And didn't spend anything on credit. lol... and now we have. And I have no self control. At least most of my shopping was done. But a couple of people are coming to our family gathering this year I wasn't expecting (but love and have known my whole life) and so I have to get something for. So there goes that... and after the huge drama with my MIL (who btw has writen me back with venom... lol... and I just laughed. Although it is amazing to see how passionate about this she is. If I care at all (and I do) I will be careful around christmas for the Christmas Nazi.) I feel the obligitory gifts may be a sweet and kind gesture that I need to do this year. So credit it is. I am cutting them up in Jan anyway... may as well get some use out of them. :p (I know, I know. Dumb excuse... but whatever.)

Val

geez. What did she say, and what does Don have to say about the whole thing?

Merry Christmas, Val. :)

Oh the drama of that... She said that I haven't always been kind (like that was the point of my sending that quote... as if she has always lived up to her fullest ablities) and that she was really hurt over this thing and that thing I did in the past... and then says that she lets things go with out comment and isn't like me to put the past into my grievences (lol!), and everything I mentioned was from this last year... she brings up stuff from like 4 years ago.

Ahhhhhhhh... she just sucks. But one good thing about her outburst. I realised that it totally wasn't about me. She didn't say anything and had been storing up anger (that she said nothing about for 9 years)... so technically the drama had very little to do with the packages being late and much more to do with the fact that she makes the choice not to say anything and then holds that anger in and then lets it take over when the slightest thing happens. Very typical of that generation in my view (or at least from my experiences). And so, I no longer took anything she said personally. In fact (I know this sounds caddy) I laughed. She is so overboard about this stuff. She wants flowery thank you's (written and posted) not only when stuff is openned but when it GETS here.

I don't know. She is not wrong. That is the amazing thing. I am horrid with the post office. I hate it. And I get no help at all from Don in any of this dept.

Anyway... this is what I sent:

It is true that there are a lot of baggage with you and me and Christmas. We value different things and it has gotten in the way of the real meaning behind stuff. Plus, I had no idea Zack cared so much. I am sorry that we hurt him and never meant to. (My grandma spelled my name wrong until the day she died... it made me laugh, but thinking back it did sting sometimes a little bit. And Don's mom still spells Cyan's name wrong and forgets Alex's birthday. Every year.) All of this is why I didn't just let the comment lie about the late gifts. If I was to let it lie, this pattern would continue. And I would like to have more than that. I am learning things about you through this conversation. And I care enough to learn. (I do think that the 'advice' part should stay out our conversations. It doesn't go over well.)

Let me just clarify. I LOVE the crossstitch you sent Logan. LOVE it. It has hung over his bed since the moment it got here. And the reason I am not good at giving thank you's is because I really don't mind when people don't send them. It doesn't bug me. If I get feedback, I want it to be the positive... yes. But I don't mind no feedback at all. So yet, another place where we differ. Also, if you were in our house now, you would know how much we appriciate the stuff you send. That is the hard part about long distance relationships. The kids are sleeping under the blankets that you made them (and have every winter for 4 years), the picture you gave me the first year we got married is above our stove, the cross stitch is above Logan's bed and the picture of you guys is on the mantel.

See, I came into this marriage thinking that Don did some things for Christmas with you. Well he didn't. He doesn't give gifts, he doesn't send cards, etc not for birthdays, christmas, or anything else. I am lucky if he does it for me. And my family doesn't do this stuff the same as you... so what I was doing wasn't right... constantly. It wasn't just your comments that made me believe that. It was me... seeing what you did for us and constantly feeling as though I wasn't doing enough, but at the same time having NO CLUE what to do. So I am stumbling through this and trying to figure out what everyone needs and wants, but I don't know you very well. "Part of this family" is all well and good from 2000 miles away, but it doesn't give me any idea of what you would like, or how much is enough, or what your current interests are... and if I went off what Don wants/does then I was even more at a loss. You guys are the only 'normal' type parents I have ever had in my life. And are much more extravagent than I had growing up. We give small gifts, practical gifts, sometimes even used gifts, and our children get the same... (my brothers don't want gifts at all). Up here, everyone asks what the kids want, I tell them a couple of things that they would love, and then they get one peice from each family member. I am making Cyan a stable this year out of sticks from the cherry tree in the front yard. Then she is getting a horse toy from my dad and one from his girlfriend. I am getting her a doll that rides on the horse, and a couple peices of clothing for the doll. That, a couple books, and her stocking (which is big and fat and filled with fun little things) and it is all she is getting from us.

You and I were hurting each other over expectations we had no idea exsisted. So this conversation is painful, and needed, and long overdue. I never, ever meant to hurt you. I promise you that. And now I know that things I was doing were hurting you, and I will do my best to stop that.

Hope you have a very happy holiday. :)

Val

Thanks for asking Jody. Obviously it is still pretty loaded.... but there is very little pain in that anymore for me. I don't get angry about it anymore. She just cares WAY too much, she is in menopause, and she has her last child at home (who is 18) and wants him to stay a baby forever. It is just sad at this point.

BTW Happy birthday little man!!!! :D

Val

oh thank you! Joshie's a big kid now *sigh*

Hopefully this dialogue, although painful, will bring you two to a more healthy relationship.