Ours didn't work out so well... I tried to simplify, but that takes SO much planning to simplify for other people. My kids, my family, everyone here? Yes, I bought all that stuff with cash, was able to plan WAY ahead, and make good choices that were small, simple, and meaningful. But with the extended family that lives far away... The simple choices I have made over the last few years have NOT gone over so well. How did you guys do that? I need some serious help. One thing is to start planning now... or perhaps sending through out the year instead of for Christmas. Maybe I just need to duck out of christmas and just send things when I think of it, or we have the time, etc. I have no clue, but I know that we were really dedicated to credit free, and now we have $400 more on our cc's becuase of that tussle with the MIL. And more tomorrow because god forbid I send the gifts any later than that! (I can put it back on friday, the postage is not bugging me... the idea that I have to buy more for her family than I did for my own children is though!)

Help... I need ideas. I need a plan for next year so she isn't pissed and we don't give up our goals for her 'needs'.

Thanks!

Val

I had the same problem this year. We did fine for us - I made a conscious choice to put my gift, my laptop, on the biz c-card, but it's low interest and due to be paid when I get my check, which was always my plan w/that check. Other than that, no cards for our family's gifts at all.

Even though we swore we were cutting up our cards after our loan, several remained open despite my best attempts to close the lines. !!! So I had one, and it was connected to my amazon account, and dang it, at the last minute I decided a) sewing morsbags in the middle of the living room for 2 days was not going to happen, b) sewing them in the 30-deg basement was not going to happen and c) my family would be like "what the??" anyway. We did felted soaps but I felt it was "not enough."

So, last minute, I spent $20 per person in the extended family, to the tune of $200 or so, ordering gifts online. It's "what they expect." I felt weird to do anything else.

I need help. I refuse to do this next year. It doesn't help the money-spending part, but I was considering making donations to charity in people's names and sending them a card. Like Seva International or something - hey - I donated $50 in your name and now someone in the third world has their eyesight back. That type of thing. Because I am SO SICK of the consumption. And they don't really "get" the handmade stuff, and I'm sick of year after year slaving away at it only to have it be received as chintzy or "too little" or "oh they're poor so they have to hand craft gifts." I mean, not that anyone SAYS that, but I can't get over it.

I have had many years where I spent more on extended family or teachers than my own children and dh. It seems...odd. But I prioritize those people *ahead of* us. Or, no, that's not it. It's that we are okay with simple for us, but not for others.

I almost want to ask for them NOT to send the kids gifts next year, and in exchange we will NOT send them anything. But it will not be interpreted in any way other than OMG She Is A Beyotch. Because we live far, this is the main interaction my extended family has with my kids. As sad as that is...

Whew, that was a coffee-fueled day-after-Xmess ramble. :eek:

Admittedly, this was TERRIBLY hard to do - and isn't going to work for everyone.

But, after 11 years of our married life feeling an obligation to buy for X, Y, and Z we just had a frank conversation with everyone about it. Even picking names in my extended family had gotten out of hand (with five names that was another $125). And, the kids were just asking for ONE item and then we'd buy that one item. It wasn't fun anymore - it was a chore, an errand. Then, the reverse - people would buy our kids things we didn't agree with, didn't want them to have, already had, or didn't need. Then we'd have to explain to the kids why they couldn't keep it, violate our own standards, or have to go try to return something after Christmas without a receipt. :vent:

So, back in early November I got some of the people together in my family while we were all at my Aunt's and just told them I needed to talk about Christmas - and that it was getting out of hand, no one had a lot of extra money, and that there was NOTHING that the kids in the family *needed* - no one was hurting for more STUFF, kwim?

It went from there - they all agreed and this year was the first no gift policy. We can still get together and spend time with one another (well, WE couldn't, being sick) but why the sense of obligation to have a gift?

We also started playing Rob Your Neighbor (a shower game in my family) at Christmas. It's a $5 limit. It's always so fun to see what people come up with an the family activity is a blast. :) We might do the same with the kids next year, if a group of them wants to play.

I had the same problem this year. We did fine for us - I made a conscious choice to put my gift, my laptop, on the biz c-card, but it's low interest and due to be paid when I get my check, which was always my plan w/that check. Other than that, no cards for our family's gifts at all.

Even though we swore we were cutting up our cards after our loan, several remained open despite my best attempts to close the lines. !!! So I had one, and it was connected to my amazon account, and dang it, at the last minute I decided a) sewing morsbags in the middle of the living room for 2 days was not going to happen, b) sewing them in the 30-deg basement was not going to happen and c) my family would be like "what the??" anyway. We did felted soaps but I felt it was "not enough."

So, last minute, I spent $20 per person in the extended family, to the tune of $200 or so, ordering gifts online. It's "what they expect." I felt weird to do anything else.

I need help. I refuse to do this next year. It doesn't help the money-spending part, but I was considering making donations to charity in people's names and sending them a card. Like Seva International or something - hey - I donated $50 in your name and now someone in the third world has their eyesight back. That type of thing. Because I am SO SICK of the consumption. And they don't really "get" the handmade stuff, and I'm sick of year after year slaving away at it only to have it be received as chintzy or "too little" or "oh they're poor so they have to hand craft gifts." I mean, not that anyone SAYS that, but I can't get over it.

I have had many years where I spent more on extended family or teachers than my own children and dh. It seems...odd. But I prioritize those people *ahead of* us. Or, no, that's not it. It's that we are okay with simple for us, but not for others.

I almost want to ask for them NOT to send the kids gifts next year, and in exchange we will NOT send them anything. But it will not be interpreted in any way other than OMG She Is A Beyotch. Because we live far, this is the main interaction my extended family has with my kids. As sad as that is...

Whew, that was a coffee-fueled day-after-Xmess ramble. :eek:


i totally get where you're coming from. we don't do extended family gifts at all, and have never been expected to do them since we have the most kids in the family, everyone just assumes we're too poor (which we are, lol) to do them. for the most part, my folks give us cash & that's about it, and i usually send them a pic of the kids.

as for handcrafting, i agree, i get the same "they're so poor they have to make their own gifts" kinda feeling when i give handmade stuff. most people out there don't even appreciate what all goes into mamamade items anyway, as sad as that is.

as for the donations in someone's name, i think that's a beautiful gift to give someone :)

You've gotten a lot of great advice. I am curious who all the extended family is. I think I must just have a really small family.

I do buy my nieces and nephews a present (I have 5). I bought those in October so that really helped.

Maybe just make a list of people that you really want to buy a gift for and go from there.

Sending a card is still an idea as is a nice letter.

I can't speak for Val, but for me, my extended family is my mom and dad, 30 yo brother and 21 yo brother, aunt and uncle (my mom's brother), mother in law and father in law. Funny thing is several of my cousins have kids and although my mom and her cousin have always sent each other's kids gifts, my cousins and I don't exchange gifts. We do send photo Christmas cards. I really prefer it that way, although my mom's cousin still sends my kids stuff - books or magazine subscriptions or money - every birthday and Christmas. Her mom, my great-aunt who is 90, also sends my kids money every birthday and Christmas. In fact I owe them thank you cards! My mom's cousin also took the time to send us a lovely basket of hot cocoa and trail mix and a hand crank flashlight. She is so sweet and giving that I feel weird not sending her something. My great-aunt too. So I was going to make them some felted soaps this week. They are the kind of folks who would appreciate that my kid literally designed and made them herself, yk? Not that my mom and dad wouldn't...they are good about the hand crafted stuff. But, I don't know. It is still looked on as "couldn't afford to buy something." It's a head trip of my own making, I do know that. But I am burnt out on the crafting big-time.

Oh, I am rambling. Anyway I think I have decided. I looked at Seva Foundation: Compassion in Action (http://www.seva.org) and next year I am going to donate in everyone's name and give them a card. $50 for my mom and dad, $50 for MIL/FIL, $25 each for my brothers, $25 ea for aunt and uncle, cousin who is so sweet, and great aunt. That is $225. I can budget for that through the year. I will still be spending, so it won't be thrifty, but I'll be spending on something I believe in. I just don't think I can stomach anything else from now on. It will still throw them for a loop, but I don't care.

And Val, sorry, I didn't mean to take over your thread! :blush: I'm a little chatty today and dh is fantasizing about tractors again. :rolleyes: I think the whole "let's raise meat birds and cattle and sheep" thing may be a very elaborate ploy for a tractor. ;) Anyway...what about sending your MIL $50 or $100 donation in her name to seva? You can choose what you donate for...so you can donate for "kindness to children" or a specific gift of sight for one person in a rural village who needs eye surgery. They get a personalized card with your message. I mean, what would/could she say about that?

I'm feeling really lucky. We don't have a credit card so there is no temptation. I give handmade. End of story. If you do it often enough it becomes expected. They either come to enjoy it or think of you as eccentric:lol: It is my major priority however and I'm willing to spend the time and focus on it. And I'm willing to ignore the looks. I got over the anger and hurt from things not being received like I wanted them to a long time ago and in doing so found that people really do like the things I give them and feel cheated when I "just buy something." Of course part of that comes from me feeling like I failed or copped out if I give a purchased gift.

I don't give generic gifts though. I spend a HUGE amount of time finding something that works for them. There is normally something somewhere that can be made that fits in with their interests. I do have the advantage that I craft and sew constantly though. Most people can use certain things though:quilts, afghans, a welcome mat-- something. I also go browsing sites and catalogs for handmade things that are high end and copyable. If its like something they saw at X cool store it tends to go over well for even the most picky.

You've gotten a lot of great advice. I am curious who all the extended family is. I think I must just have a really small family.

I do buy my nieces and nephews a present (I have 5). I bought those in October so that really helped.

Maybe just make a list of people that you really want to buy a gift for and go from there.

Sending a card is still an idea as is a nice letter.

My extended family consists of Don's family (mom, uncle, and gma who live together), his CA family (dad, step mom, sister and brother), my mom, my sister, her 5 kids, and her dh, my brother, his so, and her two kids, and his son, my other brother, my dad, his so, and her two daughters.

My family tree isn't a tree... it's a bush. lol...

BUT most of them are ok with the small simple gifts, in fact a previously viewed movie, and a plate full of cookies will work for most of them... except the kids. But that is normal.

I just learned this year that isn't ok for the extendeds on Don's side. In a mean and selfish way. So that hurt. It made me feel like what I did was never enough, and obviously to her standards, it wasn't. So that sucks... But I am not sure how I am going to change that... I may not. See they send really nice gifts. This year Cyan and Alex got RAZOR scooters, and Logan got a Radio Flyer baby scooter, and then she got them a bunch of books and a stuffed animal to go with each book and she got us a whole set of towels (really nice ones too). I can't compete with that! I esp can't compete with the bs baggage that comes with that... so I would almost rather her not send them at all... but the kids LOVE them. And they aren't cheap plastic junk. Hell... I really don't know how to make that better... I will be working on it through out the next year.

I'll be back...

Hey Val, if it's his Dad's wife, why can't DH talk to his Dad about this? He could tell them how appreciative you guys are of what they send, but that you can't compete with that. Tell them that you are taking a break from gift-giving next year. Really, you shouldn't have to deal with this, your DH should. You know what else? Parents do give their kids more than the kids give them, especially if they are struggling. That's what parents do. If he/she doesn't see it that way, that's their problem. If they don't have the manners to appreciate what you do send, then they don't deserve anything. No way would I go into debt for picky relatives at Christmas. That is sacrificing your own financial future, and what parent wants that for their child?

And I kind of got into the middle of one of these situations way back when. And it was all about Thank You cards. I wasn't taught to write Thank Yous, except for Births, Weddings, Showers, and Graduation gifts. DH's family (nor DH) did not let me know that they expected thank yous for every thing they did or sent, until after everyone was mad at me about it. I was completely clueless. Instead of letting me know, they just stopped sending gifts or talking to us at all. It's still not straightened out, because I refuse to play into their little games. They don't talk to me over this, I apologized several times, and they still haven't gotten over it. Whatever. I am too busy to deal with the type of pettiness wealthy old ladies perpetrate because they have too much time on their hands. This isn't the beginning or ending of the craziness from them, though.

I really hope this gets settled for you soon. I really hate to see someone stressing this much about gifts. And I take so much interest in this situation because I am trying to cut back on Christmas giving, too. It is hard.

DH's family (nor DH) did not let me know that they expected thank yous for every thing they did or sent, until after everyone was mad at me about it. I was completely clueless. Instead of letting me know, they just stopped sending gifts or talking to us at all. It's still not straightened out, because I refuse to play into their little games. They don't talk to me over this, I apologized several times, and they still haven't gotten over it.

Yep... pretty much exactly. I hope it is resolved, because his dad won't put up with that type of petty crap so I doubt he even really knows about it. And I wrote her, several times, and she was mean and nasty, but I had no clue that I was hurting her feelings with the small gifts and the no thank you card thing. No clue. My family doesn't do that... like at all. My favorite gift from my family is a used Kitchen Aid mixer I got one year... She would NEVER understand that... she gave her children appliences this year for Christmas... APPLIENCES! There is no way. Anyhoo... my dh will not get into it with her... and a lot of her hype is about it getting there on time. So next year, the sending gifts on time thing is his deal. 100%. I told him so when this started.

Hopefully it will help, if it doesn't, it will only be next year that I will play this game. Becuase let me tell you, I will not continue this farce forever. It is completely crazy.

Val

aw, val, i'm sorry you're feeling stressed about next year's christmas already. i hate that MIL was so hurtful. oh...and i say just give yourself some grace and mercy about the unplanned money spent. it'll probably be totally ok. you didn't spend it without a care/clue in the world like many. you are a totally amazing, thrifty, resourceful, talented mama. you're a great daughter in law for even hearing anything MIL said and wanting to do anything to help her feel better about things.

Val, I am sorry you are dealing with this. I have dealt with the unreasonable wife scenario for two years know with my father and it sucks.

Thanks guys. :heart:

Don will be steping up... it is no longer a choice.

I may be the odd one out here, but I don't understand extended family expecting gifts. To me, it seems selfish to have this expectation on any family trying to raise their own children in this economy.

At the same time, my parents are the type of people who expect a gift. (and a card mailed to them for every regular and obscure holiday you can think of) They take great offense if it is not done since this is how they think love is expressed between people. I suppose you could say that is the Love Language that they speak. (and the only one they speak or understand) Over the years, we've given handmade items. The gift that they LOVED was the year we baked them all kinds of christmas goodies. We were making them anyway, so we just set aside a dozen of each item for them. It is only within the past two years that we've purchased them a store bought gift. Last year, we charged it to the credit card which went totally against our financial goals. This year, my husband and I decided to spend under $40 on each other and we took the money above that amount to pay for the gift for my parents, so we avoided using the credit card at all this year. (we did have to cut back a lot on gifts this year for our own children to meet this goal of no CC use, but it was worth it)

So, on the one hand.....I understand the expectation that family may put on you to buy them gifts. But not extended family like nieces/nephews, adult siblings etc...etc...

We have made it clear to our children that we do not want them spending money on us. (now that we have two of them working and earning money) They came up with creative "service" or handmade items instead....just like they always have.

I'd not care what anyone thinks. Make handmade gifts if you can't get out of the expectation that you buy for every person. Or give one donation to a charity and do it in all their names. I think it is unfair to put a burden of going into debt on anyone for a gift....for any reason or occasion.

I hope my feelings don't step on anyones toes. I should note that my own growing up is influencing my comment/view on this topic....that and my adult viewpoints and experiences with trying to break cc debt. (we will be cc debt free in a couple months!) It seems that the older I get, the more frugal I become.

Michelle

Michelle, you are a breath of fresh air! For me, anyway. :) Thanks for sharing your perspective.

For me, I know it's something I have to "get over." I feel it is "proving" to them that we have enough money. But, this is ridiculous, especially when we *don't* have the money.

This year for me was poor planning. I'd planned homemade, but I really don't have anywhere to craft (my sewing machine is in the basement which is 30 deg right now). Between trying to work FT and the Lyme, I have not had the energy to do it either.

Honestly, I would cut out the adults. That's a huge part of the budget, right? I guess you could always do it Polly-Anna style, which means that you'd only have to buy 2 adult gifts, but really, just cut the adults. I'd send a nice email around the middle of November and say that you've decided to focus on Christmas gifts for the children and that you won't be participating in an adult gift swap. As for children that you have to mail things to, either send gift cards to them or shop online and have the gift sent directly to them, saving you postage.

I have been thinking about a trash free christmas... I may just say I am doing that...

Val