Bear with me, please. And I've been in a wicked mood for several days now (just restarted vit D as it hit me that with the lack of sun I might have dipped low already despite working in the sun daily in June/early July with little to no sunscreen - I'm very dark-skinned). And I think I'm sliding into "that time," although by the calendar I could have 2 weeks left. Maybe I o'ed early. I dunno.

So, I'm sure when this funk lifts (and we get a bit of sun) I'll feel better. But, here it is, as it stands.

I love gardening. I love caring for animals. I truly do. But I'm feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and exhausted right now. I feel like I put so much effort in for so little return. The weather is so fickle and it hurts so bad to have invested so much money and energy in the garden and have it just rain all over it and ruin it.

I love my writing work and it's starting to pay off. I can make quite a respectable hourly income doing it. Every hour I spend fussing in the garden is an hour I could be working. The more complex the growing of food becomes, the less time I have for work. I have been able to compartmentalize it pretty well up till now; I have worked from 8-5 most days, taking quick coffee breaks in the garden pulling weeds, but left the gardening and animal care for "after hours." Still, summer is not the most structured time for our family so it hasn't always worked out that neatly.

And, I want to expand to writing fiction, which will have to happen on evenings/weekends. They're already feeling so full with cleaning that I am considering, if this income holds, hiring someone to come in and clean once a week.

It's like I have two competing passions. I wanted to integrate them by writing about homesteading, but it hasn't worked out that that can happen for money, at this point.

I'm gonna go for a walk. But I am really seriously considering taking off next year. And this is only the 3rd year we're doing this (but by far our biggest expansion). Plant a cover crop, keep the layers, but that's it. Buy a CSA. I dunno. I'm sure I'll end up planting a garden at least. But it might be the same size as this year's. :)

It doesn't help that our other plans for next summer are (hopefully, if I can work enough) to build an addition on our house. Adding that work in to this summer would have made me crack completely. And we want to take a summer (perhaps 2010) to travel the country with the kids (K wants to do this, too). Traveling is not compatible with farming.

*big sigh* I have my moments when I want to move to the city. Not really. But...at least just have an acre or two of grass to mow, no outbuildings and crap to maintain, no animals in need of care, no garden going to seed or wilting in standing water.

Deep breath. Gonna go take a walk and get my head straight. Thanks for listening.

(This, despite the fact that we had friends over yesterday and everyone feasted on chicken we raised, and exclaimed over how delicious it was, and ate salad from our garden and their local CSA and basically everything on the table minus salt and pepper and olive oil came from within 5 miles of this place, and 80% of it came from our land.)

Fighting the urge to delete my post...but I will let my words stand.

I think I'm just exhausted. Lyme symptoms are up lately and I haven't eaten right for a few days so I'm feeling it.

I spent some time in the garden...it is still sunny so I'm on my way back out to soak up some rays before the deluge starts again. The garden was good, but I can't weed because I have a muscle spasm in my shoulder from overdoing it the other day (Lyme-triggered, it does that to your muscles) AND even if I didn't have my shoulder bugging me, I am pulling up huge wet hunks of soil with every weed - it's just not worth it to weed anything but galinsoga right now (which seems to do fine and march on in any weather).

I cannot plant carrots, beets and cabbage now. I think this season is done for. Sigh.

And yet, I realized that I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am still committed. I love it here. I love what we're doing. I just need a few days of pretending half the stuff on my list isn't there. I think having periods of overwhelm and freakout are a normal part of any busy life...I need to do self-nurturing things and rest and recuperate for a few days. Sigh....I feel so much better. See? I really just needed to talk to myself. :)

Ok, so you worked that all out in between your posts? :)

We live in Laura Ingalls land and I sometimes think of that first sod house the size of my dining room and it makes me suck it up a bit more. Still, there is a reason our life expectancy is longer than 100 years ago....it's called progress.

I understand your struggle with balance. If there was more time in the day. If I didn't need to rest or sleep. If if if...

Struggle and suffering. These are words that rattle in my head when I'm stooped over in the garden, not quite sure that I'll be able to straighten up or if I'll be crawling in on all 4's. lol. Struggle and suffering. That which we do to reap reward. It's all part of the equation.

all that to say you sound perfectly normal. :)

Thanks Katie. Yeah, sorta. I mean I think I realized that I am tired and a hike w/the kids confirmed I'm either getting sick or having a Lyme flare. And I'm pretty good at stopping the whining short by resting, reading a good book, and generally giving myself some time & space to recuperate. But, this one has been a doozy and I'm still emotionally shaky.

all that to say you sound perfectly normal. :)


:agreed:

I can't imagine taking on something of the proportion that you have and NOT feeling conflict and despair at some point, even under the best of conditions. It is part and parcel of the whole Homesteading experience. It isn't something you undertake because of the ease and convenience, but something that you do out of a sense of purpose deeper than what is visible. These sort of tests are in a way part of the natural selection of who will and won't make a long term go of their homestead. It is the universe's way of saying "How bad do you want this?" I read your blog post the other day about the suburban gardener vs. the homesteader. This crisis of faith seems to go along with that theme. The suburban gardener is under less scrutiny and risk of judgment by onlookers (or worse - judgments we make of ourselves) if the crops fail or if they decide to take a year off of growing. No one says to the suburban gardener "Why on earth did you go and invest in the materials to make those lovely raised beds with flower borders if you were just going to change your mind and order from a CSA?" or "I told you that it would be too hard to hold down your job, raise a family, and be a weekend gardener." kwim?

Take advantage of this time to look at all aspects of your homestead experience and use it as a place to regroup and reassess your goals. It would be foolish to stick with a plan just because it is what you thought of first. All long term/ongoing projects need regular evaluating and strategy adjustment. And whatever way YOU decide works for your goals and needs is the right way to do things. If that turns out to mean that you don't grow as much food next year as you originally had thought to, then so be it. #1 rule of homesteading is there are no rules. right?

((hugs)) An overabundance of poor weather can add to your load exponentially. I can see how it would sneak up on you.

As a fairly new gardener, losing half of my work to deer was a real...um..I don't even know what. I just sat down on a stump and cried. I mean, I have a healthy farmer's market, it's not like it was a deal breaker...it was just oh c'mon, wth?

It's the whole package, beginning to the end, the fruition, the success after the work, and then embracing or at least preparing for the hardship. This last part is what I'm working on. I don't seem to have much grace with it or about it. It's an inner struggle that's really really important to me.

Oh hell, I can't even articulate it. :p

it's sorting out a temporary derailment from knowing when to maybe just let a part of this or that go. Cutting something loose. Conversely, I really want to be completely self-sustained for some undeniable and sometimes inexplicable reason and all of this has to be practice right? or that's the package I'm selling to myself. ;)

finally, fwiw, if I've learned nothing else, slowing my life down has done nothing but made it busier and more work than ordering out. Which just totally cracks me up. lol.

ok. yeah. what katie across the pond said.

Thank you, both Katies :), for the pep talk. Gotta feed the boy (our homegrown chicken! yeah!) so that is all I have time to say. And I'm reading The Good Life and it's sort of both inspiring and intimidating. But it's reminding me of the deeply held principles that are at the heart of why I want to do this.

It's like I have two competing passions. I wanted to integrate them by writing about homesteading, but it hasn't worked out that that can happen for money, at this point.


Do I ever understand how this feels! I deal with it by carving more out of my sleep time, but I know with your illness that just isn't a possibility.

Is it possible that you personally are doing too much of the work yourself? I know you speak of Matt often and all the work he does. I know you don't do it alone, but are you delegating enough? Are the kids helping in whatever capacity they can?

Also, as a person who has all-consuming interests for a long enough time to not be flaky, but a short enough time to sometimes be tempted to quit before I should, I understand where you are coming from.

I've found if I am really and truly realistic about what I want, it can happen. For instance I really wanted to full time homestead. I just wanted to try it yk? However, it turns out that I really don't want to be tied down to too many animals. So, the dream in my head was really not realistic for me. Also, my dh was no on board. It was only an intriguing idea for him, and not something he could have dropped everything for.

Lastly, I am a thinker. I can think things through. to. death... On one hand that is great! I'm pretty successful in my ventures because of all the thought and prep. On the other hand, I can sometimes look so far into the future that my predictions are wild, and I can talk myself out of anything.

I guess I'm posting to commiserate. I get what you are feeling. I'm sorry you are feeling it. Learning to let go of passions is something I still struggle with, but often trying to compromise with myself and at least have part of what I hoped for satisfies my need until I can devote myself to it wholeheartedly.

{{{Hugs}}}

Congrats on the Writing!!!

I just finished a book that might help!

The Success Principles by Jack Canfield.
It is so fabulous, straightforward, inspiring and PRACTICAL.
Really. This book is good for anyone wanting to be more successful in their lives...be it a SAHM, WAHM or CEO. It is good stuff. Will help give you your direction.

You will find your way.

I have the same feelings as you on many levels and we haven't even really started anything.

I think we all have big dreams but realize that the "new world" we live in requires added jobs aside from homesteading for money. We can't just live like we (collective historical we) used to though I wish I could at times.

If you need to take a break for whatever reason do it. I'm sure the chickens won't mind :chick:

Thanks again mamas. Such helpful responses.

Stacy, you bring up a lot of good points. First, the help. Yes, K is helping somewhat but J is not. Honestly there is no way to get J to help without drastically simplifying and making the whole thing about having him participate. Part of my ambivalence is that I feel those types of efforts should be a bigger priority in my life in the summer, and I just don't have the time - so he wanders around picking wild plants, singing and talking to himself - which are not the best things for him to be doing. Anything else requires the 100% attention of up to 2 adults in order to get him to participate. Not always, but for anything really new, this is true. He had summer program but not often (3 weeks, 4 mornings a week).

Katie helps but only with certain things. She was gone a lot of the summer - 3 weeks between camp and visiting grands. She is taking over the chickens which is a big help, but she's still learning all the tasks to do, and buying the feed and lugging the 50 lb bags and carrying the 5-gal waterer - she can't quite do yet.

Dh is very helpful. He did the bulk of the chicken work. However, the garden is *completely* mine except he did tractor work for a couple days to get it started. But planting, maintaining and most harvesting is my job. Katie has been helping harvest but so far has not shown the stamina for weeding that I would like her to. :p To be fair though we just have not been able to weed this summer at all.

Honestly the biggest piece of it is this:

I've found if I am really and truly realistic about what I want, it can happen. For instance I really wanted to full time homestead. I just wanted to try it yk? However, it turns out that I really don't want to be tied down to too many animals. So, the dream in my head was really not realistic for me. Also, my dh was no on board. It was only an intriguing idea for him, and not something he could have dropped everything for.

A big piece of my problem has been that for dh, he really resents a lot of the tasks and doesn't feel like he wants to spend his time doing them. I enjoy my tasks, but him being really negative about it all the time has really affected me. He thought he wanted to do it, but he's now totally not sure. I've known I've wanted to do it for a long time and gotten really excited when dh got on board. But now, I'm just not sure about any of it.

Yes, if I could give up sleep, it would be wonderful. :) But I can't. I also can't quite get fully going at 7 am; it takes me a while to cognitively "wake up." I'm realizing how much this disease affects my productivity. Pisses me off.

Lauren...have you heard of Ruth Stout (http://www.motherearthnews.com/Organic-Gardening/2004-02-01/Ruth-Stouts-System.aspx)? I used a variation of her method this year to see if it worked...and it does. You can also lay out paper (I used newspaper and grocery sacks), cardboard, even old carpet remnants to suffocate the weeds. I've probably spent all of an hour weeding my little plot this year (very little: ~10ft by ~40 ft). I put out newspaper between DH's squash plants one year very late in the season, so I know that it could still be done this late in this season.

Just trying to find a way to ease up your time and frustration. HTH :hug:

Hey Lady, I just wanted to say how inspiring I find you. I left your garden pics up for three days once, just so I could keep looking at them and dreaming of having my own garden. I'm sorry this year you didn't get rewarded equal to the love and time and labor you put into it.

hugs,
Rhea

Lauren...have you heard of Ruth Stout (http://www.motherearthnews.com/Organic-Gardening/2004-02-01/Ruth-Stouts-System.aspx)? I used a variation of her method this year to see if it worked...and it does. You can also lay out paper (I used newspaper and grocery sacks), cardboard, even old carpet remnants to suffocate the weeds. I've probably spent all of an hour weeding my little plot this year (very little: ~10ft by ~40 ft). I put out newspaper between DH's squash plants one year very late in the season, so I know that it could still be done this late in this season.

Just trying to find a way to ease up your time and frustration. HTH :hug:

Thanks. :hug: Believe me the weeding is the least of it - I have mulched, although I raised my rows a bit to help warm the soil and also because of cool weather, I can't really have mulch right around the plants - they were not growing (tomatoes etc especially) because the soil was too cool. It definitely helps, but I have tons of this awful weed called galinsoga (gallant soldier also) that pushes right through the mulch and grows along the sides of it and is generally a huge PITA. It took over during one of the rainiest spells and before I knew how horribly invasive it was, and I had to spend a chunk of time removing it.

Right now as I said, weeding is the least of my problems. The garden is having some sort of mineral lockup, possibly due to rain, maybe just due to soil problems. I don't know. The corn is all funky and stunted, and things are growing but slowly. It's too wet to weed, anyway. I pull up huge hunks of mud with each plant. Too wet to weed, too wet to plant.

They are finally forecasting a bit of sun and just afternoon thunderstorms for the next few days, and this weekend it will be in the 80s and sunny!!!!!!! For the first time in over a month. I am hoping that helps the garden.

Honestly, after a bit of introspection, I realize that my biggest problem is that my dh is no longer on board. Hence my own crisis of faith. I'm angry at him (he actually has been saying he wants to rent this place and move into the city) and feel betrayed. It's tough. I'm trying to just ride this out and let him go through whatever he needs to go through emotionally. For myself, I know this is what I want to do and where I want to be, but without my partner and family on board, it feels sour again.

It would be foolish to stick with a plan just because it is what you thought of first. All long term/ongoing projects need regular evaluating and strategy adjustment. And whatever way YOU decide works for your goals and needs is the right way to do things.

my new favorite quote. Thanks for writing that Katie. It is hitting me good for entirely different reasons than homesteading, but I am glad I popped in and read it.

To the op, I can just add, yeah that. I think taking more time to focus on writing and preparing to travel for an entire summer are completely awesome endeavors. I hope you can find the balance you are looking for. :)

Honestly, after a bit of introspection, I realize that my biggest problem is that my dh is no longer on board. Hence my own crisis of faith. I'm angry at him (he actually has been saying he wants to rent this place and move into the city) and feel betrayed. It's tough. I'm trying to just ride this out and let him go through whatever he needs to go through emotionally. For myself, I know this is what I want to do and where I want to be, but without my partner and family on board, it feels sour again.


I completely understand this, and it's hard when it happens. It's very painful and confusing, and makes one question everything.
:hug:

Yay for a break in the weather!!!!

I can't imagine how frustrating this is for you...I know that words can only convey so much, and that feelings run very deep.

Hopefully the break in the weather will help your family's spirits, give them hope and encourage a stronger commitment. I remain optimistic.

Enjoy that sunshine!!!

Honestly, after a bit of introspection, I realize that my biggest problem is that my dh is no longer on board. Hence my own crisis of faith. I'm angry at him (he actually has been saying he wants to rent this place and move into the city) and feel betrayed. It's tough. I'm trying to just ride this out and let him go through whatever he needs to go through emotionally. For myself, I know this is what I want to do and where I want to be, but without my partner and family on board, it feels sour again.

:( I'm sorry. I can't speak from experience because frankly, my dh has never really been on board with anything that I've done...but he will sing praises and brag to other people about the things I do. I've overheard him do it...cloth diapering, homeschooling, that incident where I birthed that baby in the tub. Even the dumb chickens.

It's always so perplexing to me and I wonder why everything (seemingly) is such a source of contention if he's actually prideful. Brian and I are worlds apart in the very same home...I drive a used hybrid, he drives a yellow hummer. that kind of speaks huh? Anyway, maybe I'm not as grounded as I think and it actually keeps me focused. I don't know.

My sister and her dh moved to a resort property in the northern wild and her dh has fallen off-board with the project. completely. She's scared. Not just for all that has fallen upon her but because it went far enough that there may be an underlying depression now and there is nothing she can do to fix that.

You're very intuitive Lauren and a woman of amazing fiber...I know you'll consider carefully what you can and can not live without. I am so sorry tho, that you're at this crossroads. ((hugs))

Finally...I wanted to share this. My college friend's family has a lake place. They had it all their lives. It was hours and hours away and not just a short little jaunt to get there. They'd load up and go once a month, every other weekend, hit and miss use....but when that final child graduated, mama moved there for the week and came home on weekends when daddy was off work. That little place in the woods was her retirement.

Only sharing that because there can be a multitude of options that don't seem so obvious. Especially when you're holding your heart in your hand and feeling....sour.

I'm sorry - I haven't read all of the replies, but I want to try to help :heart smirk:

While I realize this year has pretty much passed and you're in it for the long haul now, would it be possible to scale back next planting season/growing season/fall/spring?

Perhaps focusing on one thing at a time - whether that be chickens or hens or veggies - would be a better way to go? Free up time for writing. Something Matt can handle pretty much solo? And, with the extra earnings from writing, you could join the CSA you've mentioned. Or, better yet - maybe you can work out a deal with someone. Could you have more hardy animals in lieu of those fickle roasters? Like, say, goats for milk or beef cows? (That you could send off for processing). Is there a community there with which you could barter goods? You do the eggs, they do the veggies, and you swap goods? Or you do the milk goats and they do the chickens?

I realize it's not true homesteading without being totally self-sufficient, but it IS overwhelming.

Our csa last year was straight veggies and a few herbs. Then, they decided to add three or four pigs. Then, someone brought out a bee hive and they did honey. This year they've added some additional things, afaik (we didn't join due to cost and commute). So, it's okay to scale back and focus on what you really A) enjoy B) feel confident in and C) can do realistically in your time/space.

:hug: It's not failing. It's organic!

Thanks, again. Truly, such helpful ideas and thoughts and meaningful words here.

Sandi, I have thought about exactly what you're talking about - we do eggs, and maybe a small garden, and buy veggies at the farmer's market on Friday afternoons, or buy a CSA. There's a young farmer not 10 minutes from my house (and considering it takes almost 10 minutes just to get down off the mountain, that is CLOSE) who sells raw milk and veggie CSAs. There is a huge, thriving community of localvores. There is no reason why we have to produce everything here on our property - except if the goal is self-sufficiency, and removing ourselves from the market system completely.

Within 50 miles, I can get, organic and beyond: beef, pork, beans, milk, every kind of veggie you can imagine. I can buy in bulk from my favorite local farm - I could go buy a peck of pickling cukes today if I want.

So, another option is to focus on the hens, since we have them LOL, and simply become excellent localvores and support our local economy. Now that I'm making a bit of money, that is more of a possibility than before (it's still so so so much "cheaper" in terms of $ outlayed, to raise your own).

Dh and I have had a chance to talk and I think a number of things including serious overwhelm as far as balancing work through the summer, have contributed to his current funk. However, he also has a very real desire to live in a more populated area. We will see how it all plays out. We're making no sudden moves at this point.

But, I don't see us getting goats or any other animals anytime soon, honestly. :)

Well, I'm glad to know that's an option. And while it is cheaper to have the foods there on your property - if it takes away time from your potential income earning to do so, and takes away from the drive to complete these sometimes overwhelming tasks - or if you end up having to outsource care for Jake, especially, it may end up "costing" more to DIY. (Unless that's just where your heart is - being totally self-sufficient, in which case - who cares what I'm saying :p Follow your heart!)

I am jealous of your tremendous resources!! :)

But, I hope that you guys continue to resolve things by mulling over where you should be, what you should be doing, etc. :hug: And, through that, we're all here.