I am also posting this at the market board b/c I really need as much help as I can get! DS is 3 and doing all that typical 3yr old stuff that drives moms nuts. But the worst is that he is continually hitting and pushing and smacking and kicking his 14mth old sister. She loves him and loves just being wherever he is and he is so mean to her! He grabs toys from her, closes doors in her face, he pushes her over when she is walking, pushes her agianst walls when he walks by her. His latest thing scares me to death. She will be sitting, playing no where near him and he will come over to her and try to smother her ! Sometimes with a pillow and sometimes not. I am so frustrated with him that I am starting to yell and have been so out of control angry that I have to lock myself in time out to get a grip. But I am so afraid that if I lock myself in the bathroom for a minute that he will seriously hurt her. Does he really hate her? Is this just one of those any attention is good things? I give him attention all the time and try extra hard when I see he is starting to act out. I even invented the kiss and hug game ( in hopes that he would act better towards her), where I give him a kiss and then he gives Camden a kiss then Camden gives me a kiss and then we all shout hoo-rey. Simple and silly and he loves it, but after about 5 minutes he is back to abusing her. What can I do to make him understand that this is unacceptable behavior and that he cannot do this. How do I do it the AP way I mean, I am certainly angry enough with him most times to spank but I don't see where that would solve anything. Let me beat you so you understand that it is not ok to beat your sister, yea, that makes sense :( Any advice Mamas, this is a huge issue in my life right now. TIA! Kate

Kate how frustrating and scary! It's so important for your kids to live in harmony and for them both to be safe!!!

My first suggestion is to read "Siblings Without Rivalry".

Secondly - although you are angry and afraid for your dd's safety, is it possible to look through the behavior of your son to see what he's trying to communicate? Is he jealous, bored, angry...? Also try to figure out why he's using this behavior instead of another - because it gets an automatic response, he knows you'll pay attention, he feels powerful...? Getting into a deeper understanding of his feelings and needs when he behaves this way may boost your connection to what he's trying to accomplish.

Next, I think it's very important to focus on the hurt child when this happens. Comfort her, nurture her, talk to her and when she calms, start involving your ds. "You see how sad Camden is, she's crying and was really scared when you pushed her into the wall..." etc. This is how I model empathy to small kids, and they learn that the one in pain is going to get the immediate attention. I also don't force kids to say "sorry". If it doesn't come from their heart and I have to prompt them, it's a useless word that has no meaning. I might ask, "is there something you'd like to say to Camden right now?" or prompt a discussion about what happened, which frequently will have kids tell you specifically what needs they were trying to meet with this behavior. Then you can empathize with them.

I also think it's very important to give a firm and fast reminder that "we do not hurt each other" whenever you see trouble brewing. "Everyone needs to be safe here. We do not hit, push or kick. I won't allow you to hurt your sister." I'm not an advocate of time out, but there may be times when you need to separate the kids for her safety. In that case, my recommendation is that you and she go elsewhere in the home. Tell you ds "I'm taking Camden in the other room, I would like you to be with us but only if everyone is safe." or something of that nature. Simply REFUSE to allow him to hurt her. I know you're doing this in action/spirit already, but something is still triggering him and I'm just hoping to help you identify and clarify steps that might help prevent it.

I also think that this is a phase that some children go through. Have there been any recent events that may be inducing stress in him? Moving, new school, illness, any family changes, job changes, caregiver changes? This is also a time for toddlers/preschoolers to begin really figuring out their personal power and boundaries. He's testing himself, and his sister, and you! ;)

Okay, that's all without coffee this am...and I hope you find some of it helpful, without too much confusion. This is a really hard situation mama, and I'm very grateful you came here for help and support. Hang in there!

Thank you Amy, you have given me alot of wonderful ideas here! I went to the library today and got more books about gentle guidence and am trying to spend more personal time with him. Dh and I have been having a hard time lately and while we are not fighting in front of DS and DD, maybe the tension and negativity in teh air is what he is reacting to. He was doing this before our rough patch but it is much more frequent now. Thanks again Mama! kate

I went through a lot of similar things with my 2 oldest (they were 15 months apart). My oldest had low impulse control, a high need to touch, apparent disregard for personal space, and when bored tended to enjoy tormenting others. (Now that really makes him sound awful, but he's really a very sweet, loving boy).

I think I hear your heart momma that your worried there is something wrong with your little boy that he can't be nice to his sister? Maybe I'm just reading it in because I had those feelings too. Anyway, I think your boy is pretty normal and it will get better (and I doubt he'll hurt her).
There were several things I did that helped (Amy had some great suggestions too).

1. Keep in mind that 3 is a very hard age

2. I really tried to touch his heart after each incident. "You HURT your BROTHER, he's your BROTHER, you two need to LOVE each other" I would repeat similar versions, where the all caps words were emphasised, not yelled. It really seemed to work to call on that relationship and sort of build that love bond.

3. Keep the older one busy and engaged in activity. 3 yr olds do not handle boredom well. If you are doing chores, bring him along side you to work with you. Keep him with you mostly or assign him a task "you color at the table while momma cooks supper" "you build with your legos while I fold this laundry"

4. Don't forget the training of the younger one - don't always assume that the younger is the victim. At 15 months, my 2nd would often provoke my 3 yr old. Not that it warrents retailliation, but lets face it, the 3 and under set is not very good yet with those social skills. Its sort of like you being at playgroup 24/7. During this time, I really had to spend most all my kids waking moments teaching them to interact with one another.

In fact - I still spend a great deal of time on that :-) Only now it's with my 3rd 3 yr old!! It was very rewarding today to watch my oldest training her not to barge into the bathroom when someone is going potty! "Now Corrie, go back and knock and let's pretend" knock, knock "Who is it?" (her) "Corrie", (him:) "okay, wait just a minute and I'll be out" Then he comes out and says "now that's the right way to do it" Isn't that neat!?!

Anyway - hope this helps,
Melinda