KathyG
11-12-2002, 03:20 PM
This advise is not my own- it comes from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dealing with Difficult Employees by Robert Bacal and from Coping With Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D.
Why do people act in difficult ways?
Most people are difficult because of what they have learned or how they are rewarded for their bad behavior. People tend to repeat behaviors that have gotten them what they wanted in the past and seem to be getting them what they want in the present. People behaving in difficult ways are doing so because they have received some reinforcement for behaving that way; in non-psychological terms, they have been rewarded (or believe they have been) for behaving that way. Be alert to rewards or reinforcements a person might receive for bad behavior. People sometimes find odd things rewarding-for example, any negative attention. Make sure your reaction doesn't turn out to reward the behavior you want to stop. You can't change what the person has learned in the past. What you can do is act in ways that do not encourage the person to continue the difficult behavior. Here's are more considerations:
Often, the people we label as difficult just don't know any better. Think about these folks as not knowing how to deal successfully with a situation they face. They may not know how to act differently, or how to deal with a specific situation that is causing them discomfort.
Perhaps many individuals have a need to feel in control of their lives and what's going on around them. A person being difficult and creating problems is, in a sense, controlling those around him. People react to a difficult person. That allows a difficult person to manipulate, control, and influence, even if the reactions are negative. In a sense, the difficult person is creating those reactions, and therein lies the reinforcement.
Some people seem driven by a desire to cause reactions in other people. It's almost as if they don't believe they are alive and breathing unless they can stir up the people around them.
How to Cope
Becoming too involved in figuring out why people do what they do is usually a bad idea. It takes time; you'll often reach in incorrect conclusion; and it keeps you from dealing with behavior. In fact, you can't change the person's personality or character or much to do with who a person is. What you can do is react in ways that will reduce the difficult behavior, and perhaps help the person change the behavior over time.
Avoid these don'ts when dealing with difficult people:
Don't take dfficult people's behavior personally. Their troublesome behavior is habitual and affects most people with whom they come in contact.
Don't fight back or try to beat them at their own games. They have been practicing their skills for a lifetime.
Don't try to appease them. Difficult people have an insatiable appetite for more.
Don't try to change them. You can only change your responses to their behavior.
Kill them with kindness. The minute you react defensively, their aggression/annoyance level only increases.
Absorb what they dish out (without letting it affect you) and you'll disarm them.
Here's how you can cope effectively with four common types of difficult people.
Openly Aggressive People
Stand up to them, but don't fight. Overly aggressive people expect others to either run away from them or react with rage. Your goal is simply to assertively express your own views, not try to win a battle of right and wrong. First, wait for the person to run out of some steam. Then call the person by name and assert your own opinions with confidence.
Snipers
Difficult people are experts at taking potshots and making sneak attacks in subtle ways, such as humorous put-downs, sarcastic tones of voice, disapproving looks and innuendoes. You may feel uncomfortable replying to them because you don't like confrontation. This, however, allows snipers to get away with their covert hostility. Respond to a sniper with a question. That sounds like you're making fun of me. Are you? A sniper usually replies to such accusations with denial, I'm only joking. Nevertheless, questioning covert attacks may reduce the chance for similar attacks in the future.
Complainers
These are fearful people who have little faith in themselves and others because they believe in a hostile world. Their constant discouragement and complaining can bring everyone to despair. Don't try to argue these difficult people out of their negativity. Instead, respond with your own optimistic expectations.
Don't Give Up!
Dealing with difficult people takes practice, so don't get discouraged. Although these strategies won't change the difficult people, they will break their ability to interfere with your effectiveness. Most important, you'll feel more confident and you'll start to enjoy coming to AW.
Might come in handy sometime :)
Why do people act in difficult ways?
Most people are difficult because of what they have learned or how they are rewarded for their bad behavior. People tend to repeat behaviors that have gotten them what they wanted in the past and seem to be getting them what they want in the present. People behaving in difficult ways are doing so because they have received some reinforcement for behaving that way; in non-psychological terms, they have been rewarded (or believe they have been) for behaving that way. Be alert to rewards or reinforcements a person might receive for bad behavior. People sometimes find odd things rewarding-for example, any negative attention. Make sure your reaction doesn't turn out to reward the behavior you want to stop. You can't change what the person has learned in the past. What you can do is act in ways that do not encourage the person to continue the difficult behavior. Here's are more considerations:
Often, the people we label as difficult just don't know any better. Think about these folks as not knowing how to deal successfully with a situation they face. They may not know how to act differently, or how to deal with a specific situation that is causing them discomfort.
Perhaps many individuals have a need to feel in control of their lives and what's going on around them. A person being difficult and creating problems is, in a sense, controlling those around him. People react to a difficult person. That allows a difficult person to manipulate, control, and influence, even if the reactions are negative. In a sense, the difficult person is creating those reactions, and therein lies the reinforcement.
Some people seem driven by a desire to cause reactions in other people. It's almost as if they don't believe they are alive and breathing unless they can stir up the people around them.
How to Cope
Becoming too involved in figuring out why people do what they do is usually a bad idea. It takes time; you'll often reach in incorrect conclusion; and it keeps you from dealing with behavior. In fact, you can't change the person's personality or character or much to do with who a person is. What you can do is react in ways that will reduce the difficult behavior, and perhaps help the person change the behavior over time.
Avoid these don'ts when dealing with difficult people:
Don't take dfficult people's behavior personally. Their troublesome behavior is habitual and affects most people with whom they come in contact.
Don't fight back or try to beat them at their own games. They have been practicing their skills for a lifetime.
Don't try to appease them. Difficult people have an insatiable appetite for more.
Don't try to change them. You can only change your responses to their behavior.
Kill them with kindness. The minute you react defensively, their aggression/annoyance level only increases.
Absorb what they dish out (without letting it affect you) and you'll disarm them.
Here's how you can cope effectively with four common types of difficult people.
Openly Aggressive People
Stand up to them, but don't fight. Overly aggressive people expect others to either run away from them or react with rage. Your goal is simply to assertively express your own views, not try to win a battle of right and wrong. First, wait for the person to run out of some steam. Then call the person by name and assert your own opinions with confidence.
Snipers
Difficult people are experts at taking potshots and making sneak attacks in subtle ways, such as humorous put-downs, sarcastic tones of voice, disapproving looks and innuendoes. You may feel uncomfortable replying to them because you don't like confrontation. This, however, allows snipers to get away with their covert hostility. Respond to a sniper with a question. That sounds like you're making fun of me. Are you? A sniper usually replies to such accusations with denial, I'm only joking. Nevertheless, questioning covert attacks may reduce the chance for similar attacks in the future.
Complainers
These are fearful people who have little faith in themselves and others because they believe in a hostile world. Their constant discouragement and complaining can bring everyone to despair. Don't try to argue these difficult people out of their negativity. Instead, respond with your own optimistic expectations.
Don't Give Up!
Dealing with difficult people takes practice, so don't get discouraged. Although these strategies won't change the difficult people, they will break their ability to interfere with your effectiveness. Most important, you'll feel more confident and you'll start to enjoy coming to AW.
Might come in handy sometime :)