Just realized after reading the thread in market forum that there was a Teen forum.
I NEED some advice ASAP! Maybe more just a sholder to cry on??

If anyone reads in here and could respond that would be fantastic!

Thanks
Mom of 2 tween boys who is ready to pull said hair out!!!
KRIS

I'm here, though my oldest is just 12 - i am always happy to lend an ear and a shoulder :hug:

So heres the scoop.

My youngest son who is 12 got into some trouble @ School this week.
Apparently this all went down Friday last week but we just got the call yesterday about 530! And he apparently forgot to tell us.

Let me preface this with he is usually not condisending to friends or other kids in general, and is usually caring compasionate kid!

OK so here is what I was told from the Dean of Dicipline @ the Jr. High.
Z was with a friend of his V and who was over heard making fun of said girls eyebrows(she is a friend of ours daughter, and recently had them done for the 1st time as well as a new hair style done) Z did not say any of the rude comments but was there when they all took place.
His friend V then proceeded to tell M(girl) that Z wanted her to suck his d*$@!!! :o V also said that Z wanted to give M a lap dance afterwards.
:O :O :O
My kids are not exposed to this type of conversation @ home thats for sure. Yes I will admit that we occasionally curse but we DO NOT TALK like that.
So I know my son did not say that nor does he fully understand what it means.

He got lunch AC for it as did the boy that said it all V. After talking to the mother of the girl (M) she said that M did say that it was all V doing speaking but that my son Z just stood there and didnt defend her etc!
The principal did say again today when DH called that our son was not the one saying any of the rude inappropiate things but he was there and guilt by association etc!

So my question i guess is what do we do at home?
He did not step up to sait friend V and say hey dont talk abou me like that or defend the girl involved.
do i ground him for life? not let him finish out baseball?
Am I over reacting with all this, just let it go with what he was punished with at school?

If you made it thru this THANKS!!!

If it was one of my kids I would sit him down and talk to him about why those things are not acceptable to say a human being and convey that you are disappointed in him for not speaking up. I don't think I would do any grounding since this was a first time thing - just try to really open up communication and hope he learns that maybe that kid isn't the best person to be friends with. I don't have any boys so I hope that you can use something I said. :)

I wish you luck mama :hug:

Mine ds is 14 and you'd be surprised at what they know about. I know it's disappointing when our kids act like this but it happens. I too would have a talk at why it is not ok to talk like that and how do you think that made her feel and all that. I would ground mine from the computer or friends for the week but thats just me. Taking away baseball or another team sport would only be used if mine did something horrible. I can't even think of an example lol My ds is a good boy and I'm pretty confidant he'll turn out to be a well adjusted adult but he sure does some stupid things right now.And I know it isn't going to get any better for the next couple yrs. I hate to say it gets easier but in a way it does, the first few times they get in trouble it's really hard accepting that our babies esp our first baby actually did something so bad/dumb. But it's all part of growing up and becoming more and more independent.

Thanks for the advice. We did sit down and talk last nite when we got the call from the Principal.
He explained his side which was exactly what the girl involved said happened. So on that note I know he is not lying as it jived with the school and the girl involved.
We explained that although he did not SAY any of those things, we were very dissapointed in the fact that he would not step up to V and say "hey dont talk about me like that" or "hey dont talk to M like that".
He understood where we were coming from but said he didnt know how to handle it.

OK next dillema M's Mom just called. She is very upset that the school never notified her. Well from what the Principal/Dean told me last nite, it is not there policy to notify ANY of the parents. But she felt compelled as a mother to call us and other boys V parents. Never made a call to M mom to let her know what happend to her daughter!
She is now talking about getting base police involved!
Should I be concerned? Should I call them 1st my self? My son is only listed as being involved not the one doing said picking/taunting!
Should I just let it lie and be frustrated that the school waited some 4 days to call us?

I think that is the part that frustrates me most, is it happend Friday morning before 8 am, we did not get notified until 530 Wednesday afternoon!
I understand he should have owned it himself and told us. But should the school not have to inform us as well? Especially since they saw fit to punish him @ school!

ALSO as part of the inital blow up last night, we did make him call M and appologize to her and then talk to her Mom and appologize to her.
I know them pretty well and they are not upset with us SHOCKED yes.

AGAIN thank you so much for listening!
And For the record can I say PUBERTY sucks!!!!!!!:eyes:

I would be frustrated as well if the school waited so long to contact me. It sounds like you did really well with talking to him :thumbsup:. I'm not sure why the Mama would want to get the base police involved.

Ok so now DH just called and M-Mom called him @ work to tell him she called Family Advocacy and got them involved!:eyes:
NOW WHAT????
I guess I should have prefaced all this with we live on an Air Force Base.
Family Advocacy is our equilivant of CSD I think.
I guess she did not mention Z name in all this but did mention the other boy V! DH is still trying to get in touch with the Principal/Dean to get a copy of or look @ the incident report to see exactly what she first said my sons rool was in all this!

URGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:vent: This is outta control!!!!
On top of that DH and I are having an entire diff. set of problems stacked on top of this!

Argh...how frustrating. :( In regards to your ds, I would do as you did, and have a serious talk with him about why it was inappropriate, and how better to deal with the situation in the future. Will say, though, he is 12 and in public school. Trust me, he knows a hell of a lot more than you think he knows. Even I, at 12, a homeschooler, had a darn good idea of a LOT of things, thanks to my public and Catholic school friends. And I was a girl, with less pressure to be "the man" and all that.

Re your friend, geez...I realize she is upset, but she has WAY overreacted, imo. Her dd is 12 or so, too, and that is the scene at that age, even all the way back when *I* was a kid. They are trying to figure their way out of childhood into adulthood, and messing up spectacularly along the way, lol. A conference with all the parents would have been a way to go. Calling in the police or Family Advocacy is wayyyy overkill. What a headache it's going to be all around for everyone concerned. :hug:

Well I think we got to teh bottom of most of it. I HOPE!!
And I delt out punishment when he got home from school. Needless to say he understands but is less than thrilled with it! LOL

My one major concern is that he just does not seem to get the severity of
W O R D S!!! So that is my goal is to get him to GET that!

As for the rest of it all, the Principal/Dean found out that the other Mom called Fam. Adv. and freaked out. She said she was hoping it could be taken care of between parents.

After hearing all 3 incident reports my son in fact was just in the wrong place @ the wrong time and did not say any of those things. Irreguardless of that he still should have defended himself and M.
Still working on that.

And I still hold to the fact that BOYS are just as difficult as girls at this age!
again PUBERTY and TEEN AGENESS STINKS right now!

Thanks to all of you!

Well just to update if anyone is still reading.
We learned a few more things about the entire situation over the weekend.
With out getting into ALL those sorted details.
It seems that M who seemed to be and played the victim in all this is not being completly honset about all of this.
And to top it off her Mom whom we were friends with seems to be fueling all of that! :O!!!!!!!
So with thatsaid we have and keep telling our son that although he did not say that he needs to be accountable for himself. Be it defending himself in a simular situaton or not being in that situation period!

ANYWAY I think we are going to put it behind us and chalk it up to TEENAGERS!!!

Ugh...hate when situations get all sticky and complicated like that. How did it end up going with Family Advocacy, etc?

I'm chiming in a little late but just wanted to add my 2 cents. This kind of stuff is said at middle schools all the time. You would be amazed at what I hear from my twins, who are almost 14. I don't hear them talking like this, but they do come home and ask about what things they are hearing. Just wait until you are sitting at the kitchen island with a group of 6 teenagers (boys and girls) and one of them asks something like, "what does giving head mean?" or " what does 69 mean?" Both of these questions were asked about a year ago by kids who were 12 and 13. My daughter came home last week and told me that someone called someone else a necrophiliac so she asked the science teacher what it meant. Thankfully her science teacher is fab and just explained it to her without being too graphic but also without flinching.

I chalk all of this kind of stuff to wanting to not be a kid anymore. They want to seem cool and grown up so they talk to "impress" others sometimes. All you can do is explain to them that it isn't ok because someone can and usually does get hurt. They also have to be taught that they need to stand up for themselves or others when they hear it. They will grow through it so just be patient. I think my oldest son was 15 or 16 when the kids realized that they didn't have to try so hard to be "cool" anymore and this stuff just started to settle down.

First can I just say THANK YOU to all of you for chiming in on this situation.
As far as I can tell it dead! No calls from family advocacy. Now I am guessing that they would have called by now since that was done a week ago today.

He still just does not seem to understand the power of HIS WORDS or WORDS in general! He and a good friend of his were talking on Monday about his friends bday party from the weekend. Z says to his friend you should have let my Mom help plan your party like she was going to, instead of doing a bowling party AGAIN for 2 years in a row. :( His friends Mom jokingly was giving me a hard time about it. But I got upset and told DS that he needed to think about what he was saying to other people!
He and his friends Mom both said it was just friendly joking around.
BUT still after last week and the events that went down I would have hoped that he got it more ya know?

Anyway Thank you again all of you it makes me feel better that other kids have been there done that.

O yes and mine are forever coming home with "so and so said such and such what does that mean", so I do get that kids hear crap like this all the time!

My kids have always been compassionate kids too, but as they are entering their pre-teen years, they are struggling with standing up to peer pressure too. When they get in a group, or with other friends, who have stronger personalities than they do, they don't stand up for what's right. It's been driving me bonkers, since my dd and her friend hurt another girl's feelings, and while my dd didn't do it personally (her friend did), dd stood by and didn't do anything. I imagine it is hard to stand up to someone who has a stronger personality than your own.