick for two weeks. Because of feeling so terrible, I haven't been getting out of the house much. Both kids and are I are going crazy.

I know just giving DS more attention overall -- especially when he's behaving well -- is definitely an important factor here. Beyond that, I am having a lot of problems coping with what to do when DS hits/kicks. A lot of it is sort of "testing." An example: He will come up to me and sort of hit/slap my shoulder several times. I'll tell him we don't hit or that we touch gently. He will lightly "touch" (something more than a touch but not quite a hit) me. I feel that as soon as he hits, then he should have a negative consequence...but I'm at loss for the consequence. Like I said, we've been using time-outs so much. It broke my heart yesterday when I did something DS didn't like and he crossly said, "Mom, that wasn't nice! You need to go to your room and have a time-out!"

Finally, this behavior (the physical acting out) has been expanding the past few days to include verbal acting out -- saying mean phrases, etc. I think both the physical and verbal acting out are related to attention seeking -- and as I've said we are working toward giving him more attention BUT I do feel DS is needing/wanting boundaries and I am just so stuck. Usually I will read a book or something to get some ideas, but my time is so pulled and I need to focus as much on DS as possible.

I do know that as I start to feel better physically and DH's work is less intense, we will be able to give our children more attention. I feel so awful saying this -- it sounds as if we are ignoring our children and that is not the case. We are just not maintaining the level of attention/activities/etc that we usually do.

Hugs mamma - I have some suggestions for you and things to ponder.

1. For consequences, you need to have something very motivating for your DS. Time out must not motivate him. What does he like to do? For one of my DS - loss of TV priviledge really motivates, for another it would be no bike riding. I know that these aren't natural consequences - but sometimes its hard to have those in these instances.

2. I had good luck at this age with a ladder. I drew a ladder on a peice of paper and had a little sticker type of thing with their name on it. They started at the middle of the ladder and went down for bad behavior. Going down ment loosing a priviledge (Tv time, bike riding, eating dessert, computer time etc) These priviledges were on the ladder so they knew just what they lost.

Then to go back up the ladder - they had to do some work. I had a list of extra 'chores' that they could do to earn the right for a priviledge. Not only were there chores on the list (dusting the baseboards, wiping fingerprints off the walls, mucking out the calf's stall), but there were also 'retribution' type of things here: write/dictate letters of apology, act of service to the offended party, restoration X 2 for lost/damaged items etc.

They didn't go up the ladder till they did the chore. They usually didn't/couldn't do their chore till they were done acting ugly with whatever they were losing priviledges over (clear as mud?). If they wanted to pout about and think "life's not fair" then they could go without till their attitude picked up and they did their chore. It sort of put the ball in their court.

I made a written list of offenses that resulted in going down the ladder.

In addition - I had some extra special things that went above normal on the ladder for extra special behavior.

If I were you - I would use this type of thing and focus on hitting/hurting others (physically or emotionally). For each instance he goes down rungs and loses priviledges. For each extra loving act - he goes up the ladder and gains something out of the ordinary (ice cream cone out with mom - 1/2 hour of special time with dad type of reward).

3. Finally, I would examine your 2 yr old. Is DS suddenly hitting her because she is being allowed to pester him? You said you were busy, this is the age that they suddenly realize they can perster others for attention. I'm not saying this is the case - but I've found in my house the hitted is usually not an innocent victim. I would make sure my 2 yr old was held accountable for her end in the loving relationship.

When Corrie was that age - it suddenly dawned on me that I was making my boys give in to her and let her get her way because I didn't want to listen to her complaining. I was often scolding them for not being 'nice' to her and then one day I realized that she was tormenting them and playing the victim.

She didn't take kindly to being dethroned. I still have troubles with 'vicitim dramatics' from her!

I hope this was helpful - Melinda

Who is thinking of taking her own advice and doing the ladder again for some trouble spots around here!