I am at a loss lately. Lily refuses to hold our hands when walking somewhere. She doesn't want to sit in a stroller, she doesn't want to sling, she doesn't want to sit in a cart. I try to give her choices whenever I can, I ask her if she wants to sit in the stroller or the cart, if she wants to hold my hand and walk or sit down, etc. I try to respect her need for independence but at the same time I need to keep her safe.

If she was more cautious perhaps this wouldn't be such an issue for me. I won't compromise on her holding my hand when in a parking lot, crossing the street, crowded area, etc. This is why I am starting to think a harness would be a good idea. It would allow her to walk alone, yet not run away from me and get hurt.

It's gotten to the point where I'm really scared to let her walk anywhere. She runs straight into the street, she takes off in public. She has no fear about being out of my sight, and there have been many times lately when I've had to leave Chloe to go chasing after Lily to get her before she is out of sight, in the street, etc. That's just not an option for me anymore. I thought this issue would be resolved a long time ago...we have always been firm about the times she needs have her hand held so I always assumed she would learn that we're not budging and stop fighting it so much.

It really isn't fair to Chloe anymore either. We end up having to leave activities or things that she is really enjoying because Lily keeps running away. It's next to impossible to go anywhere with the two of them when dh is at work.

So I'm starting to feel that I either need to keep her in a stroller, which she will hate, or use a toddler harness. I am not sure how she would feel about that and I know I feel bad for considering putting a "leash" on my child. But I would never forgive myself if one day I wasn't fast enough and she got hurt, or if something happened to Chloe when I had to take off after Lily.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

yes - I would and I have. Not as a first resort - but I would rather do that than have a tragedy with a child running into the street. Mostly it was with my oldest when she was 2 1/2 and I had a 1 1/2 year old and a newborn to deal with. My mom bought the harness when she came out to help after Maddy was born because Melissa kept doing the running away thing. How I used it was that I talked to her before going out about needing to always stay right with Mommy and not run off. She was told if she ran off - she would have to wear the harness, so that I could make sure she stayed safe. When she started to go - she would get 1 (and ONLY ONE!) warning. Something like "Do I need to put the toddler harness on you or can you stay with Mommy?". So I used it as a natural consquence of her behaviour - not as a given thing. At the beginning - I needed to use it a lot - She hated it and it became a motivating factor for behaviour. (Be prepared that she may refuse to walk at all and you might have to carry her anyway). However, after doing this consistantly for a few weeks - she got the idea. Even now - if she starts to run to far away when we are out - I can say "Melissa, do I need to put the harness on you?" and she'll say "NO" and come back right away. The last time I did this - I realized after I said it that I didn't even HAVE the harness with me. Maddy is getting to that stage now, so it looks like I'll be in for this again soon.

Yes, I would. Safety is important and I think sometimes for some children they are necessary. It only takes a split second for a child to be snatched or lost especially in crowded places. I only used one once on my oldest at the State Fair because it was so crowded and my daughter was known to bolt and wouldn't sit in a stroller and refused to hold my hand. I am thinking of getting one for my 2 year old because he is wild and very much like #1. He is impulsive like she was as a toddler and in a crowded place if he saw something that he wanted a closer look at, he would no doubt bolt to it and it only takes a second to lose a child.

Some children really need them. It depends a lot on the temperment and disposition of the child, I found that out from having 4 very different kiddos. :)

Well, I've never used one but I would if I had to. I'd rather have my daughter in therapy at 20 than never see her 20th birthday.

That said, I would stop giving choices. If you say "You can either hold my hand or walk next to me" kids will, in my experience, find a third option. With Annabelle I say "We are crossing the street. Here is my hand to hold while we cross." I just don't let her have the option for anything else. She did fight it for a while, but I did not budge and I have (never* budged in the issue. Once you budge then the kid thinks that the issue is up for grabs at any other time.

I do tell her why the safety rule is there. For example, when we are walking across a street or through a parking lot I tell her "Cars may not see you, so I hold your hand to make sure cars see you and don't hurt you."

Safety is a very basic thing to me, one that is my decision to make, not Annabelle's.

Thanks everyone. :) Still thinking about this...

I also wanted to clarify, that she is never given a choice about the times she *has* to hold my hand. If she fights me about holding my hand to cross a parking lot, she gets carried. When I said I give her choice whenever I can, I meant after we're out of the parking lot or whatever, she can choose where she wants to sit, or if she wants to walk with me. I always explain why she has to hold my hand too, and Chloe is quick to tell her things like "if you don't hold Mommy's hand, that car is going to squish you and then you will be dead." :rolleyes:

Thanks again for the replies.

I used to hate them.

My oldest never left my side.

From the moment my second (dd) was mobile, she would put her little head down and RUN. She was Houdini too - she could get out of any restraint such as stroller belts or my hand. I had a five year old and an new baby so chasing her was almost impossible.

This child could care less if she was running down a highway or in a store or across a field. She just wanted to RUN. It scared me to death!!!!

I finally got one of those harnesses. She had some freedom, which was good. I had a grip on her which was better. It took her a while to wiggle out of it, so I could catch her and stop her.

It was the only way I could take her anywhere without at least one other adult....preferably two.

FWIW, my sons are like leeches and my daughter is like the wind! LOL!!!

I used to hate them.

My oldest never left my side.

From the moment my second (dd) was mobile, she would put her little head down and RUN. She was Houdini too - she could get out of any restraint such as stroller belts or my hand. I had a five year old and an new baby so chasing her was almost impossible.

This child could care less if she was running down a highway or in a store or across a field. She just wanted to RUN. It scared me to death!!!!

I finally got one of those harnesses. She had some freedom, which was good. I had a grip on her which was better. It took her a while to wiggle out of it, so I could catch her and stop her.

It was the only way I could take her anywhere without at least one other adult....preferably two.

FWIW, my sons are like leeches and my daughter is like the wind! LOL!!!

Yes, I have used one. My il's camp every year up near the Entiat (sp?) river, and it is cold, fast glacier melt water, yk? The campsite if pretty far from any civilization. So there was no way I was letting our toddler not wear that thing while we climbed around by it. We did make our own though, cause a velcro store one would have just unvelcro'd right off her.
Gladly we've never had to use it for stores.
hth! Jess

No, I have never used one. And would never. I have negative "issues" with them.......only cause of how I have seen them used. Now, I used to think they were terrible, abusive, etc. BUT that was cause of how I saw them used! People using them to basically ignore their kids, not letting them explore, pulling them back, yanking on them........I saw one Mama who spanked her dd everytime she'd "pull" forward on it, like they'd pass a store at the mall, and the little girl would point and try to walk towards the item/store.....she'd get spanked and yanked back. )o: This is the only way I saw them used til very recently.....So truly, I think you can abuse them, but you can abuse strollers and such too. Kwim? Used right? I think they are fine if needed to keep a child safe. (o: *I* just have some odd issue with them, and feel odd about using them/one. It's hard, and Justin was like your dd......and I admit I considered using one.....but I ended up letting him know he *needed* to hold my hand, or I had to carry him.....he'd fling himself all over and I'd be carrying a screaming, tantruming child, LOL, but he eventually learned, and thank goodness he did....it's a hard stage! (o:

I've considered using one, but I never have. I lost JJ in a store one time for quite a while and it was very scary. I searched every aisle 3 times and no sign of him. we did find him (he was hiding in the bikes) but after that, I realized it was much better to have them on a "leash" than have them gone. We got by without using one, but then we had dd and she hates holding my hand and she's getting to not like her stroller/sling so much either. But since I had that experience with JJ, I won't let her walk by herself in the store most of the time. I tell her that she has to go in the sling or stroller. and in the parking lot she has to hold my hand and so does JJ. That's been a firm rule from the beginning and I've carried a tantruming toddler across the parking lot many times LOL sounds like that's your rule too, good for you!

it's hard with this age because I want her to have some independence but it's so easy to lose them that I just can't give it to her in the store. I let that wait until we are at a park or in our yard or on a walk in our neighborhood. (which makes me a wreck too because I'm scared she'll run into the road)

That's exactly where I am...I don't want to ignore her needs for independence but my number one job is to keep her safe. Last week we went and got lunch, dh was paying and Lily was flipping out so I took Chloe and Lily to the car while he was paying. I was opening the car doors and she takes off around the corner of the building. Now I have to run after her with my car doors open, Chloe standing right there....I go to grab Lily and there's some creepy guy sitting behind the building! If I had even stopped to close my doors and taken Chloe with me, or if I had walked instead of running this guy could have snatched her and been gone. I haven't taken her out since until yesterday when we had to run to the store, I made her sit in the cart and the whole time she was screaming and trying to climb out. I really believe she would be happier being able to walk, and she refuses to hold my hand so she can't.

Denise, I think you know me enough to know I'm not going to be dragging her around by her "leash" lol! And it's not something that's going to be abused if I do use one. It's been 2 years now, and she's not growing out of it or accepting that there are times when she has to hold my hand. The only time she is not miserable is when she can walk freely and I'm not going to risk her being lost or taken or hurt, because she *will* take off each and every time. :(

Originally posted by tandemmama

it's hard with this age because I want her to have some independence but it's so easy to lose them that I just can't give it to her in the store. I let that wait until we are at a park or in our yard or on a walk in our neighborhood. (which makes me a wreck too because I'm scared she'll run into the road)

Oh goodness, no, Amber! I know you would never do that. I was just explaining why I did not give a broad "yes, I think they are fine" type reply.....because truly, I don't think in everyones hands they are fine. Kwim? Any type of thing like that has the potential for parents/people to abuse it, and sadly, with harnesses and leashes, it's about all *I* see them used for. I rarely see them used as *I* believe they were intended to be. Kwim? Strollers too.....However, in the *right* hands, they, strollers and harnesses, can be used well and can really help you and keep the little one safe....and yes, you definetely have the right hands for it. (o; I wish I could give a broad yes, I think those are fine, and know that most or all people would only be using them "properly".....but after seeing kids yanked on them, even "tied" (looped end stuck under the chair leg where Dad was sitting) up and the kid trying hard to walk away, with the parents laughing hysterically......:( ....I really can't say I think most people use them right, or should have them......but you? And the Mamas here? No doubt I am sure you would never abuse it!!!!!! :)

My 3yr old is the same way, will not hold my hand. I used to be against them but I have since bought one. My Gram simplified it for me. She said he may look like a dog on a leash but at least you know he is coming home with you. You know for sure you aren't going to be that mom waiting in the wings at the hospital b/c he was hit by a car, and you aren't going to be the mom sitting at the police station while they look for who snatched your baby. I have not felt bad about it since. I do not overuse it, I let him explore almost wherever he wants to while he has it on, and I never yank him around by it. It is not used unless he really is having a hard time holding my hand. I would use one and not feel badly about it. You are keeping your baby safe. HTH Kate

** edited to add** doesn't the maya wrap web site show a pic of being able to use your sling like a leash? i think those look much nicer than the harness but I don't have one so I don't know how they work.