i've turned into a yeller the past year of my life. My 2 year old tests me EVERY day, and i'm trying SO hard to be more positive disciplined, but its not working. I'm a very task oriented and my DH is working so much that i'm the only one that can get anything done around here. I know that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter if the laundry is folded or dishes washed, so i try to ignore them sometimes, but it sits there and eats at me. My 2 year old has cabin fever cuz we have no car, and he gets tired of being in this stupid house, so everything is a battle of wills and a test to my limit. It seems like i yell at him all the time, and he's really such a GOOD child that i feel like such a schmuch by the end of the day. You know, if i FELT good about yelling at him, knowing it was the right thing, then it would be ok. But its NOT. everything is a battle, and i am scared if i let go then he'll just go hogwild. And if he does is that a bad thing.......He's so into mimicking me and copying me that he's kinda "fussing" at his toys and at his brother. i KNOW the problem is ME. How do i stop this? What do i do?

More of a vent than anything........right now i just feel like the worst mother in the world. I have 2 awesome little boys and it seems like all i do is rag on my 2 year old. I know that we need to get out, and believe me when the weather is good we go for walks to the playground, etc.....that and i need some adult time with his daddy. But that's a whole nother issue, and still doesn't make it ok to yell at him. :wah: :wah: :wah:

I had this big long post typed out and when I went to submit it I changed my mind because it seemed to be more about me and my problems than addressing you ;)

I just want to say first off, take a breath. Its ok. You love your children. You have a lot going on. It IS hard to be stuck in the house. The age your 2yr old is isnt the easiest time either. Im not one to give out advice about how to stay calm, I dont even know how to do that. But when I do yell at the kids, I try to talk to them about it. I talk to my 3 yr old at bedtime and tell her that it wasnt her fault when mommy yelled, that I get frustrated and it doesnt mean Im mad at her. I apologize and we both talk about things we can do the next day to avoid that sort of thing. Sounds all Marry Poppinsish the way Im making it sound, but it really isnt, every parent has their own language with their child, you have to approach it the way they understand it kwim?


Anyhow, it sounds like you have a lot going on, I hope things get better. I do know exactly how you feel though, if that means anything. sometimes its ok to know that other people are going through the same struggles.

Always have been...I yell then get on with my life. It's just how I am...

Yeah me too. I do it, my mother did it and probably her mama too. I hate it really and it makes me feel really crappy that most times i can't just enjoy my children cause they are always into something and so I yell. It never helps.

Today i wished i could be Meeshi, or at least to live like that. That would be a dream world for me and I'm happy for her it's real. *speaking of her with her family, not necessarily the back drop in which she lives though that would be conductive for peace I'm sure*

This too is much about me but i really don't have anywhere else to come from. I like the other mama's advice. I have to do that too. I'm often apologizing cause I yelled when my 2 yr old is on top of the washer for the 5th time that day while dd is in the bathroom making a mess on the mirror and ds is pulling all the just now folded clothing off the couch etc. I've really had to give in a little and choose my battles. I've found that the vaccuum cleaner is a handy tool to keep a toddler out of my folded laundry long enough for me to put it away. I just turn it on, give him the hose and let him suck up whatever his little heart desires lol. He's pretty good about making it only crumbs on the floor and that's one less thing for me to do. We get a lot of vaccuming done around here.

Sorry i don't have any advice. Just wanted to say you're not alone.

LorieJo

yes i am! shame on me.
my mom was a yeller so was my ganny!
i hate it when i hear myself yelling like a maniac.i do not hit my kids but i yell.
i feel horrible,today was a huge yelling day.my 2 year old decided no one can have cookies except her,my 8 year old decided jumping on the couch was a wonderful past time,my 16 month old decided kicking the puppy was to **** fun.
i try everyday to not yell and sometimes i just scream at the top of my lungs AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and everyone looks at me like dude you are nuts!
i really need to stop but it really does not even phase my kids anymore sheesh.
i hate myself for yelling.
i feel like a complete moron right now for even telling you all this.

All I can say is I feel for you. Sometimes I have an out of body experience and I hear myself. It makes me sad.

Try to take a deep breath. We're all human, some of us just have a shorter patience/lower tolerance.

Good luck. And if you need an ear, I'd be happy to listen to you yell. (((((

edited to correct misspelling (sorta a/r)

Yes - I do, I'm really tring to work on it.

Catch yourself mid yell in the mirror sometimes - that'll make you stop in your tracks.

My 3 (almost 4 yr old) is very convicting. She's whiny (she's 3!) and I talk to her a lot about "You can be mad, but you can't act ugly" and "be cheerful". One day, she was whining about putting on her socks (why must my kids all have sock issues?) and I said "be cheerful" she said "but you're not" WOW - talk about convicting. It made me realize that several years ago, I always had a smile on my face and sang and hummed happy songs all the time. Now, I'm significantly less agreeable.

Strategies:

1. Play some pleasant music in the background - it helps calm everyone.

2. Teach your children from the get go to help you with the housework. A 2 yr old can help put silverwear away, can carry folded towells to the linen closet, can help you put clothes in the washer, or dryer. Mostly - they are slowing you down, but If you work with them along side you, 2 things are gained. 1, they are not making a mess while you clean another! and 2, they are learning to be a help to you and when they are older, you will reap the benifit of this.

Another thing to keep in mind is that a life of leisure leads to mischief (for adults and 2 yr olds!). It is good to have your child see that most of your day is for working. Boys that don't have chores grow up to be lazy men who seek to escape responsibility through recreation (sports nuts, golfers etc). Not that a 2 yr old needs to spend all day working, but resonable chunks of time periodically throughout the day spent on work will be very good for them. This time should increase as they age. When my nearly 7 yr old complains about his chores, I remind him of how hard his daddy works for our family and how much he wants to grow to be a good man like his Daddy.

3. Give yourself a consequence for yelling (works for our kids, how about for us?!?) Find something motivating for yourself and try it. Some ideas - my sister puts $1 in a jar every time she yells (it then gets paid to the kids cause they are the ones she yells at - sort of a restitution idea). I've thought of making myself lose 15 min. of computer time for each yell (very motivating for me).

In return, reward yourself for not yelling, with a treat for you. A day without yelling = a warm bubble bath type of idea.

4. Get yourself an outlet. Put the kids to bed at an early enough hour so that you have some adult time (even if dh isn't home) to pursue some of your own interests.

Get a trusted sitter now and then and run errands without the kids or go out in the evening once they are all sleeping and do something fun for yourself. My baby is in bed by 7:00pm and the older kids are off to bed at 8:30 - it gives me time to relax. I go out about 1 time per week once the baby is in bed - DH puts the older ones to bed - even if it is just to the store (I'm on a church committe, I belong to a spinning guild, I get together once a month with 2 girlfriends from elementary school)

These things all help me keep my cool and stay more relaxed. I haven't cut it out completely yet, but I'm trying.

HTH - Melinda

OMG! I thought I was the only one! After my babes go to bed....and I have a moment to think.....I cry sometimes because of the yellin' and screamin' that had gone on during the day. I've woken my 6yodd up a time or two to apologize. She always says" I still love you". But really....I must be damaging them. I HATE it. Does anyone have any ideas/books/theories/ANYTHING!?!?! to help stop this abusive behavior? I've actually thought that maybe if I "got something" from my doctor....antidepressant....maybe that would help.
I'll take any advice I can get.
Shamefully, Christine

{{{HUGS}}}

Everytime I see a post from you I think, "I HAVE to find time to hang out with her!" :)

As soon as Gabe is over this illness I'll be calling you...

As a former yeller and a child of a yeller, try to remember what you felt like when you were yelled at as a kid. I know I felt like an animal trapped in a corner, and I flet betrayed by my Mom in a way... By seeing things from your child's perspective at times like that, you can control your instict to yell... :) In my experience, anyway... :)

Jessica

Yeller here too! (ya see?!)
Half the time, in our house, if ya don't yell it, ya won't likely be heard by anyone.

Anger yelling? Sure, I do it sometimes. I try to keep it to a minimum, and never directed toward Landon~it would prolly scare him and make him very sad~but my change of tone and octave w/the older kids is effective most times ('cept w/my teen-grrr), and is useful in getting their attn when they get busy doing something they shouldn't be.

Yelling is a gift passed down from my mum. Although she could scream like a crazed banshee, she was a good mum, and loved me very much :)

We're a loud family, so my voice being heard over the noise & five other voices HAS to be loud or there would be no direction.
I am very ap oriented, and mother instinctively~yet~I yell. I know there are more of you out there who do the same. It's like the TABOO SECRET OF NON-SPANKERS :p

Ok i will step up and admit it to. I am a YELLER. I find somedays that is all i do. My 3 yr and 2 yr old are at the battle of the wills stage and 8 yr old just likes to argue becuase he can.

I wish i could find a way to handle things rather then yell but it seems nothing will work and threats of do not work. Time outs in there rooms do not work.

I guess i am destined to a life as a yeller. I wish i could find a solution and i am sure my neighbors love to hear me when the windows are open.

I wish i had some advice for you. I will hang my head right along with you and let you know you are not alone.

Kelly

eddited to add.... I laid the kids down at 1 for nap it is now 3:30 i have spent the last several hours yelling and trying to get them to stay in there rooms and not play w each other. If they would just stay in there own rooms and rest i would be happy.I think they are finally consenting because i told them they could not go over to a friend of ours house later.URGH!

I find I tend to yell more when I have stress about something else on my mind.
When I find myself yelling I try to get a handle on the thing causing my stress so I can be more calm in my parenting.

Maybe there is something else happening in your life which makes you less able to handle the childraising stress. A possibility to consider.

:)

Oh honey I hear ya! I too yell wayyy too much at my 2.5 yo ds and I feel very guilty about it. I really don't have any advice, just (((hugs))) and BREATH, COUNT and PRAY. :) And Jessica, thanks for the prospective. I know all to well what it felt like to be yelled at as a kid, heck even now I cry, lol.

I used to be. And I have worked really hard on changing that. Now I can honestly say that I hardly ever yell in anger. But it was hard to break the habit though.

I have just been adding this to my list of worries. I often feel like the worst, most disorganized, irresponsible, unreasonable, lazy, selfish mom, so I feel it too. I could talk about this for hours. If anyone wants to become my email buddy for support on this, I would love it, just pm me.

I always try to remember that I am doing the best I can with what I have now, but I never listen to myself.

LESLIE

Sadly...yes I am. :( I work on it, but then I just lose my cool. It always happens when I'm tired or frustrated (of course). I feel horrible each and every time. Most of the time I can be calm and talk to my family...but it's just those stupid times.

I have to talk myself out of yelling...I try to take a deep breath and then tell myself it's NOT that bad...it's not a yelling issue, etc.

Okay...losing my cool as I type...the oldest is aggravating the youngest. :rolleyes: Oh my!

Originally posted by MamaMiah
It's like the TABOO SECRET OF NON-SPANKERS :p


I DO NOT want to start a debate on this, but I believe yelling, regardless of what you yell, is much more damaging and completely ineffective. I believe that when I yell at my children, they simply learn not to listen to my voice. They also hear the anger and are deeply hurt by it. It is something that I do not excuse as okay behavior, but rather something I am deeply ashamed that I do and try very hard to keep myself from doing.

Anna, would you mind sharing with us how you were able to break the habit?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by hadalamb
Anna, would you mind sharing with us how you were able to break the habit? [/QUOTE

Well...it sounds weird, but someone close to me yelled at me about something that was totally uncalled for. (It was another adult and I was an adult) And i felt so humiliated and small, not about the situation but just the yelling. There was something about the loudness and the rage that shut the door to my soul.And after that incident I trusted that person less.

And i realized that if I felt like that as an adult, how much more my kids would be affected. So I would ask myself whenever I felt like yelling:"How do I want my child to feel after this incident is over? Shut down and sad and small, or corrected and feeling like it is worth it to try better next time?

I realized that yelling was a release for my anger but not a solution to the problem. Instead, if i felt powerless at the moment to change things or come up with a consequence, I would tell the child in a serious tone that "something will happen as a result of this. I am going to spend some time thinking of the best consequence for you". Eventually it would just be"something will happen" if I could not find a good way to deal with the immediate problem. Now if it was a very small child I would simply put them in their room or some other form of time out. But an older child can understand and respect your need to think. And you are then much less likely to blurt out some useless line like:"You are grounded for a week" when you know you won't follow through with that anyway. Then I would sit down with them and tell them that as a result of action "a", I had decided on consequence "b". It seems to work for us. It also gives me time to reflect on the situation and once the anger is less I am usually more fair about the consequence.

Now don't get me wrong. If one of the kids is about to do something dangerous I still yell out to stop them at times. Nobody's perfect. And sometimes I still yell, but rarely now.

HTH

No, my mom did so I can't. But I do "Yell in my head" all the time. Hugs...take a deep breath, before you know it they'll be grown...

I do yell and I hate myself for it. What drives me crazy is that I would never ever talk to DH that way...so why do I do it to the baby?!? I'm trying with all my might not to ever speak to her in a disrespectful manner, but it's so hard. I was spanked and screamed at as a child and I remember vividly how it felt to be hurt both ways. It breaks my heart to think that I might be making my DD feel the same way. It's just really hard sometimes. *hugs!*


Jamie

Well, there's a difference in yelling, and yelling belittling and mean things....kwim? I know when some people hear "yelling", they assume things like "How could you do that? How could you be so stupid or clumsy?", etc. That's verbal abuse, not "yelling".........I yell, and am trying to less and less.....but don't see it damaging like spanking/hitting or verbal abuse or even in the same category. And I am ok with it coming from my kids too. If Justin is mad and having a bad, hard, aggravating day, I am ok with him having a release of emotions "melt down" now and then, and yelling about how nothing is going right and how his tower keeps falling down. Again, it's different than if he was having a hard day and decided to unleash on me or his sister and attacked one of us verbally or physically......*those* melt-downs get quick attention and diffusion and explanations and understandings to why it's not ok to hurt others, verbally or physically.

:)

I yell. I don't want my kids to grow up and remember me as the screaming banshee but I have such a hard time controlling it :( Dh yells too so we are an awful pair.

My boys only hear me when I am yelling :( I say things in a nice tone 3 times before I have to yell to get their attention. I don't know what else to do. Its not always possible to get in their face to talk to them.

I'm glad to know that i'm not the *only* one that yells. Honestly, it makes me nuts. My parents (my dad more than anything) yelled when we were kids and it always made me feel so horrible. I DO believe that we yell at times as a tension type relief, and i'm ok with that. But what got me the day i first posted was i yelled at my son for something, i can't even remember what, and he hung his head and had such a tortured look on his face. That really affected me. And i decided then and there that the problem is MINE, not his, he's only being himself. he's 2, he's supposed to get into things and be mischevious. So i am trying the 1-2-3 thing, when he's misbehaving, i start counting. It actually works better when i start at 5, then count backwards to 1. If i get to 1, then he has to go to his room. And i am trying VERY hard to not spank, because *I* believe that when i feel the need to spank, its in the heat of the moment. That's in anger, and i do NOT want to spank in anger. So i am working on myself to walk away for a couple of minutes and return to the situation. IF after my walk away i still feel the need to spank then i would, but often i'm realizing that if i can just get up the strength to walk away, then when i return I'm not angry so i don't feel the urge to spank. make sense? I ask myself "would i spank him if i weren't angry?" no i wouldn't. So why do it at all? That's wrong to hit in anger, and he gets in trouble if HE hits in anger, so i shouldn't do it either.

I DO NOT want to start a debate on this, but personally - I would much rather spank than yell. At least spanking (properly administered) can be an effective tool where yelling (I believe) is much more damaging and completely ineffective. I believe that when I yell at my children, they simply learn not to listen to my voice.

This is at least my view within my family and the way I handle things - YMMV

I couldn't disagree more. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to spank, although this is something my DH and i disagree on as well. I know that anytime i've spatted my child has been because he's misbehaving and making ME angry. If you hit in anger, then its wrong. If i'm not angry, then why would i hit him?

I'm TRYING TRYING TRYING not to yell. I hate it. I know my children hate it. And my DH hates it. So i'm working SOOO hard. I am taking it day by day. I've also realized that i yell more from 5pm to bedtime than ANY part of the day, usually when i'm on the phone. My son seems to go bonkers when i'm on the phone so i'm trying to figure out how to avoid that. lol

Thanks everyone, its so nice to know i'm NOT alone and we are all in this together!!! :)

{{{HUGS}}}

Everytime I see a post from you I think, "I HAVE to find time to hang out with her!"

As soon as Gabe is over this illness I'll be calling you...

As a former yeller and a child of a yeller, try to remember what you felt like when you were yelled at as a kid. I know I felt like an animal trapped in a corner, and I flet betrayed by my Mom in a way... By seeing things from your child's perspective at times like that, you can control your instict to yell... In my experience, anyway...

Jessica

Jessica, i k now you are busy! But don't worry, we'll get together yet! I hope Gabe is feeling better soon! OH and we are going car shopping this week! KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED!!! lol Then we can meet up somewhere and let the kids play!! I'm just glad when i'm having a tough time i have Amity's to fall back on! I don't know what i'd do without this board.

I always felt, as a child, I would rather be hit than yelled at. And with this I mean raising the voice in anger, no matter what the words are. Because as a child you don't really hear the words, you just hear the octive and see you parent's anger/rage directed at you. It's quite frightening on the child's end.

Hugs, I hope you find another outlet, perhaps by talking about it we can help eachother.

AnneMarie, I totally agree....it must be a difference of *how* we are all seeing and viewing and using "yelling".

And personally, I'd not want to choose a lesser evil of being hit or verbally abused as a child....both are damaging to me, both cause shame, low self esteem, humilation, etc.

Yelling is not verbal abuse...there is a difference. It's not a great thing to do, but like AnneMarie's examples, it's far different from verbally attacking or shaming a child.

Good point Denise!

Originally posted by MGray
I would much rather spank than yell. At least spanking (properly administered) can be an effective tool where yelling (I believe) is much more damaging and completely ineffective. I believe that when I yell at my children, they simply learn not to listen to my voice.

Though a very unpopular opinion here at AW I totally agree.

I grew up with a yeller dad. Even when he tried to talk nicely, he's voice still sounded angry to me. I never knew what to expect with regards to the yelling. He was like a volcano that went off every now and again. To this day I am hyper-sensitive to yelling or angry sounding voices. In fact if I ever raise my voice to my children, which is very very infrequently, they tune me out just like I tuned my dad out.

I have found that when your children only obey you when you yell it's often becasue you have inadvertantly taught them to only do what you have asked if you yell. If we were more careful about expecting first time lisening and following thru with our requests our children would lisen to us when if we whispering LOL!

Advocating spanking as an alternative and viable tool is NOT acceptable. No debate, period.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions, yet at Amity's request this is not a discussion that I want to see continued on the boards.

About yelling - I agree that it can be done in different and more or less damaging ways. I yell sometimes too, out of frustration, anger, overwhelm etc. But I *try* to make it about ME, not about my dd.

Example:
Powder all over the changing table, the floor, my dd, and mixed with diaper cream all over the changing table, the floor and my dd. OMG I was PO'd! Cleaning up one mess and then onto the next is SO aggravating!

So my choices for expressing my feelings:
"What are you doing? You're making a huge mess for me to clean up! Why would you make a mess when you know I'm cleaning up one already?"

"OMG - I'm SO irritated right now! I want to have some time to relax and not have more to clean up! I feel really annoyed seeing this powder and cream on the table, floor and all over your hands!"

The volume and tone of my voice isn't changed, but the message TOTALLY is. It's about the outcome (my frustration about having more to clean up and wanting some time for rest), not about HER being bad or misbehaving. Does that make sense?

I also know when I'm yelling or want to yell, that my own needs have been neglected for too long. It's a huge wake-up call for me to take some time for ME. That may mean doing something together that *I* enjoy, or getting time off when dh gets home or during her nap time. IMO, yelling is a symptom and flashing light about my needs...not about what my dd is or is not doing.

Of course I don't want to yell, but there are things I could do that would be a lot more damaging to myself and to my family.

Originally posted by Tap dancin mama

I have found that when your children only obey you when you yell it's often becasue you have inadvertantly taught them to only do what you have asked if you yell. If we were more careful about expecting first time lisening and following thru with our requests our children would lisen to us when if we whispering LOL!

I was going to say this also, in response to Tiffany's post. I used to say the same thing about my kids that they only listened when I counted at them. It was crazy! Up until a few weeks ago, I was still counting to my 10 yo (now 11). he would NOT obey until I counted!! I was perplexed. That's awfully old!!

Then one day the light bulb went on... I had *trained* him not to listen until I counted to 3!! What a surprise. :rolleyes: Seriously, I hadn't even realized it. He's in counseling anyway, so we talked to the counselor and worked out a new "program" for him, basically for ME to now teach him to obey the first time. It's not perfect, but going very nicely. WAY better. never count, and I'm trying not to do it much with the littler ones either to avoid that issue.

Anyway, same w/yelling... if you yell to indicate "this means business, do it now" then they know they can push you that far. You're training them to NOT listen until they hear the yelling.

I did not grow up w/yelling. I grew up w/spanking though and my "not spanking" tends to come out in yelling. I hate it. These are anger and control issues and as adults it's our responsibility to work on them and get over them.

I had a friend in hs who's mom would have rages. She was not abusive or anything, but would rage pretty bad. I talked to him recently and he said she rarely even gets angry anymore. It's taken her all these years, but she's kept working at it and will until anger isn't a challenge for her any more.