My DS is 3 1/2. He is sensitive and intense. He also has many moments of being happy, easy going, care free. I just think he is more sensitive and intense than most people his age. I truly believe this is part of his inate personality. I am not sure I want to change it (there are benefits to being sensitive and it is under rated especially in boys). I am wanting ideas about how to handle it better. I am often conflicted because it is easy to think that discipline might be the answer. I am sure there are many who think it is. In my heart of hearts, I just can't think that is what will work for us. Instead, I feel I need to develop ways to anticipate and respond more appropriately.

Let me give an example from something that just happened. DS was hungry and wanted a snack. It is 10:30 AM. He had breakfast, a juice and then later some whole wheat crackers. I know that DS tends to want to eat more carbs (be it complex or simple) and often needs some protein. I offered him a higher protein snack. He became upset. I gave him some choices and he was still upset. He didn't want any of those and wanted "a snack." He had the beginning of a tantrum. I said "I know you want a snack." He was too upset to really hear anything I said, so I just acknowledged he wanted a snack and was upset. He wasn't having a full blown tantrum. It seemed any words I said were making him more upset, so I just went in another room and went on doing my own thing. DS finally came in crying and sat on my lap. We cuddled and he calmed down -- and then he chose one of the choices I offered. Some of my friends would have counted to three, admonishing to quiet down. Some of my friends would have sent DS to room. I feel that DS had a normal reaction to not getting his way. I mean, it is hard to not get what we want, whether we are 3 or 33. I know DS needs to learn that he cannot always have his way. Much of the time, he is ok with it -- not being able to stay up as late as he wants, not always being able to do what he wants. I just think he is slightly more inclined to have an over sensitive response than many children his age. There are many good things about this too. That same sensitivity shines through in how he interacts with his younger sister, as well as how he responds to things that make him happy. He often responds intensely to things that are funny, silly, etc.

I think one reason I second guess myself is because my mom has said negative things about this aspect of DS's personality. She has said that DS is sensitive and stressed because DH and I are stressed. In all honesty, DH and I are not overly stressed. We have normal stresses that young families have, but also have means of coping with stress (i.e. strong relationship, friends, faith). Are we perfect? No. She perceives us as over stressed because we seldom have time away from our children. I related in another post that she is anti breastfeeding and feel it ties me down to DD. She absolutely cannot fathom that we can enjoy our little ones so much. Also, we ARE more stressed around her...but most people are more stressed around her. Finally, my DD shows no signs of being highly sensitive. Her personality is completely different. I'm not sure that I'd call her easy going (she's 2 after all), but she's not so sensitive as DS. DS was very sensitive even as a young baby.

Thanks for any insight y'all can offer about handling sensitive children...and maybe insensitive mothers. ;)

~Rondi~

I think you handled the snack situation well. As long as you don't give in to his tantrums, or cater to him because he is sensitive, then there dosn't seem to be an issue.

(Side note - I knew a girl in college that was 'sensitive' and you always had to do it her way or she'd be sure and let you know how you 'hurt her feelings' and she didn't mind tromping all over your feelings. People didn't like her because she was pretty high maintance. So, as long as your DS learns manners and dosn't act that way, sensitive is fine. Some people (adults) use it as an excuse to be manipulative)

I let my kids express their emotions - it dosn't mean that I'm going to change my mind. I will tell my 6 yr old (pretty intense kid) that the discussion has ended and he's welcome to go "tell it to a tree" - meaning he can go outside and rant and rave where he won't bother others.

I will sometimes send them to their rooms or leave the room they are in because I don't really want to listen to their rant. I wouldn't have left my 3 yr old in your snack situation (I would have picked her up and placed her on her bed) mainly because she would have snuck into the snack cupboard and helped herself!!

As for your mother - I'd say things like "that's very interesting, I'll consider it" and blow her off.
Melinda

I think the way you handled it was wonderful - especially since its the way 'I' would have done it!:p

My son is very similar. I truly think i can tell the difference between normal kid 'tantrums' and when he is truly disturbed by something I can't quite identify. There is a difference in his actions.

For instance, sometimes he gets fixated on things happening in a certain order or to be done by a certain person. If that doesn't happen he gets quite upset - really upset, real tears, shaky - not the angry type of tears with a tantrum.
I try to help him identify his feelings and be with him - but if its anything I 'can' change I'll do it.
My parents interpret this as 'giving in' or 'babying' him - they have all kinds of criticism.
What I know is that I have a very sensitive very sweet very loving boy - and that to just tromp on those 'needs' even tho' they don't make sense to me would be wrong.

Even with just good old 'temper tantrums' I will do the same - recongnize his feelings but then after a time tell him that if he needs to continue to be angry he needs to go in the other room for awhile. He'll calm down and come sit with me- then we can talk about it.
If I were to send him to his room or tell him to 'just stop it' it would escalate the episode. As it is, when he calms down its such a teachable moment. He remembers and will later repeat what I say to him then. ("We share things with each other, don't we? We don't talk mean to our friends" etc)

Its hard to have such a sensitive boy but I love it. I want to KEEP that sensitivity not kill it.
He still tells his friends he loves them (he's 4.5). I'm sad that the little boys will deride him for that now.

Have you ever read "The Courage to raise good men"?
Great book. Also one I haven't read yet but that sounds like my boy 'the Indigo Children'. Theres a website under that name that talks about the temperament type.

I've had to tell my parents to back off - we've had some rough times. But we've agreed to disagree - I just try to 'run interference' asap if I see a situation starting.
It makes me sad tho' that they can't see the 'whole' child.

Hang in there and trust your instincts!
Best wishes!

PS I also have a 15 mo old who does NOT have this sensitivity - I can see such a difference from the get go.
My parents just love her. We of course have treated them just the same. Sigh.