Having serious homicidal ideation at the moment. Apparently the "adult" I live with has been lying. Not lying about things I can handle like smoking or having sex either.

I got a call from the admin of the cosmetology school. Apparently she's been ditching, showing up for 3 of the 5.5 hours a day she's supposed to be there and has an F average at the moment.

I have paid out almost $5000 to this school in tuition with only $800 left to go and she has 7 months til she graduates. And she's sabotaging herself.

She's also spitting in my face (figuratively) and needs a serious wake up call. So I gave her one.
I told her she has two weeks to get her act together or I'll simply stop paying her tuition and she can drop out , drop out of high
school too if she wants and keep working at the pizza place for $7 an hour if that's really the life she wants. I mean seriously - if thats what she wants to do I can't stop her. I can't make her make a life for herself. I can talk til I'm blue in the face but I can't make her turn in work, show up for her classes. I'm tired of talking about this. We have done this for two years of high school and now this is supposed to be what SHE WANTS and she can't even pass this?

I will not be lied to and treated like garbage when we're supposed to have this open, honest, loving relationship where we treat each other well, talk things through, respect each other - everything I thought we had is pretty much in the toilet. She is making really poor choices in terms of her friendships and relationships - and I've stayed out of that other then to offer my perspective and thoughts when asked. I've told her she is allowed to make her own mistakes and we'll be here for her if and when she needs us, but she has to follow the rules - pass your classes, help out around here and be honest about where you are at.
She's not done much of any of those three things.

And she's lying to me. And she's throwing away our money and her life. :(

I told her tonight she needs to decide what she is choosing because in order to live here we don't ask much - pass her classes, help with household chores and be honest -- so she needs to decide if she is ready to move out or if she is going to do as asked.

No one start singing Beauty School drop out or I will absolutely lose it. This is her freaking life we're talking about and I'm so pissed off. And the worst part is that TOm's been telling me she's playing me and she's out of control and I keep sticking up for her saying its not like that and she's going to be ok and she'd never lie or ditch and how we talk every day - blah blah blah. I have been so wrong. I've been so played.

I am so sad.

Oh Barb.... I am so sorry, that sounds so hard... I have zero advice, but I just want to give you hug.

Dang it!

I feel for you.

Hugs!!!!

:eyes: Teens - I have 5 years before I have one but I'm already nervous!! I'm so sorry she has been lying to you and making poor choices. I hope she realizes the consequences of her actions soon and makes wiser choices!
:big hug:

Barb, I know how you feel. My DD was nearly a corpse the other day on Saturday after lying to me and coaxing my 6 yr old to join in on the lie too.

:hug:

My 2 cents

If she fails Beauty School, how many weeks of working $7 an hour is she going to have to work to pay you back the entire **** tuition cuz that is what she should be looking at.

I think (and I am sure that others disagree with me) that there is a point that you say "Ok, you don't GET choices anymore, now you let me run your life before you screw it up and live in my house until you are 30!

If you need help burying the body let me know :rolleyes: and the only reason I can joke about this is because I have a 13 yr old who played me last semester and I told DH she was ok, she was doing well, she needed a chance...etc.. until I got the interim report card and saw the comments sections... and how my kid would do better if she turned in her assignments, if she paid attention... if she stopped talking... if she did her homework...

:hug: Barb... breathe.. sleep on it... and it will look better in the am.

What does DD want to do?

:big hug: Barb...



Chelsey, dude, listen up. It *is* up to you what to do with your life. It *is* up to you what to study, whether to study and so on. I know you must miss your boyfriend and that is adding to the whole situation (I've been there. From the age 17 to age 19. Two years. Though with a child , but hey, no two stories are the same)

I know life is hard when you are a teen.

Guess what.

Life is hard when you are an adult.

Life is hard when you are "old" like me too.

Life is hard, period. No matter what you do or don't do, it is going to be hard. One way or another.

The way I see it - one can choose to live it (the hard life that is) in dignity, being honest and true to your word OR choose to spend a lot of energy thinking they can make this life somehow easier (not possible, trust the "old lady" here) and lie and try to escape and what not.

Then they add disrespect from the others and from their own self to the equation. They add constant stress of being afraid (to be discovered, to fail, to be ridiculed, etc.,) to already hard task of hiding and lying... um, not worth it IMNSHO. Not worth it.

I, for one (and I bet I am not alone in that) always held you in high esteem. I *still* hold you in high esteem. But I also hold your Mom in high esteem. You and her can work together on this. I know you can.

I don't know what she wants to do. I told her to get her ass to school and we'd talk tonight when she got home.

There are only two choices. She can live in this house and follow my rules which will now include the following:
~ I will be talking to her manager at work to hear her actual work hours vs her telling me she'll call when she is off wrk
~ I will be talking to her beauty school teacher and getting read her time card for the week every friday to make sure she's there and getting her gpa.
~ I will continue checking of online grades for highs chool which happens weekly.
~No sleepovers unless its here at this house with notice, no going out after school or work or even on weekends til the grades are up and the lying stops. Grounded is grounded even at 18 when I own this house
and curfew is rescinded until further notice - no curfew if you can't go out at all.
~ Increased chores when she's here and not studying.

Or

She can move out and drop out and do whatever the hell she wants and pay me back the tuition money in full.

Those are the only choices.

Can you tell I've been thinking about this a while. I have to go lay down, my back is killing me from sitting and the chiropractor told me to ice it so I'm going to take ibuprofen and lay down.

Between Tom laid off (and at urgent care today for whats either a staph infection or spider bite on his toe) , Chelseys bullcrap, and deciding if I shoudl take the new job or what - this is TOO MUCH STRESS.

I need my tax money man.

I need a drink.

and thanks Irina - will show her your post - will c/p tho

and thanks Irina - will show her your post - will c/p tho

Yep, no reason to show the whole discussion.

Love your siggy / ex-avatar :smooch:

Oh Barb, I'm sorry. Trite as it may sound, tomorrow is another day, and you have been reasonable with the choices you will offer her. :hug:

well BTDT. My teen could not follow the simple rules: go to school, tell me where you are, don't be mouthy. She then moved in with her Dad and lasted two weeks. She moved into an apt with her boyfriend and his friend. I could say so much more, but I won't. The bottom line is, it's HER life and she has to really realize that and not think that no matter what she does, someone will bail her out. My teen (17.5 and in her final semester of highschool) has not yet learned this. My heart has broken a million times. But sometimes we have to let them fall.

We are smack deep in that pile of sh1t in our house too, so as sorry as I am that you are dealing with it as well, I am comforted to know that its not just us. And looking at Chelsey I have always seen so much of my Dylan, and we even have very similar stories (kind of eerie as a matter of fact... ) so I have admired Chelsey and her level headed choices. Which is really what I would expect from Dylan as well so I know how awful terrible of a blow it is to wake up one day and find out things ain't quite what you thought they were. (and I might venture to say there were some clues that you could piece back in hindsight. There most certainly was in our case. That stung the ol' pride. ouch. )

If you can get into teen titans at MD you can read a really lovely story from a few months ago. :vent:

We made it through our biggest crisis (...biggest so far... :help: ) and are now back to little bombs being dropped. I knew when things settled after the initial round that we had not seen the last of it, but I think we did pretty well with dealing with the immediate need. Now is the time for making overall changes in how we handle things (we meaning me and Axel). Its a process, not a instant solution. And I won't lie - its not easy.

Right now you have a fire and you got to put it out. She needs to get the school thing sorted now. The first rule of thumb is that there are some things that effect her life such as dropping out and all that brings on. And there are some things that effect your life, such as your paying for a wasted education with money that is very tight. If you can, step out of the spiral of consequences for her. I am certain that she has heard an earful of it from you by now, and its probably gone straight out the other side and interpreted in some twisted teen language in between. (seriously, you can almost see them rewriting it as you speak. Its that look they get. You know the one. :shake: ) We also had our 'cool trusted adult friend' give her the straight-up heart to heart, which I think is valuable. So we know she has been given a glimpse of reality. She is going to do what she is going to do. So what you need to do is look at what affects you and where your boundaries need to be so that your needs are met. If you are not willing to pay further for her school unless she pulls herself back to where she needs to be in order to pass, then set the condition and leave it to her to decide. Of course, you have to be 100% ready to follow through with anything you set forth. Now is not the time to be wishy washy. She will test you. Be sure of it.

Tell her "We trust you can make the choices that you feel are best for you. And I trust that you will be able to handle whatever the results of your choices are. (take deep breaths, lol) We will also be making the choices that are best for us. We will continue to pay for you school as we originally agreed to, on the condition that you attend school and do your work as you originally agreed to." and since it sounds like you are at a point where things need to get sorted out asap set down firm timelines and parameters. (ie. We need to have your decision by X date. If you choose to stay in school we need verification that you are following through, etc.)

Don't go into explanations or justifications of your actions. They will go through that teen translator.

This is all likely to give rise to a who pandoras box of other issues that will need to be addressed, which is where we are now. And really, its a good thing. Setting the stage now for a clear path to handling conflict and letting go with our older children is so incredibly important.

And I will recommend this book that I got after we made it through our initial drama. Amazon.com: How to Deal With Your Acting up Teenager: Practical Help for Desperate Parents: Books: Robert T. Bayard,Jean Bayard (http://www.amazon.com/How-Deal-Your-Acting-Teenager/dp/0871314797/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1201767537&sr=8-1) I am slowly making my way through it and it is really helping me. Its one of those books to read through, think about, and then read again as you implement what you have learned from it. Its not a formula, but more of a perspective and foundation for making positive changes that will benefit all of you. I haven't gotten to the end of the book yet (its a heavy subject so I need to read it when I can give it my attention which can be hard to do in the midst of all that life hands you in a day) but unless it pulls out some odd turn of philosophy I think it is worth reading. Even if it did, I have gained some really good insights to mull over from what I have read.

good luck with all this Barb. Its not easy. oh my god it is so NOT easy. :wah: But it is so worth it. :hug:

well - It actually went better then expected. She took it like an adult. She started out by telling me that she went to school and turned in some work that she'd had and her gpa is back up to a B and that she'd only missed a few hours here and there. I stopped her and basically said thats great but we're not discussing how she is going to fix this, we're discussing her choices at this time.

She is not ready to move out. She does want to finish school. Once she stated that we moved on. If you are going to live here this is what needs to happen....
I laid it out like I do for work -
These are your long term goals. You want to have an apartment, work as a hairdresser and have a boyfriend/husband/social life. In order to get those things you have to do certain things and at this time you're not able to do them without guidance and assistance.
You have to go to school. I will check pogB online every other day now instead of once a week to look at assignments turned in, attendance and grades and help with projects, studying and quizzes. You have to go to beauty school. I will talk to the director weekly to be read your time card. You will do 20 hours per week and turn in all assignments. This Saturday you can make up the hours you missed this week.
I will have your work schedule every weekend. You will be home after school if not at work. Didn't use the word groudned - but focused lol - two weeks here and we'll re-assess the status of your social life kind of thing.



Tom even chimed in about how we want her to be ready to move out to take care of herself and right now she loses focus , attends to her friends and drama and going out, blows off her responsibilities, lies about it - which is 18 year old behavior ok - but our job as parents is to help her to be able to balance her social life and responsibilities and until she is able to do that on her own, we'll manage it for her.

No tears or fits. She nodded, says she understands. Says she's sorry for stressing us out - putting us through this. Says she doesn't feel she was lying to us, because she is going to school - but I re-framed that saying you're doing well in school and me getting a call that they're going to drop you - leads me to believe someone is lying lol.

Anyway, today is a new day and we'll see what the next few weeks and months bring. I told her she has to do three things. Pass her classes. be honest. Do some chores. I swear - its only a few months. She will graduate highschool in MAY -4 months. Just freaking deal with it for 4 months. Then she has the summer in cosmetology and can graduate and take her boards.
Thats another 3 months.
In 7 months she can have a life ya know?

Anyway, the conversation went well and we'll see what happens. Will get the book too mama -

this teenage thing sucks. I kept telling her every other sentence too - this is because we love you and want you to have a good life.

Man...that just sucks. I feel for ya.... hang in there.