I know I havent' been posting in a very long time. I am just so sad at this moment and you all are the first I thought of...

It seems none of the ways I am trying to guide or direct my children in a positive non-spanking or non-hitting way just are not working.

Xylena seemed to get better a few months after she was 3 but now I just don't know. She screams most of the day along with my 5 year old who was ADHD. I am hoping she doesn't have it also. I just feel like I cannot do this. Crying, and screaming and fighting and more crying.

I can't have people over because of them. They just seem to 'attack' the people with questions and climb on them etc. My sister who is staying here is annoyed with them. I can tell even though she doesn't say it. And DH really thinks I am screwing them up badly. He thinks they are brats. Especially the 3 year old. They really are pretty nasty most of the time to be really honest. They talk really rude to me and just don't listen in general. I am ok with my 7 year old most of the time but it is just really hard overall. She still talks rude to me alot.

I am attempting to parent in a way I have never seen demonstrated and it is not the way I was raised. My parents used spankings, smacking, belts, shoes etc.

I always remember people complimenting my mom on how well behaved we were. I just am really embarrased to have my kids around anyone for more than 5 minutes.

I have heard through other friends that some of my former friends don't come around because it seems like my kids 'run the house' here.

My sister was getting ready to leave for a job interview and my 3 yo kept asking her if she was going to get her gum and my sister kept telling her no. Meanwhile Sarah, my 7 month old is crying at her feet because she wanted her to hold her. My sister bit her own tongue and said, "****!' Like in a really angry voice. Her tongue was bleeding pretty bad. About a minute later Xylena went to ask her something else about the gum and my sister made a sort of noise and turned her back to her. I said to my sister that I know her tongue hurts but it wasn't Xylena's fault she bit it. She didn't say anything and then walked out the door saying bye. When she left Xylena was chasing after her asking her to give her a hug good-bye and she wouldn't. I think she finally may have but then when my 5 year old went to give her a hug she yelled at her to go in the house.

I actually don't feel so angry at my sister (well, just a bit) but more so at my 5yo and 3yo. They are just constantly doing really annoying things.

I am honestly at the point now where I feel someone would do a better job with them than I am. I mean, if they are acting like this now how will it be when they are teenagers!

Its not like I ever go out with out them either. In fact I am pretty afraid that no one else would be able to handle them. So, I am 24 hours with these kids that don't respect me worth a darn and here I am being nice to them, respecting them, not hitting them etc. What am I doing wrong and what can I start doing right??

Hugs to you momma.

I don't think your children are behaving they way they are because you don't spank them. I don't think you have to spank them to solve your problem (even though I spank).

What you need to do is to sit them down and let them know that things have changed. Pick 3 behaviors that you would like to change. (rudeness, pestering adults and fighting for example). Write down 3 rules associated with these 3 behavior that you expect them to follow always. State them in a positive manner:

We speak politely to others
We use only kind touches
We listen the first time

Then make sure your children understand these rules clearly and that they will be disciplined in some way whenever they are broken. (you don't have to say what it is, the "something will happen" will do).

Consistantly enforce these rules. ALWAYS.
Once these are mastered, move on to 3 more things.

Discipline (discipline is different than punishment) calmly, non emotionally, and swiftly. Drop everything else to discipline your children.

In addition - apply specific praise to good behavior. "I was really pleased with how you sat and listened quietly to my conversation without interupting. That reallly pleased me"

Also, teach your child how to act right. Role play situations (taking turns, interupting adult conversation).

I hope this helps
Melinda

Hey Leslie!! Nice to 'see' you!

I agree with what Melinda said. Sometimes I think Hannah runs the show here, too. She's just about 2 1/2 now, and we're really trying hard to 'tame' the wild beast in her! ;) I haven't been home that long yet, but I dread having to take her to the store with me. She's very opinionated and wants to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it. Gee, she's just like Mary!!

I wish I had some advice to give you, but I'm watching this thread for us now, too.

Is there a park near you? Maybe they can run off some of their extra energy. Heck, we can always meet you there!

Many parents who were raised in abusive homes themselves, end up on the "permissive" end of the spectrum (ie "letting the kids run the show," very little discipline of any kind) because they fear inflicting the same abuse that they suffered. I'm guessing there is a dynamic like this going on with you and your children.

The first thing that popped into my head is Mary Kurcinka's books. Raising Your Spirited Child. Seriously, run to your bookstore and get it. I think you will find it fits you perfectly, and will have lots of suggestions and ways to understand why your children are acting the way they are and what you can do to change this dynamic.

I struggle with some of the same issues on a smaller scale but reading her book has helped me immensely.