I have needed to post this for some time. I love my children. I *strongly* believe in child-led everything. They love spending all of their time with or near me. And I generally love it too.

This fall, I will need to start school. I want to take as many distance courses as I can to help them. Eventually, the time is going to come that I am going to have to leave the house without them.

I only get to go out by myself every blue moon. They get scared and sad and confused when I leave and it pains me and them greatly. (I am so sad writing this!)

Can anyone give me ideas or suggestions on how to help them through this?

Ideas from an NVC standpoint are greatly welcome!!

It's SO good to see you around again mama! :)

I'm guessing you're feeling really apprehensive about the transition, and needing to do so as gently and mindfully as possible. You want your kids to be supported and understood with their feelings of fear and anxiety (that you're think they will be feeling).

From an NVC standpoint - stick with feelings and needs. Whenever your children are expressing themselves (either in word or behavior) ask yourself "What might she/he or I be feeling?" and "What might she/he or I be needing?". This will really help you remain present for them (or yourself) and empathy goes a LONG way toward diffusing a situation. You don't even need to go onto strategies or problem solving. Really!

Talk about how YOU feel about it, and what YOUR needs are in relation to school. Say it in words they will understand, and be sure to give yourself LOADS of self-empathy (or ask a fellow giraffe for some ;) ). Your kids may or may not be able to be present with your feelings and needs (depends on if they have received enough empathy for their own), but without having enough yourself it will be very difficult to remain present for theirs.

Truly - I believe the most important step in the NVC process is self-empathy. Without it, we can't maintain a heart connection with others over time.

All of that being said - my suggestion would be to start taking small trips and telling the kids you will be back at a certain time, show them on the clock and BE BACK at that time. "Mommy always comes back" is a term we've used from the beginning of me leaving Ava for things. Also, be sure they are with someone who is able to offer them support in their feelings/needs while you are gone. Some things that may be helpful: have a project for them to do while you're gone, or a special outing or activity; encourage whomever is staying with them to talk about their feelings when you're gone; plan special time with them for when you'll be back; and talk about leaving before you do. Tell them what you'll be doing, that you'll be thinking of them and missing them and how happy you will be to come home to them again.

I hope some of this is helpful and what you're looking for. Are you on the NVC parenting group? Send a blank email to nvc-parenting-subscribe@yahoo.com and I'm sure you'll get more support, empathy and suggestions.

Hugs mama, how exciting to be starting school! What's your course of study?
~Amy

Thanks Amy. I am on the email list. I actually just noticed that someone nearby has joined as well. There are also some women in the homeschool group reading NVC as well. So I think I will post and ask about people in the area wanting to start a practice group.

I am feeling *very* apprehensive about this change. The only sure thing in this world is constant change. I keep telling myself this but it is not the kind of empathy I need. When I was young, I wanted to be much more attached to my mom than she would let me be, and had time to let me be. This really hurt and I don't want Gillian to have to go through this as well.

I feel this is all happening so fast, so I have asked ex to think about where he is in this issue so we can discuss doing it at a more gradual pace. He will still be getting so much more money than we will yet he thinks he won't be able to support himself. I will most likely continue that conversation this weekend, since I have to have some kind of plan to present to the college counselor next Friday.

I definitely want my children to feel understood and supported. Divorce is one of the top five most stressful events in life. I am a product of divorce and even though I think it was the best thing my mom could have done for herself and her children, it was still an extremely painful event for us.

And for all of this, I don't feel I get much empathy nor support from my family. I have so few places I can get empathy. Where else do I turn?

Thank you immensely for your empathy, insights and suggestions. They have met needs of better clarity.

I'm so sad reading that you don't have the empathy and support that you desire from your family/friends. I would love to offer you my support and empathy when you need it and I'm able to be present for you. Does this ease your mind at all?

You have my phone number still? LMK if not and I'll pm it to you.

Hugs mama,
~Amy
PS - roosmom is another giraffe here at AW, so she's someone else you might want to connect with. Joyce - I just volunteered your empathic services. ;)