My 5 yo did not want to go to school last Monday as it was music day. When I gently asked her why she told me she got angry at herself for making mistakes while playing the recorder in a group. She said one of the other kids(who has been playing the recorder for a year) gave her a mean look when Leah played a wrong note and 'interrupted' his playing.

So, I have tapped with her about;
~even though I want to do everything perfectly and exactly right, or I get really angry at myself, I am a really amazing kid.
~even though I don't want to make any mistakes when I play the recorder...
~even though I hate making mistakes ...

Then we tapped on the reminder phrases.

I also tapped on how it is OK to make mistakes. When we are learning we all make mistakes. We can be kind to ourselves when we make mistakes, that even people who have been playing instruments for their whole lives make mistakes.

She has been like this from birth. She was the baby and toddler who watched and watched a behaviour(like walking) and would not try it until she had it all memorized and then when she did it she would pretty much get it on the first few tries.

I am wondering if you all have any ideas on some tapping phrases we can do about making mistakes and how it can be positive. Even little short stories about how making mistakes can be positive. I need all the help I can get, because even though we have reduced the intensity about "I get angry when I make mistakes" for her, It is still there.

Thank you!

First intuition is to tap on it's okay for her to get angry if she makes mistakes. Accepting that is part of her personality and it's a gift because she will have high internal standards. So completely accepting it without trying to change it.

I've been watching Bryon Katie's videos on The Work and it's amazing so that's influencing me right now, as well as the fact I've been revisiting my studies of the Enneagram ... the 1 has very high standards and that won't ever change.

Just a thought (I'm a bit tired so hope I'm clear),
Deb.

First intuition is to tap on it's okay for her to get angry if she makes mistakes. Accepting that is part of her personality and it's a gift because she will have high internal standards. So completely accepting it without trying to change it.

I've been watching Bryon Katie's videos on The Work and it's amazing so that's influencing me right now, as well as the fact I've been revisiting my studies of the Enneagram ... the 1 has very high standards and that won't ever change.

Just a thought (I'm a bit tired so hope I'm clear),
Deb.


:agreed: Great insight Deborah. That was my first thought too. (another HUGE fan of Byron Katie !) The thoughts that lead her to "I need to do it perfectly" will also come to play in her self blame or doubt when she is led to believe that wanting to be perfect is somehow 'wrong'. A hardcore perfectionist could take that to mean "I am doing something wrong aka. not perfect - because I want to be perfect!"

Something else to consider as well - how about tapping something along the lines of it being okay, or not her responsibility when someone else is upset when she makes mistakes. It sounds like she is taking on blame this other child's frustration. His being upset may seem to her that it is about her mistakes, but in reality it is him being upset because of HIS thoughts about his own perfection.

thank you for the insights, they are VERY helpful!!! :heart:

I'm a big fan of The Work too. I have been doing it in therapy for several years now.

I have also read Carol Dweck's mindset theory and it clicked for me as to why I am such a perfectionist (and I'm writing an article about perfectionism in children and what we can do about it, I've noticed the exact same tendency in my daughter, Linda).

Dweck talks about a "growth mindset" vs a "fixed mindset" theory of the mind. People who have a fixed mindset think that their innate talents and skills are all they have. They have to "get it right, right away" or else they're not "smart." Growth mindset oriented people are focused on effort and process, not result. They believe "my mind is like a muscle, when I use it, it grows and I get smarter." So those are some phrases you can use with her. Also check out this page from Dweck's mindset website:

Mindset | Parents, Teachers & Coaches (http://www.mindsetonline.com/howmindsetaffects/parentsteacherscoaches/index.html)

I am really fascinated by her perspective. It has taught me so much...
I think some of the things you could tap on are things like:

Mistakes happen while I'm learning. Mistakes are a sign that I am learning and my brain is growing new connections.

My brain grows and I get smarter when I put effort into things that are hard for me and make mistakes.

The process of learning something is more important than the end result.

Etc...you can customize to fit her. :)

Now i am dying to know what was it the father told Elizabeth that was basically rephrasing "You did not deserve to win" and what was the reasoning behind it.

It *does* seem pretty harsh...

I have also read Carol Dweck's mindset theory and it clicked for me as to why I am such a perfectionist (and I'm writing an article about perfectionism in children and what we can do about it, I've noticed the exact same tendency in my daughter, Linda).

Dweck talks about a "growth mindset" vs a "fixed mindset" theory of the mind. People who have a fixed mindset think that their innate talents and skills are all they have. They have to "get it right, right away" or else they're not "smart." Growth mindset oriented people are focused on effort and process, not result. They believe "my mind is like a muscle, when I use it, it grows and I get smarter." So those are some phrases you can use with her. Also check out this page from Dweck's mindset website:

Mindset | Parents, Teachers & Coaches (http://www.mindsetonline.com/howmindsetaffects/parentsteacherscoaches/index.html)

I am really fascinated by her perspective. It has taught me so much...
I think some of the things you could tap on are things like:

Mistakes happen while I'm learning. Mistakes are a sign that I am learning and my brain is growing new connections.

My brain grows and I get smarter when I put effort into things that are hard for me and make mistakes.

The process of learning something is more important than the end result.

Etc...you can customize to fit her. :)
Lauren, thank you for your input. I *really* like your ideas. I am so thrilled you are participating here! :jump:
Leah has been this way since she was born. She did not have one impulsive bone in her body. She would watch and watch and watch and watch...the world around her. When she had practically memorized what she was watching, then she would give it a go and do it with few mistakes if any(like walking). She likes to limit the amount of public mistakes that she makes.(don't we all, but hers is VERY strong) This is starting to effect everything in her life. Now she does not want to go to her swimming lessons, and she does not want to try new stuff. SO, we need to work on it.
Even with EFT, she KNOWS EFT has worked very quickly on some of her issues. But, there are other things we have tapped on(like the 50% hearing loss in her right ear) that are taking time and more effort. This has made her want to throw away tapping altogether and not use it on anything at all.

I think that Leah has a lot of 'fixed' mindset in her.
Interesting.

I learned about B. KAtie's The Work at my level 3 EFT workshop. I really like her four questions. What a great way to get to the 'issues'.

I also just learned a FABULOUS technique that I can use with her called the bubble technique. It is for when you have two conflicting parts inside of you.
When I get it all thought out I'll post my process on it.

I'd love to hear about the bubble technique! I have been doing the Work for seven years now - gulp! Cool that it has been that long. After Jake's birth I stumbled upon Naomi Aldort, a wonderful parenting counselor, who I did phone sessions with, and who uses the Work in her therapy. Then when we moved here I was blessed to find a "real life" counselor who is a practitioner of the Work.

As for what the father told Elizabeth that rephrased, "You did not deserve to win," I have the entire book here, and that's an excerpt. Here's what he actually said, quoted straight from her book:


"Elizabeth, I know how you feel. It's so disappointing to have your hopes up and to perform your best but not to win. But you know, you really haven't earned it yet. There were many girls there who've been in gymnastics longer than you and who've worked a lot harder than you. If this is something you really want, then it's something you'll really have to work for."

He also let Elizabeth know that if she wanted to do gymnastics purely for fun, that was just fine. But if she wanted to excel in the competitions, more was required.

Linda - I hear you. The opening to my Perfectionism article/essay is an anecdote about Katie's tendencies from *very* early on. She was also the type who would watch, and watch, before she even attempted something. She didn't start walking until she could do it perfectly, from the middle of the room in a sit - she's raise herself up from sitting without the help of *anything* and then start walking. LOL! It's much harder that way. But she was insistent that she not do it until she could do it perfectly and independently. She has been that way with almost everything.

We have been doing "growth mindset" coaching for about a month now, here, and the results so far have been nothing short of amazing. Katie has started French horn and far from the usual "I can't do it!" and throwing it down in frustration when it doesn't come instantly, she has shown a lot of commitment and patience and worked really hard to master the basics - while really seeming to enjoy the challenge! It's so cool to see change just from explicitly talking with her about effort and practice etc...

Have to run - children talking in my ear as I type so I hope this is coherent. :) I am glad to be here too, Linda, and thanks for saying that! I am totally new to EFT but very interested in learning more. I need to reduce my stress levels- developing metabolic syndrome/prediabetes which is very connected to stress hormones. Sigh. We have had a lot of stress in our lives these past seven years, Work or not (and probably the only reason I'm not in worse shape or divorced is the Work!), and it's taken its toll on my body. Time to move out of crisis phase and into healing. :hbeat:

:hug: I really feel for you and your daughter. I know how frustrating this can be first hand and I give kudos to you for trying to deal with it in a positive way. Most people just dont understand how these feelings are actually imprinted on our brains. They think we are just being anal and difficult. So not true. I have been this way for as long as I can remember and at times it can feel like being in prison. I have even canceled events or outings because I cant get the planning just right. I have missed meetings and have often made us late for things because I cant find the right clothing for the day. I have stood in clothing stores for hours because I couldnt decide on a color or style for my children's clothing. And if you do just throw something on or go someplace without having everything perfect you feel extremely uncomfortable and obsess about it the whole time. I have found when it comes to the organization side of it, everything has to be perfectly placed or I get easily overwhelmed and cannot function. I have never really found an answer for this problem, but having people around who can empathize sure does help. People need to understand what a truly difficult condition this is for the person who has it and especially the people living with the person, very trying times. I was raised in a home where my behavior was responded to in a very negative light. Even teachers gave me a really hard time. I think that actually caused me to be more unsatisfied with my abilities and thus forcing me to become more of a perfectionist. I wish you well and just continue to be compassionate with your daughter.

:hug: I really feel for you and your daughter. I know how frustrating this can be first hand and I give kudos to you for trying to deal with it in a positive way. Most people just dont understand how these feelings are actually imprinted on our brains. They think we are just being anal and difficult. So not true. I have been this way for as long as I can remember and at times it can feel like being in prison. I have even canceled events or outings because I cant get the planning just right. I have missed meetings and have often made us late for things because I cant find the right clothing for the day. I have stood in clothing stores for hours because I couldnt decide on a color or style for my children's clothing. And if you do just throw something on or go someplace without having everything perfect you feel extremely uncomfortable and obsess about it the whole time. I have found when it comes to the organization side of it, everything has to be perfectly placed or I get easily overwhelmed and cannot function. I have never really found an answer for this problem, but having people around who can empathize sure does help. People need to understand what a truly difficult condition this is for the person who has it and especially the people living with the person, very trying times. I was raised in a home where my behavior was responded to in a very negative light. Even teachers gave me a really hard time. I think that actually caused me to be more unsatisfied with my abilities and thus forcing me to become more of a perfectionist. I wish you well and just continue to be compassionate with your daughter.

I am trying my best to be very gently with my dd. I have also informed her teacher and music teacher about her need for perfectionism.

Her stress backs off when she has familiarity with what she is learning.But my goodness, when something is new and she is asked to perform, her stress really escalates. She does not really let on externally if it is someone besides me and dh.
Ah...my sweetie. I feel so much empathy for her and I was never as much of a perfectionist as she.