http://www.amitymama.com/vb/amity-mama-market/348027-ap-mothering-not-homeschooling.html#post2615033

I struggle with this, too. The mothers I admire either homeschool, or private school, or live in the really famously good (insanely expensive) suburb tucked inside our town. All of this is really, totally out of reach for us.

I asked around and found a good elementary. Our house costs $127,00, compared to our other friends- $100,000- there house is new, but the (public)school is not so good. In a way, I feel I'm rolling a private school tuition into our house fee.

Do your kids do well in school? I know that was a factor I looked at. I know the answer is different for some of the families I know. One family had their kid in preschool, and found out he had sensory issues. They wavered him into a better public school. The parents are also game-planning homeschooling. One parent teaches in public school, and the other is an occasional college lecturer. So they have confidence in their abilities, if not necessarily their kid's abilities.

I tend to look at public schools as delegated home- schooling. I look at the teacher as a professional partner, not as a super- uber authority, or antagonist. Like, I think my grandmother would have been a homeschooler if she had the intellectual confidence. This would have been a horrible, horrible mistake. I like the idea that my children have to interact with kindly grownups that they aren't related to, and who don't know family "traditions." It makes them mini- cosmopolitans, in a way. They know things I don't know. They people reacting to them in ways that I can't. They have the teacher, the librarian, the school counselor, the principal, the assistant principal, the nurse, the lunch lady, the crossing guard, the janitor, the PTA moms, the classroom moms- all these people are screened, and selected, to be kind to children. That's great practice- sort of social life training wheels.

I know that, as a parent, I am going to want them to get along with their siblings, be nice to their grandparents, always,,,,always,,,always,,,, you know? Be stable and always... and I'll be always. With teachers- teachers change, yet there are still nice teachers. Teachers don't know "always we go here for Thanksgiving," or "Always..." but they still care.

This was useful for me, growing up with (1) rigid (2) absent, and (3) abusive parents. I could see that there were other nice people in the world who didn't have to be "aunt" 'uncle' or familiar with any situation or perceived failing. Like, the librarian wasn't going to sigh over me being excited about a book b/c " I'm just like so&so the wastrel." She just saw an excited kid. And I wasn't super- extra special, deserving of an academy award/ pulitzer prize/ million dollars- I could be part of a group, and interact with a group, and have my strengths, and they could have strengths, and we could have some practice in teamwork, and, also, some competition. And since having an unstable situation tends to bring out the "heroic Cinderella" having that experience of being just a number- a very liked and attended number, but still--

This is something of a hash. I know you don't have an unfortunate and unstable household, but do at least consider that you are giving your child the gift of social skills training wheels. Not necessarily manners- but just sense on how to deal with people- friends, acquaintances, authority figures, auxiliary figures- authority remote, authority close.

Like, my oldest- a really sweet, obedient kid. At school, he has a silly sense of humor. At home, to myself, I call him a goober. I don't call him that to his face! But, the reaction he gets at school- a kid laughing at his joke- that's really gratifying to him, and not something I can do.

The middle one starts school in a month. He likes having "intelligent" conversations with grownups. He tells them facts. I've already heard the facts about a billion times. I'm not too lit when I hear about asking for "Die Milch, bitte" that he's planning to spring on the lunch lady. I think he's going to be pleased. He's been courting the kindergarten teacher for over a year, now. Cookies....

I don't hear what their day is like all the time. I don't hear what concerns them until they feel both safe and happy. This can be a really, really long time- I am having to pay attention to alone time, and pleasant time, and figuring out what the 'right" alone time looks like. It's kind of crazy. They don't just take the interrogation. One has to talk about math- 3+ x= y, for half an hour or so, on a stroll, to unwind enough to tell me things. The other needs acknowledgment about something he's created. Not homework,,,,not walking---artwork. Obviously, this isn't every single day...

So, in a sense, it's practice for me, too. It's not easy and obvious intimacy. I think sometimes familiarity looks like intimacy. In a worse sense, domination can look like intimacy. But being curious and pleased and respectful of their experience and timing.....I mean, they can't travel to another country very often, but in a real way, they are entering a foreign environment that they can make amenable to themselves.

Having said all that, a bad school- absolutely. stay home. a bad teacher can cause grief that continues for a lifetime. An unsafe environment---ehh. flee.

I know at least one mother who uprooted her family, and changed jobs, to avoid a really unbelievably bad school. I even think she ended up on public assistance, and I'm so glad that she did, to avoid this school.

The crazy part- a teacher can be a good fit for one kid, and the worst nightmare for another- in the same class.

That isn't quite an answer, is it?


ari

No, Ari,
It's not really an answer, but I don't know that there is one. And I think you are right on. Maybe, right now, a little space is what I need to create the kind of space I want our "always" to be, YK? It has been a rough summer with a new baby who is now learning to scoot around the house, and is faced with danger at every turn with little wrappers and magnetix pieces and whatever else the kids leave in their wake. I'm tired and short from nursing many times at night, YK? If things aren't good at school, and they have been so far, then we can rethink. But I can use this time to make home the best place it can be.