When Ely get's upset with something, I first justify his feelings. But, lately, he's been flying OFF THE HANDLE at the littlest thing.

Example: He wanted some toast with butter. He wanted to help with the butter, no problem. I let him do it til he asked me to finish. So I finish buttering the toast, and most of it had melted. Ely then says he wants more butter. I explain to him since the toast was hot the butter had melted making it look like it wasn't there.

So he has the BIGGEST meltdown in history. Flops on the floor, bangs his head, thrashes around trying to hit and bite me. Ugggh! I pick him up and whisper in his ear I can fix his toast if he tells me what he needs. That just sends him off the deep end more.

So I scoop him up and we go to the couch where I hold him close (to make sure he doesn't beat the crud out of me). He continues throwing the fit of the century for 15 minutes - complete with hiccuping and choking. All the while he is doing this, I am telling him quietly in his ear I will let him down when he quits thrashing around and that he needs to use his words because I cannot help him til he does.

So what the heck did I do wrong? I have not seen him act this angry before. Now since the meltdown every little thing is sending him off into orbit. How do I help him regroup???? Granted he is only 2 1/2, but do we HAVE to go through this???



<font color=blue> Becky </font color=blue>
WAHM to Ely, 2 years old - YIKES!)
Wife/Partner/Best Friend to John for almost 3 years
Surrogate Mom to 2 Big brown dogs and 3 Kitties
<font color=green> **And now....Pod-Mom to a little pea.....edd 4/02 </font color=green>

My first thought is that there is some other stressor that could be sending him into these fits. Who knows what it could be. A growth spurt, teething, not enough physical outlet, bad dreams, mommy and/or daddy is stressed and he is picking up on it.

My second thought is what would have been wrong with giving him more butter? I am not trying to say it was your fault, maybe he just threw into the fit by your explanation leading to a question as to whether he still wanted more butter. But he seems to be stressed so I would be a little more gentle with him for now.

Somehting I used with my children to teach them about emotions is that song "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands". I used stomp the floor for angry and overexaggerated my facial expressions. I just took any feeling they were having problems understanding (but did not limit the happy and joyful) and adjusted it to the song.

And for the times when he is angry and needs to get it out physically maybe you could offer a pillow to hit or one of those boxing clowns. I would say that this would help him regroup.

Your son is human and has feelings too. Just as you go through fits he will as well only he won't be able to understand them as well and might not have ideas as to how to get the feelings out. HTH


<font color=purple>Sheri
<font color=black>sah-ap and beginning ncp, exbf, fb, non-vax, nc, cd, hs mom to
<font color=blue>Kyle 8/22/97
<font color=red>Gillian 3/19/99

You brought up a great idea - I've read about an "angry dance" and have been meaning to teach it to Ely during his stressor times.

As for the butter, I did give him more, but it melted too and so he thought it was all gone. We're very liberal with our butter around here (gotta clog those arteries somehow don't we??? lol) and so it didn't bother me to give him more. But when I explained the butter was still there but he couldn't see it, that's when he got really upset. I think he doesn't trust me - like I would lie to him (which i don't do at all).

Have you ever run across your little one not trusting what you say/do?

<font color=blue> Becky </font color=blue>
WAHM to Ely, 2 years old - YIKES!)
Wife/Partner/Best Friend to John for almost 3 years
Surrogate Mom to 2 Big brown dogs and 3 Kitties
<font color=green> **And now....Pod-Mom to a little pea.....edd 4/02 </font color=green>

Dh and I have decided to cut wheat out of Ely's diet again. It seems as though he has a tendacy to rage like this when he gets ahold of too much of one thing. KWIM? Lately he's been eating bread like it's going out of style. That's the biggest thing we can tie the behavior to.

Hopefully that will be all the problem is - it's so hard to go wheat free though!

<font color=blue> Becky </font color=blue>
WAHM to Ely, 2 years old - YIKES!)
Wife/Partner/Best Friend to John for almost 3 years
Surrogate Mom to 2 Big brown dogs and 3 Kitties
<font color=green> **And now....Pod-Mom to a little pea.....edd 4/02 </font color=green>

Hi Becky - he definitely sounds as if something else is triggering his tantrums! The wheat may be a great place to start - I know how hard it is too. Have you found any good alternatives? Ezekiel bread is actually made from sprouted wheat, and doesn't have the same effect as ground wheat you find in "normal" bread. It's not as soft but it makes great toast! I've also found some good spelt breads here and there.

Also - I really believe that sometimes children need to have a physical release of emotion. I know I've had times where I just feel like crying! Stomping my feet! Slamming doors and cupboards! Of course, it's a whole lot less understandable when a 34 year old woman throws herself to the floor in a fit of anger! http://www.amitymama.com/images/icons/wink.gif There are sometimes I just have to laugh when Ava goes into overdrive this way, because I can SO relate to how she feels. LOL!

I don't think that you did anything "wrong" in the above circumstance. You were present for your child during an emotionally stressful time, you weren't telling him how to feel, you were encouraging him to talk and you allowed him to express himself in the only way he knew and could at that particular moment.

I can also totally relate to that feeling of helplessness that comes with trying to explain to a toddler, something that they just CAN'T grasp for whatever reason. "Your favorite cookies are all gone, we need to go to the store." I had this conversation last night with my nearly 2 year old, and it wasn't pretty. http://www.amitymama.com/images/icons/wink.gif

Just wanted to offer some empathy and understanding! Take care.

<font color=purple>Let your love be Felt!</font color=purple>
<font color=blue>[b]~ Amy~ </font color=blue>
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<font color=red>[b]~Sweet Ava Marie~
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((((Becky)))) Parenting is hard, isn't it? It sounds to me like he is just going through normal 2.5 year issues and your response sounds very appropriate to me. It sounds like he just isn't capable of understanding the butter "disappearing", not that he thinks you are lying to him. My DS went through a similar stage where his emotions drastically changed (from being such a sweet boy..to having tantrums). I think it is part of them learning independence...that they can make some decisions. It is hard on us, as parents, but I think it is good for them in some ways in the learning process.

I recommend you continue with the "holding" (for your own safety!), and using the gentle words to affirm that you hear that he is mad, but that it is not appropriate for him to hurt you (or anybody else) when he is mad. We have a "stomping corner" in our house. Whenever one of the children get angry and want to stomp/hit/whatever, I just point to the stomping corner. After a few seconds of stomping there, they usually start to think it is funny and they lose their anger and are then able to discuss the situation with me.

Sounds like you are a great mama...keep your chin uphttp://www.amitymama.com/images/icons/smile.gif.

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...Lisha...</font color=blue>http://www.amitymama.com/images/icons/smile.gif
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Oh yes, the Ezekiel bread. We've been using it instead of any other bread product and it is just wonderful! That and brown rice cakes. My fav is a rice cake with almond butter and a little honey drizzled on top. mmmmmm

I gotta tell you, since he hasn't eaten bread (not Ezekiel) , we haven't had a meltdown in the last 2 days. But, he's waken more at night. I think his body is getting rid of the ickies, KWIM?

I'm going to give the stomping thing a try....

<font color=blue> Becky </font color=blue>
WAHM to Ely 9/8/99
Wife/Partner/Best Friend to John 12/12/98
Surrogate Mom to the Big brown Bear dog and 3 Kitties
<font color=green> **And now....Pod-Mom to a little pea.....edd 4/02 </font color=green>

When something like this happens with Elise I try very hard to see it from her point of view. She does this often when she is tired, like before nap (meltdown for something pretty trivial). But she also doesn't like me to second guess her and who does? When a child is showing their autonomy by expressing a desire or opinion they sure don't want to be told it's not appropriate. Sometimes we make decisions for their safety and they don't like it. Personally I wouldn't like to be picked up and held when I feel like kicking and screaming. I would interpret that as someone trying to control me. Especially if they were telling me what I needed to do like talk or what-not when I didn't want to. I would let him have his fit on the floor. Let him get it out. I feel it's respectful of him to allow him space to do this under his own terms. Then try the talking when he has calmed down. I like the angry dance or a mad pillow or whatever but it has to be his choice to use it and it should be presented to him in a calm moment. Really, the last thing Elise wants when she is mad and expressing it is for me to tell her how to fix it. I try to respect that. (she is 20 mos). You asked how to help him regroup and I expect he knows how to do that all on his own without your help.

<font color=blue>~~~waterlily~~~
You mean she actually slows down?</font color=blue>
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I had a "mad hat" as a child...I could get it and put it on and everybody had to leave me alone or face the consequences...when I first got it, I wore it for about a week non-stop...even slept in it.
I think I was about 3-ish...I'll have to ask my mom.
I learned that when I was feeling edgy...I needed to let everyone know b/c they couldn't read my mind...now, I'll just tell you if I'm in a bad mood.
May not help...but it might...

Jennifer
<font color=purple> Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow". -- The Talmud </font color=purple>

First (((hugs))) I know how tough that can be. One thing I learned with Mikey is that when he is that upset as much as I want to hold and comfort and calm him down, that is not what he needs. I don't know if touch and sound are just too much stimulation for him when he is upset, or....? but when Mikey is in meltdown I need to let him resolve it for himself. If I let him be he will usually calm down in a couple of minutes and then listen as I explain what the situation is again (and usually he will understand and be OK with it), and then I give him lots of loves and hugs and gentle words. On the other hand if I try to talk to him or hold him etc (which I have always felt was good mothering) he will get more and more upset and it will be a minimum of 15 minutes, but usually closer to half an hour before he is calm at all.

Stasha
Wife and best friend to Sean
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